Is it true that females call the shots in this lifestyle?

[JustAskJulie]

It's often said that women rule the world when it comes to swinging. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The other thing that is often said is that everyone should move at the pace of the slowest person... it seems like when we say that we assume that the slowest is the woman. But if the man is the one that is creeping into the idea of swinging and the woman has already been there (as in my case), then I would think that everything moves at his pace... and in that respect doesn't he rule?

Should it really be a matter of anyone 'ruling" in the swinging world? Or should it just be everyone having fun and "no means no" regardless of who says it and everyone be respectful and ask first? I guess I just have a hard time buying the whole women are (or should be) always in control and making the decisions when it comes to swinging.

Just throwing my train of consciousness out there to see if I can derail anyone elses.

[Dynamar]

A group I'm involved in on a swinger's website holds periodic (about once a month) Meet & Greets.

We just had another one Saturday night... and observing behavior of couples at these events is something that fascinates me.

For example, since the organizers of the parties are all single females... we invite couples to get the critical mass needed to have a good party, but we also want our parties to be "single-friendly".

Single males, as we all know, are often treated with disdain, but we'd like to think that a vast majority of the guys who make it on our guest lists are cool and laid-back, and we want to give them a helping hand. Therefore, a few parties back we instituted a bracelet system. If a lady or couple is interested in talking to single males, then the lady wears a glow bracelet that we provide.

The single males at the event are instructed that "no bracelet" means stay away. Wearing the bracelet means you may approach the lady or couple. It works great, because it gives the guys an extra boost of confidence on who to/to not approach, and couples who have no interest at all in single males know they won't be bothered. We've never had any trouble at all with someone not following the protocol.

What's interesting is this... as one of the party hostesses, my job is usually helping out at the door, explaining the bracelet system to everyone and offering the bracelets to those who wish to wear them.

About 10% of the time, the woman enthusiastically and emphatically says "YES" to wearing the bracelet. In another 10% of the cases, the woman emphatically says "NO" to the bracelet (this response is usually coupled with a large head shake and/or a scrunching up of the nose).

The other 80%, the female 1/2 will look to the male half to see if it's "OK" to wear the bracelet. These instances are pretty well evenly split between the male saying "NO", fairly emphatically, in which case the female generally looks somewhat dejected; and the male saying "It's up to you, honey" in a resigned manner. In the latter case, the females pretty evenly split between wearing the bracelet and saying "no, thank you."

From these observations, there's definitely situations all over the map as to who actually controls the course of events. What always breaks my heart though, is seeing the couples where they clearly don't agree on whether to wear the bracelet or not. It never bothers me that someone doesn't wear the bracelet... after all, your preferences are your preferences. So, it's a good thing when you can see that a couple either enthusiastically agrees or politely declines. But when it's obvious that a couple isn't on the same page with their preferences, perhaps because they just haven't talked it out enough... hmmm... that's not good.

[LikeMinds321]

I've wondered about that theory. For us, Mr LM rules our swinging world most because he is the one who more often rejects a couple that I would enjoy being with.

The "power to rule" in our house has always jumped back and forth, depending on what we have before us. This is because it always comes down to us agreeing on what we do. Sometimes I say no, sometimes he puts on the brakes.

Shouldn't the swinging motto be "Couples Rule the Swinging World?"

LM

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Shouldn't the swinging motto be "Couples Rule the Swinging World?"

LM

Awww... and here I thought "Single Bi-Fems Ruled the Swinging World"!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Dynamar

Awww... and here I thought "Single Bi-Fems Ruled the Swinging World"!

Dynamar ~

I had a feeling I'd hear from you.

I wrote that statement since this thread focused on couples. And because there are more couples swinging than singles.

But I agree, Dynamar, that it doesn't matter whether you are a couple or single, the people swinging make the rules, that means everyone.

LM

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I wrote that statement since this thread focused on couples. And because there are more couples swinging than singles.

No explanation needed, doll! Because, of course, you knew my tongue was firmly in cheek on that one!

[tribbles]

Should it really be a matter of anyone 'ruling" in the swinging world? Or should it just be everyone having fun and "no means no" regardless of who says it and everyone be respectful and ask first?

We are a team and neither of us 'rules'.

It outta be fun with 'no means no' and everyone able to work toward what fun is there for each person. IMHO

S

[good times]

We rule equally or together, depending on the circumstances. Among couples that obviously one of them is the primary decision maker, I haven't noticed it being females more than males.

One thing we have noticed lately though that seems kind of odd to me is couples were the male makes all the decisions on play partners and the woman has no say in it at all. Some time back we were playing with a couple and were taking a little break from the action and the subject of taking one for the team came up. The male of the couple said, "J____ almost always takes one for the team, because I pick our play partners." Needless to say, our play session ended right there. A big part of the excitement of swinging to me is knowing the woman I am playing with is into having sex with me. Finding this that out about them, even though I didn't know if that was the case with us, was an instant turn-off for me. Since then we have met several other couples that do the same thing. Seems to be a weird way to play to me.

[good times]

Dynamar,

I was wondering if you have noticed how many couples choose not to wear a wrist band at the parties but do play with single males anyway? the reason I ask is that I have been to several parties that have some method of displaying your preferences available, but have noticed that very few of the people take advantage of it. For example, we went to a party that had different color of glasses for your drinks that would indicated what you were in to. They also had clear glasses available if you chose not to participate, most people (including us) used the clear glasses. We aren't into single males, but it seems to me that if we were we would prefer to do the approaching rather than wear a wrist band inviting the males to approach us. So I wonder if you have noticed others at your parties that do it that way instead of wearing the band?

[Chicup]

Women rule the swinging world more due to the apparent fact that an aggressive woman is allowed and encouraged and an aggressive male is a jerk.

You go at the womans pace because she is the one who can determine it. I've seen times where the woman is MUCH more into it than the guy, and while it often ends in disaster, they still went at her pace, the disaster part happened when they got home. When the woman isn't into it, it seems to go no where, and the drama if the male forces it would be right then at the club/party. While I'm sure we all have examples where the man put on the breaks at the time of action, I think its far less common.

Ironicly it is the men who I think decide this. I don't like pushy guys putting unwanted moves on Mrs. Chicup, likewise I don't want to be that pushy guy. If the other woman puts the move on me, then its ok.

I've also heard women complaining about this as some of them want the other male to be the aggressive one, and I can understand that, but its against the guy 'code' of swinging.

So women rule swinging but only because the men demand it. I think the most 'successful' swingers as in having the most partners that they are both into will have a very open and aggressive female. This is a bit of an issue for us as Mrs. Chicup is quite shy when it comes to her own looks and being the one to make the first move.

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by good times

Dynamar,

I was wondering if you have noticed how many couples choose not to wear a wrist band at the parties but do play with single males anyway? ... We aren't into single males, but it seems to me that if we were we would prefer to do the approaching rather than wear a wrist band inviting the males to approach us. So I wonder if you have noticed others at your parties that do it that way instead of wearing the band?

Very perceptive question, good times... and in fact, I did notice a little of this for the first time last Saturday. It just really hadn't been displayed by party-goers as an attitude before for some reason. All-in-all though, the feedback we've gotten from people is that they like it so I imagine we will continue to use the system.

(Sorry to somewhat hijack the thread LikeMinds... )

[Dooode]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

It's often said that women rule the world when it comes to swinging. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The other thing that is often said is that everyone should move at the pace of the slowest person... it seems like when we say that we assume that the slowest is the woman. But if the man is the one that is creeping into the idea of swinging and the woman has already been there (as in my case), then I would think that everything moves at his pace... and in that respect doesn't he rule?

Very interesting theory Julie! LOL

I don't swallow it tho. I think "women rule the swing world" pertains mostly to hetero swing clubs, where women can let their hair down and feel safe, and where men (in theory!) have to restrain themselves a bit more than say ... if they were at a bar, where the attitude's more the other way around.

I do have one story which pertains to this discussion tho:

The husband of a couple I've known for 15 years made the mistake of telling his wife that "women rule the swing world". She being new at the scene, pretty much took over all THEIR swing decisions--and she's not bi, so she picked lotsa single guys to have sex with ... leaving him pretty much with his dick in his hands.

Needless to say, their "recreation time" worsened because she was having all the fun and he was constantly being left out. So finally he put his foot down and said, "No more swinging!" and now they're supposedly working on their relationship. It's been two years now.

Personally, I think that in order for swinging to work, I think there has to be a balance (and agreement) between both married partners and not just one leading. "Women rule the swing world" pertains only to swing clubs but the overall decision for the actions of both members of the marriage have to be made between them for it to have balance.

[prettylady]

Dog has told me that I am incharge. I make the final decision.
I am not completly comfortable with that idea. I don't want to decide who he plays with. he has to make that decision for himself.
But, I have to say. I LOVE BEING THE BOSS.
Good Dog.
Just kidding. I want 50/50. I would hate to find out he "took one for the team".
Your friend,
Prettylady

[Pepper & Drew]

I don't buy that either....certainly not with all couples. For the most part, Drew rules, since he's the one who is a little...well....pickier. I think because the stereotype that men will nail anything, and that women are more hesitant is alive and well. In a lot of cases, the guy is the one that is hesitant and the woman is raring to go.

Pepper

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

It's often said that women rule the world when it comes to swinging. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The other thing that is often said is that everyone should move at the pace of the slowest person... it seems like when we say that we assume that the slowest is the woman. But if the man is the one that is creeping into the idea of swinging and the woman has already been there (as in my case), then I would think that everything moves at his pace... and in that respect doesn't he rule?

Should it really be a matter of anyone 'ruling" in the swinging world? Or should it just be everyone having fun and "no means no" regardless of who says it and everyone be respectful and ask first? I guess I just have a hard time buying the whole women are (or should be) always in control and making the decisions when it comes to swinging.

Just throwing my train of consciousness out there to see if I can derail anyone elses.

I suppose this is true to an extent. I would not be able to enjoy myself if I knew Jay did not like the woman he was with, and on the same token he would not enjoy himself if I didn't like the man I was with....it is a two way street. Instead of making rash decisions people should really meet and see if everything "clicks", and go from there. But no, I don't think one partner should have any more than 50% of the say in their relationship.