On second thought, maybe.......

SCcpl40 · 01-19-2008, 09:14 AM

There seems to be some topics where couples have "rules" in which they have established for themselves. We ask up front if the couple has a playbook, we'll review the list. If we can't play by their rules, we just excuse ourselves and find another playground without regrets. We never equated the term "rules" and sex to go hand and hand. We feel preferences would be a better term.

The lady here doesn't like anal, and that's a preference, however, one night a very suave gentlemen introduced anal beads into the mix, and for that evening only, an exception was made. So with that in mind, rules can be broken and preferences can change, so what would be a reason for you to bend a rule, change your mind, or toss the playbook out for a unlimited night of passionate sex?

**BiloxiCouple** · 01-19-2008, 09:25 AM

We've been in this long enough not too have alot of rules/preferences/guidelines/models/ideas/fantasies/playbook/time.

But if something were to change we would both agree to it. Now an Asian woman would get me to thinking though

about it. For her a tall man.

One thing that won't change is the right to Veto. Otherwise

As far as what goes? We don't have a rule about that or haven't had something really come up that would make us stop.

iapr · 01-19-2008, 11:06 AM

I agree that the term "rules" makes it seem too much like a business proposition or some kind of game rather than a form of human experience. I wish I had a true answer to your question but I really don't.

I really believe that darn near EVERYTHING is up to the mood of moment and what works with one person at one time and place will not necessarily work with another person in a different circumstance.

What we have done with varying degrees of success is just identify within ourselves those things for which we NEVER have any interest in regardless of the person or circumstances. Those are things like fisting, potty games, bondage, etc. Everything else is just up to the magic of the moment.

When we are with someone and it is coming down to the nitty-gritty we will just ask what they have no interest in under any circumstances and for everything else we just say, "if you don't want to do it, don't" It really is that simple.

When we have non playing discussions with people about this topic inevitably someone will come back with, "yeah but that doesn't always work because sometimes someone wants to do something that I don't." I come back with that in the end you are one that is ultimately responsible for staying within your comfort zones and boundries and if you tell someone "no" and if they continue to press it then it is time to walk. Unless someone physically rapes you it always you that are responsible for your own comfort and the same is true of other people.

In the end it always comes down to you being comfortable with your own preferences and boundries and being willing to enforce them. Swinging is really not a good place for very passive people. The other side of the coin is you need to empower other people to be able to assert their interests and boundries as well.

***JustAskJulie*** · 01-19-2008, 11:16 AM

We are in a wierd situation going into swinging this time around. In a way we are newbies but yet I'm obviously not. In so many ways I feel like a newbie all over again. The biggest difference is that we haven't sat down and come up with RULES or guidelines or anything else. Our attitude has been that of "play it by ear". When we find a couple we are interested in doing something with we will see where it goes. The oddest part for me is coming from where I've been and looking at where I am now I honestly have no idea what I will be comfortable with in this new situation. It's a new relationship and therefore different. At this point I'd prefer to take things kinda slow and make sure that every step we are both comfortable, but ya know if the right couple came along it would probably be full speed ahead. We'll see when we get there but no we don't have some set playbook that we have to play by.

realcplub2 · 01-19-2008, 01:37 PM

Rules are simply a set of guideline to work from.. and yes, as you said exceptions can be made..

When we get asked the intial questions .. we simply state we are only into same room play, and dont meet seprately.. beyond that ASK.. we are open to most things so long as they are at least discussed first..

The moment someone changes the "playbook".. Picture a mystical refree stepping from the mists and blows the play dead..

A perfect example of this was a couple we met many years ago, everything was going great, when the husband pulls a box out and in it are straps, and "soft cuffs"... and other BDSM gear...

WHOA JACK!.. If we knew that was the play they wanted, we might have considered it, DOWN THE ROAD... not the first night we all get naked... which we explained, as my wife did something she hasnt done before or since.. GOT DRESSED in 2 minutes.. with a near constant.. put your shoes on, lets go..

havefuninsun · 01-19-2008, 01:43 PM

I don't like the word "rules;" "guidelines" seem to fit better, or even "playbook." But even sport fanatics will tell you the best playbook can be altered for the circumstances.

When we first started out, I had very definite ideas about what I was comfortable with and what I was not. Mr. Fun probably had less limits, but you play by the slowest member. The same room rule seemed like something I would not find myself changing.

Well, guess what. That changed. We played with a couple and found the seperate room thing a LOT of fun. We played both in the same room and in separate rooms.

Also, I never thought I'd like to play without Mr. Fun there. We haven't done that, but I can see that if we have a good, trusted relationship with another couple, it would be a possibility. Mr. Fun loves to hear details, and it would be a huge turn-on for me to go play with a couple (or some combination thereof) and come home and tell him about it. We just don't have that couple in our life right now.

(I was just emailing with a friend recently about these things

-- they, too, have evolved into a couple that she didn't foresee. But, they're great people and love the adventure and are having a wonderful time).

Frankly, I'd worry a little if a new couple didn't have some sort of boundary list ... I'd wonder about whether they have taken the time to really talk through this adventure before getting themselves involved in it, and how high the freak out level may be with one of them in a no-holds barge situation. (seen it happen, unfortunately).

I'm still saying no anal, but not stomping my foot at the same time ...

So, SC, you guys are normal freaks.

**LFM2** · 01-19-2008, 01:59 PM

We don't have a lot of preferences, either. We have one that non-negotiable, and that's our condom rule. I guess that is a rule and not a preference. The other preference is that we play only in the same room. Other than that, it's up for grabs.

When we first started out, we had so many rules that we were probably the scariest couple you'd ever met. That went out the window the first time we played. We were more comfortable with ourselves and watching each other than we'd thought we'd be.

We're pretty open to try anything once. If we don't like it, we surely don't have to do it again. Sex is supposed to be fun. We try to keep it simple and fun for all.

sweet_tna · 01-20-2008, 10:30 PM

We have very few non-negotiables (condoms, no anal/potty play/BDSM). Things like our same room preference could possibly be relaxed, depending on circumstances. We really prefer to just see where the evening takes us.

=)

Ed & Bunny · 01-21-2008, 08:23 PM

We are still new and have guidelines. Answering the question is easy. what would it take? Bunny feeling comfortable enough to relax the rule. Most of our guidlines are at her request, and she knows what my feelings and desires are, so it is simple for her being able to make the decision as I will usualy go along.

**fun4Ds** · 01-22-2008, 04:02 AM

[QUOTE=JustAskJulie;302513]

Quote:

The oddest part for me is coming from where I've been and looking at where I am now I honestly have no idea what I will be comfortable with in this new situation. It's a new relationship and therefore different.

Julie, I don't see this as odd, actually it seems how it should be.Makes perfect sense.

**fun4Ds** · 01-22-2008, 04:14 AM

[QUOTE=SCcpl40;302488]

Quote:

There seems to be some topics where couples have "rules" in which they have established for themselves. We ask up front if the couple has a playbook, we'll review the list. If we can't play by their rules, we just excuse ourselves and find another playground without regrets. We never equated the term "rules" and sex to go hand and hand. We feel preferences would be a better term.

I like your thoughts here SCcpl, preferences would seem to be a better term.

justus78 · 01-22-2008, 03:30 PM

All rules are made to be bend.

Cloud9Social · 01-22-2008, 08:16 PM

We have seen so many couples come to our club the first time with so many rules they can't possible have any fun. Other couples throw all their rules out the window by 11pm.

For us we only have two "guidelines" No once means no all night, and always ask new couples what are you into?

Sir Dude · 01-26-2008, 01:20 PM

My wife is strickly NO ANAL. She has the fear that we will try DP. When we are alone there is some anal action with tounge and fingers but I don't even try to go further than that.

However, I would love to try anal beads.

cubnamy1995 · 01-26-2008, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LFM2

When we first started out, we had so many rules that we were probably the scariest couple you'd ever met. That went out the window the first time we played. We were more comfortable with ourselves and watching each other than we'd thought we'd be.

We're pretty open to try anything once. If we don't like it, we surely don't have to do it again. Sex is supposed to be fun. We try to keep it simple and fun for all.

We couldn't agree more. In the beginning we had a lot of rules, but as things went along, they fell by the wayside. I guess they were just in place to keep us from going too far too fast.

Interestingly, I forgot to tell Amy no anal with anybody but me. That was one of the first things she did when we first played separate. When she told me about it afterwards, I started to get mad, but then realized that I didn't care. Oh well, so much for that rule.

The only one we have left is condoms, and with the right couple, we'd probably relax that too.

Swingers Ads	Swinger Pics	Swinger Stories	Shopping	Search Swingers	Swingers Clubs	Swinger Articles	Dictionary	FAQs	Swinger Links
Forums	Register	Swinger Events	Search	Today's Posts	Mark Forums Read	Chat Room

01-19-2008, 09:14 AM	#1 (permalink)
SCcpl40 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 137 Location: columbia, sc Status: couple Swing Lifestyle Name:sccpl40	On second thought, maybe....... There seems to be some topics where couples have "rules" in which they have established for themselves. We ask up front if the couple has a playbook, we'll review the list. If we can't play by their rules, we just excuse ourselves and find another playground without regrets. We never equated the term "rules" and sex to go hand and hand. We feel preferences would be a better term. The lady here doesn't like anal, and that's a preference, however, one night a very suave gentlemen introduced anal beads into the mix, and for that evening only, an exception was made. So with that in mind, rules can be broken and preferences can change, so what would be a reason for you to bend a rule, change your mind, or toss the playbook out for a unlimited night of passionate sex?

01-19-2008, 09:25 AM	#2 (permalink)
BiloxiCouple Julie's Helper Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 4,002 Location: Biloxi, Mississippi Status: Couple with benefits and retired Swing Lifestyle Name:graceful	Re: On second thought, maybe....... We've been in this long enough not too have alot of rules/preferences/guidelines/models/ideas/fantasies/playbook/time. But if something were to change we would both agree to it. Now an Asian woman would get me to thinking thoughabout it. For her a tall man. One thing that won't change is the right to Veto. Otherwise As far as what goes? We don't have a rule about that or haven't had something really come up that would make us stop.
	__________________ *Live in the moment before they are gone.*

01-19-2008, 11:06 AM	#3 (permalink)
iapr Has Left the Building Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 832 Location: State of bliss Status: couple	Re: On second thought, maybe....... I agree that the term "rules" makes it seem too much like a business proposition or some kind of game rather than a form of human experience. I wish I had a true answer to your question but I really don't. I really believe that darn near EVERYTHING is up to the mood of moment and what works with one person at one time and place will not necessarily work with another person in a different circumstance. What we have done with varying degrees of success is just identify within ourselves those things for which we NEVER have any interest in regardless of the person or circumstances. Those are things like fisting, potty games, bondage, etc. Everything else is just up to the magic of the moment. When we are with someone and it is coming down to the nitty-gritty we will just ask what they have no interest in under any circumstances and for everything else we just say, "if you don't want to do it, don't" It really is that simple. When we have non playing discussions with people about this topic inevitably someone will come back with, "yeah but that doesn't always work because sometimes someone wants to do something that I don't." I come back with that in the end you are one that is ultimately responsible for staying within your comfort zones and boundries and if you tell someone "no" and if they continue to press it then it is time to walk. Unless someone physically rapes you it always you that are responsible for your own comfort and the same is true of other people. In the end it always comes down to you being comfortable with your own preferences and boundries and being willing to enforce them. Swinging is really not a good place for very passive people. The other side of the coin is you need to empower other people to be able to assert their interests and boundries as well.

01-19-2008, 11:16 AM	#4 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,294 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	Re: On second thought, maybe....... We are in a wierd situation going into swinging this time around. In a way we are newbies but yet I'm obviously not. In so many ways I feel like a newbie all over again. The biggest difference is that we haven't sat down and come up with RULES or guidelines or anything else. Our attitude has been that of "play it by ear". When we find a couple we are interested in doing something with we will see where it goes. The oddest part for me is coming from where I've been and looking at where I am now I honestly have no idea what I will be comfortable with in this new situation. It's a new relationship and therefore different. At this point I'd prefer to take things kinda slow and make sure that every step we are both comfortable, but ya know if the right couple came along it would probably be full speed ahead. We'll see when we get there but no we don't have some set playbook that we have to play by.

01-19-2008, 01:37 PM	#5 (permalink)
realcplub2 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 806 Location: North Central Florida Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:putnamcocpl	Re: On second thought, maybe....... Rules are simply a set of guideline to work from.. and yes, as you said exceptions can be made.. When we get asked the intial questions .. we simply state we are only into same room play, and dont meet seprately.. beyond that ASK.. we are open to most things so long as they are at least discussed first.. The moment someone changes the "playbook".. Picture a mystical refree stepping from the mists and blows the play dead.. A perfect example of this was a couple we met many years ago, everything was going great, when the husband pulls a box out and in it are straps, and "soft cuffs"... and other BDSM gear... WHOA JACK!.. If we knew that was the play they wanted, we might have considered it, DOWN THE ROAD... not the first night we all get naked... which we explained, as my wife did something she hasnt done before or since.. GOT DRESSED in 2 minutes.. with a near constant.. put your shoes on, lets go..

01-19-2008, 01:43 PM	#6 (permalink)
havefuninsun insert witty banter here Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 1,190 Location: Virginia Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:havefuninsun	Re: On second thought, maybe....... I don't like the word "rules;" "guidelines" seem to fit better, or even "playbook." But even sport fanatics will tell you the best playbook can be altered for the circumstances. When we first started out, I had very definite ideas about what I was comfortable with and what I was not. Mr. Fun probably had less limits, but you play by the slowest member. The same room rule seemed like something I would not find myself changing. Well, guess what. That changed. We played with a couple and found the seperate room thing a LOT of fun. We played both in the same room and in separate rooms. Also, I never thought I'd like to play without Mr. Fun there. We haven't done that, but I can see that if we have a good, trusted relationship with another couple, it would be a possibility. Mr. Fun loves to hear details, and it would be a huge turn-on for me to go play with a couple (or some combination thereof) and come home and tell him about it. We just don't have that couple in our life right now. (I was just emailing with a friend recently about these things -- they, too, have evolved into a couple that she didn't foresee. But, they're great people and love the adventure and are having a wonderful time). Frankly, I'd worry a little if a new couple didn't have some sort of boundary list ... I'd wonder about whether they have taken the time to really talk through this adventure before getting themselves involved in it, and how high the freak out level may be with one of them in a no-holds barge situation. (seen it happen, unfortunately). I'm still saying no anal, but not stomping my foot at the same time ... So, SC, you guys are normal freaks.
	Last edited by havefuninsun; 01-19-2008 at 01:46 PM.

01-19-2008, 01:59 PM	#7 (permalink)
LFM2 ~This space for rent~ Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,750 Location: across the tracks Status: Couple	Re: On second thought, maybe....... We don't have a lot of preferences, either. We have one that non-negotiable, and that's our condom rule. I guess that is a rule and not a preference. The other preference is that we play only in the same room. Other than that, it's up for grabs. When we first started out, we had so many rules that we were probably the scariest couple you'd ever met. That went out the window the first time we played. We were more comfortable with ourselves and watching each other than we'd thought we'd be. We're pretty open to try anything once. If we don't like it, we surely don't have to do it again. Sex is supposed to be fun. We try to keep it simple and fun for all.
	__________________ Dave & Holly

01-20-2008, 10:30 PM	#8 (permalink)
sweet_tna Being good is overrated Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 4,221 Location: Poconos, PA Status: The boss of Mr. Sweet Swing Lifestyle Name:Sweet_tna	Re: On second thought, maybe....... We have very few non-negotiables (condoms, no anal/potty play/BDSM). Things like our same room preference could possibly be relaxed, depending on circumstances. We really prefer to just see where the evening takes us. =)
	__________________ I'd rather go to hell for doing something I enjoyed than heaven wondering what it's like.

01-21-2008, 08:23 PM	#9 (permalink)
Ed & Bunny Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 357 Location: Southern Mi Status: couple Swing Lifestyle Name:edandbunny	Re: On second thought, maybe....... We are still new and have guidelines. Answering the question is easy. what would it take? Bunny feeling comfortable enough to relax the rule. Most of our guidlines are at her request, and she knows what my feelings and desires are, so it is simple for her being able to make the decision as I will usualy go along.

01-22-2008, 03:30 PM	#12 (permalink)
justus78 Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 17 Location: chicago Status: couple Swing Lifestyle Name:justus78	Re: On second thought, maybe....... All rules are made to be bend.

01-22-2008, 08:16 PM	#13 (permalink)
Cloud9Social Here to Stay Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 10 Location: California Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:Cloud9Owners	Re: On second thought, maybe....... We have seen so many couples come to our club the first time with so many rules they can't possible have any fun. Other couples throw all their rules out the window by 11pm. For us we only have two "guidelines" No once means no all night, and always ask new couples what are you into?
	__________________ Caution you will get wet on this ride!!

01-26-2008, 01:20 PM	#14 (permalink)
Sir Dude Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 104 Location: Canada Status: Couple	Re: On second thought, maybe....... My wife is strickly NO ANAL. She has the fear that we will try DP. When we are alone there is some anal action with tounge and fingers but I don't even try to go further than that. However, I would love to try anal beads.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode