Being nice does not equal I want to play....

[TNT]

Ted and I were discussing last night how both he and I have started to pull back on the being nice/sociable factor when we are at house parties.

We both enjoy being very sociable...walking around the room, talking, laughing and cutting up with everyone...to us, being nice is just a part of our nature, we like talking to all types of different people and having a good time. (I'm not talking flirting with people...I'm talking just being sociably nice like you would in any group gathering)

However, here lately we both have started being less outgoing, staying very close to each other, watching what we wear (or don't wear as the case may be) as well as being very careful with who we interact with. Which isn't really the way we want to be but...because of our relaxed natures and outgoingness and what we feel is just being nice and sociable, people seem to be getting the wrong impression...that just because we were talking to them, laughing and having a good time that we want to play with them.

We both have always been very careful (or thought we were being careful) not to give off a vibe (flirt) that we wanted to play, unless we really did but, more and more we are finding that just being nice to people is causing them to assume we want to play.

We actually had a lady chase us down when we were leaving a house party and holler at us that we couldn't leave because we hadn't fucked her and her husband yet and they wanted to fuck us Ted and I looked at each other and both said we never gave an indication that we wanted to fuck them, we were just talking and being nice.

So...is there anyone else who has had to deal with someone assuming you wanted to fuck them just because you were being nice and talking to them?

And...Do you assume that just because someone is talking to you and being nice that that's an indication that they want to fuck you?

Does being nice equal I want to fuck you ?


Teresa

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by TnT

So...is there anyone else who has had to deal with someone assuming you wanted to fuck them just because you were being nice and talking to them?

Normally when we are showing attention to a new (ish) couple at a house party. Because they haven't learned or re-learned how to talk to new people, especially in a sex situation.

Originally Posted by TnT

And...Do you assume that just because someone is talking to you and being nice that that's an indication that they want to fuck you?

Yes and no. You have to talk to see if you can take it to the next level.

Originally Posted by TnT

We actually had a lady chase us down when we were leaving a house party and holler at us that we couldn't leave because we hadn't fucked her and her husband yet and they wanted to fuck us

Hopefully, they were being semi-serious and semi-humorous at the same time. Maybe their way of saying bye while leaving an impression.

And having met ya'll a couple of times, I can say that this will happen to you. You are both great people to be around and make people around you comfortable.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

Yes and no. You have to talk to see if you can take it to the next level.

That's very true...but, don't you think that at some point the talking to see if you want to take it to the next level turns to more of a flirting conversation when you are interested in taking it to the next level?

Ted and I both try to be careful not to flirt, lean in, touch or give any other indication that we are interested in playing unless we really are...we try and watch our P's and Q's so as not to have anyone assume anything...it is just frustrating on our part that we can't relax and be ourselves without giving the wrong impression.

Hopefully, they were being semi-serious and semi-humorous at the same time. Maybe their way of saying bye while leaving an impression.

I don't know...it just wigged both of us out and we really don't get wigged out that much.

And having met ya'll a couple of times, I can say that this will happen to you. You are both great people to be around and make people around you comfortable.

Thank you , that was a very nice compliment.


Teresa

[TNT]

I hope I haven't given the impression that this is a bigger problem for us than it is...it was just an observation that Ted and I made about ourselves, that neither one of us are as outgoing at parties as we once were...and that we are working on us to find a balance so that we don't seem like that couple that sits in the corner and never interacts with anyone (that is so not us).



Teresa

[Ed & Bunny]

Originally Posted by TNT

We actually had a lady chase us down when we were leaving a house party and holler at us that we couldn't leave because we hadn't fucked her and her husband yet and they wanted to fuck us Ted and I looked at each other and both said we never gave an indication that we wanted to fuck them, we were just talking and being nice.

So...is there anyone else who has had to deal with someone assuming you wanted to fuck them just because you were being nice and talking to them?

And...Do you assume that just because someone is talking to you and being nice that that's an indication that they want to fuck you?

Does being nice equal I want to fuck you ?


Teresa

wow, that was a bit pushy. We try to be friendly and sociable with everyone. Just part of our nature. So far we havnt had anyone assume that with us. But we are still new and probobly with time I can see it happening. anyone doing what that gal did to you would go away disapointed.

As for us, we dont assume, we hope. and if things are going well we ask if they are interested in moving to playing. Take last night for instance. We were at a table with several couples. One couple quietly asked if we wanted to join them in the hot tub. It was perfect, if we had no intrest in them all we had to do was say no we want to dance some more. Nice and easy. But we were interested and did join them, and we then made the next move by asking if they wanted to go upstairs to the play area. Key word though is asked. Oh, and they did say yes.

[Tia Vampire]

We have this problem too. Well I should say I do more than him. He is more cold toward people he do not want to play with. I on the other hand try to be nice to everyone. It has brought on unwanted attention. If i'm interested in a playmate, I flirt alot and I will simply let them know. I hate guessing games. If a couple is interested in us and we are not, then we will say something along the line as, "we are not playing tonight, just getting to know people." If we are interested and they are not, we just move on to the next couple. Just as simple as that. The good thing about us though is, neither one of us really go out looking to get laid. We just go out to have a good time. If we do get laid, It was luck. They had to be a couple that made a very good impression on him or all the things we are looking for in a couple.

[sexcupid]

We actually had a lady chase us down when we were leaving a house party and holler at us that we couldn't leave because we hadn't fucked her and her husband yet and they wanted to fuck us

Wow...if we were interested, I would have let you know for maybe next time we see you at a party...but I don't know if I would have the balls to chase you down and tell you that you couldn't leave b/c we hadn't fucked yet. Just a bit too crass for my liking I guess...but maybe the thought of getting her hands on Ted's long, lusterous hair was just too much for her?

So...is there anyone else who has had to deal with someone assuming you wanted to fuck them just because you were being nice and talking to them?

Haven't had this happen yet.

And...Do you assume that just because someone is talking to you and being nice that that's an indication that they want to fuck you?

No, that whole assuming thing...if we make our interest known and the other couple doesn't bite on stepping up the conversation to flirt mode, no biggie...we can still have friendly chat.

Does being nice equal I want to fuck you ?

Like, how nice are you being? lmao Some people's way of flirting is to be nice and open...personally I like to know for sure before making a total ass out of myself (like the lady that chased you out of the party). So if we are dropping hints or flirty things and you don't reciprocate, that's ok...we know where we stand for the time being.

And to a fault, I do tend to be too nice to people at times. I don't want to be anti-social or not friendly, but I can see where that might lend itself to confusing another couple (like 'wow, she's so nice! she seems to be pretty chatty and into us...').


Maria

[JustAskJulie]

It's not just a house party thing. I think it's a fine line. On one hand you would think that if you are talking and being sociable with EVERYONE it would be hard for someone to think that you were flirting with / targeting THEM. But some people will anyway. On the other hand if you are more picky about who you talk to and only talk to a few people then it could be very easy for those few people to think you are interested in them if you are talking to them.

We've run into this same thing at our favorite club. We try to be nice to people and talk to at least those sitting around us or those that we encounter and on more than one occasion we've had a couple get the idea that because we were talking to them that we were interested in them.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

.but maybe the thought of getting her hands on Ted's long, lusterous hair was just too much for her?

Well, he's not cutting it...I like playing with it too much. He said it wasn't his hair that he was worried about.

And to a fault, I do tend to be too nice to people at times. I don't want to be anti-social or not friendly

That's it...we definitely don't want to go against our nature and be unfriendly/anti-social...we're just working on finding where that fine line is where we're still outgoing yet not giving off the wrong impression.


Teresa

[TNT]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

It's not just a house party thing. I think it's a fine line. On one hand you would think that if you are talking and being sociable with EVERYONE it would be hard for someone to think that you were flirting with / targeting THEM. But some people will anyway. On the other hand if you are more picky about who you talk to and only talk to a few people then it could be very easy for those few people to think you are interested in them if you are talking to them.

We've run into this same thing at our favorite club. We try to be nice to people and talk to at least those sitting around us or those that we encounter and on more than one occasion we've had a couple get the idea that because we were talking to them that we were interested in them.

Exactly!!


Teresa

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by TNT

We both enjoy being very sociable...walking around the room, talking, laughing and cutting up with everyone...to us, being nice is just a part of our nature, we like talking to all types of different people and having a good time. (I'm not talking flirting with people...I'm talking just being sociably nice like you would in any group gathering)

WOW!! The parties you guys go to are much more "pushy" or "intense" than ours are here in Idaho. There are no assumptions at house parties and of course, Dave and I are like social butterflies when we go to house parties. We love to talk with everyone and we love to laugh. We're pretty much the same as you guys, but the guests don't seem to be as assumptive as the ones at yours.

we both have started being less outgoing, staying very close to each other, watching what we wear (or don't wear as the case may be) as well as being very careful with who we interact with. Which isn't really the way we want to be but...because of our relaxed natures and outgoingness and what we feel is just being nice and sociable, people seem to be getting the wrong impression...

I don't think this is your problem. This is faulty thinking on the part of the couple that's racing after you wanting to screw. Maybe if you two weren't so damn good looking!! Is this a new generation of swingers who are just starting out that presume if someone is nice and outgoing and they've talked with us and laughed with us then that must mean that they want to fuck? Everyone here still goes to house parties with no expectations.

Does being nice equal I want to fuck you ?

Not in our book. We think we're nice to everyone, but there are some people you are nice to, but you just don't want to touch them. We are nice to everyone, but couples and singles alike should not be so presumptive that just because you smile at them means that you automatically want to fuck them.

Holly

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by TNT

Well, he's not cutting it...I like playing with it too much. He said it wasn't his hair that he was worried about.

Well you have to start somewhere...and I don't blame you, I wouldn't want him to cut his hair either. lol


Maria

[VanHlebar]

Hey Teresa:

MrsVan and I have had this conversation a number of times when we are at our local club. I have this same problem as I am normally very out going and very "flirty" most of the time. I am like this a lot even if I am not interested. I enjoy flirting and more often than not I am doing it without even realizing it.

Fortunately it has not put us in any position similar to what you where in, but it sure could. When we are at our local club we have felt a little more reserved at times because we do worry about this. We like to talk to folks, meet new people and make new friends, but this doesn't always mean that we want to play. Now if we spend a lot of time with you...well then that is a different story.

-Van

[iapr]

In a way I really think this is one of things that just comes with the territory in swinging. This is an issue for sure and as you have discovered it can cause some discomfort at times but I agree with what another poster said in that you weren't doing anything wrong and if someone is making assumptions it their foul and not yours.

I feel fortunate in that one of the first things I ever came across when we were starting to do our homework in researching swinging I came across a passage somewhere that said, "anything other than an unqualified 'yes' is a 'no.'" I have interpreted that to mean that no matter how social, nice, flirty etc etc someone is to you, unless they specifically consent to having sex with you there are no guarentees and even then people can change their minds and walk. So no I do not consider someone being nice and flirty as an open door to their bedroom.

On the flip side of that I do not believe that we have ever given anyone mixed messages in being nice but you never know what is going on in someone else's mind. Niether of us are overtly social butterflies Mrs iapr (who is the good looking one) is pretty professional and reserved around people she has no intention of playing with. If anything I would be willing to bet that more people have thought of her as a stuck up snooting bitch (which she definately is NOT!) than have thought she had intentions of playing with them when she didn't.

I guess in a way it is a bit of a catch 22. If you are real outgoing and flirty by nature you are going to have someone that misinterprets your intentions and if you are reserved and standoffish and only socialize and flirt with those you are attracted to then some folks will think you are a snooty bitch.

But like i said in my opening statement I think this kind of thing comes with the territory. Swinging is very dynamic and often complex and then when you throw in a good dose of alcohol along with some raging hormones and it is an environment just ripe for some misunderstandings and miscues. I guess my only real advice is to be comfortable with the idea of being rejected and to be comfortable with the idea of saying no thank you to others when you are not interested in them. In the end noone has the right to EXPECT anything.

[WesternSwing]

We hadn't had this problem in the past, but we have encountered it in the last few months as we've joined an on-premise establishment and of course those there are truly swingers and not living on the fringe of the lifestyle like at many of the meet and greets and some house parties. I've had one instance with a woman, but Mrs. WS has had way too many with men, everything from slapping her on the ass whenever they want, taking a grope whenever she walks by, to assuming they can come play with us when we are playing with someone else.

This woman I had a problem with was all over me all night, having definitely assumed my being a social butterfly was an open invitation to stick her tongue down my throat anytime she wished. Then, the unimaginable happened. We hooked-up with a couple we know and as we were going to a private room she grabbed her husband and followed us in. We tried to play it off, but next thing we knew she was naked, her husband wasn't and she was moving in on my date with a strap-on, which she accomplished, leaving me out in the cold watching. My date suggested I get behind her and do her while she did my date to which her husband put the brakes on it because they are "soft swap only".

I'm still livid over this and it was weeks ago. But, now I've vented to someone other than my wife. Maybe I can let it go now.

We don't know quite yet how to let people know that we are being friendly and not necessarily interested in them past that, without being just downright non-sociable. They don't seem to understand that although everyone is there for sex, they are not there to have sex with everyone and anyone.

Other than the instance above, I can pretty well handle it since many of the women don't seem to be as grabby as the men, but poor Mrs. WS has been feeling like a human stress ball the way she's been manhandled recently and has had to be downright mean on several occasions to get the message through that she is not interested in fucking them just because she talked to them.

Mr. WS