I Just Can't Do This Anymore

[incognito]

I'm a fairly regular poster, but am using a different account, because I know other people we've played with are on the board, and I don't want to hurt any feelings. I've been wanting to post this for some time, but wanted to get my thoughts together.

I (the male part of the couple) am ready to throw in the swinging towel, for a couple of reasons. Like many men, the combination of nerves and condoms seem to get the best of me. I can usually get it up, get the condom on, and go at it, but after a few minutes, I've totally deflated. That's only part of the equation. My wife is extremely orgasmic. All of the women I've been with are basically non-orgasmic, by their own admission. There have been a couple of times where the woman apparently orgasmed, but I'm not sure whether it was real or fake. Going from being with a woman who is easy to please to women who are essentially--from the male's standpoint--unpleasable is brutal. Most of the men we've been with have had some performance problems as well. When things go south for them, they'll redirect attention to my wife in other ways until he gets going again, which almost always works. He knows that what he's doing is working and being enjoyed, which helps things along a lot. When I do the same thing, it feels like we're just trying to "get through" something. I could be down there for hours, and it seems like I may as well be brushing her hair. Needless to say, this doesn't help the situation.

I absolutely love to see my wife being pleasured. To see and hear her in bliss is fantastic. But when she and her partner are having the time of their life, and I'm (seemingly) trying to get both of us going with no luck, it's infinitely frustrating which, again, doesn't help the situation. I'm not totally blaming the woman, because my erection is a huge (actually average) part of the equation. Pretty much all of the women have been understanding and say that it's no problem, etc. It's just interesting that somehow, the men that are with my wife seem to get past the problem and make things work. She says it's not me, I'm an excellent lover, etc., etc., and when I'm with her, I feel like the biggest stud in the world. But being with a basically non-responsive woman EVERY time, is killing me. The first few times I chalked it up to being a newby, but I'm at the point where I'm pretty sure I just don't have any game. I mean, every situation we've been in has one common denominator--me. If it sounds like I'm whining, I probably am. I'm just venting more than anything. It would be nice, however, just ONCE to be with a woman who isn't a self-proclaimed non-orgasmic, and see how things go. Do I have the only orgasmic woman on the planet?

Enough ranting. Here's my towel coach.

[nubianzlust]

We as a couple love to collect condoms and it may be the particular condom that you are using. We've tried using the condoms that have 10% benzocane but after awhile I cannot feel anything so whatever the reason may be that you lose your erection after a few minutes, it may be the condom you are using. You may want to experiment using different kinds. I have a few favorites that the wife and I love to use one in particular is polyurethane, I have trojan supra and I believe there is one made by lifestyles also but I have yet to find them here in my city.

The best thing is to order a condom sampler from condommania or condomdepot who send out samplers for a price of course and you may want ot try them out out on your wife to see what her vagina feels as very pleasurable so you can have an idea of what other women may like. Also my wife and I dont consider ourselves swingers since she only wants us to get with other women but my advice is to try different condoms with your wife and she can pick which one did the job and those that didnt make a difference just add them to the dont buy again list. And the women that you plan on having adult fun with, I feel it is best to get to know them first i.e. what do they like during sex as far as oral and when being penetrated because some women like their nipples pinched hard in order for them to cum, some women like to be penetrated at an angle to rub their g-spots into orgasm, every woman has a different preference as to what makes them cum and those that dont know what actually makes them cum well uh, its time to experiment and find out by taking your time by giving oral and whatever makes her jump or give a specific moan then thats what you keep doing(it dont hurt to tease her when you find that spot) also during penetration, move your penis around and rub deeply against her sugarwalls because it may be uncomfortable for some women and for other women it may cause them to explode. It's all about experimenting by usage of different types of condoms(textured condoms depending on studded or ribbed or a combination of both ie durex performax or pleasuremax). Conversation to see what the potential likes done to them. And for those who havent a clue as to what can make them cum, its time to use them as a guinea pig and found what gets their motor running.

Say for instance you are in a 3sum with your wife, the other woman is performing oral on your wife and she is open for you, get down between her legs and get to licking and read her body language because I for one dont go straight to the clit, I go for the lips and hole and lick and suck then after a few minutes then I make my way to the clit and lick on her clit and once you feel that her clit has swollen and is easier to get to with your lips then you gently suck on it and SHE will tell you whether or not to suck harder or softer, when it comes to that, most women are directors when they are receiving some head.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by incognito

Do I have the only orgasmic woman on the planet?

No, you don't

There's a saying that goes something like...We're all responsible for our own orgasms.

If the women you have been with are not as involved, orgasmic, whatever as your wife then is it really your problem? If you have done the best you can and are at a total loss as to what "does it" for these women then it falls to them to speak up and let you know what they want.

While discussing your post, Ted said that he understands where you are coming from...he's been in your position. He said for him, he looks at it as their styles (his and the other woman's) just don't click.

Since you said that you enjoy watching your wife being pleasured, have you considered maybe taking a break from couples and having a MFM threesome? The dynamics of a threesome are different than a foursome and it might let you relax and take the pressure off of you to please another woman, especially since the woman you'll be with, you know you can please.

Also, you might want to spend a bit more time getting to know the other couple before getting naked. During conversation and interaction you should be able to get a better guess as to whether or not the woman will be more of a "Don't worry about me, I'm going to get mine so you just relax and enjoy the ride" type of lady or a "I'm going to lay here and see what you've got dude" type of lady.


Teresa

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by TNT

Since you said that you enjoy watching your wife being pleasured, have you considered maybe taking a break from couples and having a MFM threesome? The dynamics of a threesome are different than a foursome and it might let you relax and take the pressure off of you to please another woman, especially since the woman you'll be with, you know you can please.
Teresa

I totally agree with Ted and Teresa. I love couples, but there is something about MFM threesomes that is awesome. I am also a very orgasmic woman who loves sex but is seems like Dave is caught with a woman that just doesn't respond to his advances like I do. It would help so much if they would speak up and tell him what they want. I'm pretty darn verbal and I don't have a problem telling the other guy what I like and what I don't.

He also has the "limp condom" syndrome as MANY other men do. (We're gonna follow Prettylady's advice and try bigger condoms and see if that helps) but in MFM's, we don't have the worry about condoms. He gets to play bareback since it's me, and the one with a condom is our partner. The whole premise of a threesome is different too. I know that I love it and I know that Dave loves it. It's all good.

It did take us a while to find a single man that we enjoy. We've found one that we enjoy on a regular basis. He's excellent at what he does. I'd give this a shot before throwing in the towel.

Good luck!!

Holly

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by incognito

Like many men, the combination of nerves and condoms seem to get the best of me. I can usually get it up, get the condom on, and go at it, but after a few minutes, I've totally deflated.

Okay. Know this: You are NOT alone. You combine nerves, alcohol, a new woman and a condom and you can have issues. You can look up other threads on this very subject. You'll have men looking for advice, women bitching about the problem, there is a lot on it. You may just be the type of man that cannot play with new women, you need to know them and relax first. You are absolutely not alone. You are not wrong, not bad, not less of a man. It just happens.

Originally Posted by incognito

That's only part of the equation. My wife is extremely orgasmic. All of the women I've been with are basically non-orgasmic, by their own admission. There have been a couple of times where the woman apparently orgasmed, but I'm not sure whether it was real or fake. Going from being with a woman who is easy to please to women who are essentially--from the male's standpoint--unpleasable is brutal.

Okay. You have got to get swinging into perspective. You will NEVER EVER EVER have the kind of sex with another woman like you will with your wife, who is your soul mate, life partner, best friend.....NEVER. So you HAVE to get that expectation out of your head, or you will never be satisfied. Is sex with another person hot? Lustful? Sexual? YES! Its awesome!! Even a woman like myself who is enthusiastic, multi orgasmic.....if you are wanting from me what your wife gives you you are going to be dissapointed. There is no way that Jay is going to be able to know your wife 2 hours after meeting her like he knows my body after 17 years. Its not that they are hard to please....remember! We are nervous just like YOU. Our equipment works even when nervous, but we are thinking the same things you are: am I pleasing him, am I attractive to him, does he like this, etc. So cut us some slack too lol.

Number one, I can relate to your frustrations, albeit for different reasons. Don't throw in the towel yet.

I feel your frustration in regards to looking over and seeing your wife pleasured and not feeling the same way..only on the opposite end. I have had issues with gentlemen having ED issues. I am woman enough to admit this: I was jealous. I was jealous that other women were getting theirs and I felt like I was getting the shaft. Poor Jay could not even be pleased because he knew I was so upset over everything. But you know what? As we have matured in the lifestyle we have learned to be more laid back. You know what? If the gentleman I am with is having issues, so what? He is stressing out 10 times more than I am, so my looks of frustration are only making him feel like crap even more than he feels now. Have fun, perhaps do a group thing, and my husband is a fantastic lover...so how can I lose?

I suggest that before completely throwing in the towel you step back for about a month. Regroup, think things over when you are not frustrated and angry. Then go from there. Relax. Have fun. Only the best to you. Shelly

[incognito]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Originally Posted by TNT

If the women you have been with are not as involved, orgasmic, whatever as your wife then is it really your problem? If you have done the best you can and are at a total loss as to what "does it" for these women then it falls to them to speak up and let you know what they want.

This has been a problem. When I ask if she likes this or that, the answer has always been some flavor of "it's all good". While I can appreciate that everyone's responsible for their own orgasm, I just can't take not being able to visibly satisfy a woman beyond "Yeah, that was nice."

We have considered MFM, in fact I've been encouraging my wife to do this. She's open to it, but still a little leary. I told her today that I think I'm done with couples and should try MFM.

Originally Posted by ShellyM

You will NEVER EVER EVER have the kind of sex with another woman like you will with your wife, who is your soul mate, life partner, best friend.....NEVER. So you HAVE to get that expectation out of your head, or you will never be satisfied.

I know that what my wife and I have will never be replicated, and that's the way I want it. But to see that men can have a large portion of what I have with my wife, yet I'm unable to have anything NEAR that with their wife is where the frustration is.

Originally Posted by ShellyM

I feel your frustration in regards to looking over and seeing your wife pleasured and not feeling the same way..only on the opposite end.

...and knowing the other woman is thinking this makes things that much worse, no matter how gracious she is.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by incognito

I know that what my wife and I have will never be replicated, and that's the way I want it. But to see that men can have a large portion of what I have with my wife, yet I'm unable to have anything NEAR that with their wife is where the frustration is.
...and knowing the other woman is thinking this makes things that much worse, no matter how gracious she is.

I'm honestly not trying to discourage you, just being honest and letting you know that you aren't the only one feeling what you are feeling. I don't know what to tell you. MFMs are fun, perhaps they will allow you to relax and move from there. Some couples play in separate rooms, but this is usually if a person cannot relax around their own spouse. I know that you are frustrated, and I think that time will help you out. I only wish you the best.
Shelly

[incognito]

Originally Posted by ShellyM

I'm honestly not trying to discourage you, just being honest and letting you know that you aren't the only one feeling what you are feeling. I don't know what to tell you. MFMs are fun, perhaps they will allow you to relax and move from there. Some couples play in separate rooms, but this is usually if a person cannot relax around their own spouse. I know that you are frustrated, and I think that time will help you out. I only wish you the best.
Shelly

Shelly,
I do appreciate your input and know that you're not trying to be discouraging. I judge how good sex is by the degree to which the woman is enjoying herself. If she's not obviously really getting off, it's just not good for me, and I don't feel it's fair to her to be in such a situation. Maybe that's the wrong way to look at it, but that's the way I see things. If the female half of us is up for it, I think we'll try some MFM. Thanks again for all the input.

[GoNatural]

Originally Posted by incognito

I absolutely love to see my wife being pleasured. To see and hear her in bliss is fantastic.

Would you consider only watching you wife with others? I'm not propositioning you for me, but I'm curious, because that is what I would enjoy most.

I'm also the type of guy that really gets deep into thought. While I havn't had a to catch some of my attention, I've still lost my erection while with another man's wife due to "thinking". The condoms also affected my erection in some of the meetings, depending on how long it had been since I had bare sex.

You are turned on by seeing a woman in "bliss". This is probably a major factor in you arousal, and is a learned process. Not seeing it in other women is therefore insuficient enough to keep you aroused.

[incognito]

Originally Posted by GoNatural

Would you consider only watching you wife with others? I'm not propositioning you for me, but I'm curious, because that is what I would enjoy most.

I'm also the type of guy that really gets deep into thought. While I havn't had a to catch some of my attention, I've still lost my erection while with another man's wife due to "thinking". The condoms also affected my erection in some of the meetings, depending on how long it had been since I had bare sex.

You are turned on by seeing a woman in "bliss". This is probably a major factor in you arousal, and is a learned process. Not seeing it in other women is therefore insuficient enough to keep you aroused.

GoNatural,
You make a good point about that being a major factor in my arousal--that probably has as much to do with it as the condoms. And I've had over 20 years of that learning process, so I don't know that it's going to change quickly. It's not really a distraction issue--I'm always focused on the woman I'm with (as much as one can be with four people in one room). I don't think getting together with a couple and just watching would work out that well, and I don't really want to be a mere voyeur. Which is why the MFM is sounding better to me all the time. I know I'll be with a woman that is responsive and with whom I know I'm doing something for.

Thanks for the input.

[GoNatural]

Yes, the MFM arrangement should work fine.

[sexcupid]

Ok, I am probably one of those women that will give their swing partners an inferiority complex. lmao

Seriously, what you are doing probably feels good...but I have only had an orgasm with 1 of my swing partners (and that is including the times we have gone to the club and only played with each other). We've been doing this for about 10 months and only had a handful of playmates.

However, the few that we have played with....we have come across what I would term 'very sensitive' women. Some would call them multiorgasmic, but I call them sensitive...they are the ones that you barely have to breathe on and they are hitting an orgasm. To me, that would give any partner they have a 'stud complex'...as is "WOW!! 3 strokes in and she's hitting the first one....and there's another! And another!"

Jeff told me of one girl he knew when he was back in high school like that (she was just kind of passed around as a toy for lack of better defining the situation). And all the guys knew it. On one hand, it's probably pretty neat to experience...OTOH, I would think that it would be an ego blow in there somewhere to know that pretty much any dick will do that to her....no matter the skill level (or lack there of).

Anyway, if your wife is one of those 'sensitive' ones and can rocket off like no one's business: 1. Lucky lady. lol and
2. you need to realize that the vast majority of other women are not like that.

If your partner can sense your frustration (and we usually can), and you are basically distracted by your wife and the other man....maybe you should consider separate room play? Then you might feel less pressure to perform....you can take your time and relax a bit instead of possibly worrying about keeping up with your wife and her playpartner (even if it's an unconcious kind of thing).

Good luck,

Maria

[spectraschain]

You're gonna love MFM...

You're primed & ready.

You've exhibited all the tells...

God how I miss MFM!

[incognito]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

OTOH, I would think that it would be an ego blow in there somewhere to know that pretty much any dick will do that to her....no matter the skill level (or lack there of).

This strikes me as an odd thing to say. So is it an ego blow to know that pretty much any pussy/mouth can get your man hard...no matter the skill level (or lack thereof)? Maybe this isn't the case with your man, but I believe it to be the case with the vast majority of men. Sorry, not trying to be combative, just adding a little perspective.

[Chicup]

Some of this just sounds like bad luck too.

I've only been with one non-orgasmic woman so to speak in all our swinging, and that one had 'mistake' written all over it.