If swinging encounters don't measure up, why do we continue?

[Menage_a_Trois]

While reading this thread it put me in devil’s advocate mode…...We hear people in the lifestyle all the time state how incredible their spouses/SO is when it comes to sex. How mind blowing their sex lives are, etc. But we also here all the story’s and have experienced some ourselves, of how frustrated we get at certain things as a result of being involved in doing the lifestyle, i.e. mediocre experiences less than what we have with our SO/spouse, etc.

So if this is what is happening WHY do the lifestyle?

I know why we do…but why do you?

The Menage's

disclaimer:
This is not meant to offend or point the finger or to be condescending but merely to be thought provoking. We thought that perhaps it might help some people who are on the fence or are considering the lifestyle understand why we do what we do when we all claim sex with our spouses/SO is the best ever.

[rpu3]

I don't try to claim that sex with my spouse is the best ever. The sex with him IS outstanding, and then we have a relationship that I enjoy outside of the bedroom, as well. I have found sex with others to be outstanding too - in its own right and with its own context.

Perhaps in its totality and given our individual histories, we are the best to each other, but I'm not interested in doing comparisons with each partner I encounter against my spouse. It's certainly not fair to my partner if he were told out the gate that only my spouse can do it truly do it for me. The experiences stand alone. If it doesn't work, I'm not having fun, and I consider it lousy sex, then it's just not going to happen, and I'll go have some quality sex with my spouse in the meantime.

That being said, I often think to myself "why bother" doing any of the lifestyle stuff, because we've had some pretty mediocre experiences, but when you find compatible people, it's fun. IMO, the lifestyle aspect of our alternative sex life is one of these things much like dating and marriage. I, at least, dated a lot of people that were not suitable for me, before I met my spouse. I met one or two that may have been suitable for me. I expect in swinging that I might have some lousy experiences before I find a person I'm compatible with in the bedroom.

I guess that's why I still continue to participate when there's opportunity - it isn't guaranteed that every lay will be a good one. But when it IS good, it's good...

As always, JMO, YMMV and any other relevant disclaimer.

ETA: As it relates to the other thread, lifestyle or not, I still am thoroughly interested in sex with my spouse. My interest in him and sex with him does not diminish in relation to our activity or inactivity in the lifestyle.

[ShellyM]

Menage,
I have asked myself that exact question before as you are personally aware.
Sometimes I honestly don't know why I do this, and perhaps this is the reason why we have pulled back. I can truthfully and honestly tell you that my sex life with Jay is outstanding. And I can tell you that I have been with men and asked myself just what the hell I am doing. Is sex ever going to be like it is with Jay in swinging? Of course not, I don't think anyone can ever say that sex with a stranger is as fulfilling as it is with their spouse who knows their body implicitly. But I did expect it to be less drama filled, yes. I expected it to be more fun..not sexually but in the sense that in our area there is just so MUCH drama where couples are concerned. Usually we don't even get to know how a couple is sexually because getting past issues and to the point where our clothes are hitting the floor of the hotel room is a task in itself.

So in answer to your question as to why would I have mediocre sex with a stranger when my husband is so good in bed? I don't have an answer to that one. You want truth, I'll give it to you. Such is why we are on a 6 month hiatus pretty much from couples, so we can regroup as a couple and figure out if this is worth the hassle. Now please new people, I am not saying this to discourage you in any way. But I'm rendering an honest answer from my own personal experiences. We are moving to Pa. in June of next year, and we are going to test the waters there.....I'm hoping that full swing is more active in that area. Soft swing is big in our area of Texas, not too much full swap from what we have found. Some, yes.....but I tell ya its not so good here.
Shell

[Mr. Truelove]

It's simply something we both enjoy doing together. It's the entire party nature of swinging. The socializing, the dancing, drinking, dressing up, and of course, the sex that entices us.

Sex with my wife is pure love, but we all need to kick it back and have some fun and entertainment of some sort. For other people that might be couples golf, or tennis.

For us we added an option to that list.

[iapr]

For starters I found the thread that you referenced to be very disturbing and think there is real cause for concern there.

But to answer your question for us we are involved in the LS for a fairly wide variety of reasons. One of the reasons I wanted to explore the lifestyle was I wanted to be in an environment that was more sexually open and upfront than what one encounters in "real life." I really wanted to be in an environment where I didn't have to pretend to be asexual and I could be free to openly gaze at a beautiful woman and to be able to compliment her and flirt with her. I wanted to be able to discuss sexual and romantic topics openly without people trying to shush me or to feel like there was something the matter with me. I wanted to people to be able to talk to me about sexual topics without embarassment or feeling that they should edit themselves.

Mrs iapr really enjoys the social aspect of the LS and likes to dress up and look sharp and have the other women admire her appearance and compliment her and appreciate her attractiveness rather than tongue-clicking behind her back and gossiping about her being a slut or hussy for dressing in that manner. she also enjoys having men stop in their tracks and take notice of her and appreciate her attractiveness.

We both enjoy the new friendships that we have made and the fun that we have when we go out. Yes we have a lot of good old fashioned FUN when we go out, even if we do not have any sex at all with anyone else. And here lately we have been coming home without having an encounter a hell of a lot more than when we do but it is still a lot of FUN.

Now as far as the actual sex goes, I am not going to lie or try to downplay it, sex is fun and it is exciting and it is pleasurable. What is the best part of any evening for us is when we get home just the two of us at the end of the night. After an evening of flirting and dirty dancing and partying when we get home we are ready to crack the foundation If we have a mediocre encounter we can't wait to get home and do it up right, and if we have a great encounter we can't wait to get home and relive some of the great moments or to cash in on the great sexual energy that was created during the encounter. In the end it is all about us and the sexual energy and mood that we created.

[socolais]

From my perspective as a recent convert to swinging, I haven't had anywhere near as strong orgasms with a playmate as I can get at home. I don't measure the fun by the intensity of the orgasms but rather by the intensity of the sexual energy. There's an interesting excitement I get from the playtimes that is simply different from what I experience normally at home. My wife describes a similar energy to me and the fun really begins when we get back together. So, even copasetic sex (or just flirty fun) with a playmate results in a lot of great fun.

I think it's easy to analyze swinging activities in terms of sexual fun but that limitation results in an incomplete picture. I'm not sure how to describe it in words, but I think I'm a better person since we bagan swinging and I enjoy the new me.

[des1re06]

Mrs. D's point of view:

The very beginning "why" eight years ago was because I'm bi, and really enjoy being with another woman. My husband respected my wishes to explore that part of my sexuality.

Meeting other open-minded couples the past 3 years at various resorts has been very freeing. Just freedom to enjoy life's pleasures and fantasies is a life changing experience.

Our venture into full swap just this year, was because we enjoy watching each other. It's very erotic, and truly adds spice to our sex life.

From Mr. D's point of view:

Even though it doesn't meet the same level of passion as with Mrs. D, doesn't mean it's not good. We just happen to know which buttons to push with each other to make it that much more enjoyable, and of course, the feelings that come into play.

We have been very fortunate in our quest for friends with benefits, and don't consider any of our experiences "mediocre". They're all hot in some way or another. We feel it's because we take our time getting to know potential playmates. We are still close friends with every one of our playmates (even one serving in Iraq).

We've had our frustrations in meeting couples, just like everyone else. Overall, we're very happy we stuck with it and found our ideal way of enjoying the lifestyle. We think the key is finding what you enjoy.

Mr. & Mrs. D

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by rpu3

I have found sex with others to be outstanding too - in its own right and with its own context.

I agree with this 100%.

Sex was designed (term used loosely) to be enjoyable. When I have it - I usually enjoy it. On the very base level, sex is sex - whether that is with my wife or anyone else. It is what it is. But at the same time, there is a difference. I guess I have to be trite and say it is "sex" vs. "making love".

Swinging is something we do. Which would I rather do - swing or have sex with my wife? Well, I'd prefer to have sex with my wife of course. It is comfortable, intimate, free. I am not worrying about whether or not I can grab her leg and throw her over or slap her on the ass or pull her hair. I know what I can do and everything flows. And, of course, you have the emotions involved.

So - why not just have sex with my wife? Why bother to swing?

Well - I also like sex with my wife much more than playing Xbox... But I do like playing Xbox... If I HAD to choose, I'd throw the Xbox away, but fortunately, I don't

Spoomonkey

PS - I think it would be very interesting to turn this question around to our poly folks. Is there a difference between the sex you have with your primary and the sex you have with your multiple loves? (If I screwed up the terms, forgive me. I am not well versed with the poly stuff.) Non-polys, I think, can trace it back to emotions. Like rpu3 said, we have a separate relationship outside the bedroom. Outside the bedroom for swingers, the emotions involved tend to be - at most - good friendships.

[ShellyM]

Just want to say that I have enjoyed the wonderful comments.
Shelly

[havefuninsun]

We like Xbox too.

Good analogy, Spoo ...

And it's the chase, it's the seduction ... all those fun things that come along with meeting new potential playmates. And it makes everyone involved feel good to know that we can still attract others ...

Mr. Fun has told playmates more than once that he could truly be monogamous with me if he had to. But he's happy he doesn't have to

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

We hear people in the lifestyle all the time state how incredible their spouses/SO is when it comes to sex. How mind blowing their sex lives are, etc. But we also here all the story’s and have experienced some ourselves, of how frustrated we get at certain things as a result of being involved in doing the lifestyle, i.e. mediocre experiences less than what we have with our SO/spouse, etc.

So if this is what is happening WHY do the lifestyle?

We have very few mediocre experiences anymore like we used to, because we're more selective now, I think. We tend to stick with couples we both really want to be with. We don't even waste our time meeting people anymore whom we think at least one of us isn't all that attracted to, for whatever reason. I think earlier on, we used to think that it would get better, or someone would "grow" on us, so we'd give it a try, end up having a mediocre or icky experience, and then realize that the first instinct is usually the correct one.

Having a mind-blowing, incredible sexual relationship with the spouse, better than swing partners, but swinging, anyway: this is true for us. This doesn't mean the experiences with others haven't been good, though. Often, it's the situation and the setting that adds the extra element of "hotness", so that an average/okay sex partner can make me see stars. The entire setting, including my husband being with his wife, sets off all kinds of sparks and sexual triggers that you just don't get at home on an average weeknight. The experience is a turn-on, from the pursuing and being pursued, to the sex between 4 people (or more).

For me, it's not at all about the comparison or break-down of how much this guy does it for me, compared to my husband. It's about us having sexual experiences that are different and new, with others. It's something we can't experience with just the two of us. We do like the social aspect of it, too.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

We have very few mediocre experiences anymore like we used to, because we're more selective now, I think. We tend to stick with couples we both really want to be with. We don't even waste our time meeting people anymore whom we think at least one of us isn't all that attracted to, for whatever reason. I think earlier on, we used to think that it would get better, or someone would "grow" on us, so we'd give it a try, end up having a mediocre or icky experience, and then realize that the first instinct is usually the correct one.

Hey Tybee, in regards to being more selective.....and this is perhaps one for private email so please forgive me. Jay and I are trying to do just that, be more pro-active in who we play with to get rid of the fakers or the ones where one wants to be there and the other is there so he doesn't cheat instead...I am wondering if you can share what y'all did? We have decided to drop back to soft swap with couples only...we tell them from jump that they need not expect play ont he first meeting. This way we can feel them out so to speak, make sure that they are both here for what they say they are here for. I probably should start a new thread, Menage forgive me for changing the subject here.
Shelly

[Lovethenights]

Wow, this may be politically incorrect since most posters refer to sex with spouses and SO's as "mind-blowing, earth-quaking, rockets red glare, etc..," but after 10 years of marriage and sex, it gets a little familiar, a two-edged situation where the warmth and fuzziness of a deep relationship can be an enhancement for sure, but where the edgy excitement and anticipation and uncertaintly and the chase can be a little diminished. If one's erotic imagination is more stimulated by the latter elements, the chase, the flirtation, the unknown, etc, then it might be that the lifestyle allows the pursuit of all aspects of sex without the guilt, recriminations, lying, cheating, etc, that the typical couple faces. And even better, it does all of that good stuff for sex while reinforcing, encouraging and stimulating deeply honest and open communication between partners. What could be healthier for a relationship?

(P.S. - Is this where I mention I like sex and my wife's really good at it?)

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Lovethenights

Wow, this may be politically incorrect since most posters refer to sex with spouses and SO's as "mind-blowing, earth-quaking, rockets red glare, etc..," but after 10 years of marriage and sex, it gets a little familiar, a two-edged situation where the warmth and fuzziness of a deep relationship can be an enhancement for sure, but where the edgy excitement and anticipation and uncertaintly and the chase can be a little diminished. If one's erotic imagination is more stimulated by the latter elements, the chase, the flirtation, the unknown, etc, then it might be that the lifestyle allows the pursuit of all aspects of sex without the guilt, recriminations, lying, cheating, etc, that the typical couple faces. And even better, it does all of that good stuff for sex while reinforcing, encouraging and stimulating deeply honest and open communication between partners. What could be healthier for a relationship?

(P.S. - Is this where I mention I like sex and my wife's really good at it?)

I absolutely agree with you. The one main complaint I hear from people in the lifestyle is the fact that their spouse has "de-freaked"....where they were once sexually voracious and now are the Girl Scout mom or dad. I'm not saying that its bad to be domestic, and I agree that couples tend to get into a routine or norm sexually. Not saying that this is bad either. However, you can maintain a hot sexual relationship if you make sex a priority in your marriage. Can Jay and I have sex all of the time right then and there? No, we have 3 kids and lives......however now that our youngest is out of the baby stage and potty trained yes it is much easier. And yes, I absolutely agree that the lifestyle gives your sex life a huge boost. Its just fun to go out and be naughty for awhile. I just wish that there were more couples that are who they say they are, but thats for another thread I suppose LOL.
Shelly

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Lovethenights

What could be healthier for a relationship?

Ultimately, I don't think there is a patently wrong reason to swing. Nor, really, is there any better or worse reason. The longer Mrs Spoo and I are married, the more we realize that we aren't typical in many ways. Not better - not worse - just not typical.

So our reasons for swinging - and the electricity in our "home sex life" - are going to be different than most folks. Just as our interests and turn-ons are going to different...

When we got into it, we had a very clear idea of what was "healthy". I think we tend to default to that most of the time, but really, we have grown to accept the fact that what it really comes down to is couples being happy and sexually realized.

And they define what that looks like - not a majority opinion. PC be damned - if it works for the two of you and - at the end of the day - you two are more happy together, who has the right to say anything about it. Right?

Spoomonkey