I'm not a slut, I'm selectively easy!

[sigh35]

So my Honey told his buddy at work that I suggested swinging and I guess that guy told everyone else there because now when I show up to bring him his lunch, the guys stop what they are doing and stare. It is kind of comical, but also kind of creepy! Now I worry that they may think swinger=sex with anyone and everyone. Anyone else experience a problem with people thinking you were up for grabs?

[ShellyM]

Jay has told friends at work, and they just think he is the luckiest mofo in the place LOL. Don't worry about it. What other people think of you has no bearing on who you are. Heck, I have a mischievious streak in me a mile long lol...I'd show up with the tightest jeans I own on. LOL.
Don't worry about it.
Shelly

[iapr]

It is nice for ShellyM that they can be that open and not have any problems but that is not the case for many of us. I will take a counter view and say, yes do worry about it.

You have experienced what a lot of vanillas think when they think of swingers and that is that swingers DO screw anyone anywhere any time. It would be nice if we could say that people's opinions and attitudes and such don't matter but often times they do. Right now you are only getting stares and snickers, what happens if he has to go out of town for business? Who is going to come showing up at your door assuming you are so horny since you are a swinger chick that you will surely need servicing while he gone? Who is going to feel they have the right to cop a feel off your ass when you walk by or think that it is ok to hit on you in front of God and country at his work place since everyone knows you are a swinger and therefor it must be ok since you screw everyone anyway? Who is going to show up at your house with his girlfriend in tow hoping you will come on to the girlfriend so he can see two chicks getting it on? Who is going to think it is ok to try and steer you into a broom closet at work when noone is watching since you obviously screw everyone anyway.

If my partner outed us to her work buddies I would be livid and she would be the same with me. Peoples sex lives are their own business and he had no right to out you to his buddies without your permission any more than they have the right to think you are a cheap and easy slut. If you did not give him expressed permission to tell his buddies this was a terrible breach of trust and confidence. In one way you can not blame his buddies for being curious and interested, they just don't know any better. If I were you I would have a major issue with your partner and it could even be a deal breaker. If you can't trust him to keep his mouth shut and maintain discretion and privacy with some joker at work what else are not going to be able to trust him with?

If you are ok with his pals thinking you are easy and that you screw whoever comes along with a dick then I guess there is no real problem. If you get a kick out of them thinking that you are a hottie and that he is "the luckiest mofo in the place" then have at it and have fun with it. If on the other hand you have an issue with that then I think you both have quite a bit of damage control to do. Others will differ but I do not think that this is something that you just snicker at and say oh well.

I am biased in that I think people's sex lives are private and I can not think of one single valid reason to ever out yourself to friends, family, coworkers, neighbors etc etc etc. The only person that ever has a legitimate reason to know that you are a swinger is another swinger. With anyone else in the loop you are just asking for trouble and once that is out that is a genie that can not easily ever be put back in the bottle. I do wish you well and hope it goes ok.

[VegasLee]

For those that this is a Hobby and not a lifestyle I will totally agree, it is between the people involved only and is no bodies business but their own.

There is some of us that this has been a Lifestyle, more to it then just sex and have been out for close to thirty years.

Being out has made it so that we don't have the worries of family, friends or people we work with giving us any crap about it at all. It was always best that the family knew because I did not want the kids finding out because they saw their dad on T.V., In the Paper or by friends. Funny, we have NEVER had anyone give us a problem or give our kids a problem over it.

Each has to do what works for them and there is no one way to handle any of this.

I would be surprised if anyone at his work ever comes on to you. Laura has never had this problem when she worked for other people or anywhere else except for the Swing club and we go there for that to happen.

People are only going to think of you by what you project, don't act like a slut around them and chances are they are not going to think you are one.

[WesternSwing]

We haven't experienced it personally because we are pretty discrete about it in our work lives and with most friends. Why? Because most non-swingers don't understand. Women will judge you as a slut and the men will hope you are. What you've experienced is the exact reason single guys are not invited to many parties or allowed at clubs. Most (not all) just don't get it.

I'd say it's best to keep this all on the down-low except with those you absolutely can trust.

Mr. WS

[sereneiders]

I agree with iapr here.

VegasLee, you made some valid points, however, I believe there's something you're giving for granted, that fits your case (the "lifestyler" case), that tells appart the "lifestyler" from the "hobbist", and this isn't a matter of personal choices.

As to be able to evolve into a "lifestyler" you required cetrain degree of "openess" and acceptance in your social circles. You was lucky enough to have certain sort of education, perhaps even your parents gave you certain liberal values, already valuated tolerance as a personal feature from friends and family, so along your life it's very likely that you didn't find out any real threat from openly reflect your toughts to your peers.

For example, it seems Laura ever faced the risk of being fired from a job because of being swinger. This has few to do with Laura personal choices about how outed she wants to be, but more with the kind of jobs she is entitled to apply for: she wouldn't even think of working somewhere where being outed as a swinger would impose a threat for her, so, the lifestyle isn't a burden for her as a mere consequence for this sort of choices, and not from the choice for the "lifestyle" instead of the "hobby".

I am pointing this out because your argument sounded to me somehow elithistic and appologetic: "should you make up your mind and choose to be completelly open with everyone about being swinger, then you'll see everything falls in the proper place and you'll be happier" (and the "unionist" argument following it: "it is because of those who remains in the closet that swinging is being so ill seen in our society, should everyone come out from the closet, this sort of things wouldn't happen to anyone").

I am no telling this is your oppinion, but what you said supports this sort of arguments, even if you disagree.

But the problem here is, we cannot choose where we born, how we'd be educated, most of us not even choose the people we get emotionally attached to, our jobs based on the social environment, nor are up to give up everything, specially those people we're attached to that we valuate even when knowing they are pretty conservative and untolerant, i.e., the social environment depriving us from what you may be giving for granted in your case.

This isn't about "lifestlylers" versus "hobbists", and less about the price the hobbiests deserve to pay from not chosing to become lifestylers. No one want's to hide and do this in the closet, but we're forced to do it because in OUR social context, being outed becomes a real threat.

So, the fact that YOUR social context doesn't impose a threat to you, isn't enough to deprive other social contexts risk's from their value.

Of course, iapr post is the sum of all the fears, thus sounds stretched and unrealistic, and iapr didn't even mentioned many other risks (like being fired, having a career sabotaged, facing problems in a courts if negotiating for kids responsibilities or just to be undervaluated as witnesses, their kids being molested at school, and the list goes on and on and on). I believe iapr mentioned these examples as a figure of speech.

However, if your social context may impose a threat for you, then discretion have a key role on the "being swingers" equation, and if you or your partner cannot be discrete about this, then you better stop swinging.

[iapr]

I think sereneiders and vegaslee each make good points. I agree that vegaslee is accurate in that if you are completely open with everyone and choose all your friends and live your life in an environment that is accepting of such things you will probably not have much trouble. And sereneiders makes a good counter point that many of us do not have the luxury of choosing our work associates and neighbors and such and they are what they are.


I do disagree with one thing sereneiders said that it is that we do choose to remain underground with our lifestyle choices and it is not a matter of being forced into hiding. We both feel our sex life is private and we only allow who we choose into it.

I also do not believe that my concerns are unrealistic, I think they are very real. It may not happen to the letter with which I described it and it may not happen tomorrow or next week but it is a very real threat. I will also add that this is not a single male issue either as was implied by another poster. I think the risk of the things I mentioned is at least equally if not even more of a threat with married guys trying to sneak a piece off of what they think will be an easy and discreet target.

I do have a certain amount of admiration for people like vegaslee that can live in the open and not hide anything from anyone but I do not think it is something realistically obtained by the masses. I do not believe there is anything to be gained and I think there is much to be lost in outing yourself to anyone not in the lifestyle.

[VegasLee]

I can agree with some of what was said. I had discussed Laura here because this thread was posted by the Female of a couple that was outed.

I only had what I call One "real" job in my life before we started working twenty years ago for ourself. I had that job since I was a teenager. I ended up being the Vice President of a National Public company. Not really a low key position.

I was Outed on National T.V. When it happened I was called in by the Board of Directors and the President of the company. Because of the way I led my life and did my job and was always very upfront with people the Board of Directors saw no need to take action on me, (firing me), Left me in my position and all was well. I stayed with them for Eight more years after that happened.

It does not just have to do with how you lead your lifestyle, but also how you are in life. They knew they could trust me to do my job and not cause them any problems. It is about the person and the relationships they build in life in general.

I am not saying any of what you all have posted is wrong but there is a difference in living a lifestyle and having a hobby and how you handle them in your life.

No matter what your lifestyle is, if you have gained the trust and respect of the others in your life then life is not as hard as many make it.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

I can agree with some of what was said. I had discussed Laura here because this thread was posted by the Female of a couple that was outed.

I only had what I call One "real" job in my life before we started working twenty years ago for ourself. I had that job since I was a teenager. I ended up being the Vice President of a National Public company. Not really a low key position.

I was Outed on National T.V. When it happened I was called in by the Board of Directors and the President of the company. Because of the way I led my life and did my job and was always very upfront with people the Board of Directors saw no need to take action on me, (firing me), Left me in my position and all was well. I stayed with them for Eight more years after that happened.

It does not just have to do with how you lead your lifestyle, but also how you are in life. They knew they could trust me to do my job and not cause them any problems. It is about the person and the relationships they build in life in general.

I am not saying any of what you all have posted is wrong but there is a difference in living a lifestyle and having a hobby and how you handle them in your life.

No matter what your lifestyle is, if you have gained the trust and respect of the others in your life then life is not as hard as many make it.

That is an interesting story and you make a great point. I think your words and wisdom are right on the money. The issue for us however is not in losing our jobs. I do not feel that if we were outed that our employers would give a rats ass. If fact my boss is openly gay and so are some of the other people I work with. i think if he found out I was a swinger it would go in one ear and out the other and he wouldn't even look up from his desk.

It's not always about losing ones job but having people that you don't want involved in your sex life making themselves involved. There are people that I work with that I know darn well would make unwelcome comments to and about my wife if they knew she were a swinger and there are people that she works with that if I were to drop into her office would run for the hills when they saw me coming if they knew that I were a swinging husband even though I would not touch any of them with a ten foot pole. A lot of people have preconceived notions about swingers whether accurate or not and they let those notions affect their behaviours. I do not wish to deal with those behaviours if I don't have to.

Here is what I see is at issue, while you may have been outed quite publically against your will for the most part you have made a conscious choice to live openly and have accepted the risks and pitfalls of being open. We have made a conscious choice to keep our personal affairs private and are willing to accept and the risks and pitfalls of being underground.
In otherwords there are problems associated with being out and there are problems associated with being covert. Take your pick which ones you want to deal with. The important thing is that you have a choice.



What I think is reprehensable in the case of the OP is that her partner outed them without her knowledge or consent at his place of work for which she frequents. She did not come right and say it was against her wishes but I am assuming she she is posting it here and asking for advice that it is a fair assumption.

[sigh35]

My concern, iapr, is as you have stated. Unwanted advances. There is no concern over anyone being fired. I am no mad at my SO, because he did not intentionally cause a problem. I suggested the idea only a day after he suggested trying out going to a nude beach. It was all new to him and he didn't think about rules or codes of conduct. He was just pleasantly blown away by my suggestion and told his best bud at work in confidence...if I am irritated at anyone, it is his friend. I was just wondering if people had experienced misconceptions and how they dealt with it. I hadn't even thought through all the scenarios that you presented, but I will now.

[ShellyM]

I see what y'all are saying, and I agree with you. However, I am of the opinion that I really don't give a shit what people think of me. BUT thats just ME. I used to really care what people thought, and you know I realized that no matter what you do, some people are NOT going to like you. You can be the most proper suburban housewife on the planet and someone is not going to like you. So I live to make myself and my family happy. If you like me you do, if you don't talk to someone else. If you think I'm a slut thats okay too. Then again, I'm NOT telling people how they should live their lives. I'm just giving you my opinion. But I have been much happier since I decided to live life to make me and my family happy and not worry about what the Joneses think of me.
Shelly

[iapr]

Originally Posted by sigh35

My concern, iapr, is as you have stated. Unwanted advances. There is no concern over anyone being fired. I am no mad at my SO, because he did not intentionally cause a problem. I suggested the idea only a day after he suggested trying out going to a nude beach. It was all new to him and he didn't think about rules or codes of conduct. He was just pleasantly blown away by my suggestion and told his best bud at work in confidence...if I am irritated at anyone, it is his friend. I was just wondering if people had experienced misconceptions and how they dealt with it. I hadn't even thought through all the scenarios that you presented, but I will now.

In all honesty even though I think it is real bad of him to do that and now you are open to some issues and problems you may not have wanted to deal with at this time it certainly is not the end of the world. Read vegaslee's post thoroughly and read between the lines on what is being said. The message to take home from that is even though people do have inaccurate notions and ideas, how you carry yourself and conduct yourself in the end will determine your fate. Yes his buddies will snicker and make googelly eyes and there is the chance that someone will make an advance or inappropriate comment but how you hold and conduct yourself will determine if it ever happens again. A straight face and a serious "our personal life is none of your business" will go along way as long as you say it like you mean it.

Your hubby has a huge role in this as well. He may have dropped the ball initially but if he gets his shit together and treats you with dignity and respect and commands that from everyone else as well they will fall into place too. In fact that is one of his main jobs to do under any circumstance if you continue in the lifesyle.

As long as you are aware of what some of the issues that may arise are and make some common sense plans on how to deal with them as they come up you will be fine.

[VegasLee]

I don't know what it is but except for the Trolls on line Laura and I don't tend to get people making unwanted advances or saying anything about us to us or our kids. Most of which are adults now but where kids when this all came out.

Maybe it is the way we handle ourself in general that keeps people from being to stupid about it with us. They know they have nothing "on us" since it is out in the open.

I guess in the beginning I felt like others, had to stay in the closet but once we realized that this was more to us then just the sex, that it is our life and lifestyle we got over it.

We have found in our life the only things that can hurt us are the things that are hidden or lied about.

I will be the first to admit that our life does not work for all, or even most for that matter but it is all about frame of mind and nothing else.

Good luck!

[BiloxiCouple]

We outed ourselves several years ago. We've had no problems with it. Every year I invite my work to the local club for a birthday party. The most I have had there was 45 people from work. So now I have over 45 more swingers from work. Also the ones that do come back can be discrete when they talk about it because they use me as an excuse if it comes up again!!

Problems at work? No. In fact I have had several people ask me about the lifestyle. I try to give them the best answers and direct them to any resources they need about questions. Normally I direct them here. They just don't get anything personal about what we do. That part of it is nobody's business.

Overall, it's really amazing how many vanilla people know about the lifestyle and where the clubs and parties are being held at!

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by sigh35

Now I worry that they may think swinger=sex with anyone and everyone. Anyone else experience a problem with people thinking you were up for grabs?

Yes, it did happen to me, and it was a very creepy feeling. It made me very angry and upset.

Hubby and I had been to this house party where we met a lot of new people. Early on, the party was fun and sociable. Later, it felt weird and awkward (too many reasons to go into here), it felt like pressure from the host. We went along with some of the games up to a point, but we didn't play. We left early.

A few days later, I was walking down the street a couple of blocks from my office in a business suit. Somebody was hollering my name. I turned around, and it was some guy from that party. Right behind him was a group of his co-workers staring, as he ran toward me. He was all friendly and kind of loud - I felt uncomfortable, right out on the street so close to work. The way his co-workers were standing by, grinning and staring, I felt creeped out (I feel that they were told stuff about me before he came running up). I said "nice to see you" and hurried off. Not long after, I was coming back up the street - they seemed to be gone. As I rounded the corner, one of his co-workers stepped out, walking toward me and hollering, "Hey! where are you going? Do you work at ___?" He kept talking like he was hitting on me, thought I'd stop and talk to him, and I felt like he saw me as some easy pick-up. I felt sure that the guy from the swinger party had outed me to these guys. (Yes, sometimes people who call themselves swingers are very indiscreet!)

I hurried into the building where I work as quick as I could, but was verrrry uncomfortable. At least there are a lot of businesses in this building. But, I wanted to beat that creep with a lead pipe!

I felt like the "swinger" and his co-worker buddies thought of me as a cheap and easy slab of meat. It was very disconcerting to me, since I was not at all prepared for it, I was in my real life/professional element when it happened.