What is your actual formula for success?

[iapr]

Mrs iapr and I have been active in the lifestyle for just a little over a year now and we have had our share of successes as well as fallen on our faces a few times. We were recently having a discussion about our experiences and what we have learned etc and came to the realization that we have never had an actual sexual encounter with anyone that we have not interacted with to one degree or another at a LS club or party.

In realizing this I was somewhat suprised as I HATE loud smokey bars and do not feel that I function that well in a bar type environment. I always figured we would have more success in a quiet, more personal and intimate environment such as dinner and drinks with some personal conversation initially to meet and then have some follow-up meetings and take things to higher levels over time. In reviewing all the actual cases where we have actually had sexual encounters this has not been the case at all.

In reality we have met a good number of couples over vanilla dinner/drinks or other vanilla venues and have found them attractive and pleasant and have agreed that they are the kind of people we like but then nothing ever happens after that. The reality is unless we have partied with them to one degree or another at a LS club or party it has never gone to the next step.

We are not sure of the reason behind this, it could be that people that shy away from clubs are too tentative for us or require too much "courting" from us that we do not have the time or energy to put into it that they require. Or maybe they think that since we do go to clubs and parties they think we are too wild or will be too aggressive or something.

Or maybe the issue is on our end in that we need that extra sexual "charge" that the club environment provides so that we get that extra spark to take things to the next level. Regardless of the reason(s) we have found that dancing, flirting and interacting in the club envirnment is what seems to be the key for us regardless of my preconceived ideas of what would work for us were.

So my questions for you are - what is your "formula" for success (in this case success is an actual sexual encounter)? Do you also seem to need the excitiment and stimulation of the club environment to take things to that level or are there other things that work for you? Do need a number of vanilla meetings and activities to reach a comfort level to take things into the sexual arena? Do you function best in the comforts of a quiet home environment or do you prefer to be out of the house in another environment?

And my main question that I am really interested in hearing about, when you look at what ACTUALLY works for you, is it different than what you may THINK should work or you would have thought would work for you?

I would appreciate any feedback or insight you can offer.

[good times]

We have had the same experience as you. All of the people we have actually played with we first interacted with in a sexually charged swingers club or swingers club like setting setting, even those that we had first contact with through an internet sight. Like you we have never made it to the bedroom with anyone that we just met for dinner or in a purely vanilla setting.

We never really thought about this much until you brought it up here, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the flirting and sexually charged interaction required to encourage moving on to sex is missing in purely vanilla settings. Therefore, even if all think they would be into each other, we don't get worked up enough sexually in the vanilla setting for anyone to make the next move.

[Tia Vampire]

Become part of a group and attend alot of house parties. That way you can become known to other like-minded people such as yourself. Be patient, respectful, and honest. We have not been in the life-style long, but this is our formula for success and so far it has worked for us.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by iapr

In reality we have met a good number of couples over vanilla dinner/drinks or other vanilla venues and have found them attractive and pleasant and have agreed that they are the kind of people we like but then nothing ever happens after that. The reality is unless we have partied with them to one degree or another at a LS club or party it has never gone to the next step.

This is very interesting. What happens at this stage? Does anyone in the foursome ask for a play date, or do you all go your separate ways and just not talk until you perhaps see each other at the club?

Although we are like you in that we expected to function better by meeting prospective playmates for dinner, we're different from you in that that has been our formula for "success".

The nearest lifestyle club for us is over an hour away, and we've only been there once. We've been to a couple of parties. We have fun when we go out dancing and to parties, but with only two exceptions we have met all our playmates over dinner or drinks after meeting via Swing Lifestyle. One of the exceptions is a couple we met through current playmates at a party.

When we meet through Swing Lifestyle, we get acquainted and flirt a bit over dinner. Maybe we go out and do something else that night. If there is a four way match, there is sexual excitement in these settings for us without being at a club or a party. If I'm not excited meeting someone over dinner or drinks, I don't see a reason to have sex with them at all. Unless it happens on the first date, which has happened a couple of times, we all go home. Mr. Fuse and I take time to talk about the other couple and how we feel about them, and then contact each other later to set up playtime.

I am almost always the one to take the initiative. Could it be that you just haven't gone out on that limb, to ask for a date?

I guess it's all in what gets you excited. For us it's all about the people, more so than the atmosphere. It's pretty rare that we'd be ready to have sex with someone before spending at least several hours with them, preferably over more than one date.

In fact, I have been a little more guarded at parties and the club than I am while out to dinner/drinks, because I don't want to do something hasty in a sexually charged atmosphere and then wonder later why we played with that couple.

[LikeMinds321]

We're with Fuse.

Our success formula is meeting people privately in vanilla settings. A place we can converse easily. Since we've been attending more swinger clubs we're realizing the down side to hooking up there is the inability to have a conversation in a normal tone of voice. Also the rushed feel, as if we all have to click in 5 mintues of chat or it's time to move on to someone else. Kind of like speed dating.

We have always felt plenty of sexual vibes with people we meet privately who we know we're compatible with. We nearly always play on the first meet when we know we all want to. As with Fuse, I am most often the initiator when it comes to asking if we're all interested in playing.

Clubs are good for the social 'fix' of being around swingers and hanging out with established friends. But we never head to a club looking to hook up because we've learned we never have the same connection with people when in large groups. We connect better with people when meeting privately.

LM

[iapr]

Great posts Fuse and Great Minds!! What you both have described is to a large extent the way I 'THOUGHT' things would happen, it just hasn't turned out that way. You both make great points in that no propositions or offers to play have ever been made over the dinner table. There is a chance that if a legitimate offer is made sometime that it is possible that it may be accepted but the sometimes the issue is that there is just no spark or chemistry in those vanilla settings.

Now in saying that I am not saying that some of these people have not been very attractive and pleasant and likeable it is just that there hasn't been the chemistry to the point that it felt like an offer was the appropriate thing to do at that time and place.

then what has happened several times is at the end of the evening we all say the compulsory, "let's get together again soon!" but then nothing ever happens past that. A number of times we have made offers on getting together again but there are always other scheduling issues that prevent another meeting and follow up dates never get scheduled. Then within a short period of time we take it as a blow off or we just plain lose interest and we don't pursue it any further.

It seems like in the club environment it is more sexually charged and people are more likely to be more open and flirty and it seems the more appropriate place to make or accept offers to play.

Are we just being lazy and need to make more of an attempt at follow up or is there something about the clubs that are innately more condusive to play opportunities? (I should state these are off-premise clubs I am refering to)

[Mr. Truelove]

I think I would have a difficult time meeting for drinks, going home. And then later setting up a playtime.

I like to have a bit of build-up. Dancing, drinking, flirting, touching....and then finally when we can't wait any longer head to the bedroom for a sex charged playdate. I would think the clubs would be most conductive to this.

I am simply not experienced enough to comment through experience though. But this is what is most appealing to me.

Mr. Truelove

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by iapr

Now in saying that I am not saying that some of these people have not been very attractive and pleasant and likeable it is just that there hasn't been the chemistry to the point that it felt like an offer was the appropriate thing to do at that time and place.

Normally we don't propose play right there in the restaurant. As you said, it seems a little strange. But, sometimes it happens , or one couple will invite the other one home. Usually we have talked to the couple beforehand about whether we all would consider playing that night if everyone wants to, and usually we've all agreed it's off the table for the first date, but not always.

After the "get acquainted" date, each couple goes home and decides what they think. This is an important time for Mr. Fuse and me, where we talk about what we've noticed about the other couple and what we think of them as people and potential playmates, whether there might be any pitfalls, drama, etc. Obviously having this conversation would be difficult to do at a club. Then we either say, "No thanks" or we ask for another date, this one with the idea that there will be play at the end of the night.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by iapr

Mrs iapr and I have been active in the lifestyle for just a little over a year now and we have had our share of successes as well as fallen on our faces a few times. We were recently having a discussion about our experiences and what we have learned etc and came to the realization that we have never had an actual sexual encounter with anyone that we have not interacted with to one degree or another at a LS club or party.

We have recently been having a similar discussion and have come to a similar conclusion.

For us, what we have found is that everyone we have met and ended up playing with we initially met at a club or social. We may not have played with them on the first meeting. Whereas those we have met over drinks / dinner first tend more often to get discontinued out of lack of interest (perhaps we got to know them too well too quick due to too much discussion). On the same note, those that we have played with and later hunt out with in a vanilla setting we have found our sexual interest in them waning.

Overall, we feel we've had really good luck with clubs/socials. With the exception of one particular social location - multiple socials are held in this locaiton - we have had success with meeting a couple at every social/ club we have gone to. Often we've chatted with them online before finding each other at the social, but often it was just pure luck that we met them and it went from there. That said, the more we look at it the more appealing socials/clubs become for us and the more we try to find different ones that we haven't yet been to in an opportunity to meet different people.

[MrkLin]

Our formula, if you can call it that, is inviting people to our house parties. We’ve met people in vanilla settings, in clubs, and online with varying degrees of success in moving things forward. There’s just something about the atmosphere of a house party that lets people relax and open up.

We like to meet people we invite to a party before the party itself, but sometimes that doesn’t happen for various reasons. In those cases, we chat online a lot and talk on the phone before we give out personal info like our address to just anyone we think might be a swinging couple. We’ve had great results this way, and have made some very good friends.

The hardest part in this equation is getting people to try a house party if they’ve never been to one. They think that there’s this big orgy in the middle of the living room floor, and that by coming to the party, they’re somehow obligated to have sex with someone. Much like a swing club, this just isn’t the case. We’ve never had a huge orgy in the middle of our living room floor – no matter how hard I try to get one going – lol. I think the closest we’ve come to that point is a 5-person daisy chain, but I digress…

A house party is just like any other lifestyle function or event – you’re not obligated to do anything but be polite and have some manners. No still means NO! We have two bedrooms available for play, and we have a huge garden tub for those who like to soak and such. Everyone who attends our parties knows that everything is available for them to use or not as they wish.

In a lot of ways a house party is much like a vanilla party. There’s a lot of socializing, people getting to know each other, and there are plenty of snacks, drinks, and music. The main difference is there is a sexual theme to the party, and folks are welcome to pair off and move down the hall to play if they wish. Nudity is acceptable, and is actually downright encouraged, but not mandatory in any way. Other than that, it’s just like any other party.

If you’re ever invited to a house party, give it a shot. By all means, go. Even if you’re not particularly attracted to the host couple, I’m sure you’ll meet some people there that you are attracted to. If nothing else, you’ll get to meet some lifestyle people you wouldn’t otherwise meet. If things progress to the point of playing, you’re in a no-pressure atmosphere that’s conducive to it. Give it a go!

[PB&J]

Agree with Mr Lklin about how much fun house parties can be. We've met some great people through them. However, vanilla setting can work really well for us too- either meeting for drinks and dinner, or drinks, and then moving on to playtime if we click. Clubs? Not so much, not sure why. We've tried them, without terribly much success.

[iapr]

Hey, that sob story is sounding kind of familiar!

Let me see if I can provide some follow-up. In the year and a half since I first posted this thread we have had exactly 2 encounters that resulted from an initial vanilla meeting over dinner/drinks that ended up in the bedroom. In both of those instances someone just got bold enough to make an offer and it was accepted and a good time was had by all

Anymore we really don't even try to meet people the first time privately unless they appear to be something really really special. there have just been too many scheduling conflicts and too many dead ends and we just don't have the time to spend going from one dead end to another.

I wish I could say that since originally writing this we have unlocked the key of swinging success and that it has all been smooth sailing since then...yeah I'd really like to say that

The truth is we are still just as fumbling and inept as ever. We still strike out a lot and sometimes we just plain fall on our faces but every now and then we hit one out of the ballpark too. We still go to a number of clubs and formal M/Gs and that still seems to work best for us.

In reading back through my prior posts I do believe I hit one nail on the head. I think there are a number of very high quality people out there that don't do clubs and prefer a more quiet and personal environment in which to get to know people and to achieve a higher level of comfort. Unfortunately we are just not able to provide them the time and energy that they require for things to progress to the naked level even though we may want to. There may be some attraction and chemistry there but we don't have the time to provide the courting and comfort that they need to make things happen.

We only get a handfull of hours a couple times a month that we can devote to playtime and in order for us to catch that window someone has to be there face to face with us and they have to have all their sitter arraingments made, have to be in the mood and no Aunt Flow etc etc and for us that pretty much means if they aren't at the club ready to go it probably ain't happen'n.