New Twist to an Old Issue

[havefuninsun]

We've read many threads on here dealing with how to email someone and let them know you're not interested anymore. Here's a new twist.

OK -- so you've shared an email or two and have moved onto chat. So you've chatted for a while -- a day or so -- and realize that you're not compatible and you don't have any desire to meet this couple. Now what? Chatting is a little more "face to face" than emailing; clearly not as hard as telling someone to their face you're not interested. So how to you wane the chats?

I suck at this, I know. I just hide normally -- sign on invisibly for a while until folks get irritated and give up. What a whimpy way to deal with this. My way is not a nice way to deal with this. Hell -- if someone were to tell me in chat "hey -- it was nice getting to know you, but I don't think we're compatible at this time. Good luck with your search " I don't think it would bother me terribly much. I might feel a flush across my face, but I'd get over it.

One reason it's hard for me to type those words is from my "vanilla" online dating experiences. I'd email, chat, possibly talk on the phone with guys and when I didn't want the relationship pursued further, I'd ignore them. They'd get the hint, right? The ONE TIME I did the honorable thing and responded to an IM with something like the above, I was accused of being a snob, basically. I forget exactly what was said, but it put me on the defensive and pissed me off. So now it appears I'm probably pissing people off still, but I don't have to have the confrontation.

I avoid conflict. Can you tell?

So, my question is ... for those who act more like a grownup, how do you deal with this? Do you get a lot of slack from the other parties? I think part of my problem too, is that I was too honest when the "vanilla" dude asked "why?" to the statement "I don't think we're compatible." I have a tactful issue, too, it appears ...

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

The ONE TIME I did the honorable thing and responded to an IM with something like the above, I was accused of being a snob, basically. I forget exactly what was said, but it put me on the defensive and pissed me off. So now it appears I'm probably pissing people off still, but I don't have to have the confrontation.

I avoid conflict. Can you tell?

So, my question is ... for those who act more like a grownup, how do you deal with this? Do you get a lot of slack from the other parties? I think part of my problem too, is that I was too honest when the "vanilla" dude asked "why?" to the statement "I don't think we're compatible." I have a tactful issue, too, it appears ...

This has happened to us a few times. I don't chat with many people to begin with - I generally chat only my friends and family, and with couples that don't live in town. But if the chat indicates that we are likely not compatible, I simply send an email that after some consideration, we don't feel we are compatible.

The majority of the time, we get flack about it or are strongly questioned about it. We don't explain any further - the truth was that we are not compatible based on the chat content and we don't need to waste everyone's time and money meeting if there was plenty of information provided in the chat for us to make a decision. Only once has the other party just accepted our decision.

It's frustrating, but I feel a bit better being honest and saving everyone the time spent trying to get an answer or guessing at what is going on.

My .01 cent.

Rebecca

[The Fuse]

This question brings out my cynical side a bit. Much of the time, doing the honorable thing just doesn't get a good reaction. Mostly I think you might just take the attitude that you turn someone down nicely not to be nice to them, but in order to feel good about doing the right thing. Sometimes we get stung for that.

The only thing I can recommend besides what you wrote in your original post is to just make a reference to how unexplainable chemistry is, and although the rejectee is a very cool guy/couple, you're just not feeling it and don't want to waste their time. I've done this with good results (and it's not been a lie), and have also "hid" as you have sometimes done. Just depends on how forthright I'm feeling.

Speaking of losing out from doing the right thing...

In an unrelated incident, last Wednesday we asked a couple who'd been emailing us if they wanted to meet Saturday night. They said sure, if they could get a sitter, but they'd understand if we made other plans in the meantime and would know by Friday.

On Thursday, a couple with a guy I am seriously hot for let us know they would be at a club event on Saturday, and that they would like to see us. Argh...

The first couple got their sitter, I talked to the lady on the phone on Saturday at around 6 PM, and we arranged to meet. I really wanted to take the out she had given us (can women get blue-balls?), but didn't feel right since it was our idea to meet in the first place.

What do you think happened? They stood us up. We did the right thing and got the bad result.

They haven't been online since, so I suppose it's possible something bad could have happened. But when they do sign on again, will I confront them? No... I'll just ignore them and avoid the conflict.

In short... I wouldn't feel too badly if you just avoid them, but you'll feel better if you do the right thing .

[daisy girl]

I am a big wimp. I have ignored people rather than have the hard discussions. Does that make me feel good? No...it is just sometimes easier. THis is one of the reasons that I have seriously cut down on my online chatting.

[StacyCat]

Usually, i'll go invisable. Or, if I do go visable, I will let them contact me. Or keep answers shorter than usual.

[JustAskJulie]

I don't really do chat to start with so it's easy. I pretty much only chat with people I've already gotten to know.

[ViSexual]

OK, now this may sound mean, but...,

When I was in the car business I was in a position of firing salesmen.

And in the business the salesmen and sales managers spent a lot of time together and became friends as well as co-workers

When, for whatever reason, I did have to fire one I'd usually begin with "nothing you can say or do can change my mind".

That way they didn't embarrass themselves with begging.

In this lifestyle it's sort of the same. You share a lot, you become friends through the sharing, but, sometimes something is said or something is revealed that lets you know that you're just not compatible.

Why not just say that "We just don't feel like this is working. And, there's nothing you two can do or change that will make it different. It doesn't matter what it is..., we wouldn't want to change and don't want other's too either, but we just feel it's not right so we wish you two all the luck and fun in the world and thank you for the times we've shared. Good luck, Guys! "

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

I suck at this, I know. I just hide normally -- sign on invisibly for a while until folks get irritated and give up. What a whimpy way to deal with this. My way is not a nice way to deal with this.

Hi havefuninsun,

I think it's very common to do the deed the way you do. A lot of people post on the board about "fakes", people who seem interested for awhile and then they "disappear". However, this is just the way it is, and it doesn't make anyone "fake" if they handle backing off from somebody this way. Sometimes you can tell that someone is going to put up a fuss if you end contact with a polite statement, so it's easier to just not be available to them anymore. It's just natural that out of all the people we begin to have some kind of contact with, a certain percentage of them will be people we want to cease contact with at some point. It happens after a face-to-face meet, it happens even after sex happens. It's just the way it is, and people don't take rejection very well regardless of which way it's done.

To me, the depth of conversation that's needed to end something depends a lot on how much time and energy was invested. After meeting face to face and/or having sex and then ending it, that deserves a basic "thanks, but it's not a good fit for us to continue" kind of ending. But people who've just chatted a few times?

I don't think people should have such high expectations, and they need to accept that chatting followed by ending chats is part of the normal screening process. If they aren't graceful about a chat "break up", imagine how hard they'd be to shake loose of if things didn't work out in person, or after sex.

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

In an unrelated incident, last Wednesday we asked a couple who'd been emailing us if they wanted to meet Saturday night. They said sure, if they could get a sitter, but they'd understand if we made other plans in the meantime and would know by Friday.

On Thursday, a couple with a guy I am seriously hot for let us know they would be at a club event on Saturday, and that they would like to see us. Argh...

The first couple got their sitter, I talked to the lady on the phone on Saturday at around 6 PM, and we arranged to meet. I really wanted to take the out she had given us (can women get blue-balls?), but didn't feel right since it was our idea to meet in the first place.

What do you think happened? They stood us up. We did the right thing and got the bad result.

They haven't been online since, so I suppose it's possible something bad could have happened. But when they do sign on again, will I confront them? No... I'll just ignore them and avoid the conflict.

In short... I wouldn't feel too badly if you just avoid them, but you'll feel better if you do the right thing .

Well -- this story TOTALLY sucks. I admire you guys for doing the right thing though -- that says a lot about your character. Hopefully you guys can catch up with HOT GUY soon (that scene from Friends when Joey is going around looking for HOT GIRL just came to mind -- LOL).

The interesting thing about this is, the couple in question is a couple Mr. Fun said, after I had emailed them, "no -- don't send them an email" and he had good reasons to feel they were not a good match. But then it was too late. Then he IM'd me and wanted face pics. We have the unpopular policy about face pics (we don't share them for a while, if at all), and explained our reasons. He explained they didn't chat with those who didn't share pics because their connection to people was based on physical aspects (ours is based on more mental and attitude). So -- I said, "hey -- different philosophies, I can dig it, but that's not how we roll." So I figured that was that. But now he keeps wanting to chat. And keeps asking for pictures (as my son would say, "what a newb" -- a "newb" is someone who is new to playing Word of Warcraft, evidently. When I ask questions about the game, he says, "Mom -- you're such a newb" -- so I'm sure it's a term of endearment. LOL)

I think my first lesson is to stop giving out our IM so quick. BUT, it's easier to chat and get to know people that way than trading emails. I guess the bottom line is, it just ain't easy.

I'm also glad to know I'm not the only whimpy one ... Seems to be a lot of lovers and not a lot of fighters on this board.

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

You know reading your initial post I was thinking that your acknowledgment of the issue put you well on your way to recifying what you saw as an inner problem. Yet after reading your follow up, I kinda get the feeling you did tell him, perhaps indirectly, but none-the-less, he should get the hint that compatability is a no-go and the the entire issue is tabled permanently and the communication ceases. Especially since he wanted face pics and you said "Sorry, no" and explained the reasoning behind it, why you do it and what traits you tend to look for.

[SandJinVT]

Unfortunately, there are far more swingers using the "ignore" method of saying no, than actually being straightforward and just saying it. Yes, you might get a smart remark in return. Yes, you might be called a snob, or worse. And yes, they may get angry. But I've found that if we are polite, don't lead anyone on, and be forthright, we rarely get a mean, miserable, or nasty response.

I would suggest that you eliminate some of the time you appear to be taking in making up your mind. Some people, once pics have been exchanged, expect to hear the first time they chat whether or not you are interested in pursuing it farther. What we do, and it works for us and might not work for others: we exchange an email or two with pictures, we arrange to meet. We don't spend hours chatting online because we've found that online chatting isn't going to tell us if we are truly attracted to the people or not. We meet at either a bar or restaurant to say hello, share a meal or drink. That face to face meeting spares everyone a lot of wasted time. AND we make it clear that the first meet is a "no play" situation, so no one comes into it with expectations that are not going to come to fruition for them. S

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by SandJinVT

What we do, and it works for us and might not work for others: we exchange an email or two with pictures, we arrange to meet. We don't spend hours chatting online because we've found that online chatting isn't going to tell us if we are truly attracted to the people or not. We meet at either a bar or restaurant to say hello, share a meal or drink.

We do the same, and this works for us, too. Dito

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

The interesting thing about this is, the couple in question is a couple Mr. Fun said, after I had emailed them, "no -- don't send them an email" and he had good reasons to feel they were not a good match. But then it was too late. Then he IM'd me and wanted face pics. We have the unpopular policy about face pics (we don't share them for a while, if at all), and explained our reasons. He explained they didn't chat with those who didn't share pics because their connection to people was based on physical aspects (ours is based on more mental and attitude). So -- I said, "hey -- different philosophies, I can dig it, but that's not how we roll." So I figured that was that. But now he keeps wanting to chat. And keeps asking for pictures

We ran into one of those not long after we put up our SLS profile...he actually loved to chat...we traded some pics (us and them)...some clothed, some not really. Every chat after that was a new request for pictures (even after one chat where I had mentioned being home sick from work for a few days he immediately asked if we had any new pics...um NO). When ever Jeff would get on to chat if I stepped away from the PC, he would sign off or clam up. We tried to arrange to meet 2 or 3 times to no avail (he at least had the decency to cancel before we drove an hour or so). Finally I got a bit ugly in the chat stating if he was just a picture collector then to just say so rather than stringing us along for a potential meeting...well, I didn't get a response to that and he immediately signed off and didn't contact us for over a month. By then he is now a 'single' and still looking to play. *le sigh*

Frustrating...but listing yourself as a couple when you really are a single just to come up in a profile search is a bit on the newb side for me. lol But that's another thread...

Hopefully there is a some what peaceful resolution here for you.

Good luck,
Maria

[SandJinVT]

I just re-read the initial post to this thread. One thing that we never do when turning someone down is to be specific. In other words, we never say why, we never try to explain our reasons. Our standard line (and yes, we've used this after we've met face to face, as well as during chat), is "I'm sorry, we just don't think we're compatible with the two of you. Good luck in your search!".

And yes, we still get the occasional "why?", which we decline to put an answer to. S

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

I avoid conflict. Can you tell?

So, my question is ... for those who act more like a grownup, how do you deal with this? Do you get a lot of slack from the other parties? I think part of my problem too, is that I was too honest when the "vanilla" dude asked "why?" to the statement "I don't think we're compatible." I have a tactful issue, too, it appears ...

LOL, you are so sweet. First of all, you aren't going to be attracted to every couple that comes in contact with you. To some couples I'm too heavy, to some I'm too thin, too brunette, etc. We all have our thing and what we are attracted to. In my opinion if you have a specific reason why you aren't compatible it does not hurt to say so in a very polite and tactful manner.

For instance, pretty recently a couple emailed us saying they liked our pics, etc. Very sweet email. I read their profile and in red nonetheless it says that they are very sexually passive and will not ever make the first move or initiate. Now with me, our profile says the opposite; it says that I am not attracted to sexualy passive gentlemen. So I politely explained why I did not feel that we would be a good sexual match but wished them best of luck and a wonderful day. If you simply just aren't feeling it you don't owe anyone an explanation. A simple thank you for your email, I don't feel we are compatible at this time but we only wish you the best of luck will suffice.

Best of luck to you lol.