Getting flack for our stated Personal Preferences on race

[CureeusCPL57]

We have been involved in the lifestyle for many years. In the past couple of years we have been catching flack about our prsonal prefernce of not being interested in playing with black lifestylers.

We have no problem with hanging out and having fun with them (we have several black friends). We just do not have an interest in the bedroom.

What is any different with this being a preference than not wanting to play with bi-guys, no anal, wanting single ladies only, wanting single guys ony . . . They are all just preferences.

We would like your input.

[Mr. Truelove]

We all have our preferences. I personally don't find myself attracted to many Asians nor African Americans, however I have seen some that I would understand how they are very beautiful. And I have ran across some that I find attractive. But generally speaking I am not attracted to those races. I am also not attracted to a multitude of other woman for other factors.

You aren't alone. I don't think it is wrong. And if someone didn't play with me because I am caucasian I wouldn't feel bad at all.

Mr. Truelove

[Chicup]

Exactly how are you catching flak?

We have our personal lists of wants and do not wants, and I can't say we caught any flak for it.

[Tia Vampire]

There are people that we will not play with either. What you like and prefer is what you like and prefer. I have no problem if a person does not play with me because of my skin color. I've seen it many times in profiles and find that honesty is good. That way i will not contact these people and maybe embarrass them or give them a chance to say some off the wall junk. So keep it real. Don't know why someone would say something to you about it.

[LOL_OMG]

This post has the possibility of crossing into the political relm. If your catching flack it's because of the current politically correct atmosphere. As stated in previous posts there are so many different reasons people pick or reject other couples. When the swinger police show up and tell you who you have to swing with, and why, it's all over. Racial couples are welcomed by us, but swinging with people that will poke anything that moves are 'right out.' If you can be harrased for your views it's only a matter of time before we are hammered for ours. I say just tell your detractors to take a chill pill and worry about their own lives.

Mr. Lol

[good times]

Since you stated that you are getting flack from people for this preference it indicates to me that you have told people this. It doesn't matter what your preferences are, if you tell people, you will get flack over it. If I don't prefer to play with skinny girls, (I actually like skinny girls, this is just an example) I just decline to play with them if one were to approach me, I don't give them any reason other than I am not interested. On the other hand if I said, "no, I don't play with skinny girls" I would most likely get flack from others about it, no surprise, that is just the way it is.

Granted their are certain things you can say openly that gets you less flack than others, usually because they are common. Such as stating that you prefer HWP playmates. But even with the common preferences you sometimes get flack over it.

So, if you don't want to get flack over it the answer is really very simple, don't tell people your specific preferences. Instead, just decline to play with people you do not prefer to play with without giving specific reasons. If you do state specific preferences, then don't be surprised or take it personal when some people take offense to it, because they will, it is human nature.

Keep in mind also that stating preferences, especially ones that are as much a hot button as racial preferences, can hurt you in more ways than just getting a little flack over it. Frankly, My wife and I are both white, we have no preferences regarding race, but if I see an ad that specifies, "no blacks" or any other racial preference, we would probably find that offensive and decline to play with that person, but we wouldn't give them any flack over it. So by putting these types of preferences in a profile, you surely won't get contacted by the persons you stated a preference against, but at the same time you also won't be contacted by folks that took offense at your preference. All that for stating something that is unnecessary and serves no purpose when you can just decline to play with anyone for any preference without stating them specifically.

A good test when doing a profile is to look it over and see if you have included any negative preferences. In other words, have you stated precisely or by implication people you prefer not to play with. If you have, don't be surprised if some people find that preference offensive. In my opinion those types of things are also counterproductive, because, often times, they not only offend those that it is targeted at but also those that it isn't. So, when writing a profile, or even when just telling others our preferences, I prefer to only include the positive things we are looking for in play partners and usually avoid the negative.

[iapr]

Everyone has a right to pursue their preferences and not have to justify those preferences to anyone. However the way you worded this does indicate the possibility of some racial undertones and in our politically correct climate you may get some heat over it.

Let me put it this way, most people are going to meet far more people that they are not attracted to than folks they are attracted to so to not be interested in any one person or couple is not unusual. But to state that you are not attracted to an entire race of people is going to cause some people's racism meter to go off.

If anyone invites you to play that you are not interested in it is perfectly ok to say, "thank you for offering but we are not interested at this point," and leave it at that. No further explaination is necessary. Now if you were to be approached by someone of a particular race and you state, "no thank you were are not interested in (state whatever race here)," there is a good chance someone will be offended by that and perhaps rightfully so.

When you state you are not interested in people of a particular race, you are making race an issue. If you are not interested in _____ and _____ or _____ and ___ because you are not interested in or attracted to them then it is just a matter of attraction and chemistry between individuals and noone can really knock that.

[CureeusCPL57]

We have been getting people writing to us (on SLS) saying we must be prejudice. Believe it or not it has been mainly white women that are either dating or married to black men. We have only had two balck men write to us. It has been the women (approx. 13 out of 15) that are so vocal on this topic.

We think you are right . . . It is all about this politically correct world we are having to deal with.

[StacyCat]

There is a big difference between "I dont play with black people" and "I have not yet met a black person that I am attracted to." The first implies discrimination and prejudice, the second aknowledges the prejudice, yet does not have active discrimination.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by CureeusCPL57

We have been getting people writing to us (on SLS) saying we must be prejudice. Believe it or not it has been mainly white women that are either dating or married to black men. We have only had two balck men write to us. It has been the women (approx. 13 out of 15) that are so vocal on this topic.

We think you are right . . . It is all about this politically correct world we are having to deal with.

It's the phrasing of your profile - the way you highlight it in red, the whole presentation of it. Is that really necessary?

Please read GoodTimes' post closely, especially the last few sentences. If you focus on what you are looking for (the positives) and just avoid the bold statements about who you don't want writing to you (negatives), you won't be getting any negative, angry mail.

Depending on the wording of it and how much emphasis people use, we are turned-off by people with negatives in their profiles ("we don't want this, we don't want that"), even if those negatives don't apply to us personally.

[Tybee Swing]

CureeusCPL,

Under your statement about not wanting relationships with black people, you've got a section that SHOUTS at single men to not write to you and if they write they will be blocked. This seems excessive (although it's common).

I've read here that SLS has a feature that allows you to block whole groups of people from being able to view/respond to your profile, such as single men. Why not activate this feature, and then you can just avoid the negative paragraph about it?

[two_execs]

I agree with iapr and stacycat. Either you are attracted to someone or not. It really is just that simple, and you should not have to explain your choice. If they are unhappy about your choice, it is their problem, not yours.

Take for example, two beautiful, dark skinned women from Hollywood, Halle Berry and Rosario Dawson (both, multi-ethnic). To me, Halle Berry is very attractive while Rosario is not. It is very subjective and I can't even explain why one is more attractive than the other. Sometimes generalizations are just that, Generalizations.

I am from India and my wife is an American (white). According to anthropological definition both are Caucasians, but I can tell you that if I go out there and say that I am a Caucasian people will laugh at me! So even definitions are sometimes useless to a society!!

Mr. XX

[CureeusCPL57]

We had to put our statement about African Americans and Single men in red to draw attention to them. 80% of the men on the site read the heading and look at the pictures only. We were gettingt a lot of single men and blacks writing to us. We try to be kind enough to write back to everyone that writes to us. It was getting out of hand (2-3 a day). Since we put these staements in our profile, we get very few unwanted letters. Like we said, we still get that pissed off person ocassionally. We really do not care what those people think. They just need to get over themselves. We just wanted to see what people thought about these preferences, compared to other types of preferences.

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by CureeusCPL57

We really do not care what those people think.

I tend to look at profiles where people put stuff like that in a negative fashion with a bit of caution. Because in the back of my mind I am thinking that the minute I am unattractive or not what that person is looking for, they are suddenly going to be just as negative towards me. I might end up being one of "Those people" that I just quoted you saying.

Watching how people treat others is often a reflection of how they will treat you.

I know writing rejection letters isn't fun, but a simple "I don't think we're a match, good luck with your search." will suffice most the time.

I completely agree with good times here.

Mr. Truelove

[wewannabebad2]

We just have to say that it is hard to believe that in this day and age, that the color of one's skin still causes so many problems. Preferences are one thing, but this seems to be a much deeper issue. When referring to another race or singles as "Those People" and saying things like "they need to get over themselves" you are giving off very negative vibes about yourself. At one time or another we were all single and we all just wanted to be given an opportunity. And yes some singles are more persistent than others so we have chosen to just block them. As for other races we are open to all if we find them attractive and the chemistry is right. If the chemistry isn't there we simply write them a note that we just don't find them compatible and we move on. But honestly if we had three or four different people writing to us every day we would feel flattered.