Vanilla girlfriend hit on me

des1re06 · 03-28-2007, 11:34 AM

I have a very close girlfriend (married) who is aware of our lifestyle, but I don't discuss any details with her. She just knows that we swing. Her daughter is a lesbian, so she's not a prude toward my bi-sexuality. One night recently, she and I went out (girls night out), and she let me know that she was curious about being with a woman. I love her as a friend, but am not attracted to her sexually. I discussed with hubby, and he understands what's happening. I basically left it with her that she (and her hubby) was welcome to join us when we go to clubs, and get a feel for what the lifestyle is about. If she finds someone she wants to play with, great, but it's not going to be us. I haven't told her this yet, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. There's just not an attraction there, even though she is a hot, beautiful woman.

The problem is she has become much more huggy-kissy with me lately.

How would you handle it?

Mrs. D

2TexasTornados · 03-28-2007, 11:57 AM

I can see why she would gravitate toward a friend she knows is OK with it, since she has never ventured there before. It's hard for vanillas or first timers to understand that just because someone swings, doesn't mean the whole world is their playground. Or at least not that everyone in the sandbox is a potential playmate. Just like those who are ignorant about homosexual men might assume that means the gay man wants EVERY other male. So not true. I'm sure that puts you in an awkward situation to have to dread the possible "I don't like you in that way" discussion. I have a best friend whom I adore, and she is thankfully straight. Because if she ever wanted more... nope. Nothing there chemistry wise.

In your situation I'd probably explain it as a not-crossing-lines thing since she's been a long time friend. Hopefully that way she'll never have to feel rejected over it.

socolais · 03-28-2007, 01:02 PM

As a swinging virgin and novice explorer in this area, perhaps I can somewhat understand your friend's perspective.

There is a possibility that she's a bit frightened by her curosity in playing and sees you as a potential trusted mentor. She may not be sexually attracted to you either. She may not be sure of her sexual preferences and wants to explore her feelings in a safe environment.

Because I'm still on this side of the fence, I can't offer reliable suggestions for your actions. But if she's thinking like I'm thinking, she's hoping that you'll help her feel comfortable with the initial encounters. Maybe try something like this - go with her and help her select a suitable player to begin her exploration. Arrange a meeting for everyone to discuss and plan the encounter. And maybe host the party.

I think for my initial encounter, I would prefer to not have a strong sexual attraction get in the way of my logical thinking. I would like it to be someone I'd normally flirt with, but not someone that would instantly cause me to adjust my trousers.

Bruce

DBL D · 03-28-2007, 02:02 PM

A lot of us can't play with someone we don't have an attraction for. Some of us can for a variety of reasons. Exploration is one of them. However you said you didn't have an attraction to this nice-looking gal. You may feel that your friendship will be diminished or threatened by acting things out with her. I think you are wise to talk more with her and find out if she is able to separate sex and love...a large key to success. Sounds like you have someone with whom you can still share things. She may need you later on for advice, etc.

You make the call...but it sounds exciting to me.

Male D

MoonLightKiss · 03-28-2007, 02:03 PM

I would probably go with 2TexasTornados' idea. Simply let her know that you care for her and she is a great friend, but that when playing with friends, sex can sometimes confuse things and cause a falling out. Explain that you value your friendship with her too much to want to see that happen. Hopefully this will keep her from feeling rejected personally, but will get her to see that playing with you is not an option. But as her friend, you can answer some questions for her, take her to a club to let her get a feel for it, and even help ease some of her nervousness by simply being present at the club. Hope it all works out for you.

MLK

DBL D · 03-28-2007, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonLightKiss

I would probably go with 2TexasTornados' idea. Simply let her know that you care for her and she is a great friend, but that when playing with friends, sex can sometimes confuse things and cause a falling out. Explain that you value your friendship with her too much to want to see that happen. Hopefully this will keep her from feeling rejected personally, but will get her to see that playing with you is not an option. But as her friend, you can answer some questions for her, take her to a club to let her get a feel for it, and even help ease some of her nervousness by simply being present at the club. Hope it all works out for you.

MLK

We must've been on the same wavelength.

M.D.

LOL_OMG · 03-28-2007, 05:02 PM

There have been some great comments, and she may be looking to you as a mentor. Heck most of us jumped in the swinger pool not knowing what to expect and it can make a big difference having a friend to help guide you.

I am curious about her intentions...do you think she's looking to have a "fling" with you? If she's looking into the swing experience I wonder where her husband stands on the issue.

iapr · 03-28-2007, 08:08 PM

I haven't read any of the other posts yet but the first thought that went through my mind is this is EXACTLY why we do not share our lifesyle choice with anyone outside of our lifestyle friends. The perceptions in the vanilla world are that swingers will screw anyone, anywhere and anytime. It is too easy for someone to find out you are a swinger and then they will try and score a piece.

I would suggest handling the situation in much the same way you would if anyone else was hitting on you and just explain that you are not interested in going there. It will need to be handled very tactfully though since you are friends and you don't want her to get pissed off and out you to the rest of the nieghborhood.

If she has an honest interest in the lifestyle maybe help direct her and mentor her in where she can pursue her own interests and maybe she will find someone else that interests her.

des1re06 · 03-29-2007, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Simply let her know that you care for her and she is a great friend, but that when playing with friends, sex can sometimes confuse things and cause a falling out.

Yes, I need to do this soon, so she understands where we stand. I'll be happy to be her mentor. Her hubby has no problem with another female in the bed (big surprise!).

They are the only couple (vanilla) that we've confided in and trust. We don't discuss our lifestyle with anyone else.

Thanks to all for your supportive words.

Mrs. D

graygo98 · 03-29-2007, 12:25 PM

One of my best friends and his wife were in the lifestyle. In fact, they were an inspiration of sorts because here they were indulging in all this "out there" sexual activity and their marriage just seemed to get stronger.

We only became involved in the lifestyle after a couple young children prompted them to take an extended break. One night over drinks (just the two of us) I commented that it was too bad that they had "retired", it would be fun to hit the clubs together. I didn't mean for the four of us to hook up, J doesn't find him particularly attractive. His reaction was an instant "That's not going to happen with you two."

If I heard that today I would have understood it to mean "We don't see getting back into it", or "We don't play with friends" or even "We aren't attracted to you in that way." Now, we would understand and accept all those responses. Then, though, I heard "Your wife isn't that attractive to me." It pissed me off.

All of this is a very long way of saying that while I think you know exactly the right message to send, be very sensitive in how you put it. She isn't going to hear your words the same way as people on this Board might.

***JustAskJulie*** · 04-22-2008, 04:34 PM

Mrs. D,

Whatever happened with this? How did you handle it? Are you still friends?

des1re06 · 05-30-2008, 10:11 AM

Sorry I didn't reply before now.

She and her hubby are getting a divorce, so we stepped back from the situation. I basically told her I was there for her, and left it at that.

Haven't heard from her.

Mrs. D

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03-28-2007, 11:34 AM	#1 (permalink)
des1re06 Great Times 1 Year Exp. Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,078 Location: East TN Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:Des1re06	Vanilla girlfriend hit on me I have a very close girlfriend (married) who is aware of our lifestyle, but I don't discuss any details with her. She just knows that we swing. Her daughter is a lesbian, so she's not a prude toward my bi-sexuality. One night recently, she and I went out (girls night out), and she let me know that she was curious about being with a woman. I love her as a friend, but am not attracted to her sexually. I discussed with hubby, and he understands what's happening. I basically left it with her that she (and her hubby) was welcome to join us when we go to clubs, and get a feel for what the lifestyle is about. If she finds someone she wants to play with, great, but it's not going to be us. I haven't told her this yet, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. There's just not an attraction there, even though she is a hot, beautiful woman. The problem is she has become much more huggy-kissy with me lately. How would you handle it? Mrs. D

03-28-2007, 11:57 AM	#2 (permalink)
2TexasTornados Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 67 Location: Texas Status: Couple	Re: Vanilla girlfriend hit on me I can see why she would gravitate toward a friend she knows is OK with it, since she has never ventured there before. It's hard for vanillas or first timers to understand that just because someone swings, doesn't mean the whole world is their playground. Or at least not that everyone in the sandbox is a potential playmate. Just like those who are ignorant about homosexual men might assume that means the gay man wants EVERY other male. So not true. I'm sure that puts you in an awkward situation to have to dread the possible "I don't like you in that way" discussion. I have a best friend whom I adore, and she is thankfully straight. Because if she ever wanted more... nope. Nothing there chemistry wise. In your situation I'd probably explain it as a not-crossing-lines thing since she's been a long time friend. Hopefully that way she'll never have to feel rejected over it.

03-28-2007, 01:02 PM	#3 (permalink)
socolais nothin special Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 1,251 Location: Dallas Status: M. Male - half of a novice swinging couple Swing Lifestyle Name:Bruce_Melissa	Re: Vanilla girlfriend hit on me As a swinging virgin and novice explorer in this area, perhaps I can somewhat understand your friend's perspective. There is a possibility that she's a bit frightened by her curosity in playing and sees you as a potential trusted mentor. She may not be sexually attracted to you either. She may not be sure of her sexual preferences and wants to explore her feelings in a safe environment. Because I'm still on this side of the fence, I can't offer reliable suggestions for your actions. But if she's thinking like I'm thinking, she's hoping that you'll help her feel comfortable with the initial encounters. Maybe try something like this - go with her and help her select a suitable player to begin her exploration. Arrange a meeting for everyone to discuss and plan the encounter. And maybe host the party. I think for my initial encounter, I would prefer to not have a strong sexual attraction get in the way of my logical thinking. I would like it to be someone I'd normally flirt with, but not someone that would instantly cause me to adjust my trousers. Bruce

03-28-2007, 02:02 PM	#4 (permalink)
DBL D Oh...Why not?... Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 2,312 Location: Northern Call-ee-forn-ee-ah Status: Married Couple	Re: Vanilla girlfriend hit on me A lot of us can't play with someone we don't have an attraction for. Some of us can for a variety of reasons. Exploration is one of them. However you said you didn't have an attraction to this nice-looking gal. You may feel that your friendship will be diminished or threatened by acting things out with her. I think you are wise to talk more with her and find out if she is able to separate sex and love...a large key to success. Sounds like you have someone with whom you can still share things. She may need you later on for advice, etc. You make the call...but it sounds exciting to me. Male D
	__________________ "Just nod if you can hear me..." David Gilmour

03-28-2007, 02:03 PM	#5 (permalink)
MoonLightKiss Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 415 Location: Kentucky Status: Couple	Re: Vanilla girlfriend hit on me I would probably go with 2TexasTornados' idea. Simply let her know that you care for her and she is a great friend, but that when playing with friends, sex can sometimes confuse things and cause a falling out. Explain that you value your friendship with her too much to want to see that happen. Hopefully this will keep her from feeling rejected personally, but will get her to see that playing with you is not an option. But as her friend, you can answer some questions for her, take her to a club to let her get a feel for it, and even help ease some of her nervousness by simply being present at the club. Hope it all works out for you. MLK
	__________________ Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. - Marianne Wilson

03-28-2007, 05:02 PM	#7 (permalink)
LOL_OMG Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,005 Location: where we're at Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:LOL_OMG	Re: Vanilla girlfriend hit on me There have been some great comments, and she may be looking to you as a mentor. Heck most of us jumped in the swinger pool not knowing what to expect and it can make a big difference having a friend to help guide you. I am curious about her intentions...do you think she's looking to have a "fling" with you? If she's looking into the swing experience I wonder where her husband stands on the issue.
	__________________ Somebody better go back and get a shitload of dimes!!!

03-28-2007, 08:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
iapr Has Left the Building Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 832 Location: State of bliss Status: couple	Re: Vanilla girlfriend hit on me I haven't read any of the other posts yet but the first thought that went through my mind is this is EXACTLY why we do not share our lifesyle choice with anyone outside of our lifestyle friends. The perceptions in the vanilla world are that swingers will screw anyone, anywhere and anytime. It is too easy for someone to find out you are a swinger and then they will try and score a piece. I would suggest handling the situation in much the same way you would if anyone else was hitting on you and just explain that you are not interested in going there. It will need to be handled very tactfully though since you are friends and you don't want her to get pissed off and out you to the rest of the nieghborhood. If she has an honest interest in the lifestyle maybe help direct her and mentor her in where she can pursue her own interests and maybe she will find someone else that interests her.

03-29-2007, 12:25 PM	#10 (permalink)
graygo98 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 395 Location: Toronto Status: Couple	Re: Vanilla girlfriend hit on me One of my best friends and his wife were in the lifestyle. In fact, they were an inspiration of sorts because here they were indulging in all this "out there" sexual activity and their marriage just seemed to get stronger. We only became involved in the lifestyle after a couple young children prompted them to take an extended break. One night over drinks (just the two of us) I commented that it was too bad that they had "retired", it would be fun to hit the clubs together. I didn't mean for the four of us to hook up, J doesn't find him particularly attractive. His reaction was an instant "That's not going to happen with you two." If I heard that today I would have understood it to mean "We don't see getting back into it", or "We don't play with friends" or even "We aren't attracted to you in that way." Now, we would understand and accept all those responses. Then, though, I heard "Your wife isn't that attractive to me." It pissed me off. All of this is a very long way of saying that while I think you know exactly the right message to send, be very sensitive in how you put it. She isn't going to hear your words the same way as people on this Board might.

04-22-2008, 04:34 PM	#11 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,289 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	Re: Vanilla girlfriend hit on me Mrs. D, Whatever happened with this? How did you handle it? Are you still friends?
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

05-30-2008, 10:11 AM	#12 (permalink)
des1re06 Great Times 1 Year Exp. Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,078 Location: East TN Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:Des1re06	Re: Vanilla girlfriend hit on me Sorry I didn't reply before now. She and her hubby are getting a divorce, so we stepped back from the situation. I basically told her I was there for her, and left it at that. Haven't heard from her. Mrs. D

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