Some questions are best unasked

[The Fuse]

This morning, someone started a thread entitled "Is your spouse the best lover ever?"

Is your spouse your best lover? ever

It made me think. Would I really want to ask Mr. Fuse that question? Of course there's only one right answer, but even the way that answer is given can be deadly. "Does he really mean it"? "That sounded defensive". "You're just being nice". "You have to say that; I'm your wife".

More generally, I think that question is a little like "Do these jeans make me look fat?", only more serious.

"Am I the best lover you've ever had"? has to be one of a definite set of dangerous questions in the swinging world. (It could be even worse if you ask "Is your playmate better than me"?) There are more things we all dread being asked. We know this class of questions by our reactions to them. Eyes get a little bit wide, sudden intake of breath, half a step backwards... adrenaline kicks in... we only think about survival.

It's like asking swingers "Do you really always use condoms"? or "Have you ever had an STD"?, or "Are we your favorite playmates"? or "Have you ever loved a playmate"? There are just some things it doesn't pay to ask.

Anyone have additions to this list, comments, or stories? I'm sure there are some doozies out there.

[rpu3]

Wow, I think you covered most of the good/relevant ones, actually.

On a more personal level, my spouse and I are kinda-sorta exploring various forms of alternative lifestyles. I guess we could be vaguely described as exploring open marriage (based on what few definitions are out there), and we occasionally swing. We do things together, we can play alone if we so choose, or we do nothing, depending on interests or time or desire.

I have no issue directly telling my spouse most anything, including I am attracted to/I like so and so, and we move on with our lives. He has not said anything about being interested in anyone else until recently. One of the questions I was dreading thinking about or asking was "Do you like her? I mean, really like her?" I have no issue telling him my thoughts, but was rather hesitant to ask him about his interest and thoughts on said interest. Obviously, I perceived it as a dangerous question (to me) for a while. Anyway, I had briefly talked to a friend about this, and talking about it was enough for me to get over myself and just ask him directly, just like I would with any other topic.

For myself only, because I am a social nimrod of sorts, I don't even want to ask questions like "do you want to get together?", "do you want to get together again?" or even, if all are together, "do you want to have sex?" Those are easy to lump under "fear of rejection", of course, but those are questions I personally lump under the same type as "do I look fat?"

[des1re06]

In our first month of swinging, a couple (we'd spent a nice evening with)asked us: "You don't plan to see anyone else do you?"

I thought that was the strangest question.

We were honest with them and told them that we did plan to meet other couples. Never heard from them again. No big surprise.

Mrs. D

[havefuninsun]

I'm a firm believer of don't ask any question you don't want an honest answer to.

I have never asked Mr. Fun if I was the best lover he has ever had. If the answer were no, it would hurt to the core. I know it would. Rational? Probably not, But emotions aren't always rational.

He has told me I'm the best lover he has ever had. But I sure as hell didn't ask.

There are a lot of questions I don't ask. I don't want to know how many lovers he has had. I think too much about stupid stuff, and I just don't want all that information clouding my thought process. He, however, has asked me, and I've been honest, and it turns him on immensely and to hear stories of my past escapades. I don't share that desire, and don't want details about his.

Men/Mars; Women/Venus issue? Possibly.

I've also been asked questions before and before I answer them, say "don't ask questions you may not like the answer to." I'll tell ya. You may not like it.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by des1re06

In our first month of swinging, a couple (we'd spent a nice evening with)asked us: "You don't plan to see anyone else do you?"

I thought that was the strangest question.

We were honest with them and told them that we did plan to meet other couples. Never heard from them again. No big surprise.

Mrs. D

After our first full swap (our first ever swap), the gentleman said to me, "Now don't you go find another couple!" I was pretty surprised, as you might imagine. We got it cleared up. That was a year and many good times ago facelick .

Tomorrow night we're having dinner with them and another couple they recently brought into our lives. I guess we touched that third rail and survived.

[clutch]

I'm not sure what the question is asking, but venturing a guess, I'd say overwhelmingly yes, we are each other's best lovers.

I qualify that by saying it's simply because our hearts, minds, beliefs, and lives are so intertwined. And being lovers, by our definition, goes far beyond our swinging sex, or even our sex with each other. The cuddling, compliments, presents, kisses, helping each other out, throughout the day is all part of the lover thing.

That being said, when we swing, we both throw ourselves into our sex with our other partners. Our goal could be defined that the last sex any of us had was the best sex of our life. Whether it wife and I had it or whether it be with other partners. In our tenure of swinging, different partners do different things, and we've learned a lot by our experiences.

There are some guys that for whatever reason, wife is very attracted to and has massive and multiple orgasms. And vice-versa. Interestingly, early on in our relationship, wife (then girlfriend) had introduced me to several very cute women (her girlfriends) who were either in open-marriages or single. And I learned a lot about loving (wife's), sharing, technique, and massively pleasurable sex.

So bottom line, we expect each other to have mind-blowing orgasms with our swing partners.

And when our weekend's done, our couple friends usually stand outside, arm-in-arm and wave, and we wave out the window as we leave for home, usually with wife's head on my shoulder.

[cubnamy1995]

OK, I just posted on the other thread:
http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...345#post272345

I know I am going to get burnt to a crisp for my response, but I couldn't agree more. Men should know better. Not just swinging men. All men. You can be honest and still answer the question in the right way. Maybe Amy just has me trained well, but I would NEVER touch that rail.

[The Fuse]

Somehow I can't edit the original post, so I'll try to clarify here. This thread is asking:

"What questions are off-limits in swinging?"

The one about being your spouse's best lover is only one of those questions.

[clutch]

Sorry, The Fuse. It was late last night and I misread your question.

To address what questions are off limits, we have a bedrock principle which seems to work for us that goes: A marriage can survive anything except dishonesty.

So all questions are kosher. And we especially talk about our swing sex and associated feelings a lot. (It usually ends up getting us hot and bothered for each other.)

Occassionally questions are such that we can't give the right answer or go to the depth that the question requires with a hip-shot answer, so I (or she) might say, "I have to think about that." And we do come back to it.

If one of us is having a bad day and asks a question that's not designed to communicate, but rather attack, the questionee will call the questioner on that and say, "Is that a real question, or just an attack?"

If it is an attack, we'll both try to figure out what's driving the anger behind it.

But as most swingers contend, swinging just doesn't work without a trusting, honest relationship.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by clutch

Sorry, The Fuse. It was late last night and I misread your question.

Not your fault . It was poorly phrased.

Originally Posted by clutch

If one of us is having a bad day and asks a question that's not designed to communicate, but rather attack, the questionee will call the questioner on that and say, "Is that a real question, or just an attack?"

If it is an attack, we'll both try to figure out what's driving the anger behind it.

That's terrific, I love it!

Anyone else ever hear (or ask) those doozies that just scream, "Why would you even ask that"? I know there are more out there.

[havefuninsun]

Those "attack" questions usually happen more at work than at home for me. Just last week I was questioned on why I chose the order of tasks to do that I did. The question was, "don't you think this was more important to do than that at this time of day?" I just stared at my boss and said, "I have no idea how to answer that question, especially because no harm came from the order I chose to do those tasks."

Can you tell I work for a micro-manager??

Like I said before, it's not that I can't ask questions and get honest answers about anything from Mr. Fun, because I can. No question. There are some things I choose NOT to ask about, because there is no way for Mr. Fun to answer the question without me feeling some sort of hurt. I don't need to know every little, tiny, morsel about Mr. Fun's past. I don't want to dwell on insignificant things that have nothing to do with the here and now. I don't NEED to know such things as the total of partners he's had, for example. I don't care. And those things just make me take time to analyze and frankly, it's not important.

I don't want to ask any question (intentionally) that would scream "why would you ask that?"

[daisy girl]

Three couples?? Hmmm...sounds like the Fuse has the makings of an orgy .

[meandher2go]

we dont think any question is off limits, just dont get upset when we answer brutally honest.

[JustAskJulie]

I think it's just as important for the person asking the question to think before they ask.... and realize that maybe they would have been better off not asking. Ask yourself, do I really want to know the answer to that?

Another good one..."how many sexual partners have you had?" or even to another swinging couple "how many couple have you played with?".

[lustylearning]

"Who are you going out with?" is a question we've been asked by another couple.