Separate rooms again..with a twist

[lovinher]

I was going to post this in the same/separate rooms thread going on but I thought it might be more appropraite as another thread.

Many seem to have the opinion that same room only couples have issues regarding "letting" their SO be alone. Here is a twist on the subject that I have pondered for a while. I do not mean to insult anybody and I am not suggesting that all separate room couples have issues but here goes....

I personally think that many couples that swing ONLY in separate rooms have issues of their own. Could it be that they are only comfortable without their SO and if so, Why? Can they only have a good time and let loose if their SO isn't there, again, why?. They don't want distractions...what does that mean? If you cant be comfortable with your SO there then maybe they should examine why. Many say these things without really explaining. To me if you can't be yourself in the same room as your SO says something. So to those that are separate rooms only, tell us why in detail. Explain distractions. Explain why you can only be yourself only when alone. Explain to us why it let's you try other things you wouldn't do with your SO. Now to me, THAT is an issue. Maybe I'm missing something.

[bncforfun]

I know that when it comes to us there are a couple of reasons that we will only play in the same room.

1) We prefer to be there to watch and listen to the pleasure that our s/o is getting and giving with their partner for the evening.

2) We also feel like this an activity that we do together. So, if we are in separate rooms we don't feel together even though both of us know what is going on in the other room.

We don't think that separate room is wrong, but it isn't the right choice for us. We honestly prefer same bed along with same room. It adds to the possibilities for the ladies involved.

[lovinher]

I don't feel that separate rooms is wrong either. But there are couples that do separate rooms only. I would like to hear why people can let loose, be more comfortable and do things they wouldnt do with their SO when alone. I can't think of ANY activity I would do alone with a swing partner that I would not do my wife. I'm not going hold back because my wife is there. Why would someone do that? Some post these reasons without really looking at or explaining why.

[JustAskJulie]

I don't think that either choice is necessarily a sign that there are issues... but either choice could be. For my ex and I he liked watching me SO much that he often would ignore the woman he was supposed to be playing with, so for her to really enjoy things we needed to be in seperate rooms...but on the other hand he obviously preferred same room because he enjoyed watching me.

[mrs good times]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I don't feel that separate rooms is wrong either. But there are couples that do separate rooms only. I would like to hear why people can let loose, be more comfortable and do things they wouldn't do with their SO when alone. I can't think of ANY activity I would do alone with a swing partner that I would not do my wife. I'm not going hold back because my wife is there. Why would someone do that? Some post these reasons without really looking at or explaining why.

We do both but in some instances I prefer separate rooms. Mr. GT alluded to in the other thread that there are things I can do with a swing partner that he and I can't do together and I get the impression this is the post you are referring too so I'll try to explain.

Since we began the lifestyle I have found that I enjoy mild domination. I am still learning but I have found a couple of partners that are helping me explore this fantasy. Mr. GT is not turned on by it at all and has no interest in experimenting with it. Therefore I would not be able to completely release myself into the fantasy if I knew he was watching and wasn't enjoying it. So, separate rooms with people that we trust implicitly has worked for us. The lifestyle has given me an opportunity to find out something about myself that I may never have learned other wise and I am taking advantage of it.

As far as distractions are concerned I can name a few, different rhythm on the same bed can make orgasm difficult, being kneed in the eye by another partner during position change (this really happened once ), performance times being different resulting in one couple talking while the other is still playing. These are all insignificant to us when making the decision whether or not to play in separate rooms but they are things that happen.

Even when we play in separate rooms we still share everything that has taken place afterwards so we are still "doing this together".

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I personally think that many couples that swing ONLY in separate rooms have issues of their own.

Your thread and the questions that follow all hinge on this statement.

I've NEVER seen a profile or met a couple who ONLY swings in separate rooms.

If you're directing your questions to this specific type of couple you may have a hard time finding a couple like this who can reply to this thread.

How many profiles have you come across with this stipulation? I'd like to read them. If you are members of SLS, PM me and point out some profiles, I can look them up. I'm curious.

Most people who are comfortable playing in separate rooms, like we are, most often play in the same room, like we do.

LM

[WesternSwing]

I agree with LikeMinds. I don't think I've ever seen many "separate room only" couples. The majority is "same room only". And then there are couples like us that either way is good. Sometimes one of us doesn't feel like playing at a party and we're okay with the other going and playing with someone alone. Sometimes we do separate rooms when both playing. Why? Can't really say. Sometimes it is nice to be able to fully concentrate on my partner because I am one of those voyeurs and I really like to watch Mrs. WS do her stuff. If I'm with a partner that likes to watch also... then not a whole lot happens between us.

I don't think there are any issues either way. It's just how some couples roll. Same room/separate room. Neither is a red flag for us when we are looking for a couple to play with. We do it both ways so we're flexible with them.

Now there have been some "same room only" couples that have suggested separate rooms for their first time when playing with us because they say they feel so comfortable with us. We take that as a total compliment.

Mr. WS

[good times]

Dito with what JustAskJulie and mrs good times said.

I have to be honest and say that for me the main reason I prefer separate rooms or at least separate beds has less to do with me than it has to do with some of the "same room only" couples we have been with. We are not voyeurs or exhibitionists, we are into this for the sexual variety, so for us when we play with a couple who has as their main attraction watching each other, it just isn't any fun for us. The problem is we have had this problem with well over half of the couples we have played same room with. If this is what you refer to as, "issues" then yep, I have them.

It is funny, I used to think that I sometimes had performance issues while swinging, It turns out that I really don't. When I am having sex with someone I give them my undivided attention, I expect the same from them. What I have learned about myself is that if I am having sex with a woman and I see that she is not paying any attention to me but instead is just concentrating on what her husband is doing, it is a total turn-off to me. At that point I lose all interest in the woman sexually, and now days we will just make our polite excuses and leave. Keep in mind that I don't in any way think what these couples is doing is wrong, they are just not compatible with us. If they were to hook up with another couple with the same interest, I doubt that their would be a problem.

As far as being able to let loose or do things we wouldn't do if playing same room in separate rooms is concerned, my feelings on that are that it is true and would be for most people. This is not because their are things that I wouldn't do in front of my wife that I would away from her, it is actually because the atmosphere and dynamics of the sexual situation is different with one-on-one sex than it is with four people in a pile. Whether one wants to admit it or not their are a lot of distractions and interruptions when four people are playing versus two. Some people enjoy the big pile others are not as enthused about it, we lean more towards the later opinion of it most of the time. Additionally, their are very few people who have sex at the same exact pace. Their have been times when I got done with my partner before my wife got done with hers, more often it is the other way around. So often when we are playing "same room" I feel a lot of pressure to hurry up and get done, whereas, when playing separate rooms, their is no pressure, so you are free to relax and go at your own pace.

In the end I have to agree with Julie, different strokes for different folks, some people like same room, some prefer separate room for equally valid reasons. Just because someone prefers one over the other doesn't automatically mean they have issues though. That being said, we do both about equally, and while I am sure it is not always true, all the people we have played with so far that turned out to have serious issues were "same room only" couples.

[Alura]

When we first started playing, we did separate rooms because we thought that was the way it was done.

Our first long-term playful friends planned our initial play-date at their house. They decorated beautifully with a fire in the fire-place and separate candle-lit bedrooms. It turned out to be very positive because we got to know (sexually) our swing-partners better in the beginning.

We started out making out in front of the fireplace, consumated the friendships in separate bedrooms and returned to the den for wine and Round Two as a foursome.

I have to say, though, that it's most exciting to be kissing, petting and slowly removing a new lady's clothes while sneaking a peek from time to time at Mrs. Alura and the lady's husband doing the same. When they stood and walked hand-in-hand to a bedroom, shedding the last of their clothing as they went, I knew we had entered the lifestyle.

Later, on the floor of the den, I had a perfect view through Mrs. Playmate's raised thighs of Mrs. Alura kissing Mrs. Playmate's left breast while Mr. Playmate worked on the other, pausing at times to kiss each other. Hot, hot, hot!

I'd hate to have to choose between the two scenes.

Mr. Alura

[cpl2doitwithu]

Originally Posted by bncforfun

I know that when it comes to us there are a couple of reasons that we will only play in the same room.

1) We prefer to be there to watch and listen to the pleasure that our s/o is getting and giving with their partner for the evening.

2) We also feel like this an activity that we do together. So, if we are in separate rooms we don't feel together even though both of us know what is going on in the other room.

We don't think that separate room is wrong, but it isn't the right choice for us. We honestly prefer same bed along with same room. It adds to the possibilities for the ladies involved.

Dito

Could not have explained US any better!

[sexcupid]

Right now, we are a separate room only couple...please check us out on SLS..the user name is the same...sexcupid.

Now, not to say that stipulation can't or won't be bent for the right situation...but that is our preference right now.

I prefer the separate room play (we've only had 1 full swap, please see my thread on that, and it wasn't a bad experience til the end but i will still stand by my comfort level of being in separate rooms)....having another couple in the room having sex is distracting to me; catching the motion in the periferal, the sounds, and i'm not even sure about having 4 people bouncing around on the same bed. It's just distracting to me and if i'm distracted, i'm never going to have an orgasm.

Now, for the exhibitionism some one (I'm sorry, I think it was Mr. GT earlier in the thread) mentioned. We were at an on-premise club about a week ago. It was alot of fun. It was a slow night, not a huge crowd, so we just checked the place out and went to play with each other. We left the door to the play room open most of the time and the second time we were in the play area, we were in the same room with another couple. That to me is exhibitionism. You are watching me and my boyfriend having sex and we're getting off on it (and with any luck you are too...*lol*). And I like the thought of putting on a show with him for other people...but oddly enough, do not like the thought very much of putting on a show while playing with another partner. Maybe that train of thought bears more pondering, but right now that is not my bag baby.

Ok, this is getting kind of longish...hopefully I answered the OP's questions.

Maria

[Ellcie]

(We swing both ways, but at this time, I prefer separate)
I agree with Goodtimes in all the points made in the post above...very well put...DITTO
and I will add.......it is not that I would do things without my spouse there, that I would not do in front of him.....that's not it. I do not 'let loose' in the 'things' that I do. The actions I do would be the same with his presence or not. The differerence is the HEAT felt by me and my partner, that comes from one on one.....that comes from intense focus on one another without distraction. Perhaps you have never tried it, and can therefore, not relate. It's the difference between just f**king (period).......and being so totally overwhelmed by the passion and heat.....that it intoxicates you.
Literally, makes you slur words (I've had that happen) and feel whoozy. It takes an amazing match for that to happen.....rare....but unlike anything else.
So it's more like....separate room is to get to that level (and some may not be able to/or want to get there)....but it is NOT a way of getting away from my spouse. No 'issues' exist with us. I just rather make the most of a fantastic situation

[lovinher]

Some very good responses, especially yours Ellcie, thank you.
Perhaps your right but I'm not looking to make love. That is saved for lovinhim. This is one of our boundaries and I respect others opinions on the subject.
I may have ruffled a few feathers and that was my intent. Call it a rant. Sometimes I have too much time on my hands. I'm supposed to be working right now and I'm trying to blow through this and get my point across and I'm sure I will screw something up.

There have been numerous threads on the subject and it is getting rather old.
The reason I posted is that it seems couples that will do same room only are put on the defensive here sometimes. I wanted to turn the table so to speak.
Most couples have their limits. Wether it is same room, no anal or no farm animals. There is no right or wrong (except kids). Think about soft swap only couples. How could anybody say they have issues because of their limits? The general population does not swing at all. So where does the vanilla world fall? Does 98% of the population have issues? How about the no kissing rule? I mean come on, they still swing! They do more than the norm. I don't consider that an issue at all, I give them credit for going a step farther than what is considered normal in our society.
So who is to say somebody has issues because they have limits?
I am not singling out anybodies post in this thread or the other thread on the same subject going on right now but it has been said many times. Maybe I should not have connected this rant to any specific thread.

When we first started looking into expanding our sex life I was struck at how some are viewed because of their boundaries. At the time we had more than we do now but we were almost scared off because we thought we would be viewed as a couple with issues. The seemingly all or nothing attitude by some. I thought Jesus Chris we do want to play with other people but to some that wasn't good enough. In some threads I would not post at all or edit what I really wanted to say because I thought I'd get slammed for expressing our limits. That being said, I can't imagine going farther into the swinging world without this forum. The different opinions, especially the ones I don't agree with (or didn't at the time) have been invaluable. I have also found my boundaries or limits evolving the more I read here.

I'm sure many same room couples do have issues that suggest that they should not be swinging at all. On the flip side, I'm sure there are many separate room couples that are just bored with their spouse. That is an issue in my book and I'd be willing to bet that it more common than many believe. Who is going to post that their spouse does nothing for them? But nobody should assume anything because of their limits or lack of them.

I'm done, back to work.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Right now, we are a separate room only couple...please check us out on SLS..the user name is the same...sexcupid.

Maria

Thanks Maria. I checked out your profile. I did get the feeling that you are open to same room, but prefer separate. You seem like a very flexible couple and willing to consider what will work best for all involved.

LM

[good times]

Originally Posted by lovinher

Some very good responses, especially yours Ellcie, thank you.
Perhaps your right but I'm not looking to make love. That is saved for lovinhim.

I wouldn't assume that just because the sex is hot and passionate that it is "making love". I can't speak for Ellcie, but I can totally relate to what she is saying, and for us at least, it has nothing to do with making love. We too reserve that for only the two of us. Maybe reserve is the wrong word, we don't think it is possible to "make love" to anyone else because, frankly, we don't love them. Hot passionate sex without any outside distractions is totally different to me than "making love" to my wife. And like Ellcie, I too have found that separate room sex sometimes results in some mind blowing passionate sex that just isn't possible in a group of four people or more. Is it for everybody? probably not, but it works for us. Sure we still enjoy the same room sex, it is all about the variety after all, but like Alura said above, "I'd hate to have to choose between the two scenes."