How prevalant are teasers?

[arvcpl]

Hi everybody. First time poster, long time lurker here. We are still pretty new to all of this and are still trying to figure things out. We have a question about teasers. We have gone out a few different times with a couple to clubs and swinger parties and really like them and they appear to like us. During the evening they will both really come on to us and each of them will tell both of us in graphic detail all the things they want to do with us but then they will pull a disappearing act at some point during the evening. When we try and schedule a private meeting with them they will either say they are to busy and have also said that they do not want to meet for an encounter outside of a party because it seems cheap to meet for sex. We have come to the conclusion that they are just teasers and they like to get people all hot and bothered and then go home. We would be ok with that if they would just come out and tell us that is what they are doing. Instead it is just frustrating and annoying us because we are in this for sex. So my question is how common is this in swinging and more importantly how do you spot teasers and fakes before investing too much effort into them?

[M and H]

Is this about ONE couple you've gone to swingers clubs and private parties with a number of times, or is this a general complaint about people you've met at swingers clubs & private parties?

Have you ever asked this/these couple/couples what kind of swingers they are (full swap, soft swap, voyeurs, etc)?

M (of M&H)

[iapr]

Sounds like this couple may just be playing you a bit.

[arvcpl]

Originally Posted by M and H

Is this about ONE couple you've gone to swingers clubs and private parties with a number of times, or is this a general complaint about people you've met at swingers clubs & private parties?

Have you ever asked this/these couple/couples what kind of swingers they are (full swap, soft swap, voyeurs, etc)?

M (of M&H)

This is in reference to one couple we have gone out with a number of times. They list themselves as full swap but they have never admitted or alluded to actually ever being with anyone. I am sure if we were to ask them they would say they full swap. When we have been out they have told us in no uncertain terms all the things they want to do with us but anytime we try to make it happen they come up with reasons they can't at that time. One time they even bailed on us at the club. We turned around and they were gone no good bys or nothing. The next time same thing they would get hot and heavy and tell us how much they wanted us then the next thing we know they are leaving. When we have asked them to get together for a play date they say that that feels cheap to meet for sex. We have came to the conclusion that they just like to tease and get people worked up becuse that works them up and then they go home to sex with thereselves. If they didn't like us or find us attractive they would just not have anything to do with us so I don't think it is that. We know we are not going to get anywhere with them and are not ever going to play with them. What my question is is this common in the lifestyle and how to you spot these people sooner so you don't invest so much time and emotion in them only to be let down?

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by arvcpl

So my question is how common is this in swinging and more importantly how do you spot teasers and fakes before investing too much effort into them?

We have never experienced what you described. Something similar has happened. We developed a very quick acquaintanceship with two very attractive people, had a couple of meetings for some very wild sex, then never heard from them again -- they nether called again nor answered our calls. We have learned to expect the unexpected, enjoy the good times and the good people who come into our lives. To offer some encouragement, nobody has ever tried to do anything really hurtful.

Michael

[JustAskJulie]

It's been quite a while since this was posted but I thought I'd bump it and see if anything had ever changed with this couple?

My thought reading it was that maybe it wasn't that they were teasing but that they didn't know how to move things to the next level and were waiting on you to initiate... grab their hand and take them to the bed.

[pervgeeks]

A couple would do that to us ONCE and then that would be pretty much it. Life is too short and there are too many people out there to waste any time on fakers and posers. The closest thing we've had to an experience like that was about six months ago, we went to a hotel party and had been emailing a little with two couples on Swing Lifestyle (they happened to be friends with each other also). When we were there, the men of both couples were very friendly, but the women seemed to either have no idea who we were and seemed, well, kind of drunk and clueless in general. The women just seemed a little too stuck on themselves. We're a friendly, smart couple that's attractive with no shortage of interested partners. The amount of time we wasted on these lunkheads after that was zero. I have no idea what their deal was, but didn't really care to either. We found out after the fact that one of the couples has a no kissing rule too. Not to be judgmental (yes I know this is somewhat, but they were rude), but a swinger who doesn't even kiss is certainly NOT what we'd want.

[tribbles]

We tell people up front when we are not playing with others. NYE we did that. We talked with a few people and told them as fast as it seemed possible that it was Our Night Together.

We also do it quite a bit in summer at pool parties.

[sexcupid]

Well my take on the OP was that the couple in question would like to think they are open for full swap...but when the opportunity to do so presents itself, they turn tail and run.

The comment about setting up a playdate outside of a party feeling 'cheap' says to me that they need to advertise more truthfully that they are either just voyeurs, very soft swap/same room sex, or need to basically 'be dated' before there is a chance of sex. My interpretation is that that couple is sort of rationalizing that if they are at an actual party and something gets 'out of hand' then it's because they are in a party atmosphere, sometimes these things happen...blah blah blah. Whereas specifically setting up a date/time to meet to have sex feels more impersonal and more booty-call-like.

We haven't really encountered folks like this yet...but would think that it would fall into the realm of fantasy being better than reality for them. Fantasy to be uninhibited, wild, free, etc...reality of 'omg...we're actually going to have sex with other people'...and they may not be able to breach that chasm.

If we know up front you don't want to play on the first date/meet up...that's fine...but what the OP described was different than that. I would eventually confront them on their behavior in as nice a way as possible. As in "I'm a little confused, things seem to be going well and then we turn around and we're left by ourselves. It's ok if you aren't comfortable actually playing, but if you just disappear we feel like we've done something wrong."

[Pensacolapair]

Originally Posted by arvcpl

So my question is how common is this in swinging and more importantly how do you spot teasers and fakes before investing too much effort into them?

'Teasing' is a type of play in itself.. and a suprising number of people are into it. Simply put, on the 'level of activity' ladder, it's the rung between 'watch-us-play-watch-you-play and voyuerism-only. Since it's not our 'thing' we can only speculate as to the motivation..the idea that 'they want us' is possibly enough for the 'Teasers', possibly a sexual ego-trip, or it could be kinda like flying really close to the flame. Just as possibly it might be seen as a way around many other issues (STDs, emotional issues, etc).

As we are 'Whatever floats your boat' people for the most part, we don't see anything wrong with that being someone's 'thing' - to a point. And that point is the same point that we have about anyone's 'thing': Let other folks know that it's your thing upfront, so that they can make an informed decision as to whether or not it's something they are interested in participating in.

The answers to why many 'teasers' don't reveal their 'thing' are probably the same two reasons that some other Lifestylers are less than upfront about their 'thing':
a) They feel that it will greatly decrease the field of interested playmates (They are right, but don't other people have the right to pass on
things that they aren't interested in?)

b) They get an even bigger thrill from getting others to do something
they ordinarily wouldn't be into (This is "try it, you'll like it's" evil twin!)

In this particular case, we doubt it's a case of them not knowing how to 'take it to the next level'. They disappear before things can be steered to the playroom at the club, and invitations to meet privately elsewhere were deflected with 'meeting for sex is cheap'. For us, we would pull the WTF? lever and move on. As far as 'spotting' similar situations in the future, it's a matter of experience and developing a tolerance level - how long you will dance before you decide it's not really your kind of song. We have passed on couples that we concluded were playing a tune we were not interested in only to find out later that they were unsure of what they wanted, overly cautious, etc, etc.... and that's just fine with us - if it don't fit, don't force it!