Who sets the pace in your relationship for how fast you move in swinging

[JustAskJulie]

If you are just getting started swinging (or for those more experienced think back to when you were) who has been responsible for setting the pace and why? Is it the male or the female? And a follow up to that, who's idea was it to swing in the first place?

[VanHlebar]

For MrsVan and I it has generally been me that has set the pace. It was MrsVan's idea if you will to start in the Lifestyle. I had had a few experiences with my 1st wife and they were really bad to say the least. I am sure I have posted about them previously so I will not rehash them here again, but let's just say I was allowed to watch and that was about it.

Once MrsVan brought the idea up about a MFM 3some I ran with it. I had thoughts about the Lifestyle before and since she said she was ready I was also ready to go. At first she was only intrested in allowing the MFM 3somes and nothing else. She was not going to allow me to play with woman at all and at the time she had no desire to be with woman. Well after reading the board here for several months she finally realized that this should be a joint effort if you will and she admitted that a 4some might not be a bad thing.

Once we finally found our first couple that we were comfortable with, I called "stop" a number of times early on. Many times it was right in the middle, when everyone was naked and everyone was playing, sadly enough. Luckily for us, this first couple was very patient with us and they understood and knew that we were very new to the LifeStyle.

Even after those first few experiences, this couple really pushed our boundaries, never in a way that we felt uncomfortable, but always seeing how far we would go. It was alot of fun while it lasted and we learned so much from them. MrsVan has always been very comfortable with playing situations and very few things have made her want to slow down. Me on the other hand, I have had to go slowly and really feel comfortable with a couple before I could agree to anything new.

Hope that helps.

-Van

[flkeyscouple]

We moved at an agreed upon pace - not necessarily verbally agreed, but we seem to be able to sense things between each other. As Roger has said, we have been together so long that it's hard to tell where his thoughts end and mine begin. I don't think either one of us controlled the pace - it was mutual.

As to who's idea it was to swing in the first place.... we can't really remember. Again it seemed like it was a mutual decision. We started slowly - exhibitionism and voyeurism - then fantasized about that for a few years. Then we moved on and started swinging. We talked about it so much during our fantasies that we don't really know who first brought it up. We consider it a mutual decision!

Sarah

[SouthBond]

With all the play couples in our group, it has been the men that initiated the movement towards swinging. Porno movies have been the motivating force and education tool. First porno movies in our bedroom, then discussing having sex with someone else, then agreeing to seek out other couples for sex, then sharing the porno movies with the other husbands, then watching the porno movies with the other couples, and then having our own real live porno movie. All of our wives were/are career women that/have had good jobs. They are considered upstanding people in the community just like the husbands. However, we are not sexually dead like many of our friends. We saw a need, we took the action, we created a program that works great. We seem to enjoy the best of both the straight world and the world of erotic pleasures. With all that said, the women are the ones that say yes or no. We present the idea, we encourage, we motivate, we train but they are the ones with the power to control whether we do or not. At this point the ladies have an equal share in deciding who, what, when and where. Lucky for the guys, they love swinging.

[MoonLightKiss]

For us, it was me, the Mrs. that brought up the idea. I was so afraid the Mr. would think "freak" or be insulted that I was shaking like a leaf. So I tried to talk slowly, and answer questions, but the more I talked the more nervous I got so the faster I talked. He originally said "hell no." And of course I dropped it completely and went on with life normally. Then he comes back to me a few days later with a "well...let's do some research into it, see what it is all about, maybe find some people who have been here done this, get some feedback, and discuss the why you brought it up." My response was "sure as long as we answer the why you brought it back up." Hence our locating this wonderful site chock full of great info. So that answers the second question I suppose. We moved at his pace more than mine. I was ready to jump in feet first, He wanted to move slower. And looking back, he was right. Jumping in head first might have ended up with one of us hitting our head on the bottom of the pool and getting a really bad headache.

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

If you are just getting started swinging (or for those more experienced think back to when you were) who has been responsible for setting the pace and why? Is it the male or the female? And a follow up to that, who's idea was it to swing in the first place?

We are relatively newbies in that we've had a handful of experiences, mostly good, a couple of bad ones, but overall, enough to keep us interested in swinging should the opportunity arise.

It was my idea in the first place. I had mentioned within the first year of marriage, and we'd vaguely discuss it over the years. In 2004, after his 90th refusal to go to Hedo, he did agree to go to Desire in Cancun. Had a lot of fun, met a group that we still see yearly, and that group did a lot of soft play only. After returning, we decided to give swinging a try. Ended up taking a 1.5 year break after our first experience which turned into a stalking situation. But our return in May 06 has been mostly positive.

I think the meetings and pace setting is up to me for the time being, with him having veto rights if I'm missing some clue by four.

[LikeMinds321]

I was the one who brought up swinging.

I think we are particularly fortunate that Mr LM and I have always moved at the same pace.

LM

[Mr.T]

Pace is an issue we're still working on.Mrs. is very outgoing and tends to jump right in on new things.I however am quite reserved,only opening up after I get comfortable with the situation.This has caused a little tension,but like any strong couple,we work thru it.

[confunktion]

The Mrs. disclosing her bisexuality led us into the lifestyle together. She expressed an interest in getting with a woman again (she had experience prior to me), I expressed my support for that idea, and we moved on together from there. Total partnership.

Mr. Funk
You should see the terms of the contract...

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

If you are just getting started swinging (or for those more experienced think back to when you were) who has been responsible for setting the pace and why? Is it the male or the female? And a follow up to that, who's idea was it to swing in the first place?

In our relationship, I think it's been a mutually agreed upon pace. We literally talk about things until we're tired of talking about it. I'm sure he gets tired of hearing me ramble with my thoughts and then he talks about his, but together, we're moving as one.

Mr. LFM was the one with the bright idea of swinging in the first place.

He almost gave me a stroke when he brought it up, flamethrow (we were in the middle of sex and he blurted out that he'd joined a swingers site!) but after MANY long talks, many talks with others in the lifestyle, this forum, and other areas of information -- we're having the time of our life!!

[Mr. Truelove]

I brought up the possibility of swinging to Mrs. Truelove. But it seems like ever since I did, I've been holding on to the reigns for dear life.

I think at this point I am more hesistant one, but we've both worn those shoes. I think there has been hesitation by both of us.

I think after our first experience is done, and Mrs. Truelove and I have had time to talk, I'll probably feel much more comfortable.

Mr. Truelove

[WesternSwing]

Mrs. WS dives head first into the deep end with everything she does and I'm a bit more cautious, so for us I was setting the pace for about the first year. Since then we've pretty much been on the same level.

Mr. WS

[Chicup]

Some day I'd love to see a personality study on the women who brought up swinging vrs the women who's husbands brought it up, (and likewise for the men).

I've never checked, but I think as a rule we get along better with couples who had the man suggest it like I did, as a couple personality wise.

[oddcouple2841]

Mr. Oddcouple always wanted to try it but never got a chance. I'm the only one out of his other relationships that would even think about it, let alone agree to it. I brought up the idea to him and he agreed but only as a couple. I'm the one who jumps right in and he's the more reserve one. Sometimes he thinks he's the "anchor" holding us back(which I don't think that's the case)but I know why he does it.

We met our first couple and enjoyed ourselves. It was a meet and greet. They didn't ask us back to their house because they don't play on the first meet, but all of us agreed that we would meet up again after Thanksgiving..


Mrs. Oddcouple

[Pepper & Drew]

It's funny because we can't really pinpoint whose idea swinging was to begin with, but I think I'm a little "faster" than Drew. My momma always said those fast girls were trouble

Pepper