Give it a break, re-evaluate or forget it altogether

[Nicepairinct]

Okay. This could be a long one. I'll try to be brief and concise...
Married over 10 years. Happily, kids, house etc. Great sex life. I've joked on occasion about other people, adult parties etc. Got giggles, laughs etc. We do watch adult films. Noticed she did get excited on multiple partners or girl/girl scenes etc. more or it could just be me. Went down south a few years ago for an event. Romantic dinner, decided after some coaxing to check out the local "lifestyles" club. She agreed but said if she felt uncomfortable we could leave. I agreed. Sat outside of club, saw some of the people going in. Many single men that night. I agreed that we could watch outside and then I decided to just leave out of respect in case she was nervous. Went to a classy stip club in FL. She had a great time. Had great sex at hotel. Shot photos.

Never said much more about it except usual kidding around, hinting etc. without being a pain. Eventually, after being on voyeurweb and looking at various photos etc. I checked to see if she ever viewed them. She did and sometimes the girl/girl. I approached a swinger site and looked up a few parties etc. and said "Oh, Hawaiin night, we could go and get a few shirts for the party" She really laughed and during regular conversation's about the type of people (stereotypical 70's look) she showed curiosity. Short story long. We finally decided to go to one. Hotel party with two rooms. One with dance floor and DJ and bar, other was just tables along walls. Some food. Started drinking and meeting others but staying together.

Eventually, a couple we met online through a swingsite showed up out of nowhere. Wife wasn't attracted to her due to her being a bit "overzealous" ie. kid in a candy store. Talked to others and eventually, after drinking, flirting with bartender (woman), we closed the place. Saw a few couples really fucking and other's helping them along and sucking breasts etc. We were amazed that we could actually view this. Hosts stated it shouldn't have happened at the party. Roomw were provided. We did go to one twice to see what was going on. Too dark. haha. Ended up showing her panties to remaining few couples there near the bar (regulars), sucking a woman's breast with me (after asking the woman if it's okay) and doing some body shots. Had a great night and my sometime's conservative wife on the outside was hot and horny as hell. Great sex.

Kept up with chatting with pic traders etc. through an online free site. Got into talking with some, met up with one couple for drinks and that's it. Wasn't really attracted to them as I wasn't either but had fun trading and joking around. At one point, she chatted with husband and he questioned our involvement and she stated, not sure yet never done this before. Went to another party, they met us there. Ended up flirting with a few guys and one hung out for a bit with us. Dumb me invited him back to "OUR" room (both couples decided to share, drank some before going back to party). We all just hung out,drank some and she was sitting with that guy on our bed. Other couple was just hanging out. He must have said something and she said she wasn't interested or couldn't do this (her/him/me etc.). He ended up with that other couple (unknown if that was planned for them either). Wife and I watched from other side of room and she said it was hot to watch. Well, the other wife came over to us when guy left and I said she was dying to kiss my wife, they did. We all got naked and women went down on each other etc. Big orgasm (remember that) some touching buy other husband and her to him and eventually wife sat on me to make me come. Too much drinking and I couldn't come so other wife gave me hand job/blow job after asking my wife if it's okay. Well, we left in early am. hungover like hell.

Discussed this and she was concerned that at one point while she was being eaten by the woman, I entered the other women very briefly. She was upset some but we got through it. Agreed communication could have been much better. Eventually went to another party with better knowledge and met a couple there that we chatted with online. Guy is large, built but put on weight. Nice guy. Wife is younger, attractive and slender. Hung out with them and other couples most of the night. WIfe danced with that woman and at one point, started making out on the floor. She was having a blast with all the people we met in our little group in the corner. Sat on hubby's lap and talked about sex etc. Don't think she was attracted to him too much but was a nice guy. He asked to borrow our room in the hotel, we said we'll follow them down. Watched them fool around and eventually, wife and his wife were lying on one bed kissing and fondling. My wife was just finishing her "friend" so I think the other knew that or they discussed that. I began to go down on the other wife, hubby was on other bed, my wife went down on her and fingered her. (other wife was curious as my wife was and first experience) My wife seemed to be getting into it. Switched around some and I leaned othe wife over bed and began to go down on her. I hinted to my wife to "go down" on hubby in other bed and she agreed. Well, it all ended up with her kissing hugging other wife while I helped make othe wife come and come hard. My wife jumped on top of me and we made love next to the couple. They had to leave (babysitter at home with kids) we exchanged goodbye's and some laughter and they left. We woke up and went home. Never discussed it much but chatted with them briefly on the phone the next morning. No regrets. Decided we could get together again someday for fun, friendship, kids etc.

Now, during process of deciding if my wife is "programmed" for that, I was trading photo's with a few people. She knew this but some were more explicit and some video of that one night with first couple. Well, she found out and was mortified and insisted we stop etc. trust etc. (I think she grouped both situations into one, ie. photo trading and swinging) I agreed and haven't since. She said she's done with the parties, etc. and I agreed out of shame. After saying nothing about it and knowing what I did was wrong, we've joked about allowing pics again between us. At the same time, we chatted some about the "lifestyle". She said she wasn't programmed to do that and at one point during lovemaking shortly before last couple we fooled around with, she seemed concerned about the other wife because (I think) she thinks the other wife is hot and I'd be chatting with her online while she's at work. Farthest from the truth. During this whole process, I've always stated I enjoyed HER being pleasured and having fun. THAT is my major turn-on to see HER having fun, girl/girl etc. Well, we haven't contacted eithe couple and she did say about the first couple is that she found it repulsive to say it was a turnoff (even said she faked the orgasm when eaten/vibed by the other wife) Geez, you wouldn't know it based on her laughs, smiles and the way she ate that wife out.

So, short story long...I think I've given her all the room and the whole thing a break, we do use the two guy, two cocks thing in the bedroom as fun and I say how much it turns me on to imagine a woman eating her. I think she's curious still but the experience was too rushed or we didn't go about it the right way. We needed more communication.

My question is that based on her experience and action's she was into it as I was. We agreed that we both loved the flirting touching etc. and when I brought home a movie the other day about a couple that tries a threesome with another woman, she watched it with attention and we somehow had great sex. Could she still have reservation's about trying this in the future but would be willing to try it a different way ie. just going to parties to flirt etc. touch, dance, kiss but go home/room together only? Should I forget it altogether. My gut feeling is that she was initially turned off by that one couple, second couple wasnt that bad but the picture trade thing with another couple went too far and she bunched that situation into the lifestyle situation and canned them both. Your honest thoughts opinions and questions about this situation...We're very happy together and the experience was fun regardless and we both know that. She did say she did it to make me happy but I sure wouldn't do it once, twice etc. to make her happy if I did't want to do it the least bit...

[getnit2gethr]

I don't think you're that much different from alot of people. We began experimenting sexually with others around a year ago. She often goes through phases where she worries I'm losing interest in her. Of course that couldn't be further from the truth in my case either. When this happens we slow down a bit. We spend more time alone until she starts to feel ok again and we can try again. I think of it as an exercise. We're training ourselves to be more open sexually. It's a learning process and there is no hurry. I admit I sometimes forget that last part (I'm learning too). My advice is to keep talking about the lifestyle but at the same time be romantic outside of it. Make her special. I wish you luck.

[Nicepairinct]

Good advice. I don't know how to approach it sometimes. I think we'd be more into it or at least her if the first experience was very nice!...I think the second experience was better and she may have been more into the other wife too. I think her feeling's of esteem regarding the attractiveness of the other wife is understandable. I respect that completely. I'm more into the lifestyle to see her have a good time if she chooses. I guess I'll have to play it really slow. I don't know if she would ever bring it up again because she is the type to keep it to herself and keep me guessing...I love her either way. Would you say that she isn't completely against it if she went to three parties and had two experiences? They weren't as though we were disgusted and walked out or she felt like she had to stop right there. There was no instance where she pulled away from the action and looked as though she wanted to leave or walk out or stop etc. I'm confused even after talking to her about it. If she was completely not into anymore, I think she would simply be very direct stern and to the point and say, I don't want to do it ever again and that's that....Just says, she's not programmed that way etc...

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Nicepairinct

Now, during process of deciding if my wife is "programmed" for that, I was trading photo's with a few people. She knew this but some were more explicit and some video of that one night with first couple. Well, she found out and was mortified and insisted we stop etc. trust etc. (I think she grouped both situations into one, ie. photo trading and swinging) I agreed and haven't since. She said she's done with the parties, etc. and I agreed out of shame. After saying nothing about it and knowing what I did was wrong, we've joked about allowing pics again between us.

It sounds as if you were doing this picture-trading behind her back, correct? Then it hurt her after she discovered this. Sounds like her trust was broken. It takes time to re-establish trust when you've been sneaking behind her back, even if it's just stuff on the 'net. Can I ask, why were you doing it without her knowledge? Why not let her in on it?

Originally Posted by Nicepairinct

My question is that based on her experience and action's she was into it as I was. We agreed that we both loved the flirting touching etc. and when I brought home a movie the other day about a couple that tries a threesome with another woman, she watched it with attention and we somehow had great sex.

I see a lot of men on here using their wife's reaction to a porn movie when she's alone with you, as a gauge to determine if she'd want to do it in real life with other partners. Sorry, but lots of women may get turned-on seeing something on film in the privacy of your home, but that doesn't equate to wanting to do it in real life - those are different things. Some things are just fantasy for women.

Originally Posted by Nicepairinct

Could she still have reservation's about trying this in the future but would be willing to try it a different way ie. just going to parties to flirt etc. touch, dance, kiss but go home/room together only? Should I forget it altogether.

She's the only one who could answer this for you. Nobody here will know - you'll have to open up the communication lines with her better, to find out.

Originally Posted by Nicepairinct

She did say she did it to make me happy but I sure wouldn't do it once, twice etc. to make her happy if I did't want to do it the least bit...

This is very common for a lot of women. A lot of women will do something they really don't want to do (or only have a slight interest in), only because they know their husbands want it badly. Women want to please their husbands and keep them happy. We're trained to "keep a man happy" from the word go, from the time we're little girls. Some women struggle with this more than others. Also, when women know their husbands are fascinated with swinging and when they know they're online reading about it, talking to people about it, collecting pictures and whatever, they fear that he'll go off and get involved with it on his own, if she doesn't go along with it. I've heard this from many women...some on this board, but a lot more on another board that's mostly women.

Keep talking to her, and see where the communications go. Patience and respect of her true feelings is a key that will open her up.

[Nicepairinct]

It sounds as if you were doing this picture-trading behind her back, correct? Then it hurt her after she discovered this. Sounds like her trust was broken. It takes time to re-establish trust when you've been sneaking behind her back, even if it's just stuff on the 'net. Can I ask, why were you doing it without her knowledge? Why not let her in on it?

I wasn't doing the picture trading behind her back. We agreed on what pictures could be exchanged etc. I think a few were questionable and it was more of a "trump" the other guy's photo's when he asked to trade for pics of his wife. Grant you, we also traded photo's of hubby's too. The guy I was trading with was persistent and they wanted to meet us eventually because his wife was attracted to mine.

I see a lot of men on here using their wife's reaction to a porn movie when she's alone with you, as a gauge to determine if she'd want to do it in real life with other partners. Sorry, but lots of women may get turned-on seeing something on film in the privacy of your home, but that doesn't equate to wanting to do it in real life - those are different things. Some things are just fantasy for women.

I guess it isn't really a good way to determine what she may or may not be interested in or like.


This is very common for a lot of women. A lot of women will do something they really don't want to do (or only have a slight interest in), only because they know their husbands want it badly. Women want to please their husbands and keep them happy. We're trained to "keep a man happy" from the word go, from the time we're little girls. Some women struggle with this more than others. Also, when women know their husbands are fascinated with swinging and when they know they're online reading about it, talking to people about it, collecting pictures and whatever, they fear that he'll go off and get involved with it on his own, if she doesn't go along with it. I've heard this from many women...some on this board, but a lot more on another board that's mostly women.

I never got the impression she was doing it for me and she knows she would not lose me to anyone else. That is particularly why I thought we could incorporate it into OUR lives and not each one as a single person. It was to enhance our already great relationship. We're best friends and have been together over 20 years. I would be surprised if she really meant to do it just because I wanted to or was curious. I do remember her questioning me about a type of party, the people that go there and things that can happen and we explored it a bit online together by looking up various site's, party's clubs etc.

I think patience to re-establish what we were going and think of the positive aspects of what we did vs. the insecurities etc. that may have occurred. There was never a time that we fought over what happened. It seemed typical of a couple who were experiencing something and had question's and some minor humps to get over during the process. This is why I'm not totally convinced she is not still somewhat curious or at least open to future endeavors...

[Nicepairinct]

"It sounds as if you were doing this picture-trading behind her back, correct? Then it hurt her after she discovered this. Sounds like her trust was broken. It takes time to re-establish trust when you've been sneaking behind her back, even if it's just stuff on the 'net. Can I ask, why were you doing it without her knowledge? Why not let her in on it?"

I wasn't doing the picture trading behind her back. We agreed on what pictures could be exchanged etc. I think a few were questionable and it was more of a "trump" the other guy's photo's when he asked to trade for pics of his wife. Grant you, we also traded photo's of hubby's too. The guy I was trading with was persistent and they wanted to meet us eventually because his wife was attracted to mine.

I see a lot of men on here using their wife's reaction to a porn movie when she's alone with you, as a gauge to determine if she'd want to do it in real life with other partners. Sorry, but lots of women may get turned-on seeing something on film in the privacy of your home, but that doesn't equate to wanting to do it in real life - those are different things. Some things are just fantasy for women."

I guess it isn't really a good way to determine what she may or may not be interested in or like.

This is very common for a lot of women. A lot of women will do something they really don't want to do (or only have a slight interest in), only because they know their husbands want it badly. Women want to please their husbands and keep them happy. We're trained to "keep a man happy" from the word go, from the time we're little girls. Some women struggle with this more than others. Also, when women know their husbands are fascinated with swinging and when they know they're online reading about it, talking to people about it, collecting pictures and whatever, they fear that he'll go off and get involved with it on his own, if she doesn't go along with it. I've heard this from many women...some on this board, but a lot more on another board that's mostly women."

I never got the impression she was doing it for me and she knows she would not lose me to anyone else. That is particularly why I thought we could incorporate it into OUR lives and not each one as a single person. It was to enhance our already great relationship. We're best friends and have been together over 20 years. I would be surprised if she really meant to do it just because I wanted to or was curious. I do remember her questioning me about a type of party, the people that go there and things that can happen and we explored it a bit online together by looking up various site's, party's clubs etc.

I think patience to re-establish what we were doing and think of the positive aspects of what we did vs. the insecurities etc. that may have occurred. There was never a time that we fought over what happened. It seemed typical of a couple who were experiencing something and had question's and some minor humps to get over during the process. This is why I'm not totally convinced she is not still somewhat curious or at least open to future endeavors...I'm going to leave that up to her and see how she approaches it if at all

[getnit2gethr]

I'd hate to try and tell you what she is feeling. I have no idea. I know how you must feel though. My wife doesn't really like to talk much either. She calls it whining sometimes, lol. I'm focused more now on just getting her to talk seriously about things rather than on any particular subject. She can get moody too and say things she doesn't mean and then forget she said them. Obviously if she tried it she is not dead against it. You really need to get her to open up to you more. Sometimes, to get a serious conversation out of her I'll plan my approach (the way I bring up a subject). I've noticed her response is highly sensitive to that. I'll usually start with something generally related to what I really want to talk about and then look for oportunities to get in how I feel about some of those things. It seems to work pretty well.

[Nicepairinct]

I agree with your evaluation. I think it's in her but more conversation and communication is required. I think the pic sharing put everything over the edge and she simply bunched it into one pile without evaluating each situation differently from each other. Also, when we did talk briefly about what we've done, she doesn't end the conversation with a firm "No, we're not ever doing it again" etc. type of response. I did say that it was a shame that the experience was what it was depending on the first situation and her ability to be attracted or whatever to that first couple. Hey, we're not perfect, far from it but if you relate the experience in a negative way because you were supposedly "repulsed" by the individual's then I know how she must feel. We did agree that if the experience had been different with people we really wanted to remain friends with etc., it could have been much more positive. I'm not holding onto that 100% but if I take it slow, we may approach the subject again. Incidentally, we're both going away for a vacation to an island and once more for a family event. Funny how things happen when you're not in your familiar home environment especially for women. I may bring up the subject again and see where it goes. What do YOU think?

[getnit2gethr]

Whatever you do be careful not to ruin your vacation. I'm sure she's expecting to be romanced. This may be a perfect oportunity to make her feel special. I'd just concentrate on giving her a good time and not even bring up swinging, at least on the first vacation. If she brings it up great, but you need to prove to her that she's your number one priority. The way I see it, she's having trust issues. You're charging full steam ahead but she might be afraid you're running off without her. I think you need to take her hand and move ahead at a pace that she can feel confident with. Once you have her trust I'm sure she'll follow you anywhere. Enjoy your vacations!

[Nicepairinct]

You bet we're going to have a great romantic getaway. She arranged it due to a birthday and an anniversary. Present basically. She's the best. She always knows that going into the lifestyle that I wanted it to be about us and not each individual. It is supposed to enhance our sex life and relationship (we're best friends). Anything that happens was something that we brought into our relationship. No fooling around with other's etc. Also, I'm into it more if SHE is having a good time, even at my expense. Most of the time during the first experience, she was with the other wife and was fingered, licked and suckled some by the husband while the wives were playing with each other. I didn't seem to have to be involved at all. Voyeur I guess, but when I did fool around it was great. We asked things first, gave permission etc. I was actually told by the second husband that I was very polite, not pushy and that's why things worked out that evening. Happened so fast. I think the second experience was much better and the other wife was much better looking and attractive to my wife compared to the first time. Sounds shallow but looks are always a part of any attraction right?

[catslaughing]

I would suggest being open and just asking her what she wants, then you respect her wishes.

It is really that simple.

[getnit2gethr]

In my experience, telling her how I feel is not always enough. Sometimes a little reinforcement goes a long way.

Are looks important? Good looks will never make a personality less attractive.

[ShellyM]

First off, WOW you could be an author. It took me like 10 minutes to read the OP because I kept having to stop to get the mental image of what I was reading lol.

Anyways, there are times when a woman does fake it...just like men, sometimes we aren't in the mood. That does NOT mean we don't enjoy it, it just means that you wanted to make love, and we brought you pleasure but weren't necessarily in the mood. Anyways. Then, there is the OTHER faking it. Thats not a good thing. Perhaps sit her down and ask her what she wants to do, and where she wants to go from here. In honesty it sounds definately like there are jealousy issues, or if not jealousy insecurity issues...thats a better description I think. She is not bad for feeling that, don't get me wrong. Not everyone is made to do this. Talk with her and see how she feels. There are couples who tried full swap, didn't prefer it, and are committed to soft swap. Nothing wrong with that so long as you are up front with a potential play couple before you start fooling around.
Best of luck to you.

[Nicepairinct]

Thanks. We discussed the first situation during sex at times and, I believe, jealousy was not an issue whatsoever. I think it was an attraction issue and we all didn't feel forced to participate but the party we went to (met them there) was the definitive catalyst for the "fun" in the hotel room. I would think that if my wife really had any reservation's at all to the point where she was completely turned off or repulsed, she would have said no, let's leave NOW! That didn't happen. It didn't necessarily flow like two couples who are just playing along and it naturally without discussion progresses to another level of intimacy. We chatted many times with this couple online so there were no surprises. At one point, my wife suggested that we didn't know what we want but were open to some things. I think the second situation was similiar but we had a great time drinking, dancing, flirting, grab assing etc. when at another "hotel party" meet n' greet. She danced with the other wife, got close and the husband even said, "Whoa, check that out"...The wives were hugging, grinding and kissing. I think the attraction is there but she was afraid to admit she really liked it. My wife was actually sitting on the hubby's lap for about an hour just talking while we all just danced etc. I wasn't upset at all. He wasn't attractive to her but thought he was nice. That experience probably would have been better had we had more time to spend with them in the room etc. We discussed the situation again during intimacy and she was "concerned" that the other wife was attractive and that I could end up chatting and masturbating to/with her online when she was at work. I assured her it was about us and not me or her. What we did, we did together and anyone else was incorporated into OUR circle for OUR pleasure with the partie(s) obviously being agreeable. I wouldn't press the issue but I've noticed that she really seperates sex with everyday life where I'm always the opposite. I think self image issues do come up. She had 3 kids, and can't really find the time to excercise with her work schedule etc. I always encourage her and tell how much I love and am attracted to her regardless of her insecurties. Hell, I have some too. We make a great team. She even discusses the possibility of a breast enhancement because she's never been happy with her breasts and the kids really "sucked" that right out of her. I think with some better self image and even that enhancement, it might be the final thing that may allow her to really relax about her looks and be more open, sexual, etc. Then again, she could end up flashing everyone we know. haha. Either way, I'm into her more than I've ever been. I think maybe softswap or just voyeurism is more our speed and that one time things are clicking, a glance, look or whatever may just allow us to both go further...