Do you touch????

[TNT]

While watching Showtimes "Sexual Healing" show with Dr. Laura Berman I got to thinking...One of her exercises for the couples that she counsels is a Tantra Sex work shop.

Ted and I got to talking about the Tantric sex...although we've never really done what they describe on the show as Tantra, in a way we've been doing the basis of it for years.

One of the things that is taught in these work shops is touching...this led me to thinking about touching in general.

Ted and I touch A LOT...we will never walk by each other without touching in some way or another. One of the things I've noticed with other couples in the vanilla world is that they don't touch. I work with parents at school functions where there will be couples there...I have never seen the first couple touch...they will stand by each other and talk but never touch each other.

When we've been out with vanilla friends they don't touch, where Ted and I will move our chairs so our legs touch, we hold hands and we sit with our arms around each other.

When we are out with swinger friends...they will touch each other...some not to the degree that Ted and I do but, they sure do touch more than any vanilla couple I've seen.

What's been your observation? Do you know vanilla people who touch or do you notice that your swinger friends touch each other more?


Teresa

[2jersey]

Great topic, great questions. We would respond immediately, but we can't keep our hands off one another.

[SuAndBud]

We've sort of noticed this, too (somewhat in a subliminal way). We touch each other all the time when we're out (almost like "staking our claim" on each other - and yet, we swing. How odd is that?).

We also touch and often kiss even if we're just passing in the hallway at home. We at least touch hands as we're passing in said hallway and acknowledge each other.

Our vanilla friends never seem to touch (except one couple we suspect are at least "wanabee swingers" if not actually already swinging).

We know of no deffinate non-lifestylers who touch each other in public as we do.

Maybe if this is familiar to the other board members, this could become a badgeless sign to other swingers that we are, too (lol).

"If you're stroked - maybe you're stoked".

[ohash01]

Interesting...very interesting.

I think that the point you make is valid...there are very few "vanilla" couples I see in the world that touch as much as J. and I do. I am constantly touching him. Whether it's a hand at the nape of his neck, or on his knee, or a kiss, or anything.

I wonder if it just has to do with the fact that we have thrown off our PDA inhibitions. Or perhaps that we are just innately more touchy-feely?

I've been this way with all the men in my past, even if they haven't reciprocated. Perhaps my body knew before my mind did that I was meant to be a swinger?

[sbjr3]

Well, as we have yet to have our first experience and may never, Jr and I fall into the "vanilla" category. We are always touching in some manner privately and in public, whether it is holding hands, legs touching when sitting, a kiss on the neck, etc. While shopping, Jr. loves to surprise me with a nibble on my neck, which results in a huge tingle running down my body, and I love to tease him by "massaging" him discreetly. We have always been this way with each other, even before we began talking about swinging. I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with being a swinger or wannbe swinger. I believe it has to do with how open and comfortable you are with each other and if you are able to get past taught inhibitions as I was.

sb

[SuAndBud]

sbjr3,

But (just a thought, here), do your other "vanilla" friends touch the same as you two do?

You're posting on a Swinger Site and maybe it's endemic amongst swingers or potential/wanabee swingers, as noted by: ohash01, earlier .

Maybe not at all, but we don't generally see vanilla folk showing physical signs of affection towards each other as we do when out at the suermarket, for instance, (unless it's the patently obvious newly love-struck couples).

Just a thought, brought up by this thread.

[ShellyM]

I agree with you, I think one of the first things that goes in a marriage is the touch factor. Jay and I are a couple that "touches" all of the time. We still hold hands after 15 years, we still kiss. I feel that it is very important that our children see us openly loving each other, because they are learning about relationships from what we teach them. And we tend to learn what we see done, not what our parents say to do lol. But yes, I agree with you also on the fact that not many couples touch or openly show affection. Its almost as if they are ashamed of it in a way.

[sbjr3]

Originally posted by SuAndBud

But (just a thought, here), do your other "vanilla" friends touch the same as you two do?

You're posting on a Swinger Site and maybe it's endemic amongst swingers or potential/wanabee swingers, as noted by: ohash01, earlier .

Maybe not at all, but we don't generally see vanilla folk showing physical signs of affection towards each other as we do when out at the suermarket, for instance, (unless it's the patently obvious newly love-struck couples).

Just a thought, brought up by this thread.

Actually yes, all of our closest "vanilla" couple friends show the same affection towards each other. Does this mean we are all wannabe swingers? I don't think so. I have mentioned to a couple of the female halves of our friends about my and Jr's interest in swinging and they think it's cool, but it doesn't appeal to them.

As ShellyM posted:

I feel that it is very important that our children see us openly loving each other, because they are learning about relationships from what we teach them.

People tend to steer towards those of like minds. Mine and Jr's goal was to be friends with those who have the same beliefs as we do towards rearing our children. As it turned out, openly showing affection versus hiding it is one of those beliefs that we share in common with our group of "vanilla" friends. Jr and I each had this same belief long before meeting each other. As single parents we both tended to only be friends with married couples. After my divorce, my children from my first marriage were exposed early on to the healthy, positive, loving relationships of my friends. If their father and I were unable to provide a good example for them, I wanted them to know it existed. Jr. and I are both openly affectionate (within reason of course ) in front of his and my children. My youngest son has thanked me in the past for showing him that there are happy couples out there and there is nothing wrong with showing affection anywhere.

sb

[flkeyscouple]

Roger and I are very 'touchy, feely' too. We often will simply put a hand on the other's arm, or arm around the back, etc. We seldom are near each other without touching in one way or another. I've never specifically watched other couples, but my memory of others (vanilla) is that they are not as 'touchy' as we are. But now that you bring it to our attention, we'll watch!

Pretty insightful, in my opinion. I've always thought that swingers have stronger, loving marriages than most vanilla couples - now I also think we show more affection/touching too.

Good thread! Thanks for bringing this topic up!

Sarah

[sexyshelby]

Well, we haven't started swinging yet (only due to lack of opportunity), but we agree. We are more touchy than other couples than we know. One of us usually has a hand on the other's leg when we are sitting next to each other or holding hands when walking, etc.

Interesting observation.

~SS

[Sweet_Candy]

We touch each other all the time too.

[LFM2]

Teresa,

What an interesting observation! I totally agree with you. I never really noticed it before, but yes, that is exactly the way it is.

D and I always have to touch each other in some way. Even subconsciously while we sleep, our legs are entwined or I'll wake up and we're holding hands.

One swinging couple that we know are just the opposites. I don't think I ever seen them touch, however, their non-verbal communication speaks volumes about their love for each other.

[Amanda69]

Very interesting observation. Yes we are very affectionate with each other including little looks, hand under the table etc...our vanilla friends don't tend to display affection as openly.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Amanda69

Very interesting observation. Yes we are very affectionate with each other including little looks, hand under the table etc...our vanilla friends don't tend to display affection as openly.

I think that life happens. In every marriage you reach a point where your life overtakes the "fantasy".....the honeymoon is over is usually what we say. Then children are born, and bills pile up. Life becomes hectic. I know lots of couples that literally pass each other in the hallway, and are more like business partners than lovers actually. They have sex at a pre-dispositioned time, and the kids are their lives. These are usually the ones that end up divorced when the nest empties out, because they find that they don't even know each other anymore. How sad. But yes, for some reason vanilla couples are like that. You see them at the store, and its all business. I am so grateful that Jay and I are truly best friends, because I know that in 15 years of marriage many times our friendship got us through some rough times.

[sbjr3]

I am having a difficult time accepting that "vanilla" couples are not as touchy/feely as those in the lifestyle are. In fact, I am becoming annoyed at the idea.

I do understand that in order to swing successfully as a couple you need to be extremely open and honest with each other and have a very, very strong relationship. Why is it not possible for "vanilla" couples to have this same kind of relationship and not be interested in swinging? I get the impression (and I may be wrong) that the folks posting in this thread, thus far, believe it is not possible unless those couples are swingers or wannabes. It is the same thing as saying all couples who show affection in public are swingers or wannabes. That, IMO, is an unfair generalization.

I know from personal experience that the more you learn about swinging, and I am sure once in the lifestyle, you become "hypersensitive” towards couples around you and their behavior. You see a couple showing affection and you cannot help but wonder if they are “swingers”. However, I do not falsely allow myself to believe they are, just because they are openly affectionate towards each other.

My being present on this board means, at this moment, I am a wannabe swinger, but this was not the case 5, 10, or 20 years ago when I still had the same touchy/feely mentality with my SO. I may or may not participate in the lifestyle, which is why I am a member of this board, to get as much info as possible. If I decide swinging is not for me, I will still be the same person inside in regards to openly showing affection to Jr, and he to me.

Thank you for allowing me to have my little rant and I hope I made some sort of sense.

sb