Talking to kids about swinging.

[bill&sabrina]

This really got me thinking this morning.

Originally Posted by Funcpl647

Never, never, never would we involve our kids. We view this as strictly adult time. Time for us. Their safety is an issue of course, but I have never met a child (or young adult) that could wrap their mind around the fact that their parents have sex with other people. Kids just aren't equipped to handle it.

It was an answer to a question in this thread: Children at first meets between couples
I didn't want to hijack that thread and steer it in another direction, so here are my thoughts.

It occurred to me that swingers have unknowingly opened a pandora's box, that they have been loathe to even admit existed. Talking to our kids about swinging. I personally see doing so as a chance to improve the worlds view of swinging. I get to teach 2 people that swinging isn't inherently bad, and can in fact be a very rewarding experience. Unless you totally isolate your kids, what is swinging is going to be a topic of discussion. Sadly I don't have much faith that swingers will be "open" and "honest" enough to make the best of this chance. Thoughts?

[Amanda69]

Sadly I don't have much faith that swingers will be "open" and "honest" enough to make the best of this chance.

Not sure what choosing to share with your children (depending on their ages) has to do with being "open" and "honest". There are simply some things that are appropriate to share with your children (depending on age) and some things that aren't. While ideally we all educated our children about sex I certainly hope we don't all share whatever kinks, fetishes etc.

As an adult if my daughter came to me to ask about swinging and whether or not I was involved I would then choose to disclose and have an "adult" discussion about it.

Children are wonderful creatures however for most of them if you say something is a secret, they are even more likely to go tell someone else about it. Wouldn't you just love a call from the school about how your son or daughter decided to share your lifestyle choice to the class???

[lovinher]

Jeeeze...talk to my kids about swinging? I don't talk our about vanilla sex life with them let alone swinging!
Now if they found out that we were into this then I'd have some explaining to do. But otherwise...no way.

[bill&sabrina]

Originally Posted by Amanda69

Not sure what choosing to share with your children (depending on their ages) has to do with being "open" and "honest".

From what I have read on here, I believe most swingers are going to change the subject, and lie if need be. Which isn't "open" or "honest". That is very confusing to me, since both are held in such high regard among swingers.

[CB_n_Red]

We didn't lie when our youngest (at the age of 21) asked us if we were swingers. Told her and that was that. It seems she had been putting two and two together for quite some time. Curiosity satisfied, she hasn't mentioned it again. No embarrassment for anyone.

On the other hand, discussing sex was never taboo in our house so that probably helped. It also helped make sure none of our kids got pregnant/got someone else pregnant accidentally.

Just the two penn'orth of a pair of rather liberal Europeans.....

CB

[Chip_n_Muffy]

Harrrummmmph!!!!! I want to know were it says I have an obligation to tell everyone everything about my life! Is it a good idea to tell children things that might damage their relationship with you? Confuse them? Force them to view you as outside the norms of society? The term "brutally honest" puts too much emphasis on "brutal" I fear. Why would any rational person do that to their kids?

Chip

[havefuninsun]

There are a lot of issues I don't find necessary to discuss with kids. I don't discuss my personal finances (it's not of their business what I make a year, what the mortgage is, etc.). My kids don't meet all of my friends (and I'm talking the vanilla kind). And I agree with some of the above statements: there is no way to understand something that they have no experience in, like swinging.

Example: when my father passed away and my mother started dating again, my 12 year old sister at the time could not get her head around how mom could possibly want to be with someone else since she loved my dad. I was grown; I completely understood and encouraged her to get out and date. How do you explain such adult emotions and concepts to a child?

And its hypocritical in my book to preach to your child to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons (disease, pregnancy ... not to mention MATURITY! I'm certainly not excited about the fact that my 15 year old son could be), and then be seen as acting very irresponsibly in a lot of eyes.

Bottom line: I think it's a bad idea to talk to your kids about swinging. I'm not even sure if I'd want to know if my OWN mother was a swinger! (hahaha)

[tribbles]

So it's not the not telling others but the LYING about it, right?

I don't think kids should be told but adult children, why not?

S

[NandTfromCA]

I don't see any reason to "tell" anyone. But if someone "asks" about it, we will give try and give them an honest response tailored to their age and perspective.

If someone is old enough to ask "do you have sex with..." then they are probably old enough to get a honest response.

When it comes to kids, it will more likely be a 13 year old asking something like "why do you have so many friends?" or "You sure get dressed up and go out alot more than Jane's parents". In that case, it's easy to say that it's because we are just very social people. True, yet not TMI.

Mr.

[ohash01]

I don't have children, but I was raised in a household where it was okay to talk about sex and relationship problems and all that stuff. Back then, I was creeped out. More than I care to remember. But now...I'm grateful. I haven't accidentally gotten pregnant. I've been able to better weigh my decisions on who to sleep with and who not to. Once I hit 15 my mom went "Look...you'll be driving soon...I can't keep an eye on you 24/7...there will be boys...I won't be mad if you decide you want to have sex, but please please tell me so we can make you safer and smarter." She kept her promise and I kept mine.

Now...onto the talking about swinging. I can picture my little brother (who is 21 now) sticking his fingers in his ears and going "LALALA!"...because that's what he always did. There are some things that I just don't think kids want to hear about. It's gross knowing that your parents have sex once you know what that is. It's probably even grosser if they're having sex with other people.

I think if I have kids, once they got older (I'm talking 18+) and learned what discretion was and if they asked me, I'd tell them. I don't think I'd sit them down and have "the swinger talk". I don't think I'd drop the swing-bomb over dinner. But if they asked, yes, I'd be honest. If they were younger, it'd be change of subject time or time to use a gentle ommittance of the truth. "Oh them? They're just very nice people. Daddy and I like spending time with them." No lies there!

[lovinher]

Our kids already know we have sex...trust me. But they don't need to know details. Omitting the details is not lying or that we are not open about sex in general.

[Chicup]

I have to say the last thing I would have wanted to hear as a kid was that my parents were swingers.

MAYBE after college (long before we were swingers) I woulda been ok with knowing, but thinking of your mom getting it on with random guys at a pre-adult age would have been somewhat traumatic.

[bill&sabrina]

I must apologize for leaving out a very important part of my post. I think that because swinging is a somewhat popular topic of public debate, parents are going to be asked what it is, followed by being asked if you do it. Very sorry to omit this.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by bill&sabrina

It occurred to me that swingers have unknowingly opened a pandora's box, that they have been loathe to even admit existed. Talking to our kids about swinging. I personally see doing so as a chance to improve the worlds view of swinging. I get to teach 2 people that swinging isn't inherently bad, and can in fact be a very rewarding experience. Unless you totally isolate your kids, what is swinging is going to be a topic of discussion. Sadly I don't have much faith that swingers will be "open" and "honest" enough to make the best of this chance. Thoughts?

I see your point, and I think in theory it is a good thing. However, I think you can teach your children about love and healthy relationships just by loving each other. Jay and I are very loving in front of our children. We hold hands, we kiss each other (in a manner appropriate to be done in front of our babies), we tell each other that we love each other. I agree 100% that honesty is the best thing for children, but it has to be child appropriate. I am not going to tell my 4 year old that mommy and daddy like to "love" other people. So, IMO I feel that simply loving each other in front of the children is enough.

[Mr. Truelove]

Vanilla sex and Swinging are two very very different animals.

First of all, until my children reach adulthood my goal is to keep them as safe as I can. And when it comes down to it, swinging is risky. Pregnancy, STDs, etc. It all can happen. And thats not even getting into Social impact.

For me to show them that I do this would be detrimental to how carefully they make these decisions as they grow into adulthood. And thats the point. I want them to make their decisions rationally, when they are old enough to realize the full impact that they will have.

To me it's like telling your kid you smoked pot. My dad did that, and him telling me that had a major influence on me trying it. "my dad did it and he turned out ok..."

Well, now that I am an adult, I regret having done it. And I wish instead of telling me he did it, that he told me that it's wrong and I shouldn't. I didn't need to try it early, and I could have tried it later. And now it's interfering with the profession I would really love to do.

Adults have all the time in the world to make risky decisions in life, why should I encourage my children to take risky lifestyles before they are mature enough to do so on their own. If I tell my children about it early, then they think that casual sex is ok. And typically, for younger people, having many partners can be detrimental. (High school).

Well, that's my reasoning . And I'm not even going to touch the Social impact that it would have on me and possibly them.