How long did it take you to decide?

[Chicup]

One thing being around here a long time has given me the opportunity to see trends in posts.

One of these trends I'm not sure about and would like to see if its really a trend or just due to a lack of follow up postings by people.

It seems we have a good number of posts that seem to go along the lines of "We haven't swung yet but this is great information!" from posters who have been around over a year, sometimes many years. Varients of this would be "We are looking for the right couple to seduce us." or "We are trying to find out if its right for us." None of these are quotes but I think we can all recall this kind of post either as a intro post or in an existing thread.

Now this is where the trend part comes in. Of those swingers who are successful, and I'll define successful as having swung more than once and having it be a positive experience for both the male and female half of the couple, the majority seem to have jumped right in and done it. I'm not saying there were no insecurities, issues, or long talks involved, but they both knew they wanted to try it, and once that was realized they did it.

So my questions to the successful swingers is:

1. Did any of you take the long multiyear path?
2. Did you analyze and re analyze the concept before deciding to do it?
3. Did you convince your wife (or husband) who was initially opposed to the concept?

For us.....
1. We talked about the concept off and on for about six months, and it took another few months to find our first couple. Once we figured out what we both wanted the hard part was finding that first couple, net adds were a bit more primative then and harder to find.

2. Not really. Over that first year it was more figuring out what we wanted, understanding our fantasies, but once that was figured out, we knew the solution.

3. She was never opposed to the concept. Her objections were more about insecurities with herself and some guilt over feeling like she would like a three some etc. Married girls don't do that after all but these were pretty minor.

[biblonde]

Originally Posted by Chicup

So my questions to the successful swingers is:

1. Did any of you take the long multiyear path?
2. Did you analyze and re analyze the concept before deciding to do it?
3. Did you convince your wife (or husband) who was initially opposed to the concept?

1. With us we joked about another girl in Dec. then by January we placed an add on SLS and within a month had our first playdate. So nope didnt take very long from first real thought to actually playing. Although our first date wasnt as "great" since it was their first too. But our second one with those that were experianced was mind blowing!

2. Not really. We talked alot about it. I did have some problems with being with another man since until then (20+ years) I had only been with my hubby and was real nervous about letting another man touch me. (got over that ) It was more about talking about how we felt about the whole thing and our own feelings. It was a little wierd at first after all...we made wedding vows to keep ourselves to each other only.

3. Well we were both for it neither had to be convinced to do anything. I was the one that decided we should take it to the next level and informed him of it and of course he thought it to be a good idea also. We dont have any jelousy problems so it was pretty easy to go there. Although not all our experiances have been great as a whole the lifestyle has been alot of fun for us and in the last 3 1/2 years we havent really looked back and said maybe this isnt for us. Even the bad experiances havent been that bad. We just walk away saying "wont do that again with them" or "what were we thinking" and we laugh and move on!


I must say our talks have become more involved and more open. We are closer now than ever and I think I can say this for both of us that we are more in love with each other than ever. For us this lifestyle has been such a positve that even if we stopped today we would look back with a smile.

[JP51]

1. We talked about a few times, because we had friends whom we did everything else with, took vacations, danced. And it always seem we were coupled with the other mate, lots of common intrest, he/he, she/she are best friends. When on vacation my other she and I were always together, and they were always off doing something else.

2. On analysis, not really, we brought up the topic one night over dinner. Since were all setting around nude, in the hot tub. Tehy said they had been thinking the same thing.

3. Nope no problems, but we did learn one hot fast rule that night. At the end of the evening, if we are in the same house, town, state, etc... we sleep in the same bed together, does not mean you can't get kick out at 5AM because the other one needs the space for playmates...but allows us to bond.

[dayhiker]

Well, I'm one of the guys that has hung around here reading and haven't swung with my wife. When I was 1st here it was because of the sexiness of it all. Then I learned to read the messages for info on how relationships worked. OH, I can't forget that I wanted some of the hot sex described here.

Problem ... Personally, I had problems with swinging conflicting with Christianity.
Problem two, my wife had even more problems with this idea than I had.

I finally realized that for all the Bible study I had done I'd not really studied what the Bible said about sex. I've now spent two years studying what the Bible says about nudity, masturbation, fornication, idolatry and sex, what the church has said historically about sex, marriage and celibacy, the history of marriage, polygamy, law and grace, legalism, divorce and remarriage. Ya, its been many, many hours and most of it would bore you to death. My conclusion is that love honesty and generosity is what God wants. I found that reading this message board showed me some honest people that loved their spouses and want to give to the people they meet, were posting to help others and that these actions are compatible with what the Bible says.
Also while getting some counseling the counsel said I wasn't acting the way a normal person would act. After quite a long process an other counselor diagnosed me a having AS .. Asperger syndrome also sometimes call high functioning autism.

So my issues with swinging have been resolved. My wife has also been on a road dealing with issues. Some I caused including sexual things like porn use, etc, some are dealing with changes in her body: food issues and depression. These have keep her so busy that she hasn't even been able to really think about swinging and the faith issues around it. All this process has helped us realize that our communication that worked for 20 years was not working the last 6 years and so two years ago things came to a head. In all this mix of issues, we still love each other, we are learning to communicate better, and we are finding a new love for each other. We are still in process.

So I have no idea if we will ever visit a nudist resort let alone a swingers club. But till then your posts have helped me understand relationships in a way that has been most helpful. So I want to say thanks to all of you for helping me in so many ways.


dayhiker

[beaverz]

We are one of those couples Chicup mentioned that have been around for a while (year and a half), but have not jumped into the swinging world. I realize Chicup directed the questions to successful swingers, but since I can relate to the long term folks I thought I would add my thoughts to the thread any way.

Originally Posted by: Chicup
1. Did any of you take the long multiyear path?

We are on the long multiyear path, but not for trying to come to grips with the concept of swinging or trying to convince each other to swing.
Swinging unfortunately is not high on the priority list right now.
1. Kids (we have two years before our youngest is off to college, this will free up more private time for us)
2. Sick family members (her step father terminally ill, my mother fighting breast cancer - this takes up a lot of time)
3. Our businesses (trying to keep the income coming in so we don’t have to go out and get real jobs).

When our life settles down a little that’s when we will activity pursue the lifestyle and have the time and energy to deal with the issues that come along with it. If a situation came along right now that we thought would work without many issues we would more in likely give it a shot, but we don’t have the time right now to pursue the lifestyle actively.

Originally Posted by: Chicup
2. Did you analyze and re analyze the concept before deciding to do it?

No, we don’t analyze and re analyze the concept of swinging. We don’t have a problem with the concept.

There are issues with swinging that we are in no hurry to deal with at this time (such as; STDs, potential drama from others, insecurities with our bodies, friends or family potentially finding out).

Originally Posted by: Chicup
3. Did you convince your wife (or husband) who was initially opposed to the concept?

Neither one of us was ever opposed to the concept, so we never did any convincing. 5 or 10 years ago swinging wasn’t something we would have considered, but we never had an issue with the concept. Swinging never really came to mind until Mrs. Beaverz opened up and started discussing her fantasies, that led me to open up and here we are.

P.S. This site is a great site for information, but it didn’t have an influence as far as us deciding to try swinging some day (that was already in our sick perverted minds ).

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by beaverz

We are one of those couples Chicup mentioned that have been around for a while (year and a half), but have not jumped into the swinging world. I realize Chicup directed the questions to successful swingers, but since I can relate to the long term folks I thought I would add my thoughts to the thread any way.

I should have put some statement in there inviting non-swinging couples to participate. I didn't mean it to be exclusive to swingers in terms of discussion.

[good times]

Originally Posted by Chicup

So my questions to the successful swingers is:

1. Did any of you take the long multiyear path?

For us it was a little over a year from the time we first discussed the idea until we actually had our first full swap.

Originally Posted by Chicup

2. Did you analyze and re analyze the concept before deciding to do it?

Not really, when we first started discussing the idea we didn't even know what swinging was, or that their were so many people who were into it. We mainly spent the time doing research, mostly on the internet, to find out what it was all about and determine if it sounded like something we would like to do. Sometime during that period I found the Swingersboard and started reading the threads here. Then I started participating in the threads and sharing that with my wife, which prompted her to come here and do the same. We also found out during that time that their were several on-premise clubs in town. I think the thing that kind of convinced us most is that through this board we found out that swingers were people just like us, and not the sexual deviants we assumed when we first found out about it.

Originally Posted by Chicup

3. Did you convince your wife (or husband) who was initially opposed to the concept?

No, at the time we first started talking about it we were actively going to parties and camping with a close group of vanilla friends quite regularly. After getting a little loosened up with alchohol these friends would get a little frisky with others beside their respective spouse (we later came to know this as soft swap). After having this happen a few times we one day had a conversation about what had been happening and what we thought about it between just the wife and I. We both decided that it was pretty exciting and both thought we would like to take it further and actually have sex with others. Then we made the mistake of approaching our friends with the idea when they weren't under the influence, big mistake. We ended up losing some good friends over it, and decided that if we were going to do it we would need to find people of like mind to ourselves and keep our friends as just friends. Then the research started, and here we are. That was about 5 years ago.

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by Chicup

So my questions to the successful swingers is:

1. Did any of you take the long multiyear path?
2. Did you analyze and re analyze the concept before deciding to do it?
3. Did you convince your wife (or husband) who was initially opposed to the concept?

1. Not a multi-year path, but a multi-month path ... we started talking about it about a year ago; we put a free ad on SLS in September-ish, mainly trying to figure ourselves out, what we want, etc.; we paid for our ad in Jan/Feb, and met our first couple not too long after that.

2. I think I did more analyzing and re-analyzing (the female 1/2). And it was just about what I wanted, more than if I had some moral oppression against it, etc. I think if a couple wants to share anything, it's their business, so the concept of swinging wasn't an issue.

3. He probably brought it up after we talked about fantasies, and if we could really make fantasies come true ... he put the "bug" in my ear. I never needed convincing, I just wanted to feel immensely secure before I ventured in that direction. I didn't want any jealousies to pop in (and that's worked mostly -- hahaha).

Our paid membership on SLS has gone back to free, just because we have so many things going on this summer that we haven't had a lot of time to devote to "us" (three kids; two dogs; two cats; blah blah blah). And, we found that meeting folks and finding the right folks for us to meet is very time consuming ... HOURS at night on IM, etc., that we just haven't been able to devote. My only devotion these days is reading the board, which I do about every day. I'm too nosey and afraid I'll miss something!!

I enjoy the thought-provoking threads -- thanks for posting.

[blondie77]

Chiccup, great post!

1. Yes and No. For the first couple years we were together, swinging, threesomes, etc was something we talked about in the "heat of the moment" and fantasized about together. But once we decided this was something we wanted to pursue...it was only a matter of a month or so before we had our first mff.

2.Again, yes and no. Before we actually started swinging, we thought we had talked everything to death...but thinking back, what we were really doing was just talking out our fantasies. We didn't really think about worst case senerios or the what would happen if's. (This was all before we discovered this board, btw.). After our first, and not so good first time, we realized that if we were ever going to do THAT again, we needed to sit down and analyze, over analyze and talk everything out. We did some research on this board, had some serious heart to hearts, cried and laughed, and decided not to let one bad experience ruin what we thought could be a good thing for us.

3. I don't think there was any convincing on either one of our parts, although I'm the one who brought it up initially. (the female half) He wasn't against it at first, just very unsure. He had a lot of issues to deal with...he was very religiously brought up...and though I didn't have to convince him, he did have to work it out in his own head first. It was hard for him to admit he wanted this so much and still feel like a good person/husband. Once he realized that you could still be a good moral person and have a sex drive, it really helped him feel comfortable with it. Now that I think of it though, perhaps I did "convince" him...not to do it, but just to think about it. (Glad I did...tehee.) Now however, he's the one convincing me most of the time....hahaha. I created a monster! LOL

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by Chicup

1. Did any of you take the long multiyear path?
2. Did you analyze and re analyze the concept before deciding to do it?
3. Did you convince your wife (or husband) who was initially opposed to the concept?

New (4 months active) but so far successful swingers here...

1. No, we started talking around Christmas, started meeting people in February, and had our first full swap in March.

2. We talked a lot, but I don't think we beat any one subject to death. It was pretty much a straight line path from first discovering we were both interested, to talking about comfort levels, to situations, etc. Plus, a lot of our conversations were guided by this board.

One thing I've noticed in the above posts was that some couples started talking about it in the heat of their lovemaking at home. We didn't do that. It was all during regular conversation... getting ready for work in the morning, over dinner, etc.

3. It was my idea, and my husband was (to my amazement and delight) all for it. He was never jealous of any male friends I had when we were together, but until a few years ago it bothered him if I ever talked about sex with past boyfriends. So I thought he'd never be interested in swinging. I was wrong .

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

I guess we are a cross between the Dayhikers and the Beaverz..... I came looking for insight on communication and relationships, later asked that she join, read, maybe go to the library and form her own opinion. Later we could discuss our thoughts (that was my 05 Christmas present). From that point foward it has been on the To-do list, but there are a few aspects of life that need to be addressed first. A cross country relocation, some career manuvers, get the kids settled in their new environment. Only then we will move foward. At the present I tend to call it "Passively seeking Susan", not really looking, however if Karma sends some fun our way, we'll be ready

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by Chicup

1. Did any of you take the long multiyear path?
2. Did you analyze and re analyze the concept before deciding to do it?
3. Did you convince your wife (or husband) who was initially opposed to the concept?

1. No, we sort of 'fell into' it . We started getting frisky at a card game a few years back with my best friend and her hubby. THe first time was just innuendo but we were all kinda of turned on by it and then my best friend said that they wanted to do more if we were interested.

2. Nope. We talked about it once, a nice long conversation, until we were on the same page, then had a nice long conversation with the other couple until we were on the same page and it was on.

3. No convincing required. I approached him after I talked to my friend who brought up the question of 'were we interested'. He initially was surprised that I was so willing to try it out and then said he was game if I was.

It all worked out for us. We tend not to over analize stuff and we both tend to be very open and spontaneous, and we didn't feel some of the pressures that others might, such as regious teachings or social expeciations. I guess we have always marched to a different drum.

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by Chicup

So my questions to the successful swingers is:

1. Did any of you take the long multiyear path?
2. Did you analyze and re analyze the concept before deciding to do it?
3. Did you convince your wife (or husband) who was initially opposed to the concept?

1. Not really. After visiting a few strip clubs, one of the strippers asked Drew if we were swingers, which got us thinking: do we look like we COULD be swingers? It was maybe 6 months until we booked our first trip to Hedo, and we knew that we would probably have our first swinging experience while there. We did.

2. Nope. My biggest concern was that this all sounds fun in theory, but how would it actually be in the cold, hard light of day. But, we figured we'd never know unless we tried it.

3. Neither of us was against it, and although neither of us remembers the first time we ever brought it up (we'd actually talked about it in passing before the stripper asked us if we were), I don't think any convincing or "wearing down" occurred.

Pepper

[She_n_Jaybee]

Originally Posted by Chicup

1. Did any of you take the long multiyear path?
2. Did you analyze and re analyze the concept before deciding to do it?
3. Did you convince your wife (or husband) who was initially opposed to the concept?

1. 3 days after getting reacquainted (after 25 years of not laying eyes on each other with one exception 15 years earlier. We were classmates that never socialized. Small school, so we knew each other somewhat), and 3 days before our first date I mentioned my past swinging experience to She and my enjoyment of swing clubs. She wanted to know where one was and when could we go. It was something she'd talked about with a few friends, but never acted upon. She then told me she had always been attracted to women, but had also never had a bi experience. Two weeks later I took her to her first topless bar, and got her a lapdance. The next week was her first trip to a swing club. Two weeks after that our first swinging experience together.

2. Number 1 pretty much answers it all. It's been almost one year together, several successful encounters and each day together is better than the last.

3. It was more like, I had footprints up my back, because I didn't move fast enough.

[JustAskJulie]

The subject of this thread came up at dinner last night.... the idea of how some people sit and TALK about swinging literally for years and never do anything about it. I do wonder how many of those we see here that have been wanting to/ thinking about it for years... have actually really talked about with their partner in a serious manner, vs just talking about it in the heat of the moment and thinking that their partner would never be open to it in reality.

I was just looking at our SLS profile last night to see when we set that up it was in January of last year, just a year after we got together... so we'd been talking about swinging for about a year before we really started making an effort to do anything. I think we had actually gone to a couple of socials before we even set up our profile on SLS, just to let him get a sense of the people. Our situation is a little different since the topic of swinging came up pretty much from day one in our relationship... although not in the sense of it was something we were going to do or had to do but something that we had to at least be able to talk about.

I do wonder if there are many here who talked about it for years and then actually did it.