Divorce and Swinging

[capecoralcouple]

Hello all,
unfortunately my wife and I are getting divorced. Before anything else I want to say it has nothing to do with any swinging. We both enjoyed it and don't regret it. So the sex and swinginig were never teh problem.

My question is, is it possible or even recommended, to get back into swinging after a divorce? I don't think I'd want to do that as a single guy, but in the future I'd really love to get back into it. Do you think it would be weird to swing again with a different partner? What of couples I met with already? It would probably be incredibly awkward to meet again but this time with a different partner, so that would probably be out. Which is also sad cause now I think I'll never really see those friends again.

Any advice?

[discoandvyper]

My ex wife and I swung, if you would call it that. We'd go to the swinger club near our city and she'd take on all comers. I didn't get much action, but I was happy that she could get what she got, and she got a lot.

We divorced, and my current wife and I swing. The only real problem we ever had was that my current wife and my ex wife are both bi, and my ex wife used to bug us to have a threesome with her. Didn't happen, but it's something to watch out for.

I'd say meeting your ex in a club would be a bit uncomfortable, or if a new partner and you get bugged by your old partner... that'd be uncomfortable too.

Otherwise, there's no reason to stop living the lifestyle due to being a single male. Single males get plenty of action. They just don't get as much as couples or unicorns. We personally know two single males that would be on our list should my wife desire a single male for the night, and believe me that's a possibility at times. The trick is catching the couple/single female in the right mood for a single male.

[Pepper & Drew]

We have 2 friends who have stayed in swinging after their relationships broke up. In one case, the long-time girlfriend no longer plays, so no worries about her showing up at the next social. He's getting out and meeting new people and seems to play a lot. In the other case, he and his new girlfriend have played in a 3-some with the ex-wife. Yeah, I don't think most people would have THAT type of experience in swinging after the breakup of a relationship, but both show that you can still swing after divorce.

Pepper

[JnCC]

As a newly-single male, don't be surprised if the invitations to lifestyles events start drying up. Don't be bitter or angry if people you formerly thought of as "friends" don't return your calls...it's just the way it is when you're "stag." More often than not, they do that because they don't want to appear to be choosing sides between you and your ex-. Face it...you're the new "Loose Cannon" as far as they're concerned.

One of the best things my ex- and I did after our breakup was agree that we wouldn't continue in the lifestyle with anybody we'd known up to that point. We got into the lifestyle together, and we left it together. To my surprise, I was invited to several parties as a single male (there were also single females in attendence) but I politely declined. I'm sure she had offers as well (she was a real "Hottie" as lifestylers go...the right combination of looks and spirit) but as far as I know, she didn't play with anybody.

It was the right thing to do, under the circumstances.

After our separation, the very first time I did go to a club with someone else was one of the saddest nights of my life. I don't know how to describe it, but it just wasn't the same. Being in a swing club with somebody I barely knew (and to be honest about it, didn't even like all that much) just brought home to me some of the things I did like about my ex-, and some of the things that were lost to "us" forever.*

My recommendation to you would be to forget about swinging for the time being. Work on pursuing your own interests and getting your life back together. When you meet the "right" person to participate in this with, you'll know it. Until then, enjoy your newfound freedom...

* When I got home the next morning from our visit to the club, there was a message from the night before on my voice mail. It was from my ex-, asking how I was doing, said she'd been thinking a lot about me, and would I like to come over for the evening? I called her back and told her I was on my way...assuming the offer was still open.

Funny how that stuff happens, huh?

[DBL D]

Very Sweet JnCC! You are a thoughtful guy...intuitive too?

Male D

[BiWoman33]

JnCc has the best perspective- you really need to tend to yourself, and then, when you are ready, tend to a good relationship with a woman, and then think about swinging. I waited almost 10 years to get into it as a single woman....the memories are very strong. Best wishes.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by capecoralcouple

Hello all,
unfortunately my wife and I are getting divorced. Before anything else I want to say it has nothing to do with any swinging. We both enjoyed it and don't regret it. So the sex and swinginig were never teh problem.

My question is, is it possible or even recommended, to get back into swinging after a divorce? I don't think I'd want to do that as a single guy, but in the future I'd really love to get back into it. Do you think it would be weird to swing again with a different partner? What of couples I met with already? It would probably be incredibly awkward to meet again but this time with a different partner, so that would probably be out. Which is also sad cause now I think I'll never really see those friends again.

Any advice?

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this. Divorce can't be easy even if it's an equitable situation. There will always be those moments that occur as in JnCC's case where you remember the good times. Sometimes, I figure, it can work out that you are better together after you've been together. JnCC, I'd like to know how that evening turned out. Was it as good as it could be or did you get into discussions about what happened to cause your separation?

To your question though...I can't imagine that you would like to go to the vanilla world after swinging. I'd probably suggest that you go to dances that cater to singles and find a match that way. Why go through all the wondering. Since this turns out to be a big feature of my life, I'd look for a great gal within the lifestyle myself.

All of this is pure supposition on my part. I will be with my wife till death...mine before hers.

Male D

[WesternSwing]

JnCC has some great advice for taking care of yourself first, which is the most important. I can see how it would be hard to go back to a vanilla lifestyle too.

I would think if you have a wide circle of friends in the lifestyle that if any play with single males they may consider you since you already know the score. Our favorite single male was in the lifestyle with his ex and all around he is a great guy, in the bedroom or at a BBQ. Just play it cool.

Good luck. I'll send some good Juju you're way.

Mr. WS

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by DBL D

JnCC, I'd like to know how that evening turned out. Was it as good as it could be or did you get into discussions about what happened to cause your separation?

The evening turned out as it usually does for us...great sex, twice. (Once, after Leno's monologue is over, then again around 5 A.M.) Sex was never the problem for us...that part of our relationship was always good. Still is, in fact, when we have it. But meeting a little late in life (I was in my early 40's, she was a couple years older) didn't give us the "history" that carries some couples through hard times. We'd had a few problems in the year before we separated, but nothing that was earth-shattering or deal-breaking. Then, at a time when I thought we were past most of our problems, I guess she decided we weren't. She started hitting the bottle, and I started hitting the bars. The next thing I knew, she was picking out colors for her new condo, and I was spending a lot of time in Florida commiserating with the husband of one of our former lifestyle-couples friends.

There was a time about 6 months after our separation when we considered a reconciliation, but by then, her kids were dropping grandbabies all over the place, and I was starting to get used to...even enjoy...the thought of being single again. Being "happily single" makes the question of "being a single in the lifestyle" redundant. If it's "action" you're looking for, there's as much or more on this side of the fence as there is in the lifestyle.

She and I are still on good terms. She lives about 2 miles down the road, definitely a GILF (with heavy emphasis on the "Grandma" part), and "off the sauce" completely for almost 6 months now. She's asked me to write her a profile she can use on Match.com., but I don't know if I'm ready for that.

What do we do if our names keep popping up on each others "Here are your Matches!" list?

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by JnCC

She's asked me to write her a profile she can use on Match.com., but I don't know if I'm ready for that.

What do we do if our names keep popping up on each others "Here are your Matches!" list?

Yikes! as a former Match.com member, I know what you mean about the "matches" list! Perhaps you two can agree to use separate vanilla dating sites, so that won't happen??

My hubby and I met years ago through Match.com. At that time, and beyond, neither of us had ever been swingers (or thought we ever would be). We were just normal vanillas looking for love.

I imagine that being a swinger and former married swinger, dating on a vanilla site could be tricky for you? How do you weed through the majority of women on there who are vanilla and plan to always be, in the hopes of meeting somebody with the same interests as you? Do you look for "dating" through other sites also, like AFF? I'm just very curious. I've often wondered what singles do in this situation.

Best wishes to you!

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

I imagine that being a swinger and former married swinger, dating on a vanilla site could be tricky for you? How do you weed through the majority of women on there who are vanilla and plan to always be, in the hopes of meeting somebody with the same interests as you?

That's a good question! Kinda like asking how two turtles find each other in the woods, when it's hard for me to go out there and find even one? The answer is, that part of the process of "finding" someone consists of leaving signals that will make it easier for them to find you.

For example, my profile has some language in it that alludes, somewhat tangentally, to my past experiences...both sexual and otherwise. Without going into the specific details, it lets people know what I've done, and that I would do it again, if and when the right person to do it with comes along. It's my hope that any woman who has had experience in the Lifestyle (or some curiousity about it or any other sexual activity) will be able to read between the lines and know exactly where I'm coming from. To wit, that finding a swing partner is not my primary "goal" in this, but rather an option that would be available to us in any future relationship.

(Interestingly, I have been seeing a woman who has profiles running concurrently on both SLS, SN, and Match.com. We've spent several very enjoyable weekends together, including a couple visits to nude recreational areas, but have yet to visit a swing club together even though there are several within an hour of here. She has a friend of the opposite sex that she attends clubs with (as do I), but "we" have never done this together, despite the fact that we met via a lifestyle-related message board. How's that for irony?)

I regard a personals ad as a flirtation, expressed via written word rather than a fleeting glance or comment. As with any flirtation, subtlety is the key. When a woman reads my profile, the reaction that I'm hoping for is not "Hey, this guy's probably a swinger!" I would much rather have her think..."Hey, this guy sounds like fun! I'll bet he wouldn't freak out if I told him that I'd like to........."

Apparently, the ad is working, because I've had a surprising number of positive responses to it. So many so that, when I hear somebody say "Where can I meet a woman to swing with?," I just shake my head in bewilderment. I've come to the belief that women who are curious about this lifestyle, multiple and/or same-sex partners, and alternate sexuality in general are far more common than I once thought. As a result, I've "ratcheted up" my expectations for a potential partner. They don't get as many "points" simply for being a swinger as they did before.

I have seen a few women's profiles on Match that mention "swinging" specifically, but they are very few and far between. They were not posted by women I would be interested in, if not for their mention of swinging.

Do you look for "dating" through other sites also, like AFF? I'm just very curious. I've often wondered what singles do in this situation.

No. To be honest, I don't know how much good they would do me. As I said, there's no shortage of open-minded and/or "previously lifestyle-experienced" women out there, nor is it difficult with just a little "tweaking" of ones profile to find them. Which leaves open the question of what the differences are between women who have ads on AFF vs. a vanilla site...a discussion better left to another thread.

On the other hand, my profile on the vanilla site has been viewed almost 4,000 times in the last 19 months. I haven't kept track of how many "winks" or notes I've received (I rarely initiate contact), but it's probably between 60 and 80. Almost all have led, at the minimum, to an exchange of phone numbers and a call. About half the calls lead to meeting for a drink or cup of coffee, with about half of those to a true "first date." Almost all of those dates lead, eventually, to...well, I'm sure you get my point.

The internet has changed the way we "shop" for people as much as the automobile changed the way our grandparents shopped for goods and services. We no longer have to "settle" for what's convenient, close-by, or "available from local stock." Finding a "45-55 year old female of curvy build, who is looking for a partner and/or playmate with whom to expand her horizons, or to explore those with which she is already familiar" is relatively easy.

MUCH easier than finding a turtle in the woods...

[2jersey]

We are sooooo impressed with the single males who post on this board - JnCC and Thrax are worthy of individual mention and gratitude.

[sexyshelby]

Dito



~SS

[DBL D]

I agree 2jersey...They are good. Remember EternallySingle? Another good one.

Thanks for the reply JnCC. I wouldn't think you'd get into somethng that looked bad after all but it was great to see that you both have come to terms with things and hope it continues to happen every so often.

M.D.

[sexyshelby]

Originally Posted by DBL D

I agree 2jersey...They are good. Remember EternallySingle? Another good one.

Yep, he's good. And let's not forget Curiousagain.

Ok, I'm done praising all the single men....for today anyway.

~SS