cheating but honest

[fun4Ds]

we saw a profile that stated we are married but not to each other. ok no problem would pass it on by. now we are approached by a cpl that seemed ok by their profile and they wanted to chat. so rite off the bat he tells us that she is married to someone and her husband knows that she is seeing someone but he dosent know who it is because hes an alcoholic and cant stand on his own. and he just wanted to be honest rite from the start. WTF. ok so we ask are you havin alot of luck with this approach? he says oh yea we go mainly to clubs and have a met some cpls who are ok with this . so i tell him that we know alot of people in the area and we are pissed that he would have decived us with his profile that he needs to change it. off he went to the ignore list so by e mail he says that in fact they did change their profile. by god he did. even says that after chating with someone they decided to change their profile so they clould be more honest with people as for us we dont want in this situation.does anyone see this at clubs? we would be pissed if we played with someone and found out after the fact we were lied to. is this becoming more common ? just venting about it i guess.

[BiloxiCouple]

We aren't here for that kind of drama. Negative drama is well.....

We try to have fun. Not perfect all the time.

We have met people who say they are "cheating" in a swing club. That is a real conversation ender for us. Among other things that are also a conversation ender.

[meandher2go]

if we know upfront, we dont care. we are NOT the marriage police. but after we have been involved with a couple or single, we would cut it off right there.

[DBL D]

Well it's not supposed to be cheating if all parties know what's happening, so if that word even came up it would spell the end. The problem becomes one where there is just a little too much detective work involved.

We asked for committed couples only in our profile. We know that some will be disingenuous and so that is why looking at how the couple interacts with each other is important.

M.D.

[sexyshelby]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

we saw a profile that stated we are married but not to each other.

I wouldn't have a problem with this...at least in theory. As long as all adults are aware of the situation and ok with it, then why not.

However, the problem is how to know that everyone knows and is ok with the situation. It would be hard to prove that both other spouses know.

~SS

[WesternSwing]

Dito We've ran into a similar situation where a "couple" attends parties together but are acutally married to other people. They haven't in quite awhile though and through the grapevine I hear they are both now single... Tells you something, huh?

Mr. WS

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

as for us we dont want in this situation.does anyone see this at clubs? we would be pissed if we played with someone and found out after the fact we were lied to. is this becoming more common ?

I'm a single male, but I attend a club about once a month with a female friend. We're always very open and upfront about our situation...both divorced, dating about a year, although not, "strictly speaking," exclusively...definitely not living together and NO plans for marriage.

That's what we tell them, because that's what's true. But in fact, I could be a married man with 6 kids and a sickly wife at home, and she could be my secretary, who attends clubs with me because she has a husband and kids at home also...and wants to keep her job. In a club environment, the short amount of time we actually chat with somebody before deciding whether to join them in the hot tub or a room would make it difficult for most people to tell the difference. Still, we seem to suffer no shortage of offers to play with other couples.

We're always hearing about how "phony" people can be on the internet, but people in clubs can be almost as phony. The only things they can't lie about in a club all have to do with their appearance. If it's really important to you that the single person be truly single, or the married couple be married to each other, you're going to have to do some work. Get to know some personal details about them, like where they live, what kind of work they do, how they met, their kids ages and where they go to school, etc. You can't do that in a club, and you can't do that on a computer. In fact, I seriously doubt you can do that at all, unless you've been into their home.

If a person isn't willing to share a few personal details about themselves with you, you might want to think about whether you ought to be sharing your bodies with them.

[fun4Ds]

maby im not clear , both couples are up front that they are in fact hiding from their SO. ie. we cant entertain clubs and motels or your home would have to be the way to go.but we want to be honest . just wondering if other people around the world are finding that more in the lifestyle.and if so would you swing with them?

[WesternSwing]

We haven't been approached to play with any couples in this situation, although as mentioned we've seen some in the lifestyle. I would have to say we would not play with them. Although we are not the "marriage police" we do have to feel good about ourselves in the morning, and we've both been cheated on and know the pain it causes.

Mr. WS

[SrKnight]

My wife and I have never yet run into this but in our case I don't think we'd be interested at all. We tend to have sex only with couples we have gotten to know and have built up a friend-type relationship with in the first place. However, we have participated with couples new to us at private house parties and the thought never crossed our minds as yet. Hmmm... very interesting thought provoking topic.


Stay Sexy and have a Great Knight

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

maby im not clear, both couples are up front that they are in fact hiding from their SO...just wondering if other people around the world are finding that more in the lifestyle?

I don't know if there's "more" of them now because I don't have anything to compare it to. But unmarried couples are not uncommon at most of the clubs I've been to. Whether they're married to other people or not is something that is almost impossible to determine from just one meeting at a club.

if so would you swing with them?

Almost anytime a couple meets another couple or a single at a club and parties with them that same night, it's safe to assume that no matter what they say their feelings are about the subject, the fact is that they don't much care.

[The Fuse]

By coincidence, just today a couple like this wrote to us on SLS. Her profile plainly said "MWM" about him and "SWF" about her, and he had his own profile as a single male. We declined politely, while telling them we wouldn't knowingly become involved with a couple where one half was cheating on someone. We have no urge to end up in court or be part of someone's pain.

Before someone points out that we only knew about their situation because they were honest about it, I'll just say sure, of course that's true. I think since we have the information, we're obligated to respond to it. They will find someone else, but that's their business (and his wife's), but not ours. They could have hidden it, but we don't control what they do-- only what we do.

If we come across a couple who claim to be married to each other but aren't, I don't think we're obligated to be private detectives either. If the signs are there, we will challenge them (politely) and if we get a bad feeling, we simply won't play.

On the other hand, if a couple aren't married to each other but aren't cheating on someone else either, that is fine as long as they are both fine with swinging together. They don't have to be in a committed relationship, as long as they are secure with each other. They could be lying of course, but the main point is that our obligation stops at a certain point. We're not going to ignore what is right in front of us or what we suspect, but we're not obligated to be detectives either.

Each couple or single will handle this type of situation in their own way, and draw their own lines.

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

we don't control what they do-- only what we do.

Perfect. At the end of the day, we're all responsible for our own actions. Does the "cheating" couple get kudos for being honest? Hmmmm ... they're still not who we're interested in playing with; and if we got weird vibes, that would be it, too.

We recently met a couple that didn't seem at all interested in getting to know what was in our heads just what was in our pants -- they weren't forthcoming about who they were, and it just made us feel like they were hiding something. We took control of our actions, or inactions in this case.

There seems to be a wide range of acceptable behavior in the swinger world, just as it is in the vanilla world. For each his own, I reckon. And I'm sure these folks will find what they're looking for.

[fun4Ds]

i guess we are seeing some good responses. we are pretty much a to each their own kind of couple. our 26 yrs together have seen some pretty ugly divorces. we are not swing police but when we told them we know alot of people in this area we ment that we wouldnt want to be involved because we like to entertain at home. sometimes estranged spouses do hire detectives, it does happen. it would suck to get in to that situation.walking out the door of a club or your home to find a pissed of spouse. we have no problems with singels swinging or cpls swinging seperate.we just noticed that twice its been a single guy makin the arrangements to help a women who is married still, hook up. we are wise enough to pass them up for now.. just wondering if it was nation wide.

[intuition897]

We have a problem with people who are deceiving their spouses, for many reasons.
1) We can't respect their lack of integrity (which is a turn-off)
2) We wouldn't trust someone who is lying to their own spouse to tell a complete stranger the truth about anything (like about having a disease, for example).
3) We don't want the potential drama of an extremely disturbed spouse on our doorstep holding a shotgun.
4) We don't want to create an opportunity for someone to disrespect OUR marriage by attempting to cosy up to one or the other of us on the sly. It makes no difference to our marriage, but it just sucks that our respect for a person would have to sink that much lower.
5) We value other people's marriages, too. In that sense, we don't mind playing Brother's Keeper...at least as far as not allowing ourselves to be the tool that some jackass (male OR female) uses to screw over his/her marriage. If he/she wants to do that, let the blood be on someone else's hands. We'll have no part of it.

Now things brings me to another point: what if they lie to us? Well, that just can't be helped. All we can do is have our bullshit detectors functioning and do our best to sniff them out. The onus IS on the other person to be truthful with us. Of course this isn't a foolproof system, and it's possible that cheaters can slip under the radar, but they'd need to be pretty devious. No, we are NOT Big Brother, and we will NOT police others' marriages. It's simply none of our business, but we do expect others to take care of their shit at home. If they can assure us that they do not have a spouse that they are deceiving at home, and we feel confident that they are telling the truth about that...what else can we do? Hire a PI? We care, but we refuse to babysit people.