different boundaries / standards with different couples who know each other

[lindyswing]

There's a lot of threads that discuss how to graciously say no thank you when you simply aren't interested in doing anything at all with a particular couple. I'm wondering about whether anyone else faces the more complicated situation of having different standards/interests in the arrangements you have with different couples...especially when they know each other. Here's my current dilemma:
I'm bi-curious, but haven't explored it much yet. I'm rather picky about the girls I'm interested in. I'm interested in girls who remind me of myself, in terms of height, weight, shape, face & personality. I'm not interested in girls who are much skinnier than me, taller than me, heavier than me, etc. So Couple A's female is much taller and heavier than me...I'm not interested in bi-play with her, but my hubby likes her lots. We have already done a separate room full swap with Couple A, and would like to continue doing separate room full swaps with them...I'd prefer to never do same-room play with Couple A. Couple A introduced us to Couple B. Couple B's female is my type of girl...I'm very interested in bi-play with her and would be up for same-room if that's their thing. How should I navigate having these different boundaries/interests with 2 couples where we are all friends? Like if we say to Couple A, our interest is separate room swap, but then they find out we've done same-room play with Couple B, they'll be like, "WTF, you said you only wanted separate room and you weren't comfortalbe with bi-play!" I know that ideally, everyone is discreet and they don't breathe a word that could be even close to kissing and telling....but I think it's likely that Couple B would innocently let information slip because we're all friendly. Or we may all 6 of us be hanging out at some point, like we were when we met Couple B, and the conversation might naturally get into what's happened between us all...you know how people are when they flirt.

I don't really want to be like, "Couple B, can you not tell Couple A that we've been doing same-room with you because we don't want to do same-room with them?" but maybe I'm wrong...maybe that would be a good idea. Or maybe I should be honest with Couple A and let it be clear that our separate-room interest and my disinterest in bi-play is not necessarily a boundary with other couples. Or maybe we should just negotiate our different interests with each couple separately, and if they find out we have different standards for each of them, cross that bridge when we come to it? If we wait to cross the bridge, how do we get safely to the other side?

I've also got similar issues with my willingness to play alone with guys. I only get so much play alone with guys time...because I have more opportunities to play alone than my hubby does. So I have a few select guys I most want to play alone with, the ones I like the absolute best....there's other guys whom I like a lot, but I'm only interested if my hubby is going to get play time with the other wife....I don't want to waste one of my limited play-alone times on them ...what do I say if they ask me if I play alone?

[sexyshelby]

If someone asks you to do anything that you are not comfortable with, you say, "no thanks".

Is there a reason why you are not doing the same room with the one couple? Same room wouldn't necessarily mean that you have to have bi-fem play.

But I see no reason why you couldn't have different boundaries with different couples. It may be a bit uncomfotable if they find out, but hopefully you can just explain to them and make them understand.
Personally, if I was Couple A and found out about B, I might feel a little upset that you weren't attracted to me at first. But that would pass as long as all were friendly about it. It's not like you're saying she's an ugly dog and don't want to go anywhere near her...right?

Just be polite, diplomatic and honest.

~SS

[EvilMJ]

Here's the thing about swinging for me. Everyone is different, I treat everyone different. If you only want to have a separate room swap with couple A, then that is between you and couple A.

If they have questions as to why you don't do same room with them I would be honest and say that you are comfortable with what you are doing right now. You can also tell her that you just don't want to particpate in a bi relationship with her for the reasons you stated. I don't think it is offensive to tell someone that you are attracted to a certain type of person. You have to develop a thick skin while swinging and understand that you are not always going to be someone's cup of tea.

Every realtionship I have is different. Some couples we play with are same room only straight swap, some I play with the female. I even have one where i play with them but my husband does not. No one gets offended. I also do not give details of what happens between myself/hubby and another couple. I believe in being discrete. This is not high school, it is unlikely they are going to storm in on you and ask why you are doing something with the other couple and not them.

If someone asks you if you play alone you need to tell them it depends on the situation, the people, and the discussion between you and your husband. You don't have to say "I only do ..." you can tell people when they ask you what you are into or looking for, that it varies and be honest as to what you want from them. Then you don't have to feel like you are lying to people.

[Mike and Jan]

OK folks, one of the nice things about swinging is being able to be so open with friends. Let's all make it clear from the first contact with someone new that we'll all be totally honest and open and try not to have our feelings hurt.

If you're just not into BBW or too skinny just say it upfront!

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by Mike and Jan

OK folks, one of the nice things about swinging is being able to be so open with friends. Let's all make it clear from the first contact with someone new that we'll all be totally honest and open and try not to have our feelings hurt.

If you're just not into BBW or too skinny just say it upfront!

Exactly!

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Mike and Jan

OK folks, one of the nice things about swinging is being able to be so open with friends. Let's all make it clear from the first contact with someone new that we'll all be totally honest and open and try not to have our feelings hurt.

If you're just not into BBW or too skinny just say it upfront!

I agree, at least in the spirit. I mean, you may not want to hurt someone's else feelings, so insthead of talking about what you dislike from her, you may just talk about the "chemistry" you feel with the other gal (chemistry is a nice wildcard here, you don't need to give further explanations, it is there or it isn't).

[JustAskJulie]

I just ran across this thread and I wondered if there are others who have different boundaries/rules with different couples? I know in each situation we may all run across couples where we aren't comfortable for some reason doing certain things with a certain couple but might do other things. So do you have some couples that you will do some things with and some couples that you will do more with?

[SCcpl40]

We equally enjoy all couples the same regardless of race, religion, education or social status, and we we're treated that way too. It's easy to spot those who have hang ups or have a higher regard for themselves.

[sweet_tna]

So far, we haven't run into this situation. But I can see where I might be more comfortable doing certain things when playing with one couple that I wouldn't be with another. So you just have to be honest and direct. "We treat every couple individually," seems to me to be a good initial answer to any queries.

=)

[ncmd_couple]

I hadn't really thought about this until it was brought up. But yes, we have different relationships with different people. There is an old friend of Lee's that we have had threesomes with that are no holds barred. We have an old friend of mine that is a lady that is the same. We have a couple that we play with that are also very open. But if we met someone new at a club, yeah, it would be full protection and everything. Of course we have different boundaries depending on who they are.

S

[Tia Vampire]

We feel the same way as lindyswing. There are double standards for certain couples. It depends on how attracted and comfortable we are to the couple. We will do things with a couple that we are both attracted to and feel comfortable with than what we would do with a couple that he is not as attracted to or comfortable with the woman half or where i'm not as attracted to or feel comfortable with the male half.


I've also told my SO what i'd look for in a gf if I was to become bi. My ideal gf would also share many of my features. She would be short like me, same size breast or smaller (atleast a c-cup), medium size or smaller, some ass, but not a shelf hanging off the back of her, big thighs, beautiful smile, a great sense of humor, and a delightful person to be around always.

[MRnMSbhaven]

We too have different "guidelines" with different couples. There are simply some people we're more comfortable with than others. I'm comfortable enough with Mr. B to do any number of "interesting" things that I will NOT do with our play partners. Just because I eat one type of soup with a spoon doesn't mean I won't eat another with a fork.

So how do you deal with it? We simply explain to the couples we play with that we do "X" type of play in general and "Z" type of play is negotiable depending on the couple and comfort factor. We also let them know that if we want "Z" type of play with them we will clearly say so. We haven't run into a problem yet and no one has asked why we do or don't play a certain way with them.

Hope that helps.

Ms B

[goindown692010]

Good job bhaven.... i agree with her...the problem with some ppl though....is they take it personal...instead of having a happy go lucky attitude..which i find works more often then not...

[pervgeeks]

We have different guideline and we've only been in the lifestyle six months. We've only fullswapped with one couple thus far and the female half and I are on such a similar wavelength, I don't have much in terms of limits with her. We had another great soft experience with another couple we're considered going full the next time we play. For me, I identify as bi more than bi-curious. I need to be attracted to both members of a couple before I'd want to play with them. If I weren't attracted to the woman I wouldn't want us to play with the couple.

I guess if I were in your position, I'd just say something along the lines of "I rarely play with other women" to those you aren't into playing with.

[Pepper & Drew]

Yep, we sure do have different "rules" with some couples. There are a few couples, whom we trust their judgement, that we have played with sans condoms. We've asked those couples to use condoms when we're at parties, because we don't want to have to explain why couple A doesn't have to use condoms with us, but you, couple B, do.

There's couples that we've slept with, literally. We wouldn't do that with everyone. There's couples we've played with separately (ie, being the 3rd in a threesome), couples that we've done BDSM play with, and couples that we've been very adventurous with (dp, etc). Pretty much, we have very different boundaries with different couples, depending on our level of trust.

Pepper