When "nice people" aren't nice

[LikeMinds321]

In this thread a photographer who a couple met at a club, seemed like "an extremely nice guy" and turned out not to be.

The thread upset me because I hate to see trusting people get taken. Yet, I understand that bad experiences are how we often learn our best lessons in life.

As swingers, we have to use as much caution--maybe more--as we use in our everyday business and social world. When we swing, we open ourselves to others in a unique way. It makes us vulnerable to people who cruise swinger's habitats looking to take advantage of us. This includes clubs, swingers bars, ad sites, and internet forums.

For me, my biggest lesson came when I realized after being taken advantage of, it was usually because I was raised to be nice to people who were nice to me. I made the wrong presumption that if people acted nice, they were someone I could trust.

I eventually learned that the slickest users and most dangerous people are those who know how to warm you up, play nice, and get your trust.

This is not to say that all nice people are bad. Not at all. But there is a difference between genuinely nice people and those who play nice.

I can now spot the difference between the two. If you asked me what to look for it would be hard to explain. It is a feeling that comes from the gut. There are body language cues I get from people that protect me from being taken in by these "nice people" as well as things they say and do.

I'd like to hear from swingers who have advice to new swingers, in particular young or very trusting folks, who could use some guidance in the swing world so that they can avoid being taken advantage of or getting hurt.

If you have a life's lesson to share that wised you up about the swing world, please do.

Are there "red flags" that appear when you meet a person that seems too nice to be real?

LM

[Nymph an' Satyr]

I'm a human resource guy. A practiced cynic in all human relations. Where you instinctively trust people- I instinctively do not Been lied to, and lied to, and lied to so many times......

I look for motivation in all actions, and view things very cautiously. It's not "guilty until proven innocent"- but it's certainly not "innocent until proven guilty" either.

There is such a thing as healthy cynicism- I prefer to think of it as realism

[dutch51]

Originally Posted by Nymph an' Satyr

I look for motivation in all actions, and view things very cautiously. It's not "guilty until proven innocent"- but it's certainly not "innocent until proven guilty" either.

There is such a thing as healthy cynicism- I prefer to think of it as realism

That sounds a lot like my hubby. I, on the other hand, usually give people the benefit of the doubt more than I should. We've been burned before, and one time were so blindsided that we were both in shock. We try to take each encounter- good and bad- as a learning experience. And the more couples we've talked to, the better we've gotten at fine-tuning that radar that picks up the red flags. Now admittedly, hubby reads people better than I do (but I am improving!), but there's the added dimension of dealing with a couple's personality as well as two individuals that sometimes still throws us.

You really do have to learn to trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. You may not understand why, but it is enough to have the feeling. There was this one couple we were talking to last year that we both liked, and hubby was excited about them because he really connected with both of them. I liked them too, but after a couple online conversations, something just didn't sit right with me. Turned out I was right- she ended up getting too attached to hubby and they were having marital trouble. The thing was, I got this feeling before anything became evident. So, trust your or your mate's instinct. And stay objective, no matter how much you like a couple, you have to be able to evaluate a situation at any point because sometimes things change.

The other thing is communication. We always stress the importance of communication between spouses, but it is also important to have communication between couples. Motivation is an important thing to consider, like mentioned earlier, because not everyone is looking for the same thing.

The best advice we can give is trust your gut and let everything be a learning experience you can apply to the next couple you meet or the next playtime you have.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by dutch51

And stay objective, no matter how much you like a couple, you have to be able to evaluate a situation at any point because sometimes things change.

This is so true.

We discovered just how true after we swung with a couple.

Afterward, driving home, Mr LM and I both brought up something that bothered us about the man. The red flag moment occurred before any clothes had come off or play had started, yet we didn't discuss it with each other. Why didn't we? Because neither of us felt we could back out at that point.

We were so wrong. Swingers can always back out at any time.

The evening of play went just fine. But we suspect something about the man that doesn't make us feel good about having played with him. We won't play with the couple again because of our suspicions.

We set a new rule that night: Always take a "time out," no matter how good the evening is going, if one of us gets a gut feeling about something not being right. We'll step into another room for privacy to discuss what's on our mind. Better that than have regrets eating at you the next day.

LM

[DandS]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

We set a new rule that night: Always take a "time out," no matter how good the evening is going, if one of us gets a gut feeling about something not being right. We'll step into another room for privacy to discuss what's on our mind. Better that than have regrets eating at you the next day.

LM

LM, what a great piece of advice, something we had to learn the hard way.
D

[LikeMinds321]

I was looking through old threads using the "Text Version" of the Board and this thread title caught my eye so I opened it...what do ya know, it's a thread I started. I have forgotten most of the threads I start so it is nice to happen upon them now and then, if only to see what I was thinking a couple years ago.

I'd like to see if we can get more discussion on the topic of "nice people" who aren't so nice and how it can affect your swinging experience.

LM

[JustAskJulie]

Odd that you brought this back when you did. As I was reading this thread I kept thinking how it was a perfect example.