How likely are newbies to be successful at swinging?

[Spoomonkey]

I posted some time ago about how we see so many "newbies" come into the the lifestyle with all the right intentions, only to go off the deep end. Soemtimes, the deep end is where they are comfortable being (good for them!), but sometimes we've seen them just unravel and end up dropping out - either because swinging just isn't for them (best case scenario) or because their "dabbling" has left them damaged.

So - I have a three part question:

1. Based on your experience, what percentage of folks entering the lifestyle actually stick it out for more than a year?

2. How many couples (percentage-wise) have you seen damaged by their involvement in the lifestyle? (It does, unfortunately, happen - and we see it even her in our forums)

3. What is the most common "newbie" mistake that these couples make?

I am not asking this as a way to slam newbies. Far from it! Rather, I think this will be a great place to share with curious newbies what mistakes they need to avoid.

Spoomonkey

[Pinmonkey]

It looks like we are dropping out. It's probably been about a year and half since we were actively looking. For us meeting people turned out to be a huge pain in the rump. If it happens again, it does. If it doesn't, well that's fine too. I know we've made some mistakes, such as meeting people too soon... but moving too slow when it came down to brass tax. I don't think we were "damaged" from our experiances. Soured maybe, but not damages.

[JustAskJulie]

Most of my experience in dealing with newbies has come from this site and running it for going on 8 years now. I can't really answer number 1 because there's really no way to know for sure. So many people find their way here and then dissapear but there's no way to know if they leave because they got the info they wanted and went off and had an astounding time swinging or because they eventually discovered swinging wasn't for them.

Of those who have found their way here as well as those I've encountered in real life, I'd have to say that the percentage of those who ended up damaging their relationship over swinging was small. Most of those I've dealt with who actually tried it, even if they decided it wasn't for them came out ok. The higher number of relationships I've seen damaged and actually end up falling apart over swinging were usually ones where one partner wanted it and the other partner did not. The partner that wanted to swing kept pushing it to the breaking point basically deciding on their own that swinging was more important than their relationship - another good reason not to push.
I think the most common newbie mistakes I've seen are a)the interested party not knowing when to shut up and leave their partner alone - when to realize that sometimes a fantasy should just be a fantasy. b)situations where both couples are interested but fail to properly establish boundaries and/or try to move too fast to the point where when partner feels uncomfortable they aren't able to realize it and stop before it becomes a problem.

[good times]

First I would like to say good question, I hope we get some input from the members that have been into swinging for a while because I think their experience might help some of the newbie’s coming here avoid the common mistakes.

For our part we have only been involved in swinging for a little over a year actively. So we haven't really much experience to draw on to answer these questions. Questions one and two I don't really know the answers two but we have seen plenty newbie mistakes that I can relate.

I think the most common newbie mistake we see is couples that haven't really communicated with each other what they are expecting and what their limits are. This is usually pretty obvious because we will see them show up at the club and at first they are all wide eyed and excited but pretty soon one of them will do something that the other one doesn't view as appropriate and their mood and interaction with each other will take an obvious turn for the worse.

This is closely followed, and may be related to the people who we see that one of the couple is way more into it than the other and, it's hard to tell the difference once their mood digresses to the point that it is obvious to others they are having issues. Whether this is a case of one partner talking the other into something they really don't want to do, or a couple that comes to the club and one of the couple gets into it and the other doesn't is also hard to tell. But we have seen it often enough to know that it is a recurring newbie mistake.

[growgirl]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I posted some time ago about how we see so many "newbies" come into the the lifestyle with all the right intentions, only to go off the deep end. Soemtimes, the deep end is where they are comfortable being (good for them!), but sometimes we've seen them just unravel and end up dropping out - either because swinging just isn't for them (best case scenario) or because their "dabbling" has left them damaged.

So - I have a three part question:

1. Based on your experience, what percentage of folks entering the lifestyle actually stick it out for more than a year?

2. How many couples (percentage-wise) have you seen damaged by their involvement in the lifestyle? (It does, unfortunately, happen - and we see it even her in our forums)

3. What is the most common "newbie" mistake that these couples make?

I am not asking this as a way to slam newbies. Far from it! Rather, I think this will be a great place to share with curious newbies what mistakes they need to avoid.

Spoomonkey

1. Since we've been swinging for less than a year, I don't think I'm qualified to answer the first question.

2. Haven't seen any actual damage, just damage-to-be. We tend to disqualify couples that aren't in a LTR (married or not) and distance ourselves immediately from people that have communication/control issues as we've found this is where the problems come from. I think swinging only exacerbates any existing relationship problems just due to the highly emotional nature of sex.

3. I think the most common mistake we've seen is jumping at the first opportunity. Swinging for swingings sake - thinking you'll never get another chance, especially if a couple has had a few meet-ups that weren't a "click". We went through a small version of this, mostly because I was thinking I was too damn picky. Every couple we met when we first started going out and trying to meet others in the lifestyle, I rejected because of the male. What is it with the fat-cat businessman look? The flourescent tan, the smug "I'm so rich I don't need to take care of myself" look? The male half of one couple we went to dinner with went on and on and on about his antique porsche and how much $$$ it cost. All I was thinking was if he'd spent half that $$ on getting his teeth fixed and taking classes on how to shut up once in a while he'd be so much better off. I jokingly said we should start looking for single guys with girlfriends since they're the only men who still care about how they look (except for growguy, but who knows what would happen if I didn't keep up on him!). But then, along came a nice cute couple and now another nice cute couple (hopefully - crossing my fingers) and dammit if we haven't got ourselves a hot little group. So, that's my helpful newbie advice - DON'T SETTLE!

Growgirl

[xxoticangel]

After swinging for about 7 years we have seen many couples come and go. This is our opinion based on our expierences.

1. Based on your experience, what percentage of folks entering the lifestyle actually stick it out for more than a year?

I would guess around 20-30% are still in the lifestyle after one year. Just an educated guess based on the number of people we have met at various swinger events that we never saw or heard from again.

2. How many couples (percentage-wise) have you seen damaged by their involvement in the lifestyle?

We have only met one couple that split up after swinging that one (she) blamed swinging for the break up. As for damaged but salvaged relationships? Anything negative damages a relationship to some degree. My wife had one swinging encounter with her ex and his brothers and their wives (related in another thread) and he never go over it and always brought up what a slut she was when they had a fight. (guess that makes the it two).

3. What is the most common "newbie" mistake that these couples make?

Either not establishing rules/limits, breaking established rules/limits, not communicating their honest thoughts and feelings about swinging, or not listening to their partner's thoughts and feelings about swinging.

[northindycpl]

Originally Posted by xxoticangel

not communicating their honest thoughts and feelings about swinging, or not listening to their partner's thoughts and feelings about swinging.

Dito!

That is the mistake I see most often. We are stil newbies really, and communication is the thing we struggle with constantly, because we must take the time to do it for each other. Mr. Indy and I are both 'discussers'. When we don't take enough time together to talk about things, then I feel disconnected. It isn't bad communication mind you, it is lack of throughly explaining things; points of view, interests, etc.. It takes a lot of listening without judgment to know how someone is going to think and feel about a certian situation. I think it only comes from good, trusted, frank communications.

From the lack of communications, I see newer couples just jump in without rules, and inevitably, someone gets upset. Or better yet, I see newer couples, afraid to communicate a desire to their spouse, and that really worries me!

[Just_us49]

Being somewhat of a newbie I appreciate the comments from those a little further down the road than we are.

I couldn't agree more about communication. Nine times out of ten that's what ruins any relationship... right up there with selfishness.

Growgirl - We also have been quite picky about playmates and I know exactly what you mean about some of these guys and I am one! Of course the wife keeps me in line, and I have enough sense to let her . We decided to stick to our standards and if it takes longer to find someone...Oh Well.

-D

I guess since we have only been at it for less than a year, we are still considered newbie's. We dont know of any one that it has damaged their relationship. The BIGGEST mistake we made right off the bat, first meet and greet, was letting the other couple push to fast, I was not comfortable at all. And we invited them into our home, HUGE mistake. They seen that we live in the parsonage of our church and he badgered us to go "next door" to have sex. Which by the way, we dont mix the two.. EVER! No sex in the church. So it ended up they had hard feelings when we didnt want to see them again because I said he was to pushy. They told a few people I was a cold fish, and they posted a big thing on Swinglifestyle that they would NEVER do newbies again. The whole thing was rotten. But hubby and I learned a lot from it, and since then we have had no problems at all! And let me tell you, I am far from a "cold fish" baby!!

[oncewere]

It would appear that the biggest mistake some newbies make is not reading and heeding the wonderful advice on this board. Short of having a mentor, you people are the best there is.

[CB_n_Red]

Originally Posted by oncewere

It would appear that the biggest mistake some newbies make is not reading and heeding the wonderful advice on this board. Short of having a mentor, you people are the best there is.

Never a truer word was spoken!

CB

[JakenReenie]

Reenie and I are still newbies. We've only been playing since 1992 - still have a lot to learn, we hope.

The three most important things for couples, newbies or otherwise are:

commmunication, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION[b]

It's amazing how many people, swingers or otherwise, assume that their mate is telepathic. I'm donning my flame suit for this: In our experience, women seem to be guilty of this more than men although there are plenty of guys who just blunder along thinking that their mate is aware of their thoughts and intentions and that all is OK.

I'm not sure what percentage of newbies drop out rather quickly but from what we've seen the cause is often a surprised and jealous husband. In most cases, the male half of the couple has talked his mate into attending a party and then is shocked and angry that she's actually enjoying herself. They leave early, him in a huff, her with regrets, never to be seen again.

Since we never see them again, it's difficult to say what effect the episode has had on thier marriage but given that there were obviously communication problems before they tried swinging, it can't be good.

The other thing that we've seen occasionally is unrealistic expectations, generally by guys. I remember one particular incident where we met a late 40s couple for drinks and then invited them to a house party. We told them exactly what to expect as far as the ages and types of people in attendance. Long story short, this guy was pissed when he got there and found out that there weren't a bunch of 20something women running around naked and ready to jump his bones. He had a miserable evening, made his wife miserable, and left early. Just as well.

As I think back on it, almost all of the couples who have come to a second party, have become regulars in our far flung group.

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

So - I have a three part question:

1. Based on your experience, what percentage of folks entering the lifestyle actually stick it out for more than a year?

2. How many couples (percentage-wise) have you seen damaged by their involvement in the lifestyle? (It does, unfortunately, happen - and we see it even her in our forums)

3. What is the most common "newbie" mistake that these couples make?


Spoomonkey

Question 1: I'm not sure how many of the swingers we met are still swinging.

Question 2: Just those who have posted on the board.
We haven't personaly met anyone who have had their relationship damaged by this lifestyle.

Question 3: Our mistakes when new,

Rushing into couples who wanted to swing. We were so excited that they wanted to meet us it was all that really mattered.

Taking one for the team. I did it once and mrs naughty did it once.

Wasting time in certain swinging activites because we each thought the other liked it.

Giving out our home phone number...

Sending pics via the computer. (We only sent pics to those who starred in them, but still a bad idea )

[birdieone]

1. Based on your experience, what percentage of folks entering the lifestyle actually stick it out for more than a year?

Cannot answer that, still a newbie with less than a year under our belts and bra's

2. How many couples (percentage-wise) have you seen damaged by their involvement in the lifestyle? (It does, unfortunately, happen - and we see it even her in our forums)

We beleive that in most cases and by what we've read here and on other boards the damage has already happened in the relationship.Unfortunatly this lifestyle will only magnify the problems a relationship has. If it is not on solid ground to start with, this lifestyle won't make it any better. :rollseyes

3. What is the most common "newbie" mistake that these couples make?

Being gullible, trusting the wrong people to show you the "ropes". You have to trust your instincts and your gut feeling and at parties some people see you as prey. We have had two horrible experinces with this. On both occassions we actuall had to be rude to the couple so they would leave us alone.

And by the way, here's to the Packer's in 05/06

[JustAskJulie]