What are Your Reasons for Swinging

[skeghed]

In talking with a few friends of ours who have tried swinging - and also looking at several websites, message boards, etc. - I have some questions to pose.

We were talking about how swinging was brought up, what were the person who initiated the conversation's reasons for wanting to swing, the initial reaction of the s.o. to the request, etc.

Overwhelmingly, it was the male that brought up swinging and that "pushed" for making it a reality. It turns out that a good portion (I would say a fair majority) of the wives were not interested in taking the fantasy any further than fantasizing until the husband pushed further.

The husbands gave several reasons why they wanted to swing....to spice up their sex lives, to explore the couple's sexuality, to keep from cheating (or being tempted to), to explore the wife's bisexual curiosity, to satisfy their fantasy(s). Almost ALWAYS they said they did it for their wife's sake. A big majority of the wives said they felt pressured into swinging and that they feared the husband would either leave them or have affairs if they didn't comply with his request. HOWEVER - after really discussing it between ourselves (us and the several couples) it seemed to point to the fact that

1. The initiator of the conversation suggested swinging for their reasons (wanted some strange, fulfil their fantasy, etc.)
2. The s/o that felt pushed into it generally did not enjoy the first several encounters with their partner enjoying someone else (if ever)
3. The s/o felt intimidated and a sort of rejection when their feelings were not taken seriously or were derided.
4. The s/o usually enjoyed threesomes with the opposite sex and handled their partner with the s/o's same sex much better when threesomes were what the experience started with.
5. Most of the time, rules were pushed by the initiators that pushed the hardest to start swinging in the first place (meaning those that really pestered the s/o and wouldn't take Fuck you! for an answer)
6. Once the s/o overcame their misgivings, they enjoyed swinging more than the initiator.
7. Those that split up and/or quit the lifestyle found that the initiator was unwilling to share control with the s/o (as far as frequency, initiating contact, changing rules, location, etc.)

So - anyway - the questions.....

1. Who initiated the conversation?
2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?
3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)
4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?
5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)
6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?
7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?
8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

[skeghed]

By the way....here are my answers

1. Husband initiated
2. Gave several reasons...fulfilling our fantasies, didnt want us to cheat, exploration
3. Well, mostly....It was mostly for his fantasy fulfillment as I had done a lot of experimenting prior to us meeting - and neither one of us would ever cheat (be tempted, maybe for a sec - but not actually do it)
4. My initial reaction (for several years) was that I did not want to take our fantasies any further
5. We started out with several threesomes (mmf) - we have tried a few couples
6. We both enjoyed the threesomes very much...so far we apparently haven't found the right couple, because we haven't had very good experiences with them so far
7. Mmmmm, well this is something we are still working on....he still insists on intitiating contact, deciding times, frequency and location - and I haven't gotten to pick a partner yet...but we both have to agree to go before we go...and we have both done our share of vetoes - so I guess we still get a "D+" as far as this goes
8. Well, he has learned that suprises are not my thing, and I have learned that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - that I could actually enjoy it. We still have some issues to work out, but we can take it day by day as far as those issues go.

WOW! Tired hands going to take a needed rest after these long-ass posts of mine!

<small>[ 06-21-2002, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: skeghed ]</small>

[Flori_DAMAN]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by skeghed:
[QB]1. Who initiated the conversation ?

I did, (male), during the very beginning of our relationship to see her reaction. She was not shocked or nauseated but interested in finding out more details. It took a couple of years to do anything and the first few encounters were not too good because I was trying to relive a past lifestyle instead of creating a new one.

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?
Mutual sexual exploration to expand our experiences and have really unusual and fun memories and fantasy fullfillment.

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)
It was a mutual fantasy. She had planned on keeping it in the fantasy land but after considerable discussion decided to make fantasy a reality.
4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?
Aprehensive, but wanting more information.
6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?
We both enjoyed our first MMF but had problems when other females came into the pic. Other females are still on a very limited basis.
7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?
I let her control it baically. She goes slower than I do so I would be pushy if I pressured for more activity. I don't mind the infrequency of our playtime though. Its still fun even if you do it once or twice a year.
8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?
I have learned a lot about my s/o. Discussing sharing such intimacy forced us to really discuss issues such as trust and honesty. I have never trusted anyone as much as I do Tam. She says she feels the same about me. I honestly feel that swinging has been an asset to our communication skills and opened doors that would have never been seen without it. We also learned a lot about each others limits, pleasures, fantasies, as well as love making preferences. John.

[md_hot_cpl]

1. Who initiated the conversation? He did

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?
To explore our fantasies
3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his) Yes!!!! totally honest, after discussing this over and over it is what WE want to do!!!

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o? Very interested... wow!! now I can live out my dreams

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf) MMF

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards? We had the best sex afterwards...

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle? I have all control, I make all contacts, I decide on when and where and whom.

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed? NO!!! I want more.

Sam (the wife)

[incommunicado]

1. Who initiated the conversation? Me, the husband.

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?
I was the old fashioned one, she was the "bohemian". I had been hurt by cheating ex lovers, she pledged her devotion and painlessly gave up her sexually open lifestyle to commit to me. I could think of no greater gift to repay her than to give up my jealousy/insecurity by sharing her with another man.

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his) Yes, the motivation was/is truthful. I also thought it was uncool and, typically male, to suggest a threesome, but only have it be MFF.

4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o? She was totally appreciative of the sentiment and totally into being pleasured by two men. Also, she said the person (male/female) was irrelevant to her, so long as we were sharing together.

5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf) Soft swing with a little FF crossover.

6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards? Her: Totally turned on and horny. Me: The same, plus totally senory overload (I was the prude).

7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle? Well, we are still new to it, having just had a foursome where my wife had sex with the other man. We sort of shared in the planning and then worked together as a team during the activities.

8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed? Her: No. She's always been open. Me: Totally changed my perspective on the weight that sex should have as a controlling factor in a relationship.

[JustAskJulie]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by incommunicado:
<strong>1. Who initiated the conversation? Me, the husband.

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?
I was the old fashioned one, she was the "bohemian". I had been hurt by cheating ex lovers, she pledged her devotion and painlessly gave up her sexually open lifestyle to commit to me. I could think of no greater gift to repay her than to give up my jealousy/insecurity by sharing her with another man. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Your story sounds much like ours. I was the very sexually active one prior to our marriage. I had cheated on most guys I'd ever been with (including him when we were together several years previous). When we got back together and decided to get married I told him about everything.

In deciding to get married I decided to give all of that up and to be with no one but him for the rest of our lives.

He asked about my previous sexual encounters and the things I had done and I told him. Hearing these things turned him on. He had had one swinging experience with another couple while we weren't together and had a subscription to a swinger mag so that was probably where it initially came up but it was never really discussed seriously until another couple found us online and brought up the subject. Even then it wasn't something we were ready to really try. But the discussions really opened at that point and things just went from there. Our first experience was a soft-swing (same room sex) with that same couple he had played with as a single. That was followed by an encounter with me and one of our single male friends before we finally had our first couple swap.

For the questions that didn't answer. He handles pretty much all of the arrangements, when it comes to meeting others. But as I've said in other places we also both swing on our own. When it comes to personal ads and stuff I get frustrated easily with people so he handles that.

And I never had any misgivings and still don't

[babydragon]

1. Who initiated the conversation? Me the WIFE LOL wow what a change.

2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing? I have a very vivid immagination and untill now my partner catered for all of them, untill we both had silly litle flings, I found that I was turned on by the thought of him with another woman and I had always been bi-curious so everything went from there.

3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his) Nope at first he was shocked at my idea but after explaining it all he has come round to the idea and I kinda think he's secretly loking forward to it lol.

Sorry but I cant answer any more cause we will be meeting our first couple this weekend.

I know your wondering why I have posted this reply when we havn't "done it yet" but I felt it was time to show that it is not always the man who starts a couple donw this fun road.

<small>[ October 07, 2002, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: babydragon ]</small>

[sportync]

Actually, the first time we shared our bed with someone else was when my wife suprised me one night by asking a female friend to join us. Mes. Sporty knew of my fantasy to try 2 women at the same time, and was comfortable enough in our love to give it a try. Quite a few years later, we got together with our first couple...first for same-room soft-swing, then for same-room full- swap. My reasons are pretty simple...I've had two heart-attacks, and realize that if there's something I want to do before I die, then I'd better get off my ass and stop just thinking about it! I understand that love-making and screwing aren't necessarily the same thing, and that God created many, many beautiful women, my sweet wife being among the most beautiful I have ever known. Watching her enjoy the pleasure another man is giving her is to see her at her sexiest. Being able to share that sexuality with others is a real turn-on, as is enjoying the delights of other sexy ladies. For some unknown reason, my most vivid fantasies revolve around a group setting, and have for many, many years. Luckily, I have been blessed with a soul-mate that understands this aspect of my psyche, and does what she can to help turn my fantasies into real-life experiences. Sportync

[BradAndJanet]

I thought I'd bump this back up again, as we have had a lot of new members since October, and besides, we never answered them

Originally posted by skeghed

.
.
.
So - anyway - the questions.....

1. Who initiated the conversation?
2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?
3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)
4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?
5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)
6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?
7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?
8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

1) I (Brad) was the one who first brought up the idea of swinging. I don't think J had any idea that it really existed before she saw this board.

2) Because she had, for many years, expressed interest in having two men in her bed. There was one friend in particular, in fact that we did try to entice. But, to her dismay and mine, it did not happen.

3) Yes, I believe that we have been honest with each other and J agrees. I think that this is a particularly important point to consider. If you can't be honest with each other about why you're doing this, you are bound to have troubles.

4) She thought it was an interesting proposition. She is usually up for new things and says, "I'll try anything once, and the good things twice!" What a gal! I love her dearly.

5,6) You can read that cautionary tale if you haven't already seen it.

7) We go at the pace of the slowest person. We both have control that way.

8) We'll take it slower and make sure we know what we're getting into, who we're getting into it with, why we're getting into it and how to get out of it. We're both still interested in going forward and we will when we get a few things taken care of. Overall I wouldn't say our attitudes have changed much at all; we'll just be a little smarter next time.

-B

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by skeghed

1. Who initiated the conversation?
2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?
3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)
4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?
5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)
6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?
7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?
8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

Thanks Brad from bringing this topic back up. I missed it somehow on the first go round and it asks some very good questions.

Our answers are:

1.) We are at a toss up on this one as I think he began planting the seed several years before we really started looking at making it a reality. I think I may have initiated the original conversation, but not the one who planted the idea.

2.) To explore the female bi-sexuality side.

3.) The reasons were totally honest and a desire on both of our parts.

4.) There was no reaction of shock as we had fantasized about it for several years prior. It was more of a discussion on how to go about making it a reality.

5.) Unable to find a single female (our original starting point) we met with a couple which had a bi-female and experienced many combinations FF, MFMF, MFM. Our first couple were experienced swingers and took the lead.

6.) The ride home was rather silent. The next few weeks were spent talking about it, insuring that neither of us felt jealousy or guilt. We probably over talked it some, but it was necessary for us to both feel comfortable. Our first experience was an overall success.

7.) Our policy is one that if one of us says "no" we do it with no questions asked. (If it is in the heat of the moment). We never discuss anything publicly and have signals that say to each other that we either do or do not have a desire to continue persuing a relationship with another couple/person. When we are alone, we will discuss in detail our reasons for how we feel.

8.) We have certainly made our fair share of mistakes. Fortunately we have learned by them and not hurt by them. I can't stress enough how important it is to read and ask questions throughout the board. Especially if you are new. One of our misgivings would be that we didn't take everything as slowly as is suggested when you are new, regardless of the maturity of your relationship with your significant other. Hindsight is 20/20. We have made/broken and changed more rules and adjusted our boundries so many times that we have lost count. I suppose it is all part of the learning process.

Lori

[Brit_Pair]

Originally posted by skeghed
So - anyway - the questions.....

1. Who initiated the conversation?
2. What reason(s) were given for wanting to swing?
3. Were those reason(s) TOTALLY honest? (i.e. it was for "her" fantasy when really and truly it was his)
4. What was the initial reaction of the s/o?
5. How did you start out? (soft swing, threesome (mmf or fmf)
6. What were your (both of you) feelings afterwards?
7. How do you (or do you) share the control of the lifestyle?
8. How have your attitudes and/or misgivings changed?

1. Yep, conforming to the findings, it was a male-introduced subject, but after a revelatory confession from her.

2. To provide an opportunity for her to explore her bi-curiousity.

3. Honest, honest, honest. It was something we both wanted to see happen.

4. It was a very slow-burning issue, from the initial formation of the fantasy to the decision to make it a reality. Hence, there was no real surprise or any other sudden emotion.

5. We started out with a similarly inexperienced couple who also wanted an opportunity for the femal partner to explore her bi-curiousity. The first couple of meetings were FF with the men watching, and then joining in with their own partners. Later, the women began playing with each other and their own partners in a simultaneous four-way MFFM melée.

6. Surprised at our daring. Exhilarated by what we had seen and done.

7. We talk in detail about the things we want and don't want to happen during a meeting in the lead-up to it. We always stay with the slowest common denominator. Afterwards, we discuss what happened, what we particularly enjoyed, what we didn't, and where we might go next.

8. We are becoming more relaxed about increased involvement with the other opposite sex partners. This may lead to harder varieties of swinging, but who knows. For all the planning, we like to leave room for a little spontaneity.

http://home.graffiti.net/britpair/bpmf.gif

[Handyman69]

Well...here are our answers

1) Hubby....but when I flatly said no..he dropped it and about a 1 1/2 yrs later..I was the one that brought it up again.

2) Get out of the routine sex. To bring excitement back into the bedroom.

3) Probably a little from both. Guess we both wanted to explore new things.

4) As stated..I was totally against but I was also the one to reinitiate things.

5) Actually..we jumped right in to full swap. Not saying it was the best thing to do but we had discussed things from top to bottom and so went for the gusto.

6) Both of us enjoyed the experience but Hubby had some problems with performance. Did it sway us..no just knew that he needed to be less nervous in the future.

7)We too always talk..before and after. We also go with the slowest player. Have learned that everyone needs to be comfortable or problems arise. Keeping control is key.

8) Have learned and are still learning. But continue to enjoy the variety and excitement that we have found. Yes..mistakes have been made but isn't that being human?

Rhonda

[Candy&Cane]

Just a question out of curiousity, but also because our reasons are slightly different. He's curious about sex with other women, and I really hang on to the 'theory'; I believe it's the fairest and most open kind of relationship; we love eachother so why those oldfashioned rules to tie eachother down? As for the sexual part, I don't really care. At this moment I'm perfectly happy to have sex with only my BF. This differnce has a lot to do with our difference in experiences. My BF 'had none' before he met me, and I... wel, I'd seen a lot, so to speak, so I'm not that curious . I'm wandering if this difference can turn out to be a problem.

What were your primary reasons for getting into the 'Swinger Lifestyle'? And are these reasons the same as your partners reasons?

Thanx

[akamgaxoxo]

We chose to get into the lifestyle to fulfill a fantasy. I would not have ventured into this lifestyle at all with out the full blessing and interest from my hubby. I wanted him to enjoy seeing me with another M as much as I wanted to have that sexual experience with another M. I think it is safe for me to say that we both had the same fantasy and overall just want to be pleased and sexually satisfied when the nite is though!

[duwannaball]

I'm really interested to read the responses to this question being in the same type of situation. Because of the difference in our # of partners, he is more curious and I am perfectly satisfied with just him. I have told him he could go play solo since I had no desire in being with another man. It's reassuring to see someone else with the same questions.
~DD