Is it ok to be friends first?

[raylynne]

Hey, all you experienced ones out there! My husband and I have a question. We're new to swinging, but would like to experience it, at least we think we do. We have been talking to a couple online for several months, set up a time to meet with them, they saw us, but wouldn't approach us because she was "chicken". HOwever, my husband and I did not see them. Now they want to meet, get 2 separate rooms, exchange partners, and go at it. No talking to getting to know one another, no nothing. They are newbies, also, haven't read anything in here, or so they say. Our idea was to get to know a couple some before we make the big jump with them, maybe even become friends. Is this possible, or does everyone just "jump in"? Please advise us, we're totally confused. Thanks for your input. Ray and Lynne

[jcbicouple]

Everyone is different, and you will probably get lots of responses to this post which will verify that.
We ALWAYS play together, never seperate, but if we did...We certainly wouldn't be comfortable going to seperate hotel rooms with people that we didn't know anything about. Hate to be overly cynical, and sound like a fuddy duddy but what if he is someone that can't take no for an answer? What will you do if he wont stop and it's just you and him there, and your husband is to far away to hear you? Sorry, but it just sounds too dangerous to us! We have no interest in playing seperate (not even seperate beds, or seperate partners in the same bed for that matter! LOL) but if we ever decided to try it: We would make certain it was someone that we could trust alone before we did.

[Vjklander]

I agree with jc, especially for the first time. Then again, for us, a large part of the fun is watching the other share pleasures. Most of the time it will be all four together or 3 with one taking a breather or a shower

Also, we almost exclusively play with women who are bi.
J

[Roxysbayou]

I agree, the seperate room thing really worries me. We are talking about perfect strangers here, you have never even spoken to them face to face. Sounds kind of dangerous.

Plus watching hubby and playing along side of him is such a big part of it for me. I personally don't even consider that swinging. That seems more like cheating with permission to me. But to each his own.

And if she was so chicken before, what has happened that she has suddenly gotten over her fear. I would worry that she is being pushed into something that she's not really sure about. I've read plenty of stories where once seperate one partner backs out, leaving someone disappointed.

I'd would have to insist on a face to face meeting prior to play, and same room.

Good luck in what ever you decide.

Roxy

[windsor4fun2]

I have to agree with the others that something just doesn't sound right here. I would be very wary of going ahead with their proposal.

Also, you should definitely NOT let anyone pressure into changing your game plan. You stated your plan was

to get to know a couple some before we make the big jump with them

stick to it. There are other fish in the sea.

Jesse

[wrnakedru]

It doesn't really matter what the other couple's reason is for wanting the arrangement of separate rooms with no preliminaries - since this is not what you seek.

Since they have changed what they are seeking, they need to find someone else who is seeking the same.

It would be a mistake for you to change your wishes to accommodate their wishes.

There will be others whose desires match yours and you should seek them for your activity.

[Elusive BiFem]

Nothing to add that hasn't already been well said. Simply want to weigh in with my Dito to what the others have said. Separate hotel rooms on the first meeting? No way! And that is only one of the red flags, but the brightest. - EBF

[Brit_Pair]

Just another Dito here . . .

[Maus-Katz]

... it would be hard to back out of something that seemed to start out so well, even if it was under terms that were different that what you originally wanted. But aside from the fact that I'm of the same mindset as Roxy ("seperate rooms is cheating with permission"), MAJOR red flags go off with this situation. Dito

M

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by raylynne
.... We have been talking to a couple online for several months, set up a time to meet with them, they saw us, but wouldn't approach us because she was "chicken".

For me, common sense comes into play here. Based on the information that you have given...ie: Talking online (no mention of a phone call, in which you could talk to both parties), you set up a meet up time, they see you, but you don't see them. How do you know that you were ever even talking to a couple? The focus suddenly changes to separate rooms in a motel, with someone you have never laid eyes on?

Perhaps, because I was single for many years, I am less likely to be trusting of someone that I do not know, but I can tell you as a couple of eleven years now, there would be no way in hell I'd be meeting with this 'supposed couple' again. Every ounce of this reeks of potential disaster.

It also bothers me that she was *chicken*. If they are a real couple, would you want your first experience to be with someone that doesn't have the courage to meet you for a cup of coffee? In addition to the fact one must always be cautious that there are some strange people out there and the internet makes it so easy to cater to their fantasies.

My opinion. Dump this internet couple now. There are many real couples out there that are not going to be chicken just to meet you in person to talk and aren't going to try to take it to a level that you aren't ready for.

Be sure to keep us updated on what you decide.

Mrs. O

[raylynne]

Wow, what a response! thank you all for confirming what we already knew. We knew that separate rooms were wrong for us, and we knew we wouldn't carry through with it, just wanted to hear it from someone else, I guess. We'll keep looking for another couple. Thank you all. Ray and Lynne

[frenzb4sex]

Hmmm....I am a little disturbed by this thread. For one, I have always thought that swingers had a bit more openness and capability of being able to put themselves in the other's shoes than most "straights". I mean, for one, in this lifestyle, we are already going against what society has taught us, but yet I see several criticisms of what this other couple's preferences are, simply by what the poster had stated.

Do we know the full story? No. Do we understand the motivation? No. But yet commentary about "red flags" and "cheating with permission", "is this even a couple" is stated without regard.

The reason I state this, is because, quite frankly, we are a seperate room couple. We have been in the lifestyle for going on 5 years and this is what is our preference. I can totally understand from a newbie's standpoint where this may be the inclination at first, because being in a same room atmosphere and having sex all at once can be quite overwhelming, especially for the very first step in the lifestyle. Our mentors recognized this issue and baby stepped us through, where we went from soft swing to seperate room (seperate house, actually, because we were neighbors) to seperate room same house, to same room, to same bed. All of it has its pros and cons, but Lora and I really enjoyed the seperate room the best.

Why?

1) We aren't the voyeuristic type. We don't need to see the other get off for us to get off.

2) We have found that others that tend to be this way could care less about being with us, and we are simply used as props for their enjoyment.--Now that's not saying all are like that-it's been OUR experience from time to time--we aren't stereotyping same roomers.

3) Being in a seperate room environment is less distracting and more intimate.

4) Inhibitions are much less in a seperate room environment, we have found, from both sides.

See, it isn't that we can't handle seeing each other, it's that we ENJOY the seperate room much more. If people are wanting same room, we are fine with that, and we have a great time, regardless. But as WR said, you shouldn't have to accomodate their wishes if yours do not correspond, and leave it at that.

It really is kind of jaw-dropping to see the reaction here. While it's agreeable that everyone is different, we have to respect that some couples are different than what we like. I think that all of the bi couples or bi men out there know what kind of scrutiny they undergo and the stereotypes associated with it. And even though "that's not my bag, baby", we respect the preferences and don't BASH them. The same goes for how single males get treated on occasion--it's an oxymoron to think that we as swingers, who are looked down upon by the rest of the masses, look down upon others.

We don't know all that there is to know, and yes, we have played seperate hotel room first meet as well--now, we did meet and went out and ate and had a great time prior, but we don't know what the full story here is. Perhaps the couple is afraid that if they meet as a foursome previous to the sexual part for any period of time that there will be cold feet again. Plus, the poster did note that they have been talking for months, so it's not as if this is a "blind meeting". It's understandable.

I do understand safety concerns and what not in this day and age, but that's something that only the couples involved can resolve on their own.

Again, let's not judge others lest ye be judged yourself. I apologize if this is a rant, but I was really, really, surprised to see what I read. Perhaps I am reading into it too much, but that's just my 2 (okay maybe 25) cents....

Tim

soapbox

[BradAndJanet]

Originally posted by frenzb4sex
...For one, I have always thought that swingers had a bit more openness and capability of being able to put themselves in the other's shoes than most "straights". ...

Nah, people are people, and if there's one thing I've learned from hanging around here, it's that, as a group, swingers are not much different than any other group of people. You have your good ones and your bad ones; the ones you'd want as your friends and the ones you'd rather see jump off a bridge (just kidding, ya know!) Truth is, we're a very diverse group, politically, religiously and sexually.

-B

[frenzb4sex]

Hey guys, I have gotten a few PMs about my post that have all been very nice, I just wanted to clarify some things.

To Roxys, EBF and others that I quoted, I apologize, I did not intend to attack or defame anyone. I respect everyone that posts on here and this has become probably my most fav place on the net (other than other swinger sites LOL).

I just wanted to make it known to the Ray and Lynne that there is another perspective to take into account from someone who is not altogether in the same line of thinking as the couple they speak of, but still on the same side of the "separated" fence LOL.....If I offended anyone with my soap-boxiness (I know that's not a word but you get my point), I do apologize, the last thing I would want to do is make anyone out to be anything less than respected here.

Please throw your tomatoes at some where other than the head, my skull still hasn't hardened all the way *G*.

Tim *ducking*

[b_and_sc]

[I'd be confused too...if she was too embarrassed to approach you in public, how the heck is she going to just 'jump in'???

we like to make friends, then if everyone is in to it, we go for it...sometimes that means dating for quite some time

I don't like the emails that ask if they can meet us tonite when we've never even talked, and I didn't jump into bed with a total stranger when I was single, so why would I now???

again, to each their own, this is just what works for us

b and s