We went overboard with vanilla friends - Advice needed

[Tara]

Okay, last night we went overboard with vanilla friends. We went over to their house for a hot tub visit. Drank too much. I "blacked out" so don't remember too much. I do remember being in the hot tub and rubbing his dick in and out of her pussy. Hubby says I ate pussy and got fucked by male friend which totally made him hot. Obviously, we were all drunk or I don't think they would have done this with us. Where do I go from here? Wait on them to contact us? Call and apologize? Act as if this is a common everyday occurance? Help!

[lustylearning]

It sounds like you're feeling embarrassed about the alcohol - totally understandable. What I think you may want to consider is whether or not you regret the progression of events. The answer to that question can help direct what you want to say and how you want to say it. If they're vanilla friends, it may be easier for you to approach them. My guess is they're even more embarrassed about their entry into the non-vanilla world.

Good luck. Remember, they're just people. It happens.

[celtic239]

If you are trying to figure out "where do I go from here", you first have to decide what got you there. As to the excess of alcohol I sometimes believe that this can be the excuse for engaging in conduct that one wants to do but wants to place the responsibility on the booze. There are various "shades" of blackouts. Since you remember some things then it was more like a "brown out". Over time some of the events will come back to you. If you have engaged in threesomes before and felt no guilt and you have no reason to disbelieve your husbands statement that the other husband and wife enjoyed themselves I would chalk this up as being one lucky night for all concerned.
Lastly, how vanilla could they possibly be? It doesn't sound like it took a whole lot of arm twisting to get everyone involved. For that matter I such be so lucky.

[interested-05]

curious about how drunk was everyone else. A blackout or brown out was pretty close to totally wasted. If they were less so maybe they were much more aware and open to your inability to say no. They may not be as vanilla hs you think

[slevin]

Agree with celtic: decide what you and your man want then contact the couple and talk about it. If you and your man would like to do this with them again, the give them a call and sit down (sober) and apologize for drinking too much, but let them know that you both had a great time. That no matter what you want to remain friends, and if they're up for it you'd both love to do that again with less alcohol involved.

If not, sit down with them and apologize for getting too drunk. Let them know that you value your friendship, want to remain friends. You had fun, enjoyed the experience, but want it to be a one-time thing.

Open the lines of communication

[ViSexual]

I think Slevin hit it on the head.

Say you're sorry for being that drunk. And say you are only sorry about what you experienced with them if it's going to harm your friendship.

[ncmd_couple]

I agree with everyone else, but I want to bring up a side issue. Hot tubs are great, we have one and love it! But you need to be careful with alcohol and hot tubs. The hot water can cause a increase in the effect of alcohol that greatly exceedes what that effect would have been outside of the tub. It also has other effects on your body as well.

S

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by Tara

Okay, last night we went overboard with vanilla friends. We went over to their house for a hot tub visit. Drank too much. I "blacked out" so don't remember too much.

NOT GOOD ! .... But I think you know that now. I think you need to evaluate your drinking. Does it happen often ? It sounds like for you, your a high risk drinker. Meaning, you could make bad choices. That doesn't make you a bad person. Just saying, you made some bad choices. I mean from the sounds of this, you weren't all in a rag doll state. You obviously were mobile enough to play back somewhat. Ya know, being a little buzzed and then getting in a hot tub multiplies the effects of alcohol. Your not the first to have something like this happen. I doubt you'll be the last. I think from now on you have a pretty good reason to... Make good choices.... Its all up to you

I'm not preaching to you from the halls of AA, as we do drink. I like a beer with my buds after work. I like a good bourbon when I get home from a stressed day at work.

I follow a 0-1-2-3 rule according to the risk I'm at. And I am pretty strict on myself about it. No one els, just me ! Its personal....

0-1 drinks while swinging is my preference, my choice. I like to understand how I feel about the sex. Sex is one of the most important things in my life. I like to understand my surroundings and how others feel. I don't want to miss out on any of it. But thats just me I suppose....

When we started many years ago, it was one of the things I didn't like about how things went...Back in "the day" Yep, we were drunk. When we started again many years later, I explained how I felt to Mrsfun. I didn't want to drink when we played. I wanted to be sure how I felt, let alone how others felt. The peer pressure bothered me because I do drink. To me, I didn't want to look like the person who couldn't party without the drink, I wanted to feel like part of the crowd. Ya know what, the first couple we played with in our new beginning didn't drink. Neither did we. It sure made it easier to sort things out..... I like that !

Second time, I had a few drinks at the club. Things seemed easier, but for me personally.... Something was still missing.

Third time was disaster, we don't need to even go there

There will be more chances at do overs. If, its your choice to do so, now.

From that point on, I have never drank and played. The thing is, I like it.... It works for me. On the other hand Mrs fun is able to relax, enjoy a drink or two, and party down. I have personally never seen her have more than 3 drinks.... At least, not in a swinging situation . Its not like I have to worry about it... Something else, for what its worth, I have never once heard a comment about me not drinking in a party situation. Go figure, Im not so out of place after all....

I do remember being in the hot tub and rubbing his dick in and out of her pussy.

See what I mean, that sounds blurry as hell... Even to me.... Were you like.... plugging him in to her ? I'm just saying, did you like that ? Sorry, I like details.... See what I mean

Hubby says I ate pussy and got fucked by male friend which totally made him hot. Obviously, we were all drunk or I don't think they would have done this with us.

That sounds sooooo wrong, I wont even go into hubby sounding like an enabler.... But still.

I think you should realize something. It as much important about how you feel, as it is about how hubby feels. Neither Mrsfun or I, feel the same emotions when we have sex with others. We just never do. I know how I feel, and she knows how she feels. Those are the things we talk about and try to understand each other through listening. Then we become US, together.

Where do I go from here?

Well forward is a good direction. Its about you, if this is how you feel. Do you want to get more out of this next time ? Do you need time to think ? Its OK if you do ya know.

Wait on them to contact us?

I would, but thats just me. You don't owe any explanation. But, if they contact you for now, I would just leave it as how it is. You need some time to think now, let things settle and understand how you feel. Thats cool... If anyone doesn't understand that, too bad for them...

Call and apologize?

Apologies for what ? Unless you pissed in the hot tub, broke furniture, or puked on someone. You don't owe an apoligy.... The only apology you owe, is really to yourself. Think about that, it might cause a change...

Act as if this is a common everyday occurance? Help!

I think you should hold your head high, smile, don't give them a clue that you feel as awful as you do. Show confidence, and move forward. You can't change anything that happened now. You can change what happens the next time though. Try it sober once.... Do that for you.... Try it for me.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by Tara

Obviously, we were all drunk or I don't think they would have done this with us.

This line troubles me a great deal. If people do something drunk that they would never choose to do in a sober state is always a bad thing. You are obviously having issues over this and there is a good chance that they may be as well.

I am normally in full agreement with fun4ds but this situation may need a little more proactive damage control as opposed to a wait and see approach. I don't think I'd rush in with a preemptive apology but I would open a channel of communication and try to find out what their feelings on the whole thing are.

They may be ok with it and want a rematch with people sober enough to enjoy it. Or they may be deeply offended, threatened and ashamed. i think it is in your best interest to find out where they are with this and adjust yourselves accordingly.

[iapr]

I also have some questions about your husbands role in all of this. What was his state of mind and what was he doing while you were this drunk and out of control?

I have some concerns here on a number of levels. If you are so drunk that you are having periods of blackouts, this raises some serious questions of consent. This guy you fucked and your husband got "hot" would you have had sex with him when sober?

Would you normally have gone down on this woman when sober? If the answers to those questions are no I would have some issues with him not watching your back.

Granted, he shouldn't have to be your babysitter as you are a grown woman and should be able to put the bottle down before you get to that state but things do happen and once someone starts doing things that are out of character for them it is time for some responsible party to intervene.

I'm not meaning to judge or point fingers and I have had a little too much at times during my life as well, but you two need to work as a team so that you are not having to make appologies the next morning.

[lizandtom]

Whoa, imho this topic is being way toooooo overthought Tara. Remember, you are the experienced ones, so remain calm and collected and proceed as if nothing happened that night. Call them as you routinely would, chat on matters that you routinely would, and let their curiousity come to you to ask any questions. In other words, JUST BE YOURSELVES AS YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN WITH THEM. Even with our swingin'ist most friends the topics are usually of vanilla stuff until we get into private settings and let body language take over.

[retiredff]

We agree it is being overthought - but then again there is no such thing as too much information.
While we have never been so drunk that we didn't know what happened - we in our 15 plus years of swinging have had the absolute pleasure of introducing some of our vanilla friends to swinging. Our method is that we are fairly open to close friends - and they know that we swing - but we never ask them first. Usually - they, after a drink or two, will initiate the Q&A session. We always keep it as a Q&A and you might be surprised how many call one night and say that they would like to give it a try. We really push the "establish your own limits" part - and expand those as you grow....

[maniaco333]

here is my little 2 cents:
A couple that invites another couple for drinks and hot tub time just may not be as vanilla as you think, is it possible that they were just in the closet ?

do they know that you guys swing ?
if you guys have not come out to them they just might be doing the same.

[sweet_tna]

Hoo boy, have I been there! Mr. Sweet and I threw a house party recently where a few of us had a bit too much to drink. Playtime commenced, and at some point in the evening, I went down on another lady for the first time. Unfortunately, I don't remember actually DOING it, but I do remember being poised to do so and thinking, "what the hell." Playtime was cut short when the lady's husband began feeling ill, and Mr. Sweet left to go take care of another of our female guests.

I kicked myself up and down about that, because I hated losing control enough that I didn't know what was going on. Now in our case, this happened with other swingers, and I didn't actually do anything I wouldn't have (or didn't want to do) sober. So other than a, "sorry the jello shots were so strong," there was really nothing to apologize for. That said, I now strictly limit my drinking on any occasion that might result in playtime.

In your case, you have to decide what bothers you most about the situation. Would you have played that way with this couple sober if they'd been cool about it? Do they know you guys are swingers?

Once you figure out how you feel about these things, you can decide how to approach your friends. I personally would just apologize for getting so wasted, and leave it go at that. If they're too embarrassed to talk about it, you don't want to put them on the spot, and if they do want to talk about it, it will leave the door open for them to do so.

I hope it all works out for you.

=)

[PB&J]

I guess that it depends on whether you want them to stay friends, on whatever level. I can't imagine being able to just ignore something like that indefinitely in an on-going relationship. Talk about the elephant in the room... Mind you, I have a lifestyle friend who, with his wife, twice had full swap with his best friend and his wife (vanilla), several years ago, and never since have repeated the experience or mentioned it, but remain the best of friends. But from what I can tell, it's always on my friend's mind in his dealings with that couple, mainly because he really really enjoyed it. So you gotta wonder what the other couple is thinking.

So, ask yourself, how close are we to this couple? And what do we want from the relationship in future? And go from there.