When your friends find out....

[aklovers]

This is begining to be very awkward. I finally told my best friend about us swinging. It has been a huge relief b/c I was tired of lying to her about where we were and why she couldn't go. Ok, that is not the prob. The problem is she now flirts with me, expects me to flirt with her. She gets weird when I don't give her sexual attention(touching her breast oggling her).
The worst part is lately she wants to play. She is attached but he works out of town. I think of her as a friend and don't look at her any other way. I don't want to make her feel like she isn't good enough for us or unattractive, however it is soo weird.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What is your advice in handling it? She is looking for attention due to her partner being out of town so much, but I don't think me and hubby are the perfect candidates.

Thanks in advanced!

[JustAskJulie]

Did you know before you opened up to her that she was bi (at least I'm assuming you are both female)? If so, she may have taken your opening up to her as your way of letting her know you were interested in her... and then if that was followed by you flirting with her even more so.

At this point you need to just be honest with her, she's your best friend. Tell her that you opened up to her because she is your best friend and you hated hiding that side of yourself, but also because she is your best friend you just don't think of her in a sexual way.

[MRnMSbhaven]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

but also because she is your best friend you just don't think of her in a sexual way.

I would also add that she's fabulous all around and that it's nothing against her sexually.

Ms. B

[aklovers]

She is not bi, but thinks that since I am that I must be attracted to her. I just play along. And by now I am answering my own questions..... Tell her I have seen her as a friend for so long I am weirded out by the idea of any sexual relationship.

It's gotten so bad she wants to go to meet and greets with us. I don't think so!!!
I've really got to say something to her.

Thanks JAJ!!!

[MRnMSbhaven]

Originally Posted by aklovers

It's gotten so bad she wants to go to meet and greets with us. I don't think so!!! I've really got to say something to her.

Personally if she were MY best friend... I would also remind her that you do what you do together (of a fashion) and with mutual consent.
To do so without her partners consent or knowledge would be cheating. Which in this swingers book is bad. Perhaps she should discuss her desires etc... with her guy too.

Ms. B

[BiloxiCouple]

I told my best friend before I had to lie to him as to why I couldn't tell him where we were going.

Maybe explaining to her that the reason you told her was so you wouldn't have to lie to her about times you couldn't explain? And that is the real and only reason you told her.

Also, if she is actually interested in the lifestyle, maybe introduce her to clubs/parties/socials with the understanding that ya'll don't play together.

[happycouple256]

we havent told any of our friends or family that we are into the lifestlye, we are always telling ppl lies about where we are going. and making up stuff when we going to the socials and playing, it sucks to do that. but, we feel it to be necessery. our family and friends are both very nosey and love to spread gossip

[JustAskJulie]

I think she may be bi-curious even if she's not admitting it... for her to be pushing you to touch her and such says something.

[BiloxiCouple]

This one got me thinking.

You don't really have to lie. People don't have to know everything you do. If you are doing something and don't want them to know. Tell them it's personal time with your spouse. End of discussion.

Or as I have said before. We are getting into selling Amway, want to learn?

[happycouple256]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

This one got me thinking.

You don't really have to lie. People don't have to know everything you do. If you are doing something and don't want them to know. Tell them it's personal time with your spouse. End of discussion.

Or as I have said before. We are getting into selling Amway, want to learn?

well, our familys are so nosey, they will ask so many questions, i guess its just easier to tell a little fib, lol:

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by aklovers

I finally told my best friend about us swinging. It has been a huge relief b/c I was tired of lying to her about where we were and why she couldn't go.

A secret can be a weighty burden to bear. Usually because guilt is associated with the secret. Reaching a point of revealing the secret often comes from a need for relief from the discomfort of holding it in. "Telling all" is done more to help oneself feel better than to make the situation better for all who may be affected by knowing the secret. Because of this, I think people can make the mistake of sharing something they shouldn't. I say all this as a person who revealed a secret I had - back when I was a teen - and the experience taught me to be a better secret keeper.

It is too late to reconsider whether you should tell your friend you swing; you've already told her. And as a result, the burden on your shoulders is probably greater than before.

You are now placed in the position of doing more explaining...maybe even telling some white lies. You have to decide what you will tell her, how you will say it, and how she will react.

At this point I feel you need to let her know that your interest in her is only as friends, not playmates. It sounds like she has no idea what swinging is about, which will make it more difficult for her to understand what you have to say.

I am concerned that she will be more hurt by the sexual rejection than she ever was when you weren't telling her where you were going and why she couldn't go. You should get ready to handle her reaction. I also think that, depending on how she handles what you tell her, she may not keep your secret.

For every person with whom you share a secret, the less control you have over that secret.

LM

[iapr]

I pretty much agree with what the others have said. I also think this is a perfect reason why peoples private affairs should be kept private. Since the cat is out of the bag all the coulda-shoulda-wouldas don't matter now.

I do agree that you should be honest with her and tell her that just because you are swinger that does not mean that you have sexual relations with everyone you encounter. Sit down and explain to her that swinging is not some reckless, amoral free-for-all and that the majority of the people you meet you never have any kind of sexual contact with. Explain that swinging between traditional friends is always a bad idea and it can lead to lots of painfull repercussions.

The fact that she seems curious about the lifestyle and is wanting you to introduce her may give you an "out" here. If she is serious about wanting to do more, introduce her to this site and some others and have her do her own research. If you have any legitimate books or anything like that on the lifestyle lone them to her and point out the chapter that says to keep your friends out of your bedroom.

What I am getting at is she probably thinks that swingers screw everyone that asks and that you will drop your drawers for her. If she is serious about getting into the lifestyle and does some research on her own she will find out that sleeping with friends is a bad idea and that just because you are friends with someone does not mean you want to go to bed with them.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I think she may be bi-curious even if she's not admitting it... for her to be pushing you to touch her and such says something.

Yea, I think that would be a 'sign'.

If I found out my best friend were gay, I wouldn't hit on him just because I now know he likes men.

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Yea, I think that would be a 'sign'.

If I found out my best friend were gay, I wouldn't hit on him just because I now know he likes men.

Oh come one, not even a little bit when you are both drunk?

[Ave Satanas]

I recently told my friend that my lady and I engaged in swinging, and it really helps to pull out this line in the conversation:

"I don't swing with anyone who I'm not willing to lose over it. If something is going to blow up in my face and the person is going to cut me out of their life completely, then I don't want it to be anyone who I find to be a truly important part of my life in aspects outside of the bedroom"

Any variation of that will usually work. They learn they won't be involved, but their feelings are spared.

-Ave Satanas