Feelings for Another

[gr8big]

My wife and I are still exploring this; no actions have occurred, but some wonderful conversations have been had and continue to be had.

Here is my problem. I have a dear, dear friend who is in the lifestyle with her husband. She and I have discussed getting together if we ever make the move, but I really care for her, deeply, so I don't think it would be a good idea. I think that instead of enjoying ourselves, which I know we would, I would be making love to this person that means so much to me.

Has anyone else had a similar situation? Do you actively avoid this? Is there any way to deal with it?

[tangyspecial]

Even though I am not in this situation, I will pretend I am to answer you.

My best friend for the past 13 years is a man. If I found out he was swinging, I would think about involving him in our bedroom but only because I know things would never get out of hand emotionally. Yes, I love him, BUT I am not IN love with him and never have been. If I felt like I would be making love to him, I would never even toy with the idea. I would even go as far as saying I would distance myself from him if I felt I was falling in love with him. My top priority is my marriage, and allowing myself to have romantic feelings for someone else isn't something I would do.

If I were you, I would ask myself why I would be willing to risk my marriage for a friend I love "deeply". Why would you even let yourself love her "deeply"? Nothing can come of this but bad news if you follow through with it.

N-Mrs.

[socolais]

It looks like you've already answered your own question and you're looking for confirmation. I don't have any experience with that situation, but I think it's a big bite to chew early in the swinging game. My guess is that you think it would be better to have several swinging encounters with attractive folks where you don't already have this emotional baggage - you'd have a chance to explore "normal" swinging and be confident you have everything sorted out properly in your mind. I think I agree with that approach and later, when everyone is ready, swinging with your close friend could be extra special.

[gr8big]

Yes, I was just looking for the answer I already knew. Thank you for your input(s).

I am pretty sure that I would have to avoid them like the plague indefinitely. I know that if we were to get together, I would be overwhelmed with an emotional connection that I have done a good job of keeping at bay.

My marriage and commitment to my wife is my number 1 priority. I can't help how I feel about my friend, but I can limit our exposure to situations that would tempt fate. We live over 500 miles apart, now, so there I have been able to avoid facing this.

As a constantly horny bastard, I know that the best way for me to stay out of trouble is not to stop being horny, but to make sure I don't put myself into a situation that will cause me problems in the first place!

[good times]

It has been our experience that it is best to go with your gut feelings, if you don't you may end up regretting it. We have found, somewhat to our surprise, that finding willing and compatible play partners is not that hard. So, we have no good reason to pursue the ones we have bad vibes about.

[socolais]

I think it would help defuse the situation if you were to let her know that you've been fantasizing about her. If you do it right, she'll feel good about your attraction to her and maybe she'll open up with her story about her attraction to you. This way, the emotions are all out in the open and perhaps there'll be less negative energy in the air. Break the news to her in small, manageable packages and you'll sense when to stop if she shows signs of being uncomfortable.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by gr8big

Has anyone else had a similar situation?

Similar yes, but still quite different. It went (and continues to go) very well.

Similar in that yes...this other man and I have feelings for each other...a deep friendship type of love.

Different in that it's not just between him and I, but the love is shared between him, I and Ted.

He's a friend who has been in our lives for over 20 years. When the opportunity arose that Ted and I could share this part of our lives with him, there was no hesitation on our part or his .

If you classify "making love" only by emotional involvement, then I suppose you could say it was "making love". But, I believe that it's the "type" of emotional involvement that determines if it's "making love" or not.

For the three of us it was a deep caring and sharing of ourselves that brought a new dimension to our friendship. There was/is love involved for all of us but...it wasn't/isn't a romantic type of love.

If the deep feelings you have for this lady is on the lines of a "romantic" type, then it's definitely not a good idea. If they are of the deep friendship type...then it is possible to explore this and expand that friendship if all involved feel the same way (her and her husband as well as you and your wife).


Teresa

[sigh35]

I agree with socolais in part...if you are thinking you might be comfortable enough to swing with her, then you should feel comfortable enough to tell her she means too much to you to make her a recreational partner...said correctly, you will establish healthy boundries, compliment her and most likely, strengthen your friendship even more without threatening your marriage.

[Zoe&Wash]

Wash and I are still relatively new to all this - having only had the one encounter.

However, because it was with a very dear friend of 10+ years, there's some similarity in the thoughts that went thru all our heads before the encounter took place and what it sounds like you're going thru now.

Our biggest concern was our marriage and our friendship. Both of us are friends with this man and didn't want adding a physical aspect to the friendship to cause any problems. Wash and I had several long discussions on the topic before even approaching our friend. Mostly trying to figure out what our limits would be and what potential dangers were out there.

Until Wash brought up the subject of a threesome, I had never even considered this guy in a physical way. But for me, it was easier to consider doing this with a friend the first time around, rather than a complete stranger. If I had the least concern that my feelings regarding adding sex to the relationship were anything other than physical, I never would have approached him.

When I finally did approach him (with Wash's full support), the one thing I made sure was absolutely crystal clear was that nothing physical would happen with him, under any circumstance, unless Wash was present. I made certain he understood that I love my husband very much and didn't want to do anything to hurt that relationship. Our friend was completely understanding of this. If he hadn't been willing to abide by that rule first and foremost, nothing would have happened.

Sounds like you need to figure out for yourself whether you (or she) have any concerns about the relationship going beyond the physical. And make sure your friend also knows what her feelings are. If either of you is worried about the relationship becoming something other than physical, you need to look elsewhere for your encounters.

Remember - your friend is also married and if physical turned to emotional because of your feeling deepening, there are two marriages at stake - not just one. The sex may be good, but is it really worth that much to you?

Z

[ShellyM]

OP, I would honestly steer clear of it. If you already think that you are going to be intimately making love vs. having sex I'd say it could really blur that necessary line between lust and deeper feelings. This is a hobby of lust, passion and recreational sex. In my opinion the intimacy of "making love" is to be with your loved one. Now, thats not saying I don't enjoy slow and steady. But you are talking about the possibility of emotions getting involved.
Bad mojo my friend. Proceed with great caution.
Shelly

[Zoe&Wash]

Originally Posted by ShellyM

This is a hobby of lust, passion and recreational sex. In my opinion the intimacy of "making love" is to be with your loved one.

Well Said!

W

[SouthBond]

If you are planning on getting a divorce and breaking up the other marriage, proceed. I would guess that you are just in heat.

[gr8big]

Thanks to all. I have discussed this with the other woman and we have decided that we would not put EITHER of us in this situation. Besides the primary and most-important marriages, there is too much at stake, including a deep friendship.

I already knew the answer for me, I guess, but I wanted to hear from people that may have run into the same or similar situations.

That's why I LOVE this board!

[FloridaFlirt]

It's better to NOT cross that line...once you have, you can't go back!