People think I am a slut

[rotten&spoiled]

Hello all,
I have a question for you. I am the Mrs. of my couple and I have this guy friend. He is one of my best friends. There is nothing sexual about our relationship. He just got engaged to a woman who doesn't trust me with her fiance because she knows I am a swinger. When it comes to my sexual preference I am mostly gay. I don't find most men attractive. They don't get me hot. Have any of you ever had this problem? Were you able to mend fences enough to continue to be this persons friend?
Mrs. Rotten&spoiled

[ht805cpl]

I don't think you are a slut, but I think you are way off the mark as to having a male friend who is engaged. His lady is probually correct in her concerns over him being around you. It has nothing to do with you, but there is a big difference between men and women, women seem to be ok with having friends whom they are not sexually attracted to, but for men, at least most warm blooded men interested in women, may or may not be attracted to the woman, but they will have sex with them in a heart beat, so for a man to have a female friend is possible but given the chance he would jump into a sexual relationship with her in a heart beat. If you do not believe this, the next time you are with him, get naked, and see where it goes, If I were a betting man, I would put my money on him being all over you in no time. Of course he may respect your wishes and if you tell him you are not into men or him and may go home and masterbate, but if you don't set any ground rules, then I am sure he will be trying to put the moves on you in a heart beat.
Good luck, if you are married and swinging, why the need for a male friend who is about to get married any way?
I am not judging you, just stating facts from a mans point of view. I too have some female friends, and except for the very fat ones, I would bang any of them in a heart beat. LOL>
Again Good luck.

[Alura]

My suggestion, Mrs. Rotten and Spoiled, is simply to become her friend. It should be quite easy since you seem to prefer women to men anyway.

When the four of you are together, direct most of your attention to her. Ask her questions about her family, her education, her experiences, her opinions. Let her know you're interested in her.

Your husband can help by engaging her husband in conversation.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

Alura

[ShellyM]

OP,
What I would do is maybe take her to lunch. Sit down with her so she can get to know you as a person and not just the girl her fiance hangs out with. That way you can explain to her that you are bisexual and your relationship is nothing in any way sexual. Women are funny. You know us, we're like mafia cats...all about territory and respect lol. I think that if you show her respect as his fiance and allow her to get to know who you are things will be okay. Not saying kiss her butt, but just extending out that hand of friendship.
Best of luck,
Shelly

[tangyspecial]

I know where you are coming from to an extent.

My best friend for the past 12 years is a man. Nothing sexual has ever happened between us, and never will. We are both cool with this. Unfortunately, his girlfriends always seem to have a problem with me after they meet me even though they know I'm married and not going anywhere. (The girlfriends don't know we are swingers.) They eventually either get over it or move on because of it. I have never been anything but nice and friendly to them, but my looks must be intimidating. If he would decide to get married, I would make sure that I made his wife my friend whether she liked it or not.

Like Shelly said, invite her out for lunch. Get to know her and let her know you. Keep doing it until she *has* to like you for what you are rather than what kind of person she thinks you are.

[SouthBond]

How strange. It seems that you are playing some kind of game with the females interested in your guy friend. Your desire to attach yourself to your male friend is extremely disrespectful towards the other woman. You need to take care of your own relationship and leave his alone.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by ht805cpl

Good luck, if you are married and swinging, why the need for a male friend who is about to get married any way?

This statement makes no sense to me. I see no reason why women can't have male friends who are single, engaged, or married. It is archaic to make general statements suggesting that women friends are a risk to a man.

Originally Posted by SouthBond

How strange. It seems that you are playing some kind of game with the females interested in your guy friend. Your desire to attach yourself to your male friend is extremely disrespectful towards the other woman. You need to take care of your own relationship and leave his alone.

I see nothing in the OP that suggests she is "playing some kind of game" or trying to "attach" herself to her guy friend.

She wants to keep her good friend and she's hoping his girlfriend will become comfortable with her and become a friend as well.



I am always perplexed by how people worry that another person will steal their SO away from them. It is their SO that they should focus on, not all the other people out there. If you can trust your SO you have no reason to feel threatened by anyone.

No one can steal someone away who doesn't consent to be taken.

LM

[playinginmacon]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

This statement makes no sense to me.

Dito

I was hoping somebody would say that.

[lovinher]

I agree with Likeminds321, but swingers need to remember that the rest of the world doesn't always think like a swinger. The OP, and swingers in general need to consider that.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I agree with Likeminds321, but swingers need to remember that the rest of the world doesn't always think like a swinger. The OP, and swingers in general need to consider that.

Very good point. Also a good reason to carefully choose which vanilla friends you want knowng you're a swinger. IF this guy is someone who understands swinging, I'd hope that he would help his girlfriend understand it.

Originally Posted by rotten&spoiled

Have any of you ever had this problem? Were you able to mend fences enough to continue to be this persons friend?

I just had a thought; are you talking about mending fences with this guy, and keeping him a friend?

Or are you talking about his girlfriend?

LM

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by SouthBond

How strange. It seems that you are playing some kind of game with the females interested in your guy friend. Your desire to attach yourself to your male friend is extremely disrespectful towards the other woman. You need to take care of your own relationship and leave his alone.

Huh? Would you have said the same thing if the OP had been male and the OP's friends fiance was trying to end the friendship?

The majority of my friends have been men. A couple of whom I dated and just went back to friends, and a couple of guys who were always just friends. Luckily, the three I'm still close to from college ended up with women who did not view my presence as a threat, unlike some of their other girlfriends who seemed to always view me as a rival for the guy's affections.

If anything, the OP's friend's fiance is rather disrespectful of the OP's place in the life of her friend. They are friends for crying out loud! How does that make the OP some kind of game player?

In the end, the gender of a friend shouldn't matter, but for some women it appears to be a huge issue. The OP's fiance appears to be one that is not quite secure as to the OP's role of friend in her fiance's life.

As to the OP, perhaps you might get an opportunity to talk with her and show her that you aren't a threat or rival. The fiance may never understand, however, and your friend may end up ending your friendship, depending on what he chooses to do about it.

Been there, and done that - luckily, my male friends all married women that were cool about the female friend thing!

[iapr]

I don't have any real advice for this specific scenario. the best I can offer is be as nonthreatening as possible and see how it plays out. The truth is when a lot of people get married it changes the dynamics of their single friendships quite a bit whether any of them are involved in the lifestyle or not. She may get over it and she may not. He may decide it is not worth getting her all upset and your contact with him may dwindle. She may have a problem with him having any female friends let alone one that is a swinger.

The real point I would like to make here is that when you have nonswingers that know you are a swinger it is going to cause problems like this. Many vanillas assume that all swingers are ammoral and are screwing everyone all the time. Many people beleive to their core that the only appropriate venue for sexuality is traditional monogamous marriage and that anything else is immoral. I realize there are people that do not like to hide their lifestyle choices and that is their perogative however this is often one of the results of that openess.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by iapr

The real point I would like to make here is that when you have nonswingers that know you are a swinger it is going to cause problems like this. Many vanillas assume that all swingers are ammoral and are screwing everyone all the time. Many people beleive to their core that the only appropriate venue for sexuality is traditional monogamous marriage and that anything else is immoral. I realize there are people that do not like to hide their lifestyle choices and that is their perogative however this is often one of the results of that openess.

This is the #1 reason we don't talk about our choice to vanillas. They just do not understand and have some very harsh preconceived opinions about it.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by SouthBond

How strange. It seems that you are playing some kind of game with the females interested in your guy friend. Your desire to attach yourself to your male friend is extremely disrespectful towards the other woman. You need to take care of your own relationship and leave his alone.

I think you read the wrong post

Now for the OP...

Well your friend is partially right, most swingers are sluts of a kind, what she doesn't know is that we are ethical sluts of a kind. If you know her well enough, just ask her outright if she thinks you would try to cheat with her SO and then explain why you wouldn't.

[BradAndJanet]

Originally Posted by Chicup

...
Well your friend is partially right, most swingers are sluts of a kind, what she doesn't know is that we are ethical sluts of a kind. If you know her well enough, just ask her outright if she thinks you would try to cheat with her SO and then explain why you wouldn't.

Bingo! I think that's what you need to do. My bet is that her insecurity stems from a lack of understanding about exactly what swinging is - not her fault, because most 'vanillas' don't.

-B