Swinger friends now feel they are better than us because they are moving faster

[wewannabebad2]

I just need to rant for a moment. I've written before that we became friends with another couple last year and that I thought we had become good friends. Up until recently both couples were swinger virgins, then they took the leap.

We thought this was wonderful for them and cheered them on. Then we started noticing that they were contacting us less and less. We would try to get ahold of them to set up plans for the weekend and were told no we have plans to go to the local club. So we always say OK and just contact other friends.

Then they started saying little things like we don't think this lifestyle is for you, y'all are too slow. Now that ticked us off because we are not slow we are just choosy. It's almost as if they feel they are now better than us because they've taken the leap and according to them leap quite often. Sometimes it feels like they think it's a competition. We however don't feel like we need to compete with anyone or anything. In our opinion if this happens it happens and if it doesn't it's not the end of the world.

I have told them time and time again that I'm sorry we will not go to the local adult clubs. And the no adult club rule is my husband's wishes and I need to respect him. Yet I feel like we are being put down and ostracized because we will not go. Everyone just keep saying, "nobody's going to tell on you because if they do their telling on themselves". We understand this but do not understand why people cannot understand our wishes to not risk it.

I have pretty much chalked this friendship up to nothing and just ended it. Am I being too petty?

[havefuninsun]

We understand the club thing. I'm VERY curious about going, but Mr. Fun is very cautious because of his job ... and, as you've read on this board 1,000 of times, you go at the pace of the slowest person.

This is not meant to be a slam by any means, so read it with an open mind.

I think you may be jealous a bit. Obviously, you guys want to do this; you're excited about doing this. You met a fun couple who was in the same boat. Well, they took off their bathing suits and jumped in the deep in ... and you haven't yet. And they're very excited about their adventures ... they're telling you all about it. Because they're excited, not because they want you guys to feel bad. But it DOES make you feel bad because you want to go swimming too, they didn't wait for you, and (possibly) you are not going to share your cherry with each other.

You don't hear from them as much because they met you to swing with -- let's be real. That's the purpose of you both meeting each other to begin with. Now that they have friends that they CAN indeed swing with, those people are more interesting to them.

Your friendship was based on your swinging with them. It's not the same kind of friendship you have with your "vanilla" friends.

I don't think you're being petty -- I think your feelings and emotions are on target. Just recognize where they're coming from ... and not that they weren't friends to begin with because they don't want to hang out with you guys anymore. Frankly, they're just more interested in hanging out with people who are getting freaky with them.

With all that said -- MOVE AT YOUR OWN PACE. If you guys were not ready to take that leap yet, then DON'T. Keep talking to people ... when the right folks come along, you may find that you can't get out of that swimsuit fast enough to jump off the high dive.

Good luck!!

[daisy girl]

Sorry to hear about your experience. Let me share a similar tale with you. We were swinger virgins last year. We met a couple and we became friends. THey disclosed that they were swingers and became our "mentors." THey were soft swap and strongly encouraged us to be soft as well.

Well, to make a long story short, we became full swap and they became very "weird" toward us. They made comments regarding how we would be seen as loose. Needless to say, we are not friends anymore.

The moral of the story is that every couple must make their own decision regarding their swinging activities. It is not fair for others to judge your activities.

[wewannabebad2]

I agree wholeheartedly. It should be everybody's personal decision on what they are willing to do and not willing to do.

As far as being jealous no we are not. Yes we had originally met as swinger friends but soon realized it wasn't going to work. Then we decided to just be friends as in vanilla friends. Which we are totally cool with our profile at that time even said that vanilla friends are always welcome. I guess what I'm trying to say it is hard to be jealous of something that just isn't your style. The leap that they took was not our style we were shocked but not envious or jealous. It's kind of like they say to each their own. I'm just tired of the local swingers in our area judging us because we won't go and do the things that they do.

It's like we said the life or death of our marriage does not depend on whether we swing or not it is just something that we wanted to do together, but if it doesn't happen it's OK. We are actually happy that it has worked for them.

I'm going to stop ranting now because I'm starting to sound like my mother/mother-in-law and that's just downright scary....

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

I agree wholeheartedly. It should be everybody's personal decision on what they are willing to do and not willing to do.

As far as being jealous no we are not. Yes we had originally met as swinger friends but soon realized it wasn't going to work. Then we decided to just be friends as in vanilla friends. Which we are totally cool with our profile at that time even said that vanilla friends are always welcome. I guess what I'm trying to say it is hard to be jealous of something that just isn't your style. The leap that they took was not our style we were shocked but not envious or jealous. It's kind of like they say to each their own. I'm just tired of the local swingers in our area judging us because we won't go and do the things that they do.

It's like we said the life or death of our marriage does not depend on whether we swing or not it is just something that we wanted to do together, but if it doesn't happen it's OK. We are actually happy that it has worked for them.

I'm going to stop ranting now because I'm starting to sound like my mother/mother-in-law and that's just downright scary....

Ohh -- I misunderstood. Sorry about that ... you were vanilla friends all along; they weren't a compatible swing couple for you. Got it.

It seems like they were out looking for the compatible swing couple, though. So, maybe they didn't value your friendship as much ... sad, that. But, as you said, you can go on and caulk it up to a learning experience.

What a bummer though.

[SandJinVT]

Just a quick question, if you don't mind because I was confused when I read this thread from beginning to end.

Did you and your hubby ever TELL them that it wasn't going to work for you sexually and that you wanted to be only vanilla friends with them? From our experience, lots of swingers save the "vanilla" type activities for after the play, so perhaps they didn't understand what direction the two of you were coming from? I may be completely off base here, but if so, I apologize. S

[good times]

Maybe I am misunderstanding this but it sounds to me like they are moving at a faster pace than you and have just moved on. Most people have a limited amount of time available and if someone is not moving at their pace they move on to others. While it is cool to end up being good friends with people you meet through swinging, that isn't the primary reason most people get into swinging. So, it isn't any surprise to me that when you decided you just wanted to be friends with these people that they moved on to others and don't have as much time to spend with you.

[JustAskJulie]

This reminds me of something my single friend says to me pretty often.... when he gets into situations with women he is interested in only to find out that they want to be "just friends". His response... "I have enough friends". Not to say that we can't all use more friends but in reality most of us just don't have time to maintain friendships with more than a small core group of friends, which typically means that if we meet new friends that are more compatible with us one or more of those old friends who weren't so compatible will drop away.

No one is in the wrong here. You've just gone different directions. If you aren't into going to clubs that doesnt' mean you aren't cut out for swinging... it just limits how you will swing and with whom. Keep looking and keep having fun together.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

Then they started saying little things like we don't think this lifestyle is for you, y'all are too slow. Now that ticked us off because we are not slow we are just choosy.

Rightfully so. Who in THE hell are they to tell you what is and is not right for you? How would they know? If they truly feel that the lifestyle is only for those who drop their drawers with the greatest of ease, I suspect they're going to eventually burn out. It's not about sex, nor about competition. It's about the couple and getting the most out of life. Too slow?? No, you're not too slow. You're moving at exactly the right pace for you. If they want to race on ahead, then that's fine. It simply means your paces are incompatible. It does NOT mean that you are "too slow".

No, I'd say you have enough reason to be annoyed with them. If they really want to persist with te condescension and unsolicited negative opinions, it is in your best interest to cut ties. No need to clutter up one's life with negative people.

Note: We have run into people who were "time wasters". They were definitely too slow, but our frustration sprung from the way they strung us along. Being new at it, we courted them for months, exchanged at least a hundred photos (and they still wanted more) met for dinner a few times, and each time were sent home puzzled. Everything seemed to be going nicely, but it never progressed. The final straw was the night they plied us with drinks and then shoved us out their door to drive home - drunk - in a blizzard. We were always kept at arms length although their ad stated plainly that they wanted to be "friends first" (another newbie oversight). Friends don't treat their friends that way. Hell, you don't treat complete strangers that way. This is the only case where you have a reason to be pissed at someone for going too slow. We were too drunk to screw. We just wanted to spend the night on their living room floor for crying out loud!

Nope, you guys were honest with them and you are respecting yourselves and your relationship. If they can't respect that...screw 'em. Figuratively speaking.

[curiousagain]

I just want to ditto some things that have already been said. Y'all are going at a different pace, you don't want to swing with them and they don't want to spend time with people who don't want to swing with them. Life comes at you pretty fast and everyone's time is limited. One has to make decisions how to spend that time and who with. That is one reason I don't IM or email a lot before meeting people. I've only got so much time and I figure an email or two and we meet and things either flow or they don't and then we move on either to play the next time or not meet again. Anyone that wants to email/im/phone call a bunch and get to know me and become good friends before we swing is not moving at my pace and I'd rather we not waste each other's time. I'm already having sex with female friends when they're between boyfriends and being the other M in MFM etc. with friends so I'm not looking for more friends. It doesn't mean anybody is wrong, just different. But, I wouldn't keep subjecting myself to negative comments I felt were unwarranted either. Clearly, it's time to go separate ways.

[wewannabebad2]

Thank you to everyone who responded. This has just been so frustrating. Sometimes it just feels like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
We understand the whole concept that friendships fall apart. And we understand not having a lot of time believe me when I say we understand that. I guess we just have a lot to learn. We have however learned one thing, for us our true friends are vanilla friends. The people we have met who are swingers only seem to want our friendship if they're going to get something meaning sex. I guess we want something more than this I'm not talking polyamory but we want more than just one night fuck buddies.
I*the wife half*I'm the one that initiated all of this for us, I thought it would be fun for us. The further I go however I'm finding it not fun. Maybe we've met the wrong people I don't know. All I know is that all we have ran into in our area are people who seem to be shallow, self-centered, and closed minded. Like I was chatting with with a couple the other morning. They wanted to exchange pictures and I told them all I had are G rated and they said that was cool because that's all they had to. The minute I sent our picture they quit talking and never sent theirs.WTF?
So I don't know. I think we're going to take some time away from this. I think my husband has the right idea if we are meant to swing it will happen when we least expect it. Until then however we're going to enjoy the company of our true friends.

[Menage_a_Trois]

We have waited to respond to this post because it has touched a nerve with us on a couple of different levels, so our apologies if this sounds like a rant.......
Also this is JUST our opinion doesn’t make it right or wrong just our perspective.

The reality is that swinging, the "lifestyle" doesn't just happen when you least expect it. It takes a lot of effort to find a couple or person that you feel comfortable enough with to have sex. And to do that you have to meet them either in person at a club or other lifestyle function OR through some other types of lifestyle connection such as a swinging websites, area swinging magazines, newspaper ads, I remember several years ago there were phone numbers where you could place a vocal ad and listen to others. Whatever means you choose to use it takes some concerted effort to find and meet people.

It amazes me how many new people try to make this out to be more than it really is. Bottom line is that swinging is about having SEX with someone other than your SO. Yes it is always nice when you meet a couple that you click with on levels that develop into a friendship, but the reality is that JUST like in the "vanilla" world you meet a lot of people and MOST of them are just acquaintances, even the people that you may play with( have sex with). Developing true friendship takes time and doesn't just happen even when that is what we tell ourselves we need to have before having sex. Anyone who approaches the lifestyle with the idea that we have to be friends first before anything sexual happens or the idea that they want the other couple to want more than just sex is doomed to failure. I am not saying that developing friends is not a good idea or that it is impossible. I am saying that just like in the “vanilla” world making friends just doesn’t happen instantly or over night. The reality of it is MOST (80% or more) of the people that you will meet AND play with will be a once or twice thing. Not that you plan it that way, it is just the way it seems to happen. And I am NOT talking about people who are willing to play with just anyone. I am talking about people who are selective and don’t just hop in the sac with whoever is willing. You meet a couple everyone is getting along great no one is rushing to play, eventually you all decide to swing( soft, full or whatever you are all comfortable with), everyone is on the same page, the stars are in alignment, whatever the "signs" are that you know this is the couple you are ready to have SEX with. Then afterwards for one reason or another either you or the other couple decide that there is NO reason to go there again. No one planned it that way, no one expected it, but it just happened. Maybe they weren't as fun as you thought they would be, maybe you weren't as fun as they thought you would be, maybe you had fun, but your SO other didn't click sexually with the other person, maybe your SO other had a great time but you didn't click with your play partner. And lots of other possibilities no one thought would happen, but they did and now you just don't go there again. That doesn't mean that you still don't click with this couple on other levels, but sexually things just didn't work out for you or them or both. So you don't play with them again, BUT neither of you would ever know that UNTIL you actually play (have SEX). The ones that are hard to take are the times you meet a couple and you all just click, it is like you have known each other for years, they share the same ideas and interest about swinging and other activates, everyone is getting along famously, you know that there is a true friendship starting to develop, everyone agrees to take things further and play( have sex), it ends up be awesome just the way swinging with friends is suppose to be, everyone is into it, everyone is clicking sexually and everyone has mind blowing sex, afterwards you talk about getting together and how you all know this is the start of an awesome friendship and even make plans on the next get together, then the next day it is like they have fallen off the face of the earth, they don’t call or email, they don’t return yours, there is no rhyme or reason as to why there is JUST no contact what so ever, you are left scratching your head about what went wrong or what happened, this is the type of couple that we were looking for our perfect couple, and “POOF” they are gone. This happens to all of us and no amount of planning or talking or being selective is going to keep this from happening. Does it make any sense, no. Does it get any easier, no, but it is just how things work out. So you dust yourself off and move on. There is an old saying that you can't fly a plane by the book, meaning that you can read all about it and know the manuals inside and out, but there is a certain part about flying that you just have to do to learn. Well swinging is a LOT like that you can read and talk and plan all you want, BUT until you actual HAVE SEX with others you will never know how you or your SO will react and IF it will work for you!! It amazes me how many new couples WAY over think all this. There is NO amount of reading, talking, imagining, pictures, daydreaming, or crystal balls that will let you know if swinging is for you or your SO. I am NOT saying to rush into anything. You have to take things at you and your SO comfort levels, but too many people have talked the subject to death and researched it beyond a PhD. thesis. Looking for a solution or definitive answer as to if they should go forward. At the end of the day the only way you are going to know is to try it. If you are afraid that it will cause damage to your relationship; then you need to just walk away, the lifestyle isn't for you. If you and your SO can't trust each other or understand that you are both experimenting as you go along and you or they are going to let what happens effect your relationship then you are DEFINATELY not cut out for the lifestyle. Swinging is about RECREATIONAL SEX. If things develop beyond that great! But at the end of the day it is still about SEX with other people. I hear too many people trying to rationalize it by trying to make it something more. I think they do that to tell themselves and their SO that it is ok to have sex with others if there is more to it than just sex. It can develop into more, but we are all here for the same thing SEX, whether everyone is willing to admit it or not is another story. We love friends with benefits (sex), but that is something that develops over time. We have enjoyed the lifestyle for several years and have made some great FRIENDS, but also have lots of special acquaintances, and through it all have had lots of fun, we wouldn’t change a thing.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by Menage_a_Trois

It amazes me how many new people try to make this out to be more than it really is. Bottom line is that swinging is about having SEX with someone other than your SO.

It amazes me how many new couples WAY over think all this.

If you are afraid that it will cause damage to your relationship; then you need to just walk away, the lifestyle isn't for you. If you and your SO can't trust each other or understand that you are both experimenting as you go along and you or they are going to let what happens effect your relationship then you are DEFINATELY not cut out for the lifestyle. Swinging is about RECREATIONAL SEX.

That pretty well sums it up. Great Post!

[LikeMinds321]

Great post Menage a Trois!

There are so many pearls of wisdom in your post.

This thread has been eating at me from the start as well, and I didn't know what it was that gnawed at me. But now that you have posted I know exactly what it was; the OP was bringing things to mind that touched on swinging in general...on so many levels, and Menage a Trois addressed them.

LM

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

Thank you to everyone who responded. This has just been so frustrating. Sometimes it just feels like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
We understand the whole concept that friendships fall apart. And we understand not having a lot of time believe me when I say we understand that. I guess we just have a lot to learn. We have however learned one thing, for us our true friends are vanilla friends. The people we have met who are swingers only seem to want our friendship if they're going to get something meaning sex. I guess we want something more than this I'm not talking polyamory but we want more than just one night fuck buddies.
I*the wife half*I'm the one that initiated all of this for us, I thought it would be fun for us. The further I go however I'm finding it not fun. Maybe we've met the wrong people I don't know. All I know is that all we have ran into in our area are people who seem to be shallow, self-centered, and closed minded. Like I was chatting with with a couple the other morning. They wanted to exchange pictures and I told them all I had are G rated and they said that was cool because that's all they had to. The minute I sent our picture they quit talking and never sent theirs.WTF?
So I don't know. I think we're going to take some time away from this. I think my husband has the right idea if we are meant to swing it will happen when we least expect it. Until then however we're going to enjoy the company of our true friends.

So let me see...

*You won't go to the club where everyone meets.

*Your Swing Lifestyle profile has no public pictures and only one private picture.

*Your profile still indicates that you are more interested in single females (in high demand) than couples.

*Your profile still has a lot of negatives in it. "Don't contact us if you are into mind games" just sounds bitter to me. "She cannot stand xxx"... "She insists on yyy"... sounds like you could be hard to get along with.

*You have a disability that while not something you can change, it's just a fact that many people will take a pass on someone in a wheelchair. (from your other thread) This reduces the possible matches for you right from the start. To overcome this, you should try to make yourselves more fun, attractive, etc. in other ways.

*You want to be "friends first", which you say is somewhere between jumping in bed on the first date and polyamory. But you don't say much in either of your threads that gives guidance on how long someone can expect to wait. And so far, you haven't swung at all... do you really want to, or do you just want to think you're the swinging type?

*You don't understand that swingers want to swing, not just hang out with other swingers.

*You think swinging will happen "when you least expect it". I am with Menage on this (fabulous post Menage!!)... finding swing partners takes effort, at least for all but a few people.

Whew...

I'd say you have a lot stacked up against you, some of which you can unstack with a bit of effort, some of which will remain the same.

I think should look at how you can be more positive and accomodating to other people, because so far it looks like they have to accomodate you a lot. If people have to work around too many things, it makes you that much less attractive as swing partners or as friends.