Swinger friends now feel they are better than us because they are moving faster

[wewannabebad2]

The Fuse

I do not believe I have asked for ANY accomodations, so please back up and regroup. I will attempt to address each and every one of your points.

* *You won't go to the club where everyone meets.

If I remember I said we will not meet at adult clubs in our area. This is in our profile because other seasoned swingers told us to put it there. These clubs happen to be off limits to all military personnel. Yes we know that some still go but that is their business and their career they are risking. We currently are not allowed to travel more than 50 miles away from our duty station therefore it makes it a little difficult for us to go to any adult clubs whatsoever because if we could go to Houston or Dallas we would go in a heartbeat. We have attempted to go to the local meet and greet, but my husband schedule doesn't always permit.

*Your Swing Lifestyle profile has no public pictures and only one private picture.

Lots of people only have private pictures and do just fine. All people have to do is ask and we will let them see. But considering the fact that my sister was able to find our profile just by typing in our ID on Google makes me not want to put our picture out there.

*Your profile still indicates that you are more interested in single females (in high demand) than couples.

Okay the last time we went over this we were told to put what we are interested in and that is what we've done so what's the problem? I do believe we also put in their that we are open to anything if the chemistry is right. So once again I ask what is wrong with what we're looking for besides the fact that it may take longer to find the right person/people.

*Your profile still has a lot of negatives in it. "Don't contact us if you are into mind games" just sounds bitter to me. "She cannot stand xxx"... "She insists on yyy"... sounds like you could be hard to get along with.

Well, we're not into mind games and I've seen the same thing on lots of peoples profiles. And I was referring to horror movies they give me nightmares. I was simply telling a little about myself giving a little insight into my personality. I prefer catch and release fishing once again a little insight into my personality but if those are negatives then so be it.

*You have a disability that while not something you can change, it's just a fact that many people will take a pass on someone in a wheelchair. (from your other thread) This reduces the possible matches for you right from the start. To overcome this, you should try to make yourselves more fun, attractive, etc. in other ways.

Well considering the fact that you don't know me and you don't know if I'm fun, pretty or as you put it attractive I think this is an unfair things to say. But just in case I'm missing something please enlighten me on how I could make myself more attractive. If people have a problem with my wheelchair that is their problem I do not ask for any more of an accommodations than is necessary. I'm sorry so I also don't believe that my disability should stop me from doing the things that I want you. If disability makes people uncomfortable I'm sorry but I don't say anything or tell people to participate because their laugh bothers me or the way they look at me makes me uncomfortable. Before I go places I check out where I'm going if it looks like I'm not going to be able to fully enjoy myself I don't go. If it's something simple I take care of it myself and go anyways.

*You don't understand that swingers want to swing, not just hang out with other swingers.

ummmmm... where did this come from?

*You want to be "friends first", which you say is somewhere between jumping in bed on the first date and polyamory. But you don't say much in either of your threads that gives guidance on how long someone can expect to wait. And so far, you haven't swung at all... do you really want to, or do you just want to think you're the swinging type?

I see nothing wrong in wanting to be friends before I jump into bed. See, if I put in my profile no sex on the first meet you would then tell me that I'm being negative and pushing away potential playmates. So which is it do I tell people the truth in my profile or do I put what they want to hear? I have put nothing but the truth in our profile and yet it doesn't seem to be enough. Yes I want to swing if I didn't do you really think I would be on here subjecting myself for daily rejection? I think not.

*You think swinging will happen "when you least expect it". I am with Menage on this (fabulous post Menage!!)... finding swing partners takes effort, at least for all but a few people.

See I have to disagree just a little because good things do happen when you least expect it. I met my wonderful husband when I least expected it and wasn't even looking. I did not mean this in a way to say that we were not going to put forth any effort, but rather that we were going to enjoy what we have because come on sex is sex. If we have random sex then we do... if not oh well, it's not the end of world.

So yes things may be stacked against us, but I have lived through worse. If that says something negative about me well I'm sorry. I'll remember from this day forward to not post my frustrations or my feeling on here. I'm going to encourage my husband to voice his opinion also since mine is apparently so wrong.

[flkeyscouple]

Great post Menage! You said it perfectly!!

[The Fuse]

wewannabebad2,

I apologize for the harsh tone of my post. However, I stand by my opinions.

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

The Fuse

I do not believe I have asked for ANY accomodations, so please back up and regroup. I will attempt to address each and every one of your points.

* *You won't go to the club where everyone meets.

If I remember I said we will not meet at adult clubs in our area. This is in our profile because other seasoned swingers told us to put it there. These clubs happen to be off limits to all military personnel. Yes we know that some still go but that is their business and their career they are risking. We currently are not allowed to travel more than 50 miles away from our duty station therefore it makes it a little difficult for us to go to any adult clubs whatsoever because if we could go to Houston or Dallas we would go in a heartbeat. We have attempted to go to the local meet and greet, but my husband schedule doesn't always permit.

From your other thread: Ready to throw in the towel : "Yet here is where it gets tricky every couple that we talk to insist on meeting at this club. And when we say no we can't they drop was like a hot potato."

You may have good reasons, but the fact is that you are asking for accommodation by not meeting the way everyone seems to want to meet. I think it's good that that is in your profile, since it's a consideration in your area. However, you should realize you are asking people who prefer to meet that way, to work around your restriction. That is what I mean by accommodation.

I'm assuming your husband has a security clearance and doesn't want to jeapordize it. Good for him for standing firm. From what you wrote previously, though, it does make things a bit more difficult.

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

*Your Swing Lifestyle profile has no public pictures and only one private picture.

Lots of people only have private pictures and do just fine. All people have to do is ask and we will let them see. But considering the fact that my sister was able to find our profile just by typing in our ID on Google makes me not want to put our picture out there.

If you want people to be interested in your profile in higher numbers, which would increase your chances of finding what you want, then a few public pictures are very important. By waiting for others to ask, you are again making them take the extra step.

It's a free profile. Couldn't you make a new one, with a new ID, and post a couple of pictures?

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

*Your profile still indicates that you are more interested in single females (in high demand) than couples.

Okay the last time we went over this we were told to put what we are interested in and that is what we've done so what's the problem? I do believe we also put in their that we are open to anything if the chemistry is right. So once again I ask what is wrong with what we're looking for besides the fact that it may take longer to find the right person/people.

You should state what you are looking for. But, as above, you should also recognize that by looking for something that is in high demand (single females), you have a little bit of an obstacle to overcome! Therefore, you need to set yourself apart from the rest of the world who are seeking the same thing. At least, you should recognize that it puts you at a disadvantage and as a couple, you need to overcome that disadvantage. I don't envy your search for a single female... that's a challenge.

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

*Your profile still has a lot of negatives in it. "Don't contact us if you are into mind games" just sounds bitter to me. "She cannot stand xxx"... "She insists on yyy"... sounds like you could be hard to get along with.

Well, we're not into mind games and I've seen the same thing on lots of peoples profiles.

Yes, I see it too... and every time I see it, I roll my eyes. Why? Because it's like saying "No assholes". It's obvious. It doesn't need to be said. My opinion is that it detracts from your profile, rather than adding value to it. But that is a minor point. It doesn't create any obstacles, so... sorry for mentioning it.

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

And I was referring to horror movies they give me nightmares. I was simply telling a little about myself giving a little insight into my personality. I prefer catch and release fishing once again a little insight into my personality but if those are negatives then so be it.

It's the tone of "she cannot stand..." that's important here, rather than the specific dislike. I think it's cute that you don't want to see horror movies. I don't like them either, but I'd put it a more positive light, such as "No horror movies, please!"

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

*You have a disability that while not something you can change, it's just a fact that many people will take a pass on someone in a wheelchair. (from your other thread) This reduces the possible matches for you right from the start. To overcome this, you should try to make yourselves more fun, attractive, etc. in other ways.

Well considering the fact that you don't know me and you don't know if I'm fun, pretty or as you put it attractive I think this is an unfair things to say. But just in case I'm missing something please enlighten me on how I could make myself more attractive. If people have a problem with my wheelchair that is their problem I do not ask for any more of an accommodations than is necessary. I'm sorry so I also don't believe that my disability should stop me from doing the things that I want you. If disability makes people uncomfortable I'm sorry but I don't say anything or tell people to participate because their laugh bothers me or the way they look at me makes me uncomfortable. Before I go places I check out where I'm going if it looks like I'm not going to be able to fully enjoy myself I don't go. If it's something simple I take care of it myself and go anyways.

Maybe I should have put it in a different way... you are trying to overcome several obstacles to meeting and clicking with other people: no public pictures, the wheelchair, not going to the club... All I am saying is that you should realize that and try to bring out the offsetting qualities you surely have.

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

*You don't understand that swingers want to swing, not just hang out with other swingers.

ummmmm... where did this come from?

From your original post! Your friends turned into active swingers. They are swinging. They hang out with you less. You didn't seem to understand that. You also seem to be looking for a longer-term relationship before swinging... but others have addressed that in this thread.

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

*You want to be "friends first", which you say is somewhere between jumping in bed on the first date and polyamory. But you don't say much in either of your threads that gives guidance on how long someone can expect to wait. And so far, you haven't swung at all... do you really want to, or do you just want to think you're the swinging type?

I see nothing wrong in wanting to be friends before I jump into bed. See, if I put in my profile no sex on the first meet you would then tell me that I'm being negative and pushing away potential playmates.

No, I wouldn't. I just want to know that if we all like each other, you want to swing before we're all a lot older. What level of comfort or friendship are you looking for?

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

So which is it do I tell people the truth in my profile or do I put what they want to hear? I have put nothing but the truth in our profile and yet it doesn't seem to be enough. Yes I want to swing if I didn't do you really think I would be on here subjecting myself for daily rejection? I think not.

*You think swinging will happen "when you least expect it". I am with Menage on this (fabulous post Menage!!)... finding swing partners takes effort, at least for all but a few people.

See I have to disagree just a little because good things do happen when you least expect it. I met my wonderful husband when I least expected it and wasn't even looking. I did not mean this in a way to say that we were not going to put forth any effort, but rather that we were going to enjoy what we have because come on sex is sex. If we have random sex then we do... if not oh well, it's not the end of world.

So yes things may be stacked against us, but I have lived through worse. If that says something negative about me well I'm sorry. I'll remember from this day forward to not post my frustrations or my feeling on here. I'm going to encourage my husband to voice his opinion also since mine is apparently so wrong.

When you post opinions or frustrations on here, some will agree and some will disagree. But we always respect one another.

[daisy girl]

Just wanted to mention something...the vast majority of swingers are discrete and have jobs or families that would not approve of their activities. I mention this because of you not having at least one pic open for people to see. We have public pics that are sexy and do not show our faces. I think this encourages others to contact us because they can clearly see our body dimensions. We only open face pics to those that we feel comfortable with.

Hubby and I are both in high profile professions so I understand the dangers associated with swinging, but posting a cute anonymous pic would give you more interest.

Just a thought

[intuition897]

Mr. intuition and I have never gone to a local club either. It's a risk we have just refused to take. Instead we travel 3 1/2 hours to get to one in Mississauga (west end of Toronto). I know that's not a possibility for you, but I'm just saying that I can understand your desire to not want to take such a risk. Even at the club that was in Mississauga, we saw one of Mr.'s co-workers! And to make matters worse, he wasn't one of the "good" ones. The guy was a real idiot apparently, so we could not trust him to be discrete. Luckily he didn't see us.

We have tried the "friends first" route and it just didn't work. Inevitibly, it always boiled down to, "You don't really like me, you just want to get in my pants!" To which they replied, "Well, duh!"

We found that the time and effort it took to try and make nice with potential partners was completely wasted. In the end, it was just about chemistry. For us, chemistry doesn't happen unless we like you as people, though. So we became quite good at sizing people up quickly over dinner or a drink. We asked key questions and if we liked the answers, the chemistry was much better. For example, if we discovered that they were cheating (married but not to each other) or that they didn't have a problem with cheaters, or if they had little respect for others or themselves, or if they just didn't "get" what swinging was about, or if we suspected their relationship was troubled...this is a turn-off. But if they seem like good people and the sparks are flying, we would go ahead and play! There's time afterward to get to know one another.

For us, we discovered it was a mistake to think we needed some kind of emotional relationship with them. We were deluding ourselves, trying to make ourselves feel more secure about the idea of having sex for recreational purposes. Something like that. The reality was that having to create this kind of fantasy for ourselves actually cheapened the experience because there was no denying that whatever it was, it was not our definition of a "real" friendship.

We've changed our minds now. Now we do want friends who are swingers. I mean that after we've gotten what we wanted from one another sexually, we notice that hey! these are pretty cool people. We're comfortable with them and we'd love to hang out with them on a regular basis doing normal stuff like going to movies or dinner or hanging out in one another's back yards for a BBQ. People you'd call to ask for advice or just to say hello. People you pay with beer to help you move your sofa.

For us, friendship needs to come after the fact, not before. But your mileage may vary.

[Menage_a_Trois]

Intuition makes alot of great points. A lot of us started out with similar ideas and have come to the same conclusions. Mr and Mrs Menage were lucky to meet a couple soon after they started swinging that helped them understand and gave them a place to ask questions and get advise, a mentor if you will. We have made several friends in the lifestyle that we do all sorts of activities with.

Originally Posted by intuition897

Now we do want friends who are swingers. I mean that after we've gotten what we wanted from one another sexually, we notice that hey! these are pretty cool people. We're comfortable with them and we'd love to hang out with them on a regular basis doing normal stuff like going to movies or dinner or hanging out in one another's back yards for a BBQ. People you'd call to ask for advice or just to say hello. People you pay with beer to help you move your sofa.

For us, friendship needs to come after the fact, not before. But your mileage may vary.

We couldn't have said this any better ourselves!
Thanks for the GREAT post!!

[wewannabebad2]

Well, I shared all of this with my husband. He just shook his head and said well I don't know what to say. Never in our wildest dreams would we have thought that this would have been so hard. It was easier to get laid in college, even in high school for that matter and now that we think about it maybe we should of been promiscuous. At that time however we were still trying to fit into social norms which was abstinence. Now that we are more open and free we are basically told we're not desirable because of one reason or another.
I have never let anything stop me in the past, but I have a feeling I'm just beating my head against a stone wall. As has been pointed out there are just too many obstacles. Maybe someday we will be able to be as free and open as some of the people on here, but until then it's just not possible. We hope to someday find the right person/persons. I know that some of you are going to say that that is not being realistic or in the true sense of swinging and therefore give our apology now because I don't think I can handle having my head ripped off again. :surrender
I do however wants to say thank you to the ones of you that have been supportive and understanding. You have given us many ideas and topics to discuss.

[socolais]

I have no experience to suggest this idea is effective or desirable, but it does have the advantage of being a fresh breath in this thread. Significant limitations call for creative solutions.

The issues between you two and the newby swinging couple COULD easily be based on miscommunication. You've had a few fun moments together. If everyone can restore the rapport, yall can work as a team for greater effectiveness. They have some understanding of your swinging preferences even though it may not be consistent with their preferences. Ask them if they have met any swingers that they feel would be a good match for you two. Explore that path and see what happens.

Wishing you all the good luck in swingerdom

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by wewannabebad2

Well, I shared all of this with my husband. He just shook his head and said well I don't know what to say. Never in our wildest dreams would we have thought that this would have been so hard. It was easier to get laid in college, even in high school for that matter and now that we think about it maybe we should of been promiscuous. At that time however we were still trying to fit into social norms which was abstinence. Now that we are more open and free we are basically told we're not desirable because of one reason or another.
I have never let anything stop me in the past, but I have a feeling I'm just beating my head against a stone wall. As has been pointed out there are just too many obstacles. Maybe someday we will be able to be as free and open as some of the people on here, but until then it's just not possible. We hope to someday find the right person/persons. I know that some of you are going to say that that is not being realistic or in the true sense of swinging and therefore give our apology now because I don't think I can handle having my head ripped off again. :surrender
I do however wants to say thank you to the ones of you that have been supportive and understanding. You have given us many ideas and topics to discuss.

Sorry you feel so frustrated. We, too, have different obstacles to overcome, some self-inflicted and some not. We haven't played as much as we would have liked this past year or so, but it is what it is. There are things we just won't bend on, like you guys.

I want to say though, we recently put up a public pic. We had always had our pics private ... since we put up the public pic, we have had a lot more interest. Check it out -- our Swing Lifestyle name is the same as this. It does not, at all, show "us;" I don't think if a co-worker or my sister, or my mother were to run across this ad they would have any idea it was me and Mr. Fun. I love this picture though. The uncropped one is VERY sexy, if I do say so myself! But it's not suitable for our profile.

I know if we had more pics, if we were willing to share face pics more readily, etc., we would have more suiters. But, as I said, we operate how we're comfortable, so it does take us longer to meet folks. You guys sound like you're in the same boat.

I know it feels like you've been jumped on, but I wish you didn't feel that way. Folks around here are just trying to be helpful ... really. You can't write with the same infliction as if you were just having a conversation with someone ... and written words sometimes feel harsh. I've personally met some of the folks who post on this board, and I can truly say they are warm and good hearted individuals, and would never say anything purposefully to upset you.

Please don't feel shy to post, to vent, etc. I've felt a tiny sting of constructive criticism before, and I've learned to develop thick skin and take it for what it's intended.

[The Fuse]

I want to wish you the best of luck. You are obviously a strong person and someone who's used to working around things that would otherwise hold you back. I have been overly critical, but I'm just some stranger on the Internet. If I don't make sense, don't listen to me.

There's no "true" sense of swinging. Everyone does it in their own way. Sticking to your guns may make finding good matches a little harder, but that's no reason not to pursue it if you want to do it!

I've read many posts on this Board from people who took a very long time to find swing partners, and were very happy they persisted. That could easily be you sooner or later, so please don't let anything here discourage you! As havefuninsun said, we're trying in our clumsy way to help. I read my own words and think "I know I don't come across that way in person".

I hope you hang around, read some more and post some more. It's a great community.