Want to find professional couples we can be friends with

[funguy500]

I have never written a message like this in my life. However, my wife and I are at our wits end with swinging in general. We have encountered so much frustration over the last year that I have decided to write this in the hopes that someone can help us. We need advice and we need it bad. If things don’t improve we are going to quit the lifestyle all together. It just isn’t worth the frustration that we are experiencing. This is supposed to be fun, right?
I guess the first question I should pose to everyone is, Is there any other couples like us that swing? About 2 years ago when I decided to research swinging, I talked to many couples. I wanted to research the topic well so I could bring the idea to my wife and have all the facts for her. Anyways, I talked to a lot of people. They all assured me that there are many different people that do this sort of thing. A lot of them are professional people, just like us. People like doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc. Well, can I ask.. Where are these people?? It’s been 2 years and we are still looking for them. Not to say that people in non-professional careers are bad people, but the whole idea to us was we wanted to find people we had things in common with. We wanted to have fun with these people out of the bedroom as well and hopefully become friends. We aren’t the type of people that would just ‘do” a couple then never seem the again. We wanted people who felt the same way. I posed that question to many couples in my research. What do you think they said? They said, “sure sure, alot of couples want that”. Well, WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE? It’s been 2 years and we haven’t found them either.
My wife and agreed when we started swinging that it was never going to be a “lifestyle” thing for us. It was something we wanted to do for fun and didn’t want it to become an obsession. Hardcore swingers we definitely aren’t, and it seems like all the couples we meet are hardcore swingers. Let me ask everyone.. Do people like us exist? My wife and I want to meet couples that, like us, are professionals, like other things besides swinging, and are willing to be friends outside the bedroom as well as in. We are looking for a couple we can go out with one night, have incredible sex with, but then the next night have them over for dinner to just hang out and watch a movie. Do these kinds of people exist? People that arent interested in playing games. People that just wanna have HOT SEX and make friends.
For the past year now, its been one frustration after another with the Swing Lifestyle website and the parties we have attended. I must say however, that Swing Lifestyle has been the worse one out of those two things. I would have to say that a good 80% of the couples on that site fall into the following groups: a)men posing as couples, b)couples that never plan to meet anyone, they just like the thrill of talking to people about swinging, c)the kind of people that never want to commit to meeting , d)the people that say they are too busy and yet are on the Swing Lifestyle site 24/7, e) the infamous pic traders and f) just fake people in general that like to play games. We are all the REAL couples? Are they on different swinging sites? Again, I’m sure there are a lot of great couples out there, but we have not really been able to find any and we don’t know what we are doing wrong. People don’t even have the common courtesy to email back when you write them. What’s up with that? It’s so rude.
We did have our share of good luck when we first started swinging but after 2-3 couples, it all went downhill. Most are just fake people. People who string you along then cancel out of meeting or stand you up all together. We just wanna meet a nice couple like us that matches what we want, and not the mold of the standard hardcore swinger. Dont get me wrong, my wife and I know how to have fun, but we aren’t as brazen about it as some swingers, if that makes any sense. Discretion is a key thing with us.
Anyways, I feel a lot better get all this out and I appreciate everyone that took the time to read it. Now what? Does any have any advice for us. We are a good looking, mid-30’s couple, height/weight proportionate and wanna have fun with other couples! We live in the Central NY area and if you are reading this and think we might be compatible, please email us at cutecnycpl@yahoo.com. Also, please, this email is not intended to bash people. We posted this in order to see what we are doing wrong and hopefully continue swinging rather than quitting all together.

[SJK977]

We have had some of the same problems as you. In a year, we have 3 experiences. As for "professional", that depends on what you're talking about. From what you describe, you seem to mean more of a highly educated type. There are plenty of professionals around who did not complete extensive schooling and training such as doctors and lawyers, so maybe you need to adjust your expectations accordingly. It's definitely work to find compatible couples, and obviously, with more criteria, the more difficult it will be to find them. This is where we are at, with reduced expectations and more of a relaxed search..

Now, as for the other issues...from what we've seen on this site and others, it's pretty common that there are fakes, pic collectors, etc. We have attended several meet and greets with little success as well. Seems most who are there go all the time and know each other, whereas we only go from time to time. Plus, we can be shy at times. Still working on breaking out of that shell at these events. It can be frustrating, but since it is not an all the time thing for us, we don't get too concerned about it. Between our schedule, others' schedules, kids, etc. it can be difficult to just set up a meet, nevermind actually play! Through all that, we have had a few fun get togethers though, and those experiences are what keep us interested.

Good luck!

[wyandly]

Quick Question: Did you ever actually "swing", i.e. hook up with people for the night and have sex, softswap, etc.?
I dont mean any disrespect, as I am assumming that you have. I am only asking because I have read many of this stuff before, and ususaly the kind of challenges people in your situation encounter are 1) not able to find acceptable play partners to start with, and/or 2) they actually find partners, but the experiences aren't enjoyable or something they want to repeat.
I'm not a swinger myself, but I almost positive the answer will help those who do have the experience and advice you're are seeking. I wish you good luck as I hand this off to those more capable than myself. I hope you find the answers.

Edit: My bad, I found the part where you said " after 2-3 couples", sorry.

[funguy500]

yes, we have had 2 successful soft swap experiences when we first started this but like i said, its been about a year since we have met any couples that didnt stand us up, been fakers, pic traders etc.
You are right, we are educated but definately arent snobs. We just wanna find nice people that we have things in common with.

[VegasLee]

You are finding what I call the "New Lifestyle" that does not really involve near as many "Swingers" as it used to be.

75% of the people that are in the "Lifestyle" are not swingers. Same with the number of people that show up at Swing Clubs and Conventions in most cases.

Yes, there are many professionals that are in the Lifestyle and some of them are even Swingers. No larger % then what regular folk are though. We see attorneys, Doctors, Military Brass, Police officers, Judges and others each and every week at the club we go to. Most of them that are Swingers are just into it for Swinging though and are not looking to be your life long buddy and hang out with your family. They keep those lives separate.

You seem to be looking for a mix of things. The old lifestyle was about sex and sometimes you ended up making friends with the people you had sex with. Many in the new Lifestyle like to hang around the people that have sex, want to make friends and do things that friends do. In many years, (Over 25) of Swinging we have made a few friends of couples that we have partied with. (Less then a dozen) Seems that once they become friends we don't have sex with them anymore. It is not just us, it seems to be that way with just about every one that we have made "Friends" with. They are the same way. Always looking for new Swingers but not looking for new friends and they don't have sex with their friends often if at all.

Swinging used to be easy and kept the drama and emotions down. You went, had sex with people. Maybe you got their name, maybe you did not. No Drama, no stress and the divorce rate among Swingers was very low. Today many are looking to go to dinner, dances, hang out with the families. Building relationships outside of their marriage. The divorce rate has gone up, the stress, drama and there is a lot less Swinging among people that claim to be in the Lifestyle these days also.

I understand since you are looking for friends with benefits that you want people you feel are at your level professionally. You are also seeing in two years this has not been fun for you by reading your post here. Your right, this is supposed to be about having fun and enhancing your own relationship. If I read your post right it has not done either for you.

I am not saying what you want is not out there but maybe you are looking for to much out of this. Maybe it is not the right idea to mix your professional friends with your idea of Swinging. Maybe having two circle of friends would be better for you. Ones you can go out to dinner and spend the evening with doing other things and if you want to Swing then go to swing clubs and swing and leave it at that. Have the best of both worlds without all the stress that this seems to have caused for you.

We are Swingers, we go to meet other Swingers, people to have sex with. We don't go looking for friends even though at times we end up becoming friends with the people we have had sex with. Our life is very good and it works for us. What we do is not for everyone but we don't have the stress and drama that we see with many in the "New Lifestyle" and we are still together.

Don't know that anything I have said will make things easier for you but good luck to you either way. Remember two things if nothing else, your relationship with your wife is the most important and Swinging is NOT for everyone.

[Mr. Truelove]

Vegas Lee brought up some interesting points.

I don't think I fall into his "New Lifestyle" definition. Do we want to be friends with the people we swing with? Sure, that would be great. But what we put in our profile is. "We don't have to be friends, we just have to be able to be friends." I just want to be sure we are compatable, then away we go. If we just end up as aquaintances, then so be it. If we end up as friends, well great, we always welcome new friends, who doesn't? I don't think I agree that anonymous sex and don't get your names before we have sex type attitudes fit us well, and if that's swinging then it might not be for me.

I do agree though that looking for people that want to be friends and almost "date" a while before swinging might be in for some dissapointments. The majority of the people I have met or coresponded with in the lifestyle are certainly not that way. You might still be able to find what you are looking for, but you are looking at a lot more work involved. Good luck in your search.

[funguy500]

Its not like we have to be "buddies" with these people all the time, but we just arent the kind of people to just go fuck anyone. We would really like to meet 4 couples we really like to swing with and then stop looking for awhile. That would be the ideal situation for us. A small circle of swinging friends that we had things in common with. I didnt think it would be that hard but we are finding out that its almost impossible.

[Chicup]

We are some of those swingers that VegasLee talks about in that we are looking for people we can meet up with the kids for a picnic when not swinging.

Ironically I'm also a doctor so I guess we fit the kind of people you were looking for.

I think what you are experiencing is the needle in the haystack that swinging is. First you are talking about maybe 2% of the population who is open to this, and even a smaller % of that with the guts to look openly for it. Then you are looking for people you are attracted to, which narrows that small % down to even fewer, followed by personalities you like, which is even smaller.

So you are looking for "Professional" couples, who you want to have sex with physically, who are also fun to hang with, who happen to want to swing with you too, and are into the 'friends' aspect of swinging. I'm going to guess thats quite literally one in a million.

In our 7 or so years of swinging, we have found a few couples that want to really be 'friends' and I'm sure in some cases we have turned them off somehow and in others, they were just not interested in that aspect of the lifestyle and others we had no interest in being friends with. We've met company executives, doctors, a school superintendent, I couldn't tell you how many teachers, etc, just like the swinger stereotype is but few are looking for that whole package where everyone fits everyone's elses criteria.

We did find one couple, local, who we have really clicked with and we have been friends for 5 or so years now, and we talk about just how lucky we were to find each other because they have had the same issues.

In the long run I think VegasLee is correct. Go in from the sexual aspect and if you become friends great, but going into looking for friends is going to just be frustrating for most people.

[wewannabebad2]

Hi funguy, we ask ourselves the same questions every day. For us however we are trying to take everybody's advice and just be patient. My grandmother used to say patience is a virtue but there are some days that we just want to kick virtue out the door . Swing Lifestyle has not worked for us either and because of hubby's job we don't go to clubs in our area. So our next approach is we are going to a nudie camp out at the nudie Ranch in May.

[shy_couple]

We are having some of the same problems with getting started. We also are a professional couple with a family. We are having difficiulty mainly because we are too picky and afraid that a wrong choice could leave us not wanting to pursue the lifestyle any further or worse damage or relationship, family, or career.
We are being choosy but also we are reluctant to give out our pics and information for fear that it will be misused or turn up somewhere embarrasing. We are opposite from you in the regard that we don't want friends to pal around with. We would like to meet sincere, educated people that we are attracted to. But due to family and career issues personal and lifestyle friends need to be separate for us. I agree with another post that we aren't looking for friends just chemistry. Again someone that we are attracted to and feel comfortable with. At this point we dont see ourselves swinging with any regularity. If we can get a positive first experience under our belt this may be something we try 2-3 times per year.
We are also a little frustrated with our slow start but Swing Lifestyle seems to be a little better than other sites if you are a paid member. You can block your profile noncouples and from free account members you can also search for people who have been certified. This doesn't eliminate all fakes but should cut down on them drastically.
Most of the feed back given has been good for us to hear as well. We probably fall into the "New Lifestyle" catagory mentioned in another post. We have been to one club but were a little shy and overwhelmed. So we ended up not meeting anyone but had a great time together. Another factor is that we could both both stand to lose 40-50 lbs each (it sort of got away from us after the kids). We would like to find someone our age, both attractive(not necessarily thin), intelliigent, and our own race (dont judge just a preferance). In other words we want it all and are willing to sacrifice little. Its probably not a popular view on this board although from most of the postings and surveys I believe that most of the people are new and have not yet had anencounter yet and are using the board for fact gathering. I believe that wil lock us firmly into the New Lifestyle catagory.
Sorry this rambled a bit but it seems that the original poster is having some of the same issues that we are and this my taKe. Please dont be too harsh on us I just wanted to post an honest point of view.

[funguy500]

shy_couple,
This is exactly the kind of feedback im looking for. I appreciate and thank you for your opinions. Thanks to everyone so far! Maybe we just have to be patient for longer than we expected. One thing we dont want to do though is do this for the wrong reasons. We dont want to settle, ya know? We want what we want from this and thats it.

[good times]

I really can't add much to what VegasLee said in his excellent post other than to reiterate that the so called, "friends first" scenario is the hard way to do it. We have been lucky in that we have made a few good friends with people we have met through the lifestyle, but I will admit, if this was a requirement for us to play with people, we would have quit a long time ago from frustration.

[marieandbrian]

Hi there! We have been in the 'lifestyle' for almost 3 years now and have had a very difficult time finding people we BOTH are interested in. We are also choosy, and want to have the best time possible. In our opinion, trying to find a couple for friends first is just not worth the time it would take. We have been very fortunate to have met some awesome people from the Swing Lifestyle site and they have become friends, two couples in particular and we feel really fortunate. We also suggest checking out House Parties in your area, we have found it to be a great way to meet couples, we may not 'play' with them right off, but we are able to get to know them a bit better than just relying on emails.

[JustAskJulie]

THere have been some excellent posts already. I just want to say YES we/they do exist. Most of the people we have met do fall into that category. I will say this, I have not found the internet to be the best way to meet people. Find a social near you, not an on-premise swinger club, but a social where you can go and meets lots of people at one time. Talk to the people who are there and find people you have things in common with. Then exchange info and make plans to meet for dinner or something later. This has worked well for us to meet people we can actually get along with, without wasting myriads of time filtering emails or dealing with people not showing up, or worse showing up and being so boring that we feel like we wasted what could have been a perfectly good dinner together.

[mrmass]

Hi fun, I just got finished reading your thread. Me and Mr Mass are having the same problem but I felt funny writing about it because we thought we were the only ones.
We have been soft swinging with one couple for a year now and it has been fun but we want to meet new couples. It has been very hard and yes we are on Swing Lifestyle also but have had no luck with it. We are in the chat room alot and have made great friends in there but with our luck they all live to far away. I hope you have better luck with it than me and Mr Mass.