A friend's lack of discretion

[ohash01]

We've been problem-free for our first year of swinging...until this weekend. We went home for Christmas, our families only live about half an hour apart, so we got to see both. Sunday night, we're with J.'s family and some friends call saying "Let's go out!" So...out we go!

Now...we have swung with one of J.'s male friends in the past. For the sake of conversation we'll call him M. I went home early because I had over-eaten and felt like a bloated piggy...drinking was the LAST thing I wanted to do. J. gets home a while later and is practically SHOUTING:
"M. told EVERYONE that he fucked you!!"
I calmly look at him and go "But he didn't."
And J. goes "Aren't you upset?"
Me: "Nah...I'm not that surprised...I knew him keeping his yap shut for much longer than a year was too much to ask."
J.: "I can't believe he did that to you!"
Me: "He didn't DO anything. I'm sure it came out one night when he was drunk and no one believes him."
J.: "Well...no one believes him...they said you're too innocent for that kind of thing."
Me: "So why are you freaking out?"
J: "What if they look at you differently now?"
Me: "I don't care...is that going to make you love me less if your friends think I'm naughty?"
J: "Of course not...I just can't believe it...I'm gonna call him..."

And then we spend a few minutes fussing over the phone. I take it away and tell him that he is not calling ANYONE until he calms down. M. made a mistake...I'm sure he didn't do it maliciously or with bad-intentions. It just came out. Today, J. is still worked up and keeps pacing around going "I should call M. I have to call him. I need to tell him how uncool that was."

*sigh* My man is all worked up. What should I do with him? And what should he do about M.?

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

In my opinion, You just never see M. again. Warn all your lifestyle friends that he's indiscreet. As far as calming your guy down, I have no idea. I'm too laid back to get upset over something like that so I can't tell you what will calm him down.
We have been with a couple who was too willing to discuss other playmates by name. As far as I know we haven't been burned by them, but once we figured out they had big mouths (and not in the good way) we stopped seeing them.

I hope it all works out for you.
Jeff

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by ohash01

What should I do with him?

Hand him the phone...

I don't condone violence, but M. needs a good man-to-man talk.

Once that is out of the way, let be a very valuable lesson - keep swinging away from the people who will always be a part of your life (i.e. family and friends).

Like you said, this was inevitable. Which makes me wonder - if it was inevitable, why did you do it? If this is a guy who can't keep his mouth shut, he isn't the kind of man you want to play with - and if he is going to open his mouth to your friends, and has the opportunity to do so... Well - what were you thinking?

J. has every right to express himself to a "friend" who would sully your name and brag about his "conquest"...

Spoomonkey

[ohash01]

I see what you are saying Spoo...but at the time we did it, it really made sense. Oh, look - here's someone we trust. I found him attractive enough to mess around with and he's VERY nice. Plus, we had his word that he wasn't going to tell anyone.

I don't completely subscribe to the "stay away from friends" school of thought...mainly because I've done it before and it's worked out perfectly well...this was just one bad incident, I think. Bad choice on our part, but I still believe swinging with a pre-swinging friend is possible in the right circustance.

I talked to J. more tonight and apparently it was one of those "M. had too much to drink and someone mentioned J. and the verbal diarrhea just started squirting out." J. has decided he WILL call him, but he needs another evening to figure out what to say and be tactful about it.

[good times]

I have got to agree with Spoo on this one. And once the friend started spewing his tale when he shouldn't have, the need for tact is out the window, in my opinion. In fact I would say the tactless, one way discussion in the heat of the moment is what that guy needs more than anything. Yep, I would hand him the phone and dial it for him right on the spot.

[38and9]

"J. has decided he WILL call him, but he needs another evening to figure out what to say and be tactful about it"

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J to be tactful? Surely you jest! Alchohol or not, M deserves no tact!!! I mean this goes a little beyond "kiss and tell". Yes? I think that M has earned to be cut-off as a friend and any future pleasure. He will know why, and I think that in itself might give J some semblance of vindication. I mean think about it from J's view.......this ninny is running his mouth that he fucked a man's wife while in the company of the husband and non-swing friends!?!?!?!?!?!?!? It would have been bad enough to be drunk, and spouting off at a swinging affair, but this is much worse IMHO.

I also agree with a previous poster. We keep our lifestyle far, far away from non-swinging friends and family. Closest I ever got to that was a 1 on 1 with my ex-b/f, and never seeing him again in life is okay with me.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by ohash01

Oh, look - here's someone we trust. Plus, we had his word that he wasn't going to tell anyone.

I suppose we see how good someone's word is, eh?

If it were my wife's reputation on the line, I would be very careful who I trust it to. And if I did trust them - and they violated that trust - I can assure you, I would handle it firmly, fairly and with finality. And I am not the kind of guy to be nice about such things... Nor am I the kind of guy who thinks I should be.

Originally Posted by ohash01

I don't completely subscribe to the "stay away from friends" school of thought...mainly because I've done it before and it's worked out perfectly well...this was just one bad incident, I think. Bad choice on our part, but I still believe swinging with a pre-swinging friend is possible in the right circustance.

What is your record? Two good ones - one bad one? Ten good ones - one bad one? What sort of odds are fair? We have never had a playmate tell our friends that they have played with us - ever. Mostly because we do not mix the two - ever.

The risk is not worth it for us - and my mouth is big enough without adding one more loud mouth to my problems

Can it work? Sure. Will it always work? No. Is it worth the trouble when it doesn't? That is for you to decide.

Spoomonkey

[gatorvol64]

Well, this female is going to have to agree with the male postings on this subject. Why should he be tactful with the guy? A man has the right to protect his woman's reputation. I have the right to protect Gator's, too. And if a friend was running her mouth about him, tactful is not what I'd be. Let him make the call, take care of the guy, and feel better about things.

Vol

[WesternSwing]

I wholeheartedly agree with Spoo. This guy needs a man-to-man talking to about his indiscretion. He also definitely needs to be cut-off from the cookie jar (which I'm sure you two have already decided). He screwed-up. It wasn't cool, and I think J have every right to be both pissed-off and put M in his place.

Mr. WS

[sereneiders]

I agree with WesternSwing here.

Moreover, here the fact that men are from Mars and women from Venus have a lot to do.

In Mars there are untold but well known rules, and M. broke them. In Mars, when someone steps over your toe the way M. did, you have to AT LEAST acknowledge, because if you don't, you're opening the door for every Martian to step over your toes.

And you cannot ask J. to stop being Martian, even if he wan't to do so, he wont be able to live up to Venusian's rules. Back to the Earth, it's an unavoidable cultural thing, by asking him to avoid this confrontation would be much like ask him to deprive himself from his manhood.

Even inviting others to give you their take about this, could be seen as an invitation for others to keep breaking Martian rules.

And, as pointed out before, this is another razon to avoid swinging with friends or with people you previously knew from the vanilla environment.

[ViSexual]

This is one of the problems of 'swinging' with singles.

They just don't have anything to lose.

And, it's jerks like him who ruin it for others. A lot of wives wouldn't be as understanding as you and might reject the whole lifestyle after this type of drama.

But if you beat the crap out of him, as he certainly deserves, it'll only validate his claims.

I'd go with simply smiling and saying, "In his dreams", when you hear even a hint from anyone. And, then saying that you hate to put down a friend but he did make some very unwanted advances on many occasions, but, if you were going to be with someone other than your husband you'd want a 'meal' not a 'snack'..., and laugh!

[EvilMJ]

I would be handing my husband the phone....well maybe I would be making the call myself. My husband would rail on him, but I would make him feel like a complete ass and lower than dirt. He needs to know that what he said was not cool, whether it was true or not.

[MoonLightKiss]

Well, list me in the column of letting your man call his so called friend. Your husband has every right to defend you and your reputation. But I do say KUDOS to you both for calming down before making the phone call. Most here are right, this guy does not deserve for your husband to wait another day to find the right way to talk to him and be tactful. Honestly, if you didn't offer this guy any tact, noone would blame you a bit, and most would support it. But the fact that you are gonna try says alot about your own personal character. So yes, you should let your man call and have a man to man talk about discretion and respect. Then tell him noone believes him anyway. That may cause him to think twice about telling something next time. Then cut him out of your life. Noone needs "friends" like that. We have some vanilla friends that know about our choice of lifestyle and drunk or not they would never breathe a word.

[Alura]

Here's how we'd handle such an indiscretion.

The next time someone asks if you had sex with M, simply say, "My goodness! I thought he quit doing drugs."

...and we'd tell M up front what our plans were. He deserves no tact nor consideration.

Mr. Alura

[tribbles]

Originally Posted by Alura

Here's how we'd handle such an indiscretion.

The next time someone asks if you had sex with M, simply say, "My goodness! I thought he quit doing drugs."

...and we'd tell M up front what our plans were. He deserves no tact nor consideration.

Mr. Alura

I might find other tid bits to add. I've learned the more outrageous a story, then less likely people are to believe it.


The drug line is good!