Losing Lifestyle Friends & Don't Understand Why

[ohash01]

I will be your female friend MrsVan I wish I could have met you (and everyone else) at the meet-up.

Like I've stated in several other posts...we have one couple that we're spot-on with. We're all insanely attracted to one another, we're all mildly emotionally invested, and we all have a ton of fun around one another (vanilla world AND swinging world). But this was NOT easy to find. AT ALL. J. and I have been swinging for about a year now, which isn't a long time at all, but we didn't meet this couple until about 4 months ago. I consider 8 months of active searching to be a long time. I don't know, maybe it isn't. This is the first couple we've even remotely clicked with...the other times we've swung it's been with singles. You try to get 4 people together and sometimes it works, other times it's utter chaos.

So, I doubt you're doing anything wrong. I glanced at your profile. You're honest, descriptive, great pics...I see nothing wrong. Don't let a couple sad experiences get in the way of what could be a wonderful swinging life! Like I always tell J. - it's like trying to date all over again - you think you're past the hurt and the awkwardness and the confusion, you've found the person you love and want to be with forever...then suddenly you're out searching again. *sigh*

I also understand the "not many friends" thing. The F in the other couple is my best female friend. Well, that's not completely true, but my only other close female friend is in med school in another state and is essentially MIA.

It'll happen when you least expect it. I promise!

Originally Posted by prettylady

MrsVan,
I could easily be that girlfriend you are looking for. I enjoyed your company so much in Ohio. Again, the distance thing. I feel for you girlfriend, I really do.
I miss the friends I have made. Surpisingly more then I thought I would.
Emails can be fun, but they don't beat sitting down on the couch drinking tea, and chatting the afternoon away.
I hope you find your special friend,
Your friend always,
Prettylady

Prettylady,

I have already considered you a friend just the miles between us keep us away from hanging out. I really enjoyed meeting you and hanging out at the meet up too. Look forward to seeing you again.

MrsVan

Thanks everyone for the posts. I really appreciate all the positive feedback that you gave me and reassurance that in time we will find what we are looking for. However, I have to give an update to you all as I am rather excited...I had sent the lady of the couple an email earlier this week just letting them know that I was thinking of them and that I had hoped all was going well. Told them that we truely enjoyed their friendship and loved hanging out with them in both settings. And I guess as Tybee stated they just needed time to work things out. According to the wife the first couple days after the evening together was the hardest and as her and the husband talked she is feeling better about things. She even sent me and MrVan a PM last night wanting us to go with her to get her hood pierced (yes, I converted yet another one ) so we told her this morning to come on over and we would take her. So we went to the parlor and I went back with her as she got her hood pierced (suprise for hubby as he only thinks that she is THINKING about it. ) and then went to the mall to do a little bit of shopping before she went back to get her child.

Today went really well with her and as I told MrVan I think it is just going to take time for me to see that she is truely okay and that we can all start being around and her not feeling that added stress or pressure. I am somewhat happy and hope that things work out.

We realize that it may take them time to get back to being "normal" around us as they still have alot of feelings to work out and I just hope that once they are able to do that, that we all will be able to hang out more again soon.

Thanks again everyone honestly for your posts. It is great to know that I have so many friends on this board who can relate to what it is that I was feeling and be able to help me get through this.

MrsVan

[MoonLightKiss]

Mrs. Van, I just read the thread, so I suppose I am a little late for the reply. I don't think I can add anything to the swinging part of this, as so many have replied and covered it all. As far as the friendship, and just wanting to have a gf to hang out with, go shopping with, and have a great fun filled lunch with while the men are at work though, I can share my experiences.

When you break down the friends that me and my husband have it goes a little like, he has his buddys, and I get along with the wives. He knew them all before we married, and all those in this tight knit group went to school at the same time. So needless to say out of the 8 of us, they have known each other 10-15 years, while I have only been here about 6. I feel like a left fielder sometimes. And as far as any friends to call my own, well, I don't have any. The only one I hung out with moved to Alabama a few months back. So there haven't been any of those lunches here lately.

Here's what I did. I went out one day and had my nails done, my hair cut and the color refreshed. I went and bought me a new outfit, new shoes, (open toe to show off my nice pedicure) went to the grocery store and bought all kinds of party food, then went to the liquor store and bought stuff to make daquiris and white russians. Called up all the wives, told em to leave the hubby and the kids at home and come on to the hen party. Then I proceeded to kick my hubby and kids out to my mothers for the night.

Four women, no men or kids, lots of great food and liquor, and we had the best time. We talked fashion, showed off our tatoos for those of us that had them, admired each others style, and somewhere around drink 4 we started gossiping. Around drink 6 we were talking about our men. Needless to say we all went home with alot of information we didn't previously have. But we had a great time. AND, I am now getting phone calls to go out for lunch, or shopping. And our hen party...we now do it once every other month. So my advice, if you want to find some friends to hang out with regularly, put yourself out there. Are you going to be disappointed? Probably, not everyone has chemistry to be lifelong friends, but getting there is half the fun. And if you ever feel like having a friend close by, you can move to KY, and live a stones throw from me

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by prettylady

Hey I have a pretty good arm. Perhaps if the wind was blowing south and I had a small enough stone and I ate my wheaties that morning.....

Well - at least I'll know who to blame if I get hit with any rocks this morning...



Spoomonkey

[Mrs.PaganLovers]

I guess we are one of those couples that looks for friendship too. We have been very lucky to find several of those. Some are far away .

One of the things that is nice about just hanging out or going shopping together is you don't have to be careful about what you say, or be on guard all the time.

All the people that we met at the meet up are just terrific and I could see all of us becoming friends, but we are a little more than a stone throw .

We are a very picky couple and getting to know someone is a prerequisite (ok spelling police, don't know if I spelled that right). But, I count all of you in my circle of friends

Blessings
Mrs. PL

[sereneiders]

MrsVan, it's nice to read things are straghtening between you four.

While as many others I believe you didn't do anything wrong... to the other parties in this relationship. The question is, if you're doing it ok with yourself.

When people in this board asks why we swing, I use to say it is because we CAN and because we DON'T NEED to do it. It may seems obvious and even stupid, but it isn't, and this is something I believe we can extrapolate to many other activities and relationships.

Of course, we need friends, we need to fulfill our hedonism, but for as long as we have friends and chances to fulfill it, we don't get hooked by someone because he/she's the only able to provide what we need. And this doesn't mean we undervaluate the feelings. In fact, we developed a couple of polyamoral relationships and we do seek for friendship as you do. But I guess we do it with lower expectations.

What called my attention from your words is the need I perceive you have for friendship, while at the same time you seem to want to fulfill that need inside the lifestyle. Chicup already said this, and I'll rephrase: friendship (as any relationship) is a building made up around common interests and a shared story togheter, and it's hard (but not impossible) to build it just around sex, because when some sexual related issue arouses, you loose the cement bonding the building bricks.

But this is because of people's expectations. When a new couple meets you two, they may want to develop a friendship, but they also may expect to build it around sex. If they don't share the same need for holding a friendship, everithing ends up deppending on the sex.

In the other hand, I wonder if a polyamorous setting isn't one where your expectations could fit better, just because in such a setting people is supposed to make an effort to feed many aspects of a relationship but just sex, and leverage things should some sexual problem arouses.

Also, as to consider this option, you'd be able to work around the prejudices towards polyamorous relationship most people have and you may have, in the sense that there are many levels of possible commitment in those relationships, from what we could claim to be a friendship inside the lifestyle, and up to fully commited relationships, but in any case, poly or poly friendly people is more likely to be up to make commitments.

Because this is what you're talking about, isn't it? Why people doesn't commit to the friendship feelings they pursued and developed. As swingers we make our engagement rules explicit, and when we talk about making friends inside the lifestyle, we use to trust it'd be enough with the implicit rules a "vanilla" friends relationship have to offer. And as I see this, the only difference here with poly/poly friendly people is that they would make the other rules explicit as well. To tell the others what you expect from them at the emotional level as for everyone to be able to make commitiments fitting their confort level.

It's just food for tought.

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Well - at least I'll know who to blame if I get hit with any rocks this morning...



Spoomonkey

WAY TO FUNNY

Your friend,
Prettylady