Friends Debate Revisited

[ohash01]

So the man and I were talking over dinner tonight. I know we had the "why do you say 'friends first'"? debate already...here's a slightly different issue.

We've been chatting with this couple on Yahoo. I like them. Mr. likes them. We are 99.8% sure they like us. Tonight at dinner I said something along the lines of "Yay! They can be our friends!" And Mr. FLIPPED OUT! He was like "woah woah woah...we are NOT using this as a venue to make friends. you could NEVER have a normal relationship with these people. even if you meet a few times first and really connect, the swinging will still be hanging over your head. no. they won't be our friends. why can't you just meet another non-swinging girl on the street who likes shopping and be HER friend".

slight backstory: i do not have many close female friends. i have always been a guys-girl. i worked at a bus garage in college. i probably have 15 super close guy friends and 4 super close girl friends. this annoys mr. he wants me to have normal girl friends that i giggle and go shopping with.

i explained to mr. that this isn't about me meeting lifelong best friends...but i want to LIKE the people we swing with. i don't see a problem with that. i want to be comfortable. i want to know something about them OTHER than that they like sex.

so tell me:
1) is this a weird hope? that i can genuinely LIKE the people we swing with?
2) does anyone have any lifelong friends they've met swinging?
3) do you ever just "hang out" with your swing couples...you know...go see a movie...go get some drinks...go to the zoo?

[Better Half]

I too am curious regarding the 'life long friends' part in the lifestyle. Hubby and I really want friends, people that we like and have something in common with outside of the sex. However, we are very aware that different people apply different meanings to the word 'friend' and many, many times it is not the term that we would use.

Better Half

[biblonde]

We have friends that we have meet thought swinging. Some for the last 3 years. We have hung out with our favorite playfriends without getting naked. We have gone to dinner and the movies,playing pool (while teasing the crap out of everyone in the room) with playfriends. We like to make friends with those we play with. To us it makes more fun and then there is a little more in common than just sex. Some of our dates are more vanilla than xxx. We are even friends with some that we just didnt do good naked together so we turned it into just "friends" without the playtime. You have to do what you feel comfy with though. I find women that go shopping with me are even more sexy naked! lol...

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by ohash01

slight backstory: i do not have many close female friends. i have always been a guys-girl. i worked at a bus garage in college. i probably have 15 super close guy friends and 4 super close girl friends. this annoys mr. he wants me to have normal girl friends that i giggle and go shopping with.

Mrs Spoo is VERY similar to you. She has always been the kind of woman who has a dozen guy friends and very few girlfriends. It is just the way that she is.

She is just not much for "giggling and shopping".

She has, however, made friends easier with women in the lifestyle. I think it is the whole "shared interests" thing - and the freedom to be herself without having to "pretend" that she is not a swinger. She doesn't have to act like the proper PTA mom (unless I specifically request it... Hubba... facelick ). It is just easier to make friends when you don't have to hide behind masks.

Swinging doesn't "hang over" us at all. Sure - there is a lot more flirtatious freedom, but like all friends, we ask each other about work, family, dreams and even mundane house projects (did you know swingers do house projects???). I even had a swinger on here tell me how to fix my garbage disposal (thanks, Alura!). We are all adults - and when need be can straighten up and zip up.

You and your husband have an interest (and emotional freedom) in swinging. It is inevitable, I think, that you will eventually meet folks with whom you have a very easy, natural, comfortable friendship connection.

Spoomonkey

[ohash01]

Things are now getting confusing at my house. Haha. Mr. says it's okay if I want to make girl friends and hook up with them, but he doesn't want them to come over here if they're my friends. WHY?!?! Perhaps he is scared he will fantasize about them? But you know...that'd be okay...cause isn't this all about fueling our sex lives? I'm not offended if he sometimes pictures other people. As long as he's shouting MY name

[Pepper & Drew]

We're not a "friends first" couple necessarily, but all of our closest friends are swingers. There are plenty of times that we go out with swinger friends and have a vanilla night out. We've made friends in other parts of the country and have gone for visits. We've met other couple's families at get-togethers. In our experience, THE SEX is not always hanging over our heads. Once the newness of 'wow, we're swinging' wears off, we've found that it's nice to be able to hang out with other people who you don't have to censor yourself around. Quite frankly, it's pretty uncomfortable to hang out with vanilla people in a social setting because there's so many times that I've wanted to tell a story, or say something, and then realize...uh oh, better not say THAT.

When we originally started, I was more like your husband. I didn't really want to get to know any swingers....or so I thought. But really, it's like any other hobby where you meet people...some of them you'll have more in common with, and some you won't.

Pepper

[JustAskJulie]

No, Yes & Yes.

Ok, so the lifelong friends I've made that are swingers I didn't really meet through swinging, but I did swing with them and then I was able to continue being friends with them and know that we could all hang out and if things happened fine, but if they didn't no one was dissapointed (because we were friends). I'd much rather have that than constantly feel like I HAVE to have sex with a person every time they are around.

[girlsnboys]

Originally Posted by ohash01

Things are now getting confusing at my house. Haha. Mr. says it's okay if I want to make girl friends and hook up with them, but he doesn't want them to come over here if they're my friends. WHY?!?! Perhaps he is scared he will fantasize about them? But you know...that'd be okay...cause isn't this all about fueling our sex lives? I'm not offended if he sometimes pictures other people. As long as he's shouting MY name

It sounds like ther are some other things at play here. Ie hubby could be jealous of you placing attention on others, especially when he's in your company. Also if he says he would like you to have more traditional female friendships, and raises a brow over your male friends, that to me this is a flag Surrender that would indicate more communication is needed between the two of you. Is he feeling not attended to? This could create serious issues if you enter into swinging w/out talking about where attention is placed when you swing. Just my opinion...

[ohash01]

We're clear on what our limits are if we get together with a couple. We've discussed in length. And he's not uneasy with my guy friends. He likes all of them. Our first experience was with another guy and we talked about it in length afterwards. He said everything I did was well within his realms of comfort...and he was happy with our experience. So I don't think he's feeling neglected. Plus that one experience is all we've had. And I treat him WELL when we're alone. He has no opportunity to feel neglected. Usually I am begging him to pay attention to me.

Our only issue right now is the "no being friends" point of view he is having...which he never discussed with me before tonight. I just needed a view on what is "normal". (Although I know everyone agrees there is no such thing)

[biblonde]

He may just be afraid if you hang out with playfriends something may slip where someone else can see?? does that sound right? I know we were a little nervous when we first got into the lifestyle...now it is all good...we have meet some great friends here some we play with some are just friends.

[ohash01]

That definately could be. He is a LITTLE twitchy about being "found out". Some of his vanilla friends are hard on him if he wears the wrong shirt. You know? I guess I never thought about it that way because I really don't care if someone finds out. I don't discuss it in public settings (or even with the large majority of my friends - only my best girl friend knows), so it's not likely.

[biblonde]

My hubby because of his job was real nervous about someone seeing us out with a date. Now he doesnt worry anymore...if someone asks we say either they are from his work..or we boat together. works every time...just give him some time to get used to the idea of the whole thing...I bet he feels better about it in the long run.

[N&G]

Although we got into the lifestyle to have causal sex, not to make friends, we have met many very fine people along the way who we enjoy spending time with outside the bedroom too. It's not unusual for us to get together for dinner or a movie and not do anything afterwards. A few couples are even compatible enough to spend vacation time or long weekends with. My suggestion is not to worry about the friendship part, just have a good time and you will find the friends that you are looking for.

P.S. Female swingers giggle and go shopping too. Other than being able to take friendship to a physical level we are no different than the rest of the general population.

Greg

[NakedInSeattle]

We agree with N&G,
We've never made swinger friends from vanilla but we've made damn good friends out of swingers. They make the best friends 'cause you can say or do anything - be open at all times - no secrets.
We've found it's easier to make friends of swingers. You already have a very important thing in common. Other interests are hightened, too with the knowledge it will most likely (but not required) end in fun.

[Concupiscence]

I can't imagine not wanting to be friends with the people I swing with, even if it never happens. I am just wired to be attracted to people that I respect and like. So far it hasn't happened that way (in my 2.5 opportunities) but I didn't dislike them. I am a tomboy as well and have been all of my life, entering into this lifestyle has allowed me to appreciate being feminine. I find myself WANTING to dress sexy and girly where before I wore work boots, jeans, and t-shirts all the time. I desperately wish that I could tell my vanilla friends about these new experiences and the changes that are occurring within me and my relationship with my husband. I simply cannot wait to make friends with a couple that we swing with, even if it were to end up as a platonic friendship.