Swinger friends losing interest?

Hello everyone! My topic today is regarding the friends made in the lifestyle and how to know if they have become TRUE friends or not. MrVan and I met this couple back at the beginning of the year in which all four of us hit it off really well and it seemed like we knew each other for a very long time. We have played with the couple numerous times and even got together with all our children just to hang out at the pool and our kids even seemed to become really good friends. As many of you may know, MrVan and I are new to the lifestyle just this year. This couple has helped us get comfortable with the lifestyle and help us in finding our way as to what rules we have and how we would handle each situation that comes up in the lifestyle.

The problem lately is that it seems as though the couple continues to ask us to do things and then they cancel on us, or we all agree to get together and then at last minute they cancel. It seemed as if things were going well between us all but now we feel as if the couple has lost interest. It is not that we are upset about this as we are greatful for all that they have helped us through, but our problem is that it feels as if they get together with us because they FEEL they HAVE to and that is not the case. When problems have arised between us all, MrVan and I have been honest with them regarding the problem and talking it over with them. However it feels as if they are not being honest with us.

We all were to go camping together (just the adults) last weekend and then at the last minute they wanted to change plans. We all decided to go to a club on Saturday night but I felt as if they really did not want to be there. They both have seemed very distant from us lately.

The situation is that we truely enjoy just their friendship without the extra benefits and hate to loose the friendship that we have created. Our thoughts tell us to just hang it up and loose the friendship. We have stopped contacting them right now and just leave it up to them to make the next step, but this doesn't quite feel right either.

Has anyone come across this in the lifestyle and how have you handled the situation? Does anyone have any suggestions or ways that we can approach this with the other couple or do we just give up trying?

Thanks,

MrsVan

[DBL D]

Mrs. Van,

Very interesting thought you've brought to light.

I used to be fond of saying that swingers were the most open of all people and that's what I liked about the lifestyle. Most of them appeared to espouse honesty. Turns out that they love honesty, but aren't interested in reciprocating. Truth be told we have been less than honest with some of the couples we've met too. I guess you develope a thick skin, all the while hoping that you will actually find people who really back up what they say about being friends. The fact that this was a couple with some play time under their belts leads me to believe that they were truly interested in helping you but they backed off becasue they may feel that they were getting too close. Or they really want to play with more couples and don't have the time to be with you as much. Are your kids still hanging out together. Are there problems among them that you may not know of? There can be so many reasons and you will never know what they are because people don't want to cause drama, which is what ends up happening anyway. At least you have this board to play off of instead of wondering if there's something wrong with you.

We met a couple once where the guy was seemingly ecstatic that they'd met a couple like us. She never really expressed that feeling, but always seemed to have a good time with us. Well, we still get some joke e-mail but that's the extent of it. Lot's have stated that the better you know someone the less you play with them. It's just a shame though because they could really fit well with us if they wanted to. See, you always have to have 4 on the same page. It's a constant struggle gal if you are going for the friendship aspect. A lot of seasoned swingers say that clubbing is the way to do it. Stay on a first name basis. Don't get attached to anyone. Allow people to come and go. I can see their point but I think we will still try to look for friends and try to understand when things change.

I wish you luck with this and the future.

Male D

[EvilMJ]

I think this is more common than you think.

We used to be really good friends with a couple that we played with, but when we called off the playing side of things their friendship slowly dwindled.
I think once that honeymoon phase blows over people go looking for something that is exciting all over again.

On the flip side we have friends in the lifestyle that we have never played with but do lots of vanilla things with like camping. Strange eh.

[fun4Ds]

great post mrs.van, we certanly can relate.sometimes people do seem to distance themselves for whatever reasons, but we are on the other side of the fence rite now. we have been the couple that has been canceling (3 times now) really feeling like crap about it because we have not been the canceling type.. first cancel i got called in to work (no way out) 2nd cancel i get the worst summer cold ever. 3rd cancell now mrs fun.has it .who knows what happens next? they are certanly more experianced than us (10 years to our 3) they have been very understanding.where we would be thinking HUMMMM. but as we go and learn it is harder to get 4 people on the same page than 2.

some times good friendships remain good, just a little more distanced.

You all have said some interesting comments concerning this topic and much of what you all have said makes sense. Good friendships are very hard to find when 4 people connect so well and this couple for us was one of those that we all had so much in common. I agree with the comments of "the honeymoon stage is over and now it is time to look for something new" and I can understand that. When you first meet a couple that everyone clicks with things feel great, then you get comfortable with them and then it just doesn't seem as fun anymore.

I guess the frustrating thing for us is that we have not asked this couple to be exclusive with us as we are still trying to find other couples that we can play and have a good time with. For us it is the point that if you say that you enjoy the friendship (even out of bed) why would you treat your friends in the way that you have. The continual making plans and cancelling them gets old real quick. It seems that it would be easier as we are all adults but I still feel like in this lifestyle that we are in high school all over again and even adults do not know how to handle more than one set of friends.

So those who have come across this situation with those friends, did you just distant yourself from them like we are starting to do or did you say all together that it is time to move on and just give up on what was there? I think that for us the hardest part because MrVan and I enjoy our friendships and we take them seriously and we hate to brush off any of our friends (even our vanilla friends) so for us to just give up doesn't seem like it is the right thing to do but in our minds we are thinking it is for the best as we do not need the drama.

Thanks to everyone who has posted messages on this and if you have come across this, please share your story and how you handled it. Just to get some insight from all of you would help us find what we think is best.

MrsVan

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

Quick question....Do they cancel on just the adult plans or is it pretty even across the board?

It has been pretty much across the board. We had invited them and their children over the weekend of July 4th for a cookout and to hang out at the pool. No expectations because all of our children were around. So it was just a day to hang out with friends and have a good time. The day before they were to come over they called and said that something had come up and were not going to be able to make it. We told them that if things changed to let us know that they were more than welcome to come hang out. At the last minute the decided to come over but again it didn't feel as if they really wanted to be there. It is not like we forced them to come over, we just made the offer. It at times feels like the wife has created a friendship with us and wants to be around but from the husband it feels as if he no longer wants to be friends.

So the cancellations is not just when we are getting together to play or hang out for an evening. It seems to be a regular thing. Or they will cancel saying something came up with the kids, but then they forget about what they told us and then later in the week they cancelled for another couple. Again, MrVan and I do not want them to just play with us only and do not care if they are with others, but just be honest about it. That is what bothers me.

MrsVan

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

Things kinda indicate they have some issues and it's overflowing into your lives a little. Sounds like you did the best thing, in letting the contact fade away. If they should contact you in the future I would certainly call them on it before moving foward. Call it clearing the air, forces them to choose honesty and great friends or shrink away in shame and embarassment, either way you can plainly see the results

To answer your inital question "Are they true friends?", from my prespective, no.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by MrsVan

So the cancellations is not just when we are getting together to play or hang out for an evening. It seems to be a regular thing. Or they will cancel saying something came up with the kids, but then they forget about what they told us and then later in the week they cancelled for another couple. Again, MrVan and I do not want them to just play with us only and do not care if they are with others, but just be honest about it. That is what bothers me.

MrsVan

We have friends like this, and when they pulled that shit on us I called them out on it. I was REALLY pissed as we knew these people for years and we were being treated like the fall back couple. It sounds like this is happening to you, and they get together with you when their other plans fall through, also I'm willing to bet they cancle with you if another new couple comes along. Now in our case I really came down hard on them and was ready tell tell them to piss off, but they changed their ways and they are still our best friends.

[Couple_N_Ark]

I think you mentioned at least twice that they seemed like they "didn't want to be there". It really sounds like they are having some personal issues....that maybe one wants to be there while the other one doesn't?

And then once they show up there is a tension between them, because one of them didn't want to be there, and they feel put out, or it's like pulling teeth to get them to talk, etc.

[chulo]

It's a common mistake to turn a swinging relationship into a friendship: it totally ruins it. There is nothing more exciting than anonymous sex or play (go to a European swinging club and you will see what I mean). To the extent that it is possible, don't even learn their names, use e-mail to set the encounters and never use your house or theirs. If you or them can bring additional new partners ocassionally, all the better.

[funrealcouple]

Damn, and here we thought this only happened to us.

FRC

[VanHlebar]

Originally Posted by chulo

It's a common mistake to turn a swinging relationship into a friendship: it totally ruins it. There is nothing more exciting than anonymous sex or play (go to a European swinging club and you will see what I mean). To the extent that it is possible, don't even learn their names, use e-mail to set the encounters and never use your house or theirs. If you or them can bring additional new partners ocassionally, all the better.

Chulo,

That would be cool, if that was what we were looking for. Thing is, we realize that we will have a harder time finding playmates because we do want to be friends, and that is fine with us. We don't mind the occasional "hook up" and those are great, but for the playmates that are near us, we are looking for friends and well...we just don't think friends treat friends in this manner.

-Van

[good times]

We have found a couple of things,

Real friends are very rare in swinging.

We can count the amount of genuine friends we have made in the lifestyle on one hand. I think one of the main reasons for this is that it is really unusual to find people in the lifestyle who we have anything in common with other than swinging.

It seems that the more we become friends the less we have sex.

For me, swinging is about the new sexual encounters. I already have a regular sex partner. Once I start to get to know someone real well then the sexual attraction I feel for them usually wanes, not always but most of the time.

what is happening to you has happened to us more often than not.

When this happens to us we usually first confront them with it. We do that mainly to find out if it is something that can be worked out. In the end though we usually just go our seperate ways.

[NandTfromCA]

We’re on the other side of this situation. Although we haven’t flaked on them, we have noticed that we don’t have any interest in playing with them anymore.

We are due for a tough conversation with them because we still want to hang out. Like GT said, we may end up going our separate ways but it’s better than the alternatives (having sex with people that we don’t want to OR leaving them wondering why we don’t want to get together anymore).