Experiences with telling vanilla friends about swinging lifestyle involvement

[gaznrachy]

Amongst our 'vanilla' friends we have a married couple who are closer than any others. They have, we suspect; begun wondering whats going on with us. Loosing weight, happier, talking about sex more, going out very late etc etc.

We would like to tell them. Not with the intention of converting them (I'd love to! -G) we would never try to push anyone into anything. It's just so far we feel we would like to be honest with them. To share some of our experiences or least let them know we've not gone loopy!

We'd love to hear your experiences, good or bad of this. We think they are pretty open minded and are similair to us in their outlook of live and let live.

Do you think this could be a disaster? Or strengthen an already strong friendship?

We know untimately it is our decision and you cannot get all the details etc from a short post but would appreciate your views and experiences.

Thanks x

[blinkey]

We've skirted with some of those same issues, too. We have a situation in that a good friend of ours was diagnosed with cancer right around the time we started. It was a wake-up call to our own mortality, and we have really started to live life the way we wanted, rather than the way society tells us we should want to live. Going out, getting fit, it is all consistent with a new appreciation for life. (See where I'm going with this?)

Surely you can find a reason to suddenly love life instead of letting it slip by!

Blinkey

[Dolphin Dreamer]

Hey gaznrachy, I think that you should tell your friends about your experiences> if your friends are as close as you say they are then wouldn't you want them to be as happy as you guys are?? if your a bit nervous just edge into it drop off hints hear and there see what sort of reaction you get. Don't like there reaction leave it alone they don't need to no. Bring it up in a conversation sometime e.g. one of my mates at work has been telling me about this swingers club again just test the waters see what reaction you get if you think you have a good reaction go for it . At the end of the day if they are friends that you say they are they will love you swingers or not

GOODLUCK Guys hope it works for the better

[chattyroni]

I agree that dropping hints is the way to start - but even that can backfire on you so you need to decide before you do if you can handle it if they cannot take it, and if you are willing to risk the friendship. I have heard of this working and I believe it can, but the friends we chose to drop hints too couldn't take it.

We had two sets of very close friends that we thought could handle it and might also benefit. Our intention was not to pressure them or hook up with them, but to be able to actually talk about the fun we have. It was to the point where they thought we just stayed at home and did nothing all of the time because we couldn't tell them the truth, and it made our times together less fun because we were keeping a huge secret. One couple I had been friends with since highschool and the other couple were friends that we had spent every special occassion with and vacationed together for over 10 years.

We never got the chance to elaborate on any of our hints with either couple. The female of the highschool couple completely freaked out, told other friends what she "thought" we were into, told us we were no longer welcome to play dice with the group we'd been playing with for about 6 years, and I have not spoken to her since. This was a few years ago.

The other couple changed the subject every time we dropped a hint - so we took the clue and haven't tried to even hint again. We still see them occasionally, but not as often and we don't have much to talk about when we do. They do know that we have a group of friends that we go to a lot of parties with - because we no longer party with them on New Years, etc. If they ever ask, we will tell them - but we don't bring it up anymore because we don't want to lose them like we did the other friends.

It's a tough call - I hope it works out for you better than it did for us! - Roni

[graygo98]

When making choices two questions I always ask myself are, "What do I expect to gain by doing this?" "What am I risking?"

In your case, the answers seem to be 1) nothing, and, 2) a close friendship and maybe more if they are disgusted and share that with others. So I would really ask myself why I would want to do this.

I know that you are really excited by your new life and want to share your excitement with your friends. That's natural. But don't assume that the reaction will be positive. We have only told one person, someone we thought would be very accepting.... lets just say that we have never raised the subject again.

[angelrose85053]

I agree with you graygo..and will add one thing to your advice..I always consider the consequences. If I make decision "A", am I will to accept the worst case scenario,in result?

All of my friends know about my husband and I. Fortunately for us we have always gravitated towards friends that indulged in this sort of sexual appetite. To be honest, I am not sure how we knew this or when/how we told our friends of our lifestyle. I think I have always felt that it was a very natural part of my life so building up a huge CONFESSION of sorts would have been over dramatizing it. Maybe that's why I don't remember when I told any of them.

Not sure that any of this really helps you. But I thought I would drop in my two cents. I really wish you luck. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be able to talk to my friends about my lifestyle. I sure hope your's will remain open minded for you.

Aimee

[WesternSwing]

If you feel that your friends are "Lifestyle friendly" then start dropping some hints. If not, leave it as is. We have vanilla friends that know and they think we are the coolest people and have the happiest relationship in the world. Then, there are others that if they knew they would never talk to us again, and we know that just from how they are with everything else. So you need to play this by ear and carefully think it through before you open up in that respect.

Mr. WS

[lovedoctor]

I wouldn't tell them unless they started asking questions. Like it or not, it changes friendships.

[lovn2share]

All of my friends know but only my mom knows in my family..
but i dont remember telling them out right and making a big deal over it..but we had put feelers out for a while and knew they were comfortable.. think it went something like " wow we watched a show on swingers the other night .. kinda interesting.. whats your thoughts?" anyway it worked for us Good luck

[VegasLee]

As many of you know Laura and I are very "OUT" in our Lifestyle.

Most everyone that knows us knows we have a different lifestyle. Some of them are in it and some are in the regular world.

Our true friends don't mind even if they are not in the Lifestyle. I can only remember one couple shying away from us after they found out and they went away. All that did was show me that they where not our true friends.

To me there is no reason to hide who you are. We could not be who we are if we had to hide our Lifestyle. Honesty with all is on the top of our list, not with just those that we feel would not judge us.

[Dave_kat]

We live on a military base, and for those of you with the experience, you know it's cose quarters and such. With the constant deployments, Kat came out to our next door neighbor a while ago, as she had started asking questions about a girl who had come to stay with her.

They are still good friends, and although she sometimes cringes when kat offers to help her straighten out clothing, there is no otherside view of things.

The thing is, they also have never told anyone.

Before you feel out your friends, ask yourself if they are the type who might mention it to someone else in your group of friends. They might be closer to ya'll now, but a small circle of friends, things might get mentioned. You might end up outing yourself to your whole group of friends.

Caution is my reccomendation, especially in areas where this might be very seriously frowned upon.

[Mr. Better Half]

I agree with LoveDoctor. It would change things. If you like this friendship the way it is, leave it that way.

My wife and I are so new to this that I think I can look back well less than a year and see how we would have reacted if one of our friends had "come out" to us. This whole decision to swing is not made instantaneously, and the foundation that allows it to be made is laid over time. Think of the years of societal programming that makes us think that sex is dirty or harmful and that sharing your spouse with someone is the greatest sin ever. Bit by bit over time we begin to ask why. If you started with only the golden rule (of any religion) and built a system of morals to live by from it, you would end up with a system that looks remarkedly like that of the major religions. We can extrapolate from the golden rule to get rules not to steal, injure, kill, lie, and pretty much everything else that modern religions hand us. What we would not come up with, however, is a rule against swinging. We would certainly come up with a rule against cheating, but swinging requires concensus from all and results in only increased pleasure and happiness. And yet society has a strict taboo against sharing sex with other couples. It is only, I think, when people start to internalize their own system of morals that they begin to see that society has almost everything right, but not the prohibition against swinging. All of us that swing have passed that point and operate on an internal system of values that would survive even if we found out tomorrow that all religions are false. This gives us a great advantage over people that have external systems of value that have not yet been internalized.

Regardless of how they act, it is difficult to be sure that your friends have reached the point where they ask why when presented with a "moral" that doesn't violate the golden rule (like swinging). Think back to the time before swinging ever entered your mind. How would you react if your friends said that they were swingers? Would it change things? Probably.

I hope you don't think I am just arrogant, but I think that we swingers (as a group) are "further down the road" in terms of filtering out the societal norms that cannot be derived from the golden rule. We have some great friends, too, but since we can't know how far they are down the road, we keep our lifestyle to ourselves. But that is just us, and that is just now. Maybe with more experience we will feel more comfortable and won't be such cowards. However, I can certainly understand the desire to tell them in an effort to increase their own happiness. Be careful that it doesn't backfire.

[Alura]

Don't do it like we once did.

A friend once confided that his wife was unreasonably jealous. A Sunday-long conversation followed in which I used swinging as an example of how free couples could be without jealousy problems. I subsequently told him that we play, but there was no invitation. He and I agreed not to tell his wife about our conversation.

Two days later his wife 'phoned me in a rage! How dare I propose "wife-swapping" to them? They were good, Christian people! She would never have sex with anyone but her husband. (By the way, we had known her through two previous husbands and countless boyfriends.) She slammed down the phone and we haven't seen either of them since. Let's see... That was about ten years ago.

Here's how we'd try to bring up the subject without making anybody mad. We'd ask questions over a period of days, weeks or months, that couldn't be answered with "Yes" or "No," such as:

"How do y'all feel about Mexican Food?"
"How do y'all feel about Mayor LaFortune?"
"How do y'all feel about the Sooners chances this fall?"
"How do y'all feel about Dirty Dancing?"
"How do y'all feel about Swinging?"

If they don't take well to the subject, change it. "Just a thought about an article I once read. Not important... How do y'all feel about Mexican Food?"

If, however, they take well to the subject, you may have a whole new emphasis on a good friendship. Good Luck!

Mr. Alura

[intuition897]

Had a less explosive experience that was similar to Alura's.

Mr. intuition was talking guy-talk with my sister's husband (I know, you can see where this is going, eh?) and he talked about how he and I sometimes went up to the clubs in Toronto to see our friends. Which clubs? Well, of course one tid-bit leads to another and before long Mr. intuition tells BIL that they're "sex clubs". You mean like strip joints? No, like swinger's clubs. He says he wishes there was some way he could get my sister to go to one of those. Mr. intuition says, for God's sake, don't bring it up to her. Tell her to come and talk to me (Mrs. intuition). Well, for a while we hear nothing about it. Then during conversation between all four of us some time later, someone mentions something about me just having fun (with something, don't remember what it was now...not important). Dear sister dryly remarks, "I don't think [Mrs. intuition]'s idea of 'fun' is the same as MY idea of fun.", followed by an awkward moment of silence. Mr. intuition shoots BIL a scowl, and BIL looks sheepish. It was obvious to all of us what she was talking about.

So many times I just think, "Oh to hell with it! Just grow up people! If you don't like it, don't look." :rollseyes:

[good times]

We have several friends that know and we also have several former friends that now know and will no longer associate with us. I just wanted to add to what the others have said that in all cases of friends that know about our swinging just their knowing it has changed the friendship between us, and so far, none of the changes were in a good way. With the ones that are still on speaking terms with us they are just more distant than before, we don't get invited to their vanilla functions as much as we used to. So if they are good friends and you like the friendship the way it is, I wouldn't tell them.