Experiences with telling vanilla friends about swinging lifestyle involvement

[EvilMJ]

Dito

We had best friends. In fact we started out swinging with them, but the moment we started out into the 'lifestyle' it all changed. Out of respect and friendship I told her what we were doing, but she said they could never do that, and then they slowly drifted away from us. She felt that we spent more time with our new 'swinger friends' than we did with them. This was just an excuse in my opionion (keep in mind at the time they lived an hour away and gas was going up in price, so visits became less frequent), a nice way to break off our close friendship.

For us we just prefer to keep our vanilla life in the dark and our swinger friends separate.

Oh I just thought of another situation, swinger friends of ours were open and told their friends that they were swingers (and that we were too). the wife of the couple got all excited by the prospect and wanted to become a swinger too. The hubby was 100% against the idea. Now their marriage is stressed because she can't seem to let go of it. Now that is no one's fault but their own, but it just shows that sometimes a little too much information can be harmful.

[gaznrachy]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone.

Various experiences and outlooks. Think for now we'll keep it quiet and just see how the land lies in time.

Once again thank you

[good times]

I just wanted to add one more thought to this. Our vanilla friends that know often tend not to be near as discrete about it as our swinger friends are. Once one vanilla friend knows it is often not long before everyone they know finds it out from them.

[Alura]

Good Times wrote:

Once one vanilla friend knows it is often not long before everyone they know finds it out from them.

That happened in our case. Mrs. Righteous had lunch with Mrs. Mutual Friend and told her how immoral we were. Mrs. Mutual Friend was hurt because we'd never suggested Swinging to her and her husband.

Go figure...

Mr. Alura

[Edison Carter]

Here's the simple fact, if most people knew what went on in their friends bedrooms, they'd probably run and hide. Whether it's a matter of 'too much information' or the fact that sex is an extremely powerful and potent social element, most are too timid to explore or discuss, which is fine. Ask this of yourselves, would you tell your neighbors how you fuck each other ? If not, telling them that you fuck other people, probably is equally unwise.

[Better Half]

"Ask this of yourselves, would you tell your neighbors how you fuck each other ? If not, telling them that you fuck other people, probably is equally unwise."

I agree with Edison Carter. If you don't give your friends a play-by-play of what occurs in your bedroom (I mean graphic detail) don't even think about confiding something like this to them. They would probably kick you out of the kids car pool. In fact, in my neighborhood, the fact that one of the neighbors had a weekly poker game with fairly high stakes was cause for much debate. So I can't imagine what something like swinging would cause. Maybe a riot??????

[DBL D]

Well, back in our swinging days...there was a couple or two I would've like to have told. But I got to thinking...was it because I knew it would shock them? What if they weren't shocked and laughed. I guess that would be okay, but.

Anyway I sorta told myself that I felt that way because of the excitement I had from the lifestyle and wanted to share it with someone. but then what happens when things go south and you decide to leave the lifestyle and they ask what is up? Suddenly it doesn't seem so important to tell. If they are curious give them credit to find their own way and maybe if you meet them at a club you can have a good laugh about it. Otherwise...just fantasize.

M.D.

[keysync]

BE CAREFULL!!!!
The wife and I were never thought of as swinger until we actually went to a swingers club. We have been doing it for about 15 years and yeah every person we know knew about the things we "used to do" Well not long ago we started to go to a swingers club on the weekends once or so a month. Well now it seems there's a different view of who we are.
Some friends are HEY GUYS We heard about that club can we go. And there are some friends that are warming up to the idea inviting us for dinners on sunday afternoon, and then there are some that god save them if they live in a glass house cause the stones are in the air. Trying to belittle me etc. Saying things like that's a dangerous game you're playing stuff like that. Well in that case the guy that told me about it being "dangerous" has recently divorced from a woman that helped herself to every guy in the neighborhood without him knowing it. I stood up and told him. "look I appreciate the advise of it being dangerous, however our situation is a far cry from what I'm sure you think it is.. So don't talk about things you know nothing about.
I've known this guy since I was 5 years old. He knows I'm right and agreed and we dropped it and went on with business.
Moral of the story.
If you live in a small town and one person other than your wife knows.
You better get used to the idea of your chiropractor, barber, grocer, mail man, etc knowing you and your wife get "funky" on the weekend.

Goog luck

[getnit2gethr]

I understand completely what you're talking about. We have a few vanilla friends who are probably sure we've gone loopy. Lately, we have to go out of our way to do things with them without slipping up and saying something loopy to them. We would never tell them but we fear they may be getting the idea. Maybe VegasLee is right and they aren't really true friends if we can't tell them everything, but to be fair we became friends years ago as vanillas and we changed (a little). Maybe they won't care what we do but why be in a hurry to bring it on them?

On the other side of the coin we have another group of vanilla friends who act a little as if they are in the lifestyle but we are not certain. To fuel our suspicion, we later found the parents of one of these friends on a swingers website (btw, that info is safe with us). But after thinking about it, what would be the point of knowing? To play with them? It seems highly unlikely that they're even compatable that way. Besides, it's probably only a matter of time before things break open with them anyway since we are less worried about it.

Hope this helps. We'll be reading this thread with interest.

[all4fun]

In theory, I like the idea of

"Oh to hell with it! Just grow up people! If you don't like it, don't look.

.

I only have a couple of good friends in the "vanilla world". Both of them, I know, would not be responsive to the idea. They are very jealous people when it comes to their spouses and vica versa. I truely don't think they would understand how much better my relationship has become with my husband. The part of the relationship that is better is that we communicate so much more and are more open with our feelings.

They would think that we are loco. We keep the lifestyle to ourselve and it actually is great having a secret that only the two of us share in our real world. Yeah, we are happier, healthier and more full of life now. We have made a couple of new friends in the lifestyle and it is great to share this with them.

I value my friendship with my "vanilla friends" too much to even think of screwing it up, so I keep this to myself for now. If the subject was ever brought up by them, I would be willing to give away my secret.

[havefuninsun]

My ya-ya's (the sisterhood, if you will) would have an intervention for me. No doubt about it. Or try to have me committed. Opinionated, those girls ...

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

My ya-ya's (the sisterhood, if you will) would have an intervention for me. No doubt about it. Or try to have me committed. Opinionated, those girls ...

Which would make it all the more fun to tell them.

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Which would make it all the more fun to tell them.

Bad bad bad -- hahahahahaha!!

[plyfltxcpl]

I agree with angelrose, if they ask why not tell them and invite them to go out with you.

[MoonLightKiss]

To tell or not to tell. For my husband and I we are both of the same mind and have two philosophies on friendship. 1. A friend is a friend, no matter what. Short of placing them in situations in which someone is uncomfortable, of course if you are a friend you wont do it, because you love them. 2. Everyone in your life at some point will stab you and hurt you. An enemy stabs you in the back and walks away. A friend stabs you in the chest, lets you see it coming, feels bad and apologizes for it. That being said, we told our four closest friends, who are couples. Both of them gave us the same answer. Sounds like ya'll are having fun and thats great. I don't think I could do it with my wife/husband though. But hey, whatever floats your boat and makes ya feel good is fine with us. No more was ever said. They know, and they love us anyway, even though the lifestyle isnot for them. Now, would we just come "OUT" I don't think we will ever be that open about it. We know these people will never breathe a word about it. But we live in a small town, where if it came out, my husband might lose his job for some BS reason, I would be treated like the town hooker, our children would be treated like they had leprousy, and we would have to move. So we choose not to come "OUT" It really is a decision that you have to make for yourselves. How well do you trust them? Do you KNOW they are still going to be friends with you after telling? Bottom line, If they are truly friends, and they truly love you for you and not what you do, then they will be okay with it. If they wont be, can you really call them friends? wouldnt that make them more like close aquaintences?