How to determine if our friends are swingers?

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by DBL D

Congratulations Girl!



Or maybe she has reached a place where she is entirely comfy...what with your flirtatiousness and all. You say she's wild, but besides having fantasies about ffm's nothing seems to happen. How about addressing the sex/love angle or "sharing"?

Thanks for all the congrats, folks. I'm just getting warmed up.

I just suggested that maybe she has a preconceived notion of what swinging is, and her vision is NOT what she wants to be labeled as. She doesn't see her attitude or behaviour, no matter how swingeriffic it is, as swinging. To her it's just harmless flirting and having fun. It's exactly the same stuff that we do, but we've given it a name. That's all. Some folks never go beyond soft swap, or even beyond just attending the clubs for the erotic atmosphere...then they go home and have sex with just each other. Hey, it's whatever rocks your world! If that's your kink, then kudos for your open-mindedness. Couples who are even that open are rare enough.

[Jester]

Originally Posted by dallmax1

"...I say that because in your posts I get a sense of I want this for me, how do I get her to "agree. It may not be the case, but that is how I perceive it."

Wow, that is what you perceive after 3 posts; I think that may have been a little quick to judge, that is how I perceive it.

I think it (swinging) would be a blast for my wife. I think it would add to our relationship. Believe me, if this was all just about "Me" there are plenty of "Me" things I could do, but won't do; the fact of the matter is its about "us".

intuition897 and botcpl maybe on to something; perhaps its semantics.

No judgments after all I did say it may not be the case as it was my perception based on the way things were worded. I think Txduo2000 expanded on it nicely and will leave that point there.

Have you found out the why behind the no?
...Is it no to that couple, or no in general
...is no to swinging, but yes to playing with others (labeling)
...Yes to FFM, but no to full couple play

Also, under the idea of labeling does she think doing this makes her a "slut"? With my wife that was kind her stumbling block she was afraid I would think less of her and it went against ideas of what a good mother and wife should be. That kind of play was supposed to be gotten out of your system before marriage and so on....

This is where communication and patience are key.

Rather than focusing on the sex with others, I had to reassure her that our relationship was solid. That it made her nothing but hot and sexy to be open to having fun. That it is our relationship and we define what is right for us. For us that kind of discussion had to come first.

Once she realized that she could be a sexual being AND a good mother and wife she was more receptive to the fantasy's and even started to communicate hers to me. Then we played with the fantasy's for awhile, and then started to put people into the fantasy's...unattainable ones. movies star's, sports figures and so on. Then the fantasy's moved a little closer to home, people we would see on the streets and in the mall or bars. And then a couple we knew... So it was a slow journey of letting her get comfortable with things at her pace.

And now she leads the charge and I am along for the ride of my life.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by intuition897

...Some folks never go beyond soft swap, or even beyond just attending the clubs for the erotic atmosphere...then they go home and have sex with just each other. Hey, it's whatever rocks your world! If that's your kink, then kudos for your open-mindedness. Couples who are even that open are rare enough.

Very true! He should feel like a lucky guy as it is, but if he wants to do more then he has to talk to someone and it's best if she knows she can be whatever she wants to be, labeling be-damned.

Male D

[dallmax1]

Originally Posted by txduo2000

Usually it is one part of a couple that first brings up the idea of swinging, and many times the other partner is reticent to agree, but with continued talking and hashing out the pros and cons, and talking openly and honestly to your desires for being in the lifestyle, the other partner starts to realize that it is not something that diminishes, but enhances a relationship. Perhaps this is what you meant by "persuading" your wife. But no one can give you advice on how to do that. Only you know your wife and how best to talk to her. I would be very reluctant to tell anyone specifically what to say or do to convince someone this is right for them, other than suggesting researching and communicating.

That is exactly what I mean by persuading her. When I say I have mentioned to my wife, it has been in passing; I have not discussed it with her as something I seriously want to do, that is why I came to this site to look for advice. I am not trying to "strong arm" her into doing anything she doesn’t want to do.

Definition of persuade: to move by argument, entreaty, or expostulation to a belief, position, or course of action

I assume a lot of people had to persuade their wives (girlfriends)/husbands (boyfriends) at one point to try swinging.

That was/is the advice I was looking for.

That is why I asked if our friends were possible swingers; the conversation I could then have with my wife would be, Bill and Suzy are swingers, have you ever thought about doing anything like that. Or if they are over in the hot tub and we soft swung, that too could be a safe start. It personalizes it more than having her look on this board where she doesn't know anyone. Grant it, I don't personally know any of you, but she hasn't ever been on a message board like I have. If she personally knows someone who swings, she might be more open to the possibility.

Thanks for all those who have offered advice.

[DBL D]

Well, I think you can suggest things to your wife and let it go. If she's interested she'll come back to you and ask you what you meant or if you were serious. If her only fantasies include you and you only you may have a difficult time "persuading" her. If she really is wild at heart, then I think you'll have an easier time dealing with things as they come along.

I still think you're ahead of the crowd having a lady who doesn't mind your flirting. She sounds like a "menu-reader" at this time.

Male D

[dallmax1]

Just a side note. I dressed as Santa for bowling on Saturday night; of course I had on my mistletoe belt buckle .

When the time is right I will pursue it more.

Thanks everyone.

[dallmax1]

Let me first off apologize to everyone who responded to this question. I am sorry that you wasted your time writing for I didn’t take the advice everyone had to offer.

I’ll try to make a long story short. Suzy, Bill, MRS and I…Dance club…drinks…hot tub…I brought up swinging…Suzy and I alone in the hot tub…talk more of the details of a swap…a kiss…we stopped before anything further happened. We ended with you talk to your spouse and I’ll talk with mine and maybe something may come of it. I did. MRS said no, but agreed to look at this site. She found this thread. I came clean about the kiss. I messed up; I talked to the other couple before my wife; she was very upset with me (I can’t blame her). We’ve talked and are in the process of dealing with my dishonesty and kissing her friend. I was a dumb ass and didn’t listen to what people told me over and over again about talking to my wife. Had I, it would have saved a lot of tears, sleepless nights and loss of trust. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

My wife told me “You would have got a lot more than a kiss had you brought up swinging to me instead of Suzy!” Now we, instead of me, are looking into the lifestyle.

I will try to do a better job of listening to all the wonderful advice which people spend their time giving.

[Spoomonkey]

We might need to find a way to make this the "welcome" thread for the board...

Its one of those "mistakes" that others can learn from.

Sorry to hear things went awry, but asking that question can be scary. You should have - you know that - you're beating yourself up more than anyone else ever will.

Hopefully your wife will work with you to work through this.

It is a painful learning experience, but I sincerely hope that the two of you can turn it into soemthing that brings you closer and lets you both explore your fantasies as partners in crime - growing closer every step of the way.

Good luck to you!

Spoomonkey

[DBL D]

Hey dallmax1,

Geez, your last post makes me feel awful. I'm sorry this has happened. I must say though that lying about it won't help.

However, you never know what good may come of this. At least folks know more about you and they know you must know you are living the way You want to. That's why lying won't help things. You sorta diffused the fire you started when that was what you wanted in the first place. I wish you good luck.

Stay loose...but not too loose.

Male D

[dallmax1]

Originally Posted by DBL D

Hey dallmax1,

Geez, your last post makes me feel awful.

Male D

Hey DBL D, Don't feel too awful; I am the one who brought this onto myself. Live and learn, move on. The amount of love I have for my wife is immeasurable; I never meant to hurt her, but did. I am slowly building back the trust I destroyed. Thanks for your message.

Take Care.