Can you be friends in and out of the bedroom?

Handyman69 · 10-02-2002, 08:43 PM

We are new to this (4 months or so). Found a couple that we clicked very well with. Seemed to be blooming into a good friendship on a platonic level. Then things progressed to soft swap and we left with a good feeling. Then out of the blue the couple backed away from us. Both of us were new to this lifestyle and many emotions surfaced.
Question is....Can you be friends in the bedroom and out of the house? Has hit me very hard and need to resolve some issues as I really don't want that rejection again. Does anyone have any advice?

Chicup · 10-02-2002, 11:15 PM

Perhaps they discovered they were not ready to swing yet and wanted to stop?

New2forU2 · 10-03-2002, 12:34 AM

Wow, we're pretty new at this too, and one of our first experiences was very similar. Truthfully, I think the other couple backed off a bit because they wanted us to develop a circle of playmates and prevent an inappropriate attachment. I completely understand their actions. We were lucky enough to find another couple we were compatible with on many levels, and well, the friendship actually took off as well - it brought on a lot of emotion, and perhaps might have gotten a little too intense. Sometimes I wonder if it might have been a little less complicated to just have great sex the first time around, but then again, I know the friendship helped ease us into the sex - don't know that it would have happened if they hadn't made us feel so comfortable! We are still friends, but the intensity has diminished - it needed to do so. I think that my husband and I need to get a little more acclimated to the "playing" aspect of the lifestyle, and when we do, I suspect we will see more of this couple. And I really do respect that they backed away when they did - it's allowing us some time to adjust and think about how this is affecting us as a couple. I think that's really important to do when you're first getting started and I hope you can do the same!

Hope this helps you!

Ms. L

(Boy, once you get past that first post, it gets a whole lot easier!!!!)

Handyman69 · 10-03-2002, 05:25 PM

Thanks for the advice. Helps a little. Wish we could work it out but your right we were all probably too intense. Hope to learn from this. Our first experince was hard felt a little like being used, so the the second just felt too right. Should have know that when things feel too right than something must be up. Hope the future holds better things.

the2ofus · 10-04-2002, 11:36 AM

The question can we be friends in the bedroom and out of the house really got my attention.
When we started talking about swinging, one of our steadfast rules was that we had to be friends long before we went any further. Our attitude is that we dont have to have sex to be friends with someone, but we have to be friends to have sex with them. Since we got into the lifestyle 3+ years ago, we have made many great friends, some we have played with, and some we havent. Either way, we know that we can socialize with any of them with no expectations when we do get together.

Handyman69 · 10-04-2002, 09:37 PM

that's the problem. I thought we were friends. I feel now that I should have stopped things, knowing things were going to fast. The other couple had set up the rules and we were following without complaints. Unfortunately, I think, they put things into a faster mode and it brought on too many mixed emotions. Next time, rules will be followed until ready. Guess this knowledge comes with experience so will learn and live on. I still am hopeful that the friendship can be saved on a platonic level. Probably wishful thinking.

4sum · 10-05-2002, 07:44 AM

You've mentioned that the situation has been emotional, and I'm assuming that means for both couples?

Our first experience was similar, only with the other couple getting very emotional and argumentative in front of us... We had "dated" several times prior to trying anything and pretty much let them take it at their own pace...They were a very nice couple and we got along well with them. After a couple tries with the same results, we ended up kind of mutually deciding not to see each other any more. It was tough at first, but we got through it and decided to learn from our experience and try again. And no, we haven't been in contact with them since.

We eventually found a couple we really seemed to click with and have been very happy since. Not that it has been a friction free ride either, but it has been incredibly awesome when it's good. I doubt that there are that many swingers out there that have been at this for very long that can say every experience has been better than the last. The people you choose to play with are people, and subject to the same trials and quirks as everyone else.

The level of friendship you decide on is almost independent of the level of sexual involvement you decide on. We've found that for us the more connected we feel to our playmates, the more intense the sex can be. But that also means a higher emotional risk as well.

Sex and Emotions are a very two edged sword. At one end of the scale, if you have sex without any emotional connection, then it will likely tend to become mechanical and ultimately unsatisfying once the thrill of having new partners has worn off. On the other hand, if you have a total emotional commitment to another couple then you risk blurring the lines of commitment in your spousal relationship. Finding the balance among these extremes for you as a couple is one of the keys to being able to successfully enjoy having relationships outside the marriage both in the bedroom and out.

Good luck!

NealnAnji · 10-08-2002, 11:40 AM

Quote:

On the other hand, if you have a total emotional commitment to another couple then you risk blurring the lines of commitment in your spousal relationship. Finding the balance among these extremes for you as a couple is one of the keys to being able to successfully enjoy having relationships outside the marriage both in the bedroom and out.

It appears that many couples prefer not to have deep friendship and emotional commitment for this very reason. Are there two schools of thought here as far as swinging/swapping spouses for sex goes? Fitst says let us just swap spouses and have sex, friends we have and do not need any more. Other says friendship before swapping and engaging in sexual intercourse with the other couple. Is it OK to just fuck the other wife/husband without emotional commitment to avoid issues mentioned here? After all is'nt swinging supposed to mean recreational sex without emotional commitment!

We have many close friends whose wives I would love to have sexual intercourse with or simply fuck. For now we have both agreed to stay away from having sexual relationships with friends to avoid emotional complications.

Any thoughts pro/con?

SwingerSet · 10-08-2002, 01:02 PM

We prefer to play with friends, not to say that we have never enjoyed people that we just met, because we have. Its just that we like to get to know the people we play with, there is the fact that we know more about them, what they like, less chance of std's [Eek!]

. we don't really have a emotional attachment to them per say, at least not anymore so than the people we work with.

4sum · 10-08-2002, 05:06 PM

Exactly!

Based on a couple's personality, sense of commitment, and just plain old personal preferences, we all define what we do in our own way. For us, we really like sharing the core stuff that turns us on. That means some amount of emotional commitment. We don't like to "just fuck". But we don't think there's anything "wrong" with folks who do...it's just not our way.

For us, we don't think that there is a right or wrong way to swing other than this...If you are doing something that one of the other people involved can't handle, then it's wrong. If you're staying true to your values and those of the people you are with, then it's right. I think that much of the friction in swinging situations comes from disregarding this rule of mutual gratification.

Handyman69 · 10-08-2002, 08:45 PM

I can agree on the last statement. I just wish we had waited. I think all moved too fast and some were not ready. Unfortunately you can't turn back the hands of time. Feel my husband and I are on the same level and we plan to stay that way. We also can't change people and how they feel as some don't know the emotions until all is said and done.

Really appreciate all the responses from everyone.
Mrs. Handyman [kiss]

sportync · 10-11-2002, 08:29 AM

Mrs. Sporty and I have only had a couple of full-swing experiences, and each time it envloved close, long-time friendships that developed into swinging. Unfortunately, we rarely see them any more because it seems that now, whenever they mention getting together again it seems that they expect it to include sex. Being the horney dog that I am, I don't really have a problem with that, but the little woman seems to resent this attitude on their part. She wonders why we can't just go out and have a good time without having to feel pressured into turning an enjoyable evening into another sexual encounter. She seems to feel sort of used and I can understand her perspective on this. The sex play with them was fun, but not without some problems which included way too much alcohol and some emotional games which came about due to problems in their own relationship. They don't seem to have the trust or solid commitment that we feel is necessary before a couple enters into this kind of activity (both parties got Mrs. Sporty to the side and wanted to engage her in a 3-some in my absence which really pissed her off). Mrs. Sporty was quite young when we first got together and has had a limited number of sexual partners, so she has to feel real comfortable with someone before venturing any further, and that is part of the reason that I love her and trust her so much (I have an ex that was a total slut and would drop her drawers for almost anybody). I, on the other hand, have had casual sex with a number of different partners and don't necessarily feel the need for a deep friendship to develop before getting naked with someone. But I understand my wife's feelings on this matter and know better than to try and push her in a direction she's not ready to go. Because of these experiences, we have backed off and are only now considering trying to develop some new friendships that, hopefully, will lead to some erotic activity in the future. Some of the most exciting sex I've ever had has been with others involved...I don't really know why, but that just seems to be the one thing that really rocks my world. Because of this, I tend to be much more open to this sort of activity than her, but because I love her and regard her needs and desires as important as my own, I let her take things at her own speed and comfort level. As the saying goes, "If everyone isn't enjoying themselves, then you probably shouldn't be doing it!" Sportync

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10-02-2002, 08:43 PM	#1 (permalink)
Handyman69 Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 553 Location: MI..God's country.so we thought. Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:handyman69	Can you be friends in and out of the bedroom? We are new to this (4 months or so). Found a couple that we clicked very well with. Seemed to be blooming into a good friendship on a platonic level. Then things progressed to soft swap and we left with a good feeling. Then out of the blue the couple backed away from us. Both of us were new to this lifestyle and many emotions surfaced. Question is....Can you be friends in the bedroom and out of the house? Has hit me very hard and need to resolve some issues as I really don't want that rejection again. Does anyone have any advice?

10-03-2002, 12:34 AM	#3 (permalink)
New2forU2 Registered Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 5 Location: Chicago Suburbs	Wow, we're pretty new at this too, and one of our first experiences was very similar. Truthfully, I think the other couple backed off a bit because they wanted us to develop a circle of playmates and prevent an inappropriate attachment. I completely understand their actions. We were lucky enough to find another couple we were compatible with on many levels, and well, the friendship actually took off as well - it brought on a lot of emotion, and perhaps might have gotten a little too intense. Sometimes I wonder if it might have been a little less complicated to just have great sex the first time around, but then again, I know the friendship helped ease us into the sex - don't know that it would have happened if they hadn't made us feel so comfortable! We are still friends, but the intensity has diminished - it needed to do so. I think that my husband and I need to get a little more acclimated to the "playing" aspect of the lifestyle, and when we do, I suspect we will see more of this couple. And I really do respect that they backed away when they did - it's allowing us some time to adjust and think about how this is affecting us as a couple. I think that's really important to do when you're first getting started and I hope you can do the same! Hope this helps you! Ms. L (Boy, once you get past that first post, it gets a whole lot easier!!!!) Last edited by JustAskJulie : 06-22-2004 at 11:55 PM.

10-05-2002, 07:44 AM	#7 (permalink)
4sum Here to Stay Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 92 Location: CT Status: Fourple	You've mentioned that the situation has been emotional, and I'm assuming that means for both couples? Our first experience was similar, only with the other couple getting very emotional and argumentative in front of us... We had "dated" several times prior to trying anything and pretty much let them take it at their own pace...They were a very nice couple and we got along well with them. After a couple tries with the same results, we ended up kind of mutually deciding not to see each other any more. It was tough at first, but we got through it and decided to learn from our experience and try again. And no, we haven't been in contact with them since. We eventually found a couple we really seemed to click with and have been very happy since. Not that it has been a friction free ride either, but it has been incredibly awesome when it's good. I doubt that there are that many swingers out there that have been at this for very long that can say every experience has been better than the last. The people you choose to play with are people, and subject to the same trials and quirks as everyone else. The level of friendship you decide on is almost independent of the level of sexual involvement you decide on. We've found that for us the more connected we feel to our playmates, the more intense the sex can be. But that also means a higher emotional risk as well. Sex and Emotions are a very two edged sword. At one end of the scale, if you have sex without any emotional connection, then it will likely tend to become mechanical and ultimately unsatisfying once the thrill of having new partners has worn off. On the other hand, if you have a total emotional commitment to another couple then you risk blurring the lines of commitment in your spousal relationship. Finding the balance among these extremes for you as a couple is one of the keys to being able to successfully enjoy having relationships outside the marriage both in the bedroom and out. Good luck! __________________ Champagne for my true friends! And true pain for my sham friends! ~ Oscar Wilde

10-08-2002, 01:02 PM	#9 (permalink)
SwingerSet Active Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 72 Location: Northern MN Status: Sexy Couple	We prefer to play with friends, not to say that we have never enjoyed people that we just met, because we have. Its just that we like to get to know the people we play with, there is the fact that we know more about them, what they like, less chance of std's . we don't really have a emotional attachment to them per say, at least not anymore so than the people we work with.

10-02-2002, 11:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
Chicup Not a potential *** Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 2,888 Location: Under the bed Status: Tired Blog Entries: 3	Perhaps they discovered they were not ready to swing yet and wanted to stop?

10-03-2002, 05:25 PM	#4 (permalink)
Handyman69 Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 553 Location: MI..God's country.so we thought. Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:handyman69	Thanks for the advice. Helps a little. Wish we could work it out but your right we were all probably too intense. Hope to learn from this. Our first experince was hard felt a little like being used, so the the second just felt too right. Should have know that when things feel too right than something must be up. Hope the future holds better things.

10-04-2002, 11:36 AM	#5 (permalink)
the2ofus Active Member Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 10 Location: Va	The question can we be friends in the bedroom and out of the house really got my attention. When we started talking about swinging, one of our steadfast rules was that we had to be friends long before we went any further. Our attitude is that we dont have to have sex to be friends with someone, but we have to be friends to have sex with them. Since we got into the lifestyle 3+ years ago, we have made many great friends, some we have played with, and some we havent. Either way, we know that we can socialize with any of them with no expectations when we do get together.

10-04-2002, 09:37 PM	#6 (permalink)
Handyman69 Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 553 Location: MI..God's country.so we thought. Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:handyman69	that's the problem. I thought we were friends. I feel now that I should have stopped things, knowing things were going to fast. The other couple had set up the rules and we were following without complaints. Unfortunately, I think, they put things into a faster mode and it brought on too many mixed emotions. Next time, rules will be followed until ready. Guess this knowledge comes with experience so will learn and live on. I still am hopeful that the friendship can be saved on a platonic level. Probably wishful thinking.

10-08-2002, 05:06 PM	#10 (permalink)
4sum Here to Stay Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 92 Location: CT Status: Fourple	Exactly! Based on a couple's personality, sense of commitment, and just plain old personal preferences, we all define what we do in our own way. For us, we really like sharing the core stuff that turns us on. That means some amount of emotional commitment. We don't like to "just fuck". But we don't think there's anything "wrong" with folks who do...it's just not our way. For us, we don't think that there is a right or wrong way to swing other than this...If you are doing something that one of the other people involved can't handle, then it's wrong. If you're staying true to your values and those of the people you are with, then it's right. I think that much of the friction in swinging situations comes from disregarding this rule of mutual gratification. __________________ Champagne for my true friends! And true pain for my sham friends! ~ Oscar Wilde

10-08-2002, 08:45 PM	#11 (permalink)
Handyman69 Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 553 Location: MI..God's country.so we thought. Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:handyman69	I can agree on the last statement. I just wish we had waited. I think all moved too fast and some were not ready. Unfortunately you can't turn back the hands of time. Feel my husband and I are on the same level and we plan to stay that way. We also can't change people and how they feel as some don't know the emotions until all is said and done. Really appreciate all the responses from everyone. Mrs. Handyman

10-11-2002, 08:29 AM	#12 (permalink)
sportync Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 232 Location: eastern north carolina	Mrs. Sporty and I have only had a couple of full-swing experiences, and each time it envloved close, long-time friendships that developed into swinging. Unfortunately, we rarely see them any more because it seems that now, whenever they mention getting together again it seems that they expect it to include sex. Being the horney dog that I am, I don't really have a problem with that, but the little woman seems to resent this attitude on their part. She wonders why we can't just go out and have a good time without having to feel pressured into turning an enjoyable evening into another sexual encounter. She seems to feel sort of used and I can understand her perspective on this. The sex play with them was fun, but not without some problems which included way too much alcohol and some emotional games which came about due to problems in their own relationship. They don't seem to have the trust or solid commitment that we feel is necessary before a couple enters into this kind of activity (both parties got Mrs. Sporty to the side and wanted to engage her in a 3-some in my absence which really pissed her off). Mrs. Sporty was quite young when we first got together and has had a limited number of sexual partners, so she has to feel real comfortable with someone before venturing any further, and that is part of the reason that I love her and trust her so much (I have an ex that was a total slut and would drop her drawers for almost anybody). I, on the other hand, have had casual sex with a number of different partners and don't necessarily feel the need for a deep friendship to develop before getting naked with someone. But I understand my wife's feelings on this matter and know better than to try and push her in a direction she's not ready to go. Because of these experiences, we have backed off and are only now considering trying to develop some new friendships that, hopefully, will lead to some erotic activity in the future. Some of the most exciting sex I've ever had has been with others involved...I don't really know why, but that just seems to be the one thing that really rocks my world. Because of this, I tend to be much more open to this sort of activity than her, but because I love her and regard her needs and desires as important as my own, I let her take things at her own speed and comfort level. As the saying goes, "If everyone isn't enjoying themselves, then you probably shouldn't be doing it!" Sportync __________________ this ain't no dress rehearsal

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