When swingers become friends and things go downhill

[jennandjamesinm]

We have never been in a situtation like that (yet!!), but I wanted to say that I do feel for you, and am sorry that things turned out that way for ya'll.

Jenn

[northindycpl]

Thanks for all your well thought out responses. I do appreciate everyones time!

This has been the most troubling issue I have delt with in swinging. Most things that occur are usually blatant or obvious, so you just move on. This sorta snuck up on us and struck!

Not discussing certain things is going to have to be the way we go I think. I don't have issues with religion or politics really, I am always up for a good debate. It is the deep dark marriage secrets that bother us so much.

We do like to get to know about people. Just in a positive way. When we make friends, we spend our time discussing the funny stories in our lives, telling jokes, talking about each other in a positive way. We try and keep it light, but with detail that tells about who we are and how we ended up where we are at.

There are a lot of things we don't discuss for a long time with many people. Political views are not a part of that, and to be honest, we are a very political family in general- outward supporters, campaign workers, on committees- it would be very hard for us to have the desire to be in relationships with others not of our political opinions.

That being said, the most troubling issue with this couple was the way they talked about each other to us. The money,job, kid issues pale in comparrison. But they really paired off and wife would tell me about all their arguments, what was said, who said what, the outcome, and on and on. She also told me deep dark secrets from her childhood, that frankly, really bothered Mr. Indy.

Those things just need to be left unsaid. Thats the kind of information you just need not know.

I was thinking about our successful friends in comparrison. Actually we know quite a lot about them, too... but in a friendly, skim the surface, way. What stands out to me the most is that they are also past the newbie stage and in the prime, like us. Maybe that should be our focus. Does anyone else find that to be the case?

I think we are going to try the skim-the-surface perspective and see how it goes.

BTW, the break-up hasn't been easy. The other couple is really upset and has been calling, stopping by, IM'ing and emailing. I guess they were clearly more attached then I thought. It is just an ugly situation all the way around. I just emailed them a final goodbye in response- yes, I am even mentoring them through the break-up.

(Massachist)

[jennandjamesinm]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

It is just an ugly situation all the way around. I just emailed them a final goodbye in response- yes, I am even mentoring them through the break-up.

(Massachist)

No it doesn't make you a masochist Mrs. Indy - it just shows that you have a very good heart and what kind of people you and Mr. Indy are - good people . I hope that James and I meet a couple like ya'll down the road, but you can bet that we won't be like the couple that you broke it off with. I would have done the same thing - whether it be in the swinging world or the vanilla world.

Jenn

[tribbles]

That being said, the most troubling issue with this couple was the way they talked about each other to us.

That sounds like the heart of the matter. For us, this could bother us and chase us away. I would have brought it out in the open or if it was said as "don't tell I said, but..." then I'd tell the person I didnt' wanna hear it. Not without your spouse here too.

The money, kids, job and even childhood issues are things our friends already know and we know theirs if we truly become friends. I (S) tend to be very open with who I am, what got me here, how I've dealt with issues that I've faced. I don't tell just anyone, they have to be standing still long enough talking to me about the subject for me to manage to share my story. But I am not picky about who I tell. I figure my POV and what I did or what happened to me, might maybe give someone a different view than they have been exposed to. I also like it when people give me new views to ponder. (Some just plain shock me, but I need that too!)

The same way many say they are open with their kids about sexuality, I think the world (this is just my POV), needs people to be more open. Great, if people are open with sexuality, now how about learning all about the emotional coping and ups and downs from each other? Which is what this thread is about.

And money....I have learned so much due to people telling me how they manage their money, I can do a better job with my own. (And for some, it was the what not to do, that they did, I learned from). And how others have coped with a tough to deal with boss and work issues...I learn from that.

Now if it's just whinning and complaining, the same old thing, I'm very likely to laugh and say "didn't you say that last week (or month) and nothing has changed? Are you doing the same old thing and expecting different results? Maybe you need to get more help than I can offer". And with that, I shut the door. After that, I tend to laugh, yes out loud (and yeah, oddly in real life, it comes across fine and I have many long term friends) and poke fun at the person for doing "it" AGAIN....those who stay my friends learn to laugh at themselves as well.

[jennandjamesinm]

Are you doing the same old thing and expecting different results?

I had a therapist tell me that was the definition of insanity in layman's terms.

Jenn

[northindycpl]

I have a deck of cards that have inspirational saying on them, one for everyday. My card for today says:

I forgive myself and all those trying to grow

Today The lesson I am learning is from the Goddess of Protection

Use this gift whenever you are down on yourself and others- especially when you notice the use of negative affirmations. Be happy you notice these things, as it means you are making fast progress. Loving yourself and other requires forgiveness. It is an essential quality of the person living a life of quality and meaning.

OK.... Just thought it ironic that this was the card I pulled today at random, given the situation.

[Atilla]

I think that this couple looked to us as their Mentor couple.

well, if they did you would have figured that they would've caught on that something was wrong when you hadn't got together for 8 weeks. It's too bad they didn't catch on sooner that something was wrong and then approach you about it. Maybe it didn't need to get to this point. Unfortunately, they obviously they both considered you good enough friends that they could "dump" their load of daily lives on you.

Maybe the best thing to do at this moment is get together someplace for coffee with them and explain to them what happened. No one likes hearing other people's problems especially to that degree. You want to get together and have fun not be brought down by "baggage".

I don't know what else to say. Are you interested at all in salvaging this relationship? or are you both just so tired of hearing the complaints that you're totally turned off?

I know it's tough when you're friends. But if you're true friends, you'll try to work it out. Maybe playing with them shouldn't be an option anymore if you do salvage this friendship.