Should we swing with our FB and his new girlfriend?

[Vespertine]

We have a single male friend that we played a lot with last year, and had a great time with. Earlier this fall, he started a new relationship, and our playtime ended.

We remain great friends and see eachother often, in total vanilla fashion. His girlfriend, we all thought, wouldn't be able to understand our past sexual history, and nothing was said to her about it.

Well, seems things have changed now.

Our guy friend was unhappy in a traditional relationship, and expressed his desires to his girlfriend. From what I understand, the two of them have been discussing swinging, and she's open to trying it out.

I'm convinced she's just doing this as a last resort, to stay in a relationship with him. She's a very reserved woman, and this just doesn't seem like a lifestyle for her, IMO. I don't know her that well, but that's the feeling I get. Our friend thinks it would be fun for the four of us to get together, and his girlfriend is looking forward to it as well. My husband is game, he says as long as she's wanting to play, he sees no problem.

But I'm not so sure.

I know regardless of what happens, we'll always be close to our male friend. I also know that if this lifestyle isn't for her, he's prepared to end the relationship. I don't particularly want to be caught in the middle of a break-up, if it plays out that way.


What would you guys do?

[northindycpl]

Well I always go with my intuition. If yours is telling you something is amiss, then believe it.

If your intuition is in check then you can't second guess her right now. Maybe she is really interested in it. It is hard to tell what their relationship is about as an outsider, and until you are involved in it you won't know. If you find her an attractive playmate, then maybe you should try it out in a low-key way. I am not sure I would rush out and get a room, but maybe the 4 of you should go to a club, or out dancing. See if you get the feeling she is ok. Take her out for a test drive, so to speak.

Thats what I would do.

[Alura]

Vespertine asked:

What would you guys do?

Since her boyfriend has already broached the subject, we'd invite them over, tell her about the SwingersBoard, and sit her down in front of the "Wife Worshippers" thread.

Talk, talk, talk...

Alura

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Vespertine

I'm convinced she's just doing this as a last resort, to stay in a relationship with him. She's a very reserved woman, and this just doesn't seem like a lifestyle for her, IMO. I don't know her that well, but that's the feeling I get.

If you're convinced, I'm convinced. I say trust your female instincts and don't play with them until they have played with others and know if it's right for their relationship.

Why would you want to be her "experiment couple?" Besides, he's a good friend and if things don't go well, is he going to be put in a position of taking sides?--you guys or his new girl. Sounds risky to me.

Women can do some dumb things to try and keep a man. I'd spend more vanilla time with them, but not swing with them.

Also, did this guy already tell her you are swingers? Did he ask your permission to do that? That concerns me too. If you did all swing, and then they broke up, she could be an angry woman who would want to tell the world "Have I got a story for you!" And there you are, the characters in her latest break-up story.

LM

[curiousagain]

I have to agree with LM here. Besides, maybe it's just me, but successful swingers seem so in love with each other that swinging is extension of their sex life, not all of it. If he loves swinging more than her, I honestly don't think he loves her enough to swing with her. I have thought about it a lot and kinda waffled back and forth for awhile, but have decided if I loved someone enough to marry them, I would love them enough to swing with them or not swing at all.

[VegasLee]

I don't try to figure out if some people belongs in the Lifestyle or not anymore.

Many years ago when Laura and I had been together for about a year I put on my "STUPID HAT" as she calls it and broke us up because I did not think she would be able to deal with the Lifestyle that I had been in most of my life.

Boy did I get lucky! For some reason she liked me enough to beat on me until I told her why we where breaking up. I thought wrong about her and the Lifestyle. She was interested in checking it out and a couple weeks later she was like an ole timer at it.

Well, many years later we are still a couple and enjoy our Lifestyle together forever.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Also, did this guy already tell her you are swingers? Did he ask your permission to do that? That concerns me too. If you did all swing, and then they broke up, she could be an angry woman who would want to tell the world "Have I got a story for you!" And there you are, the characters in her latest break-up story.

LM

She knows we're swingers, he asked Mr. Vespertine if it was alright to tell her, we're fine with her knowing. What she doesn't know is our history with her boyfriend.

I'm not too worried about her 'spilling the beans' to any mutual acquaintances. The ones she knows are well aware of our lifestyle. Plus, she lives a distance away from us, and gossip wouldn't be a concern.

I think he wants us to be their experiment couple because he knows he can trust us. We are a no pressure couple who knows how to keep sex and friendship separate. We're easy going and versatile, drug, disease and drama free.

Hell, my husband and I would be my first choice for a couple if I was an outsider too!

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

I don't try to figure out if some people belongs in the Lifestyle or not anymore.

Many years ago when Laura and I had been together for about a year I put on my "STUPID HAT" as she calls it and broke us up because I did not think she would be able to deal with the Lifestyle that I had been in most of my life.

Boy did I get lucky! For some reason she liked me enough to beat on me until I told her why we where breaking up. I thought wrong about her and the Lifestyle. She was interested in checking it out and a couple weeks later she was like an ole timer at it.

Well, many years later we are still a couple and enjoy our Lifestyle together forever.

I think this is the exact situation our friend is in, Lee.

The guys seem to think she'll LOVE it once she tries it and lets her inhibitions go.

I am more cautious than the men.

If she hates it, I don't want to be part of the reason they break up.

[growgirl]

I agree with Mrs. Indy (as usual), you can't second guess your friend's gf.

A club would be a perfect place to start to judge her reactions and comfort level with the lifestyle. It would also give you and her a chance to have more "ladies talk" (that's what the ladies room is for right?) and you could at least get her take on things without her being right in front of your friend. Another idea, you can get her vibe if you and your friend start heating things up on the dance floor.



gg's .02

[Vespertine]

You know, I've been marinating the Club idea.

I think that's the best option for all included. Plus, we haven't been to a club yet, so it will be fun to all be newbies together.

It's a potentially wonderful bonding experience.

[Just_us49]

My .02 cents...

We always operate on the "cold light of day" philosophy, meaning any concerns we had we would address upfront with both of them there...the 4 of you. We spend some time before, just the two of us, discussing exactly how we feel about the situation and then exactly how to best voice our concerns and be as low key as possible so as to try not to upset anybody.
That always helps us to clear out any preconcieved notions on our part or theirs.

No doubt there isn't any way to be certain someone is as ready to swing as they may or may not think they are, but it will help open the door to some honest communication.

When M and I break new ground so to speak in our own swinging experience, we discuss it in the cold light of day and if we are uncomfortable talking about all the details of the experience we figure we'll have some regrets afterwards. Based on that we decide about going forward.

So in this case, if things went right and everybody seemed OK, I'd point blank ask something about how she would feel seeing her boyfriend with you or whatever. Talking pretty explicit about sex with someone's partner (in a respectful way of course) can conjure up emotions and give the person a reality check so to speak. Just my personal opinion but I've never bought into "the let's go to a club or mess around and see what happens and in the heat of the moment who knows..." I always figure the heat wears off and feelings come back about that time...and some of them might not be warm fuzzy feelings . And in this case you guys are close friends...terrible to screw that up.

Now having said all that...I'd probably hang out with them in the vanilla world for awhile before anything else. Good way to observe the relationship and get some better insight into what course of action to take.

-D

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Vespertine

She knows we're swingers, he asked Mr. Vespertine if it was alright to tell her, we're fine with her knowing. What she doesn't know is our history with her boyfriend.

It's good to know that he asked permission to tell his girfriend you are swingers.

I do think, if you decide to play with her, that you she should tell her that you've had an ongoing 3some relationship with her boyfriend. If I were her and found out about your history after the four of you played, it would bother me.

I'd wonder why you all didn't feel you could tell me that up front. And then I'd wonder if there was more you weren't telling me. You know what I mean?

LM

[curiousagain]

True, once she found out, she would always wonder what else she hadn't been told and talk about creating a me against them scenario. Y'all are braver than me for trying this. I just see so many ways this could go so badly since he wasn't up front with her to start. I think he has set himself up for a bad scene at some point. And I still think if he loves swinging more than her and she is only doing this to please him, it's a bomb with a lit fuse. But, I could be wrong. Those girls that act and dress the most prim and proper in public are the ones that leave you quivering in exhaustion in the bedroom oftentimes.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I do think, if you decide to play with her, that you she should tell her that you've had an ongoing 3some relationship with her boyfriend. If I were her and found out about your history after the four of you played, it would bother me.

I know, difficult situation we find ourselves in now.

We didn't tell her because we didn't think it would go over well with her. You have to admit, there are certain types of people who can't handle hearing something like that. We spend a lot of time with our male friend (we've been friends for years), we didn't want her to think we were banging eachother everytime she wasn't around.

We haven't played with him since they've been together.

I think telling her about our past sexcapades would be a good way to judge if she is ready to swing or not. I'll have to toss that one to the guys, and see what they think.

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

But, I could be wrong. Those girls that act and dress the most prim and proper in public are the ones that leave you quivering in exhaustion in the bedroom oftentimes.

I think the guys are banking on that scenario.

We're seeing them tonight, vanilla style.

I'll feel her out a little.