Which came first- the friends or the sex?

[dutch51]

Hi all! We've seen this discussed in other threads, but there were usually other topics going on as well, so we thought we'd throw this out to see what everyone else thinks----

When you began swinging, were you looking for friends first, then sex, or sex first then become friends with the couple? In other words, were you looking for friends you can have sex with or have sex then hopefully become friends? And if you've been swinging a while, are you still looking for the same thing or has that changed?

It seems like figuring that out gives real insight into the couple and knowing whether you're really going to be compatible in the long-term or not.

And since we asked, we'll answer first, lol. We were looking for friends first, then sex. In the eight months or so we've been swinging, we find that still works for us. It might make the search a bit more challenging, but if we find a good couple we click with, it makes us feel a lot better about ourselves, them and the friendship.

Looking forward to hearing others' responses....

[two4youinswva]

When we started, we were also looking for "friends first", then swing. The first couple we met was very experienced. They let us proceed at our own pace, never pushing us. (They're just the greatest!). We became friends with them, and then we moved on to playing together.

I guess that got us cranked up, because the next two couples we met were at our club, and we played the same night. BUT, we went on to become good friends with them too! We have played with another couple that we didn't become good friends with, but we still like them.

Right now we are in communication and have met a newbie couple (for dinner), and have plans to meet really soon. It looks like we have become friends first and will play after.

So I guess we go back and forth now. We love making friends, but it isn't how it has to be for us as much anymore.

BTW, it's so cool (and different) to go from "the new couple", to "the couple with experience".

When we were looking for couples I geuss it would have to be compatability between the four.

Not so much friendship.

As far as single males,

Some have been friends beforehand, some have not.

But as I have stated in another thread that I started, letting singles too close to our personal life has not to work out too well.

They seem to get possessive over Mrs naughty

Friendship from a distance or meeting someone at a club seems to work the best.

[WesternSwing]

We were looking for people like us, that we could have sex with too if everything was good. Since starting swinging we have had sex with friends, we have new friends we may never have sex with, and we’ve had sex with people we may never see again outside a swingers party.

Mr. WS

[good times]

When we first started we were looking for people we got along with for sex. Some of the people we have had sex with have become friends, others have not. We have also met several couples at the clubs that while we don't have sex with them they have become good friends. For us at least, I don't think it is practical to expect that we would become friends with all of our play partners as some people are a lot of fun for play but outside of that we don't have a lot of common interests. In a perfect world we would probably become friends first and then play, but we have come to the conclusion that it is hard enough to find four people that are all compatable sexually the if we insisted they be friends too we would probably never play with anybody. The one thing we have learned since we started swinging is that what makes a couple compatible with us for sex is often totally different than what makes people compatible with us as friends. So I would have to say we haven't changed our approach since we started, we started this to find people we could have sexual fun with, if we engage with them in any activities outside of that it is a bonus but not required or expected.

[LikeMinds321]

We had no idea what we wanted when we started out. We discussed the pros and cons of approaching it both ways. Did we want to jump in bed knowing little about the couple, say goodbye when we were finished, never to see them again? Or did we want to know the people enough--first--to feel we were going to be jumping in bed with new found friends?

As it turned out, we developed a level of friendship before meeting the first couple we played with. After meeting and playing, our friendship has continued to blossom. It has been great.

Still, we are open to playing with couples who we only have enough in common with to swing with. They don't have to be potential longterm playmates and friends for us to consider them a good match.

I guess you could say, we started out flexible and still are.

LM

[xxoticangel]

Our first playmates were good friends for years before we had sex. It just sort of happened one weekend with no prior planning or talk about swinging. We continued to be friends with them for several more years sometimes playing sometimes not. After the first time, when we decided to enter the swinging world, we decided that swinging was about finding other people that we enjoyed having sex with. After the sex if we hit it off and had other interest in common that would be a bonus. There have been a couple of times that we became close enough to a couple to consider them friends most of our playmates have been just good sex partners with little interaction outside the bedroom. It works for us. With 4 kids we don't have a lot of time to invest in creating friendships that may one day lead to sex.

[intuition897]

We never really made up our minds wether or not we wanted to pursue long-term friendships, but we agreed that we both had to genuinely like the other couple as people. We wouldn't feel attracted to them sexually otherwise. For us, interesting conversation is a significant precursor to other interesting activities facelick.

So which came first? I think for us friends and sex are two separate things running in parallel. Everybody's there for the sex, and if everyone wants to make a 'vanilla' date to just hang out sometime after the fact, that would be really cool too!

[alexilahio]

This is an interesting topic!! As far as we are concerned (we are what we can call newbies i guess) we always needed some friendship in the relationship. We have difficulties to figure out a date where we would play straight away . We are the slow kind anyway and we need a lot of talk! The problem is that (well is that a problem) we've met people we never played with just because we talked too much lol ... I mean we feel like we are too close to go into swinging!!
Another thing we really find difficult to cope with is that when you've been talking for a while about various subjects, it's really difficult to get started!
We are a bit...shy and the transition is difficult for us

However, when it works, I mean when the feeling is there, we experience great games and we think it's the best way not to feel jealous

[N&G]

We got into the lifestyle to have casual sex, not to be everyone's best friend. We have made many friendships over the years but we played with them first. I suppose some people might consider us to be toward the hardcore side of swinging but I can't see spending a lot of time trying to be someone's friend so I can have sex with them. We can go to a party and have sex with two or three people, some of whom we never met before. There are a limited number of weekends in the month so we do what works for us.

Greg

[JustAskJulie]

When we (myself and my ex) first started swinging we were just looking for sex, but we quickly (too quickly) found out that jumping into bed with near perfect strangers without really developing some sort of connection isn't a good thing.

Not to say that we didn't on occasion play with people we had just met - what can I say, sometimes you can just form instant friendships.

[northindycpl]

Friends then sex. Always

[Kari&theWuff]

W and I are looking for friends with benefits. We were turned onto swinging by a couple that we're good friends with. We haven't swung with them yet but we're all interested and just taking it slow. These are people we really click with and have a great deal in common with, not to mention just plain being comfortable with them. That's important to us.

Kari