Clicking versus real friendship

[RippleCpl]

I wonder if the Mrs. and I have a screwy outlook on this whole swinging thing. We are looking for friends in and out of the bedroom. Is this a classic newbie mistake? I realize that most people need to click with someone in order to get intimate, but I think we are looking for more than just clicking (and I don't think I'm talking polyamory).


I imagine that everyone here has friendships that vary in their level of closeness. Some people you would feel comfortable eating dinner with, but you would never ask them to pick you up at the airport at 2 am. Other people would do anything for you ("lean on me, when you're not strong...etc.") Is it possible or even desirable to develop friendships like that through swinging? Does this kind of talk scare people away?

[fun_pairTX]

Yes that total type of friendship can develop, but like in the vanilla world, it only happens when you aren't looking for it and in the unlikliest of places. We like to know people that we play with too, but not to the extent I know their Aunt Fanny's bra size. If we click in a meeting or two we usually wind up playing, and things develop from there. If we don't play the 2nd time we meet, then chances are we never will. Its just the way things work out for us.

[looking2swing]

We are also new to the lifestyle and were thinking the same thing. We do have one couple that is also fairly new and we kinda have that newbie bond. It is nice to be able to have a couple that you can talk to about certain issues that you can't share with others.

[244somes]

Great Subject

We have been in the lifestyle for about 20 years and we have very fond memories of another couple with whom we shared for about 4 -5 years. The friendship and companionship made the sex so much better.

Mr244somes is more inclined to this deeper and longer relationship than moi however there is something very special about sharing on such a level as when swinging.

If it happens then relax and enjoy

Jen

[couplefromma]

We have been in the lifestyle for over 4 years now and the couples we have been with are friends in and out of the bedroom. With some of them the sex stopped after a year or two and we remain close friends.

Each of us brings to this lifestyle what we want to get out of it. If you are looking for friends to be both initimate and to do things with then that is great and its your interpretation of the lifestyle. Finding the right couple can be difficult though but when it clicks right its a wonderful ride.

[good times]

We have devloped friendships with some of our swinging partners, but that usually comes later. If we had to be friends before we had sex with somebody I don't think we would have ever had sex with anybody. We don't have to be close friends with someone to have sex but if friendship does develope it just makes it better. We to have had some sex partners that after we became friends the sex stopped but that hasn't happened every time. Good friendships are so rare in all walks of life that I don't think it would be realistic for us to think that we would become good friends with all of our playmates though.

[Pepper & Drew]

I don't think seeking friendships is a naive, newbie thing. We've been in the lifestyle for about 18 months and we've developed friendships with every couple we've been with. And, by friends I mean we IM or email about once a week, we called to check on them this fall with the multiple hurricanes, some we visit since they don't live close by. They are all people we'd hang out with anyway--funny, witty, intelligent folks who are in the same place in life that we are. And, some of them we would ask to pick us up at the airport at midnight--cuz we have. We weren't particularly looking to find these relationships, but since we've found them, we're cultivating them. No, we don't mean in a polyamorus way either, but good friends are hard to find and we're lucky to have done so.

Pepper

[RippleCpl]

Originally Posted by good times

Good friendships are so rare in all walks of life that I don't think it would be realistic for us to think that we would become good friends with all of our playmates though.

You are right good times. I really miss the kind of close friendships I had in college. Since then, they have become almost non-existent. I wonder if it has anything to do with age?

And by the way, after I posted this, I talked to the Mrs. about it. She said basically the same thing you have, that we would be waiting a long time if we only wanted to swing with close friends.

[EvilMJ]

My hubby and I swing with my best friend and her husband. We have managed to make it work with the firm understanding that friendship comes first and if the swinging ever threatens that it just stops, no explainations needed.

We do lots of vanilla stuff together and have remain very good friends. I think this stems from the fact that my friend and I have been participating in 'swingerish' long before we ever heard the term swinger. so we were comfortable with each other and didn't have the issues that some people do.

[northindycpl]

Originally Posted by RippleCpl

You are right good times. I really miss the kind of close friendships I had in college. Since then, they have become almost non-existent. I wonder if it has anything to do with age?

And by the way, after I posted this, I talked to the Mrs. about it. She said basically the same thing you have, that we would be waiting a long time if we only wanted to swing with close friends.

I think that just in vanilla life, making and keeping friendships is so difficult. Our lives are so busy, often we don't have time to ourselves, let alone feel like making time to forge friendships with others.

For us specifically it depends. We are open to making friends everywhere, anytime. But we also seek out (and have) a few 'close' friends to swing with. The kind of friends you invite over to a BBQ or on vacation. It has taken us a while to find them, a long time to get to know them, and it is work to keep it going. To us it is worth it. But it is just like when Mr and I were dating. It took him 26 years to find me, 2 years to 'court me' and 10 years to swing with me! Now, I do not expect the same bond with another couple as I have with him, but in perspective, there isn't a lot of difference.

Finding other couples to have a good time with, on your schedule, when you want to, is much easier!

Mrs. Indy < Only minutes from the Ripple>

[CB_n_Red]

For us "clicking" with another couple is as much about sexual attraction and compatibility as friendship. We won't play with people we don't like but not every couple we play with turns into great friends. If they do then it's a bonus. We've both got smiles on our faces today, not just because of a great playtime last night, but also because we feel the other couple will turn into great friends. Doing things that way around works for us anyway.

Feeling warm and fuzzy....

Hmmmm. Maybe we'd better change the sig line....

CB

CB

[talltxlady]

We are still totally new to the lifestyle. We've met really great friends, people to just hang out with and enjoy, and those we seriously want to play with. Last weekend we had our first experience, and it was FANTASTIC!

We had gone to a club with a couple that we count as friends (our first time to a club), and after having a wonderful time closing down the club, they invited us to their room for a drink.
Another couple that were friends of theirs ended up coming over too. Things started slow and my hubby and I just went with the flow. Before we knew it, clothes were coming off, and we found that the bed really would hold 6 without breaking
The wife of the original couple is now probably the best friend I've ever had, the guys are good buds, and we wouldn't mind playing with the other couple again either. So it is definitely possible to find both in this lifestyle.

[JustAskJulie]

It seems that there is and always has been two camps of swingers, and a few that work with both camps....

those who believe in friendships and those who are just out to get laid (and like I said a few people who overlap both).

Yes it is possible to develop real friendships with those you swing with, but it is difficult. I think the key (and the hard part) is making sure that you develop the friendship first.

Think of it like dating. When you gave it up on the first (or even the second date) the relationships tended to be much more about sex... but when you held out for a while and really got to know each other you ended up with a much deeper relationship. Of course there are exceptions to everything.

[NotsoNew]

While we would like to have a friendship first, this is not what drives us. But we are not into one night stands.

We have been lucky enough to develop some great friendships in the lifestyle. While some folks will disagree, we like to have some sort of connection before we play...not often do we play at the first meeting.

But for long term friendships, these tend to happen when you are not looking for it. But I love the friendships that we have developed from the lifestyle. They truely are on a different level - where else can you talk about your fantasies and have them fulfilled? Best of both worlds.