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Thread: Do we get involved with friends or strangers?

  1. #1

    Default Do we get involved with friends or strangers?

    Well, like the title says, we're the definition of newbies. We've been married just over six years, and I've never been with another man in my life. When I was 18 I did have a FFM threesome with my husband (bf at the time) and enjoyed it a great deal. After discussing the idea of being with other couples, we agreed to do our research, and really take our time with the decision since jumping too fast could be a bad decision.

    After doing some digging, being in our mid twenties, it appears that we're younger than most swinging couples, which can be intimidating because ideally, the other couple would be close in age. At first I figured it would be a pretty straightforward conversation, but once I registered here I realized how many different situations there are.

    The more reading I do, the more I realize that there are a million ways to enter the lifestyle. I am pretty sure that soft swinging would be easy for me to handle since I am not shy about being seen nude (been to nude beaches abroad and done some artsy nude modeling in the past), so starting off there seems like a good choice, and since it was something we hadn't really thought of it could be a good ice breaker that brings us a sense of arousal without plunging all the way. That said, we're eying a full swap at some point, but probably only with other married couples because it feels the most natural and least likely to cause problems on either end knowing our would be partners are in the same boat as us.

    The biggest question that I keep searching for an answer to is do we try to get involved with people we already know and interact with, or attend a club/party and mingle with strangers? At first I thought for sure it would have to be people we're familiar with, but now I'm seeing the other side of the coin as well. It could complicate friendships, and people outside our circle could be more discreet which is very important to us. We're not looking for a ton of partners, just one couple, maybe two that we can swap with once in a while. Down the line it may evolve, but right now we're not looking to dive in and get involved with too many people, which is why familiarity might be best for us. To add another layer to it, we're an interracial couple (I am mixed race, white, black and Spanish... only missing Asian to be a little bit of everything lol) and feel like it could pose a problem in some places which makes me nervous about parties.

    There weren't too many questions in there, but just getting it off my chest felt pretty good lol The summary is basically, I'm only experienced with my husband, but I fantasize about the normal stuff, a MMF threesome with myself as the female, dp, watching my husband with another woman again, etc., but I haven't seen too many under 30 couples in my area. I'm also leaning towards wanting to break the ice with a newbie just to help with jitters, but we also see the benefits to someone experienced. Our sex life is great, but the thought of expanding intrigues us, at least in theory, so I'm hoping to learn some things here, and maybe even meet some friendly people. Thanks for reading!
    Last edited by Alicia84; 11-02-2010 at 09:18 PM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Another newbie

    First thing,, welcome to the board.. I think you will get all the info your looking for here.. the people here are great and will answer any questions you have..

    If it was not for the 3some and the nude modelling, I would have thought this post was coming from my girlfriend

    now for my 2 cents.. I feel you two are going about this the right way. I hope you both are looking and reading the posts.. was you will see and find out, there is no one way to start in the lifestyle.. that all comes from you and what you want/ need for time.. take things as slow as you need. and take your time and just enjoy all your new adventures..
    Here to day, gone tomorrow

  3. #3

    Default Re: Another newbie

    Like you said, there are a million ways to go about it.

    One thing (that you noticed already) which will limit your choices quite a bit is the age guideline. Are you only willing to play with other couples within a few years of your ages? Or how broad is that guideline?

    There are others under 30 around, it's a small crowd for sure though.

    Back to the people you know, are these people who are open to swinging or just vanillas that you are friends with?

    Personally I think it's easier to find some new people to adventure into swinging with, that might be tainted a bit by the fact that we don't have any vanilla friends who would be suitable though.
    Maybe if your current friends had an open mind and you had already discussed topics such as this with them, I would have to say that would be rare though.

    I wouldnt worry about the racial thing, yeah you might come across someone with an issue, but it's about as likely as coming across people with any number of other issues.

    As for meeting others in your situation, check out some sites and maybe go to a larger "public" type of party. Figure out which sites are the largest in your area and sign up on those, and run some searches and read lots of profiles.

    Above all, enjoy yourselves and talk a lot with each other.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Another newbie

    Based on your post, it appears that you, as a noob, are already way ahead of most new folks in what you've learned and have become aware of in regards to swinging. Kudos to your perception and research.

    Quote Originally Posted by Alicia84 View Post
    After doing some digging, being in our mid twenties, it appears that we're younger than most swinging couples, which can be intimidating because ideally, the other couple would be close in age.
    It is true that generally speaking, active couples tend to be in their 30's and 40's. We have noticed, and it has been mentioned on the board, that there are more and more younger couples expressing an interest in swinging these days. I've noticed that a large portion of the new members on S.L.S. in our area are in their 20's. This is a good sign for you. I'm guessing that, since you're in the Southern California area, with a little time and effort, you should be able to find some compatible couples in your age range. Large population=Greater opportunities.

    You'll get a lot of different opinions on whether to start with vanilla friends or new swinger friends. We like making friends out of swingers, but don't deny that there have been many couples that successfully played with vanilla friends.
    Same with whether to start with a couple new to swinging or an experienced one. I wouldn't over think this one. Find a couple you are a good match with. When that happens, you won't be as concerned with whether they have experience or not.

    Thanks for posting!
    It's so cold outside that I feel like I had my circumcision reversed.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Another newbie

    Welcome! It is wonderful for me to read a post being written by a female in her 20s, as I am!


    My perspective is like yours and unlike most of the others here in that I haven't, and do not wish to, go for all out swinging. There is just four of us in a poly relationship. Quite frankly, I find going between two men and some occasional girl play to be enough diversity and availabilty that I am well satisfied. Perhaps I will change, but I need a relationship to enjoy the sex that follows. My husband does not constrain me, but I am picky and have only been with one other man besides the two now, so I understand something on how you view this.

    There are advantages and disadvantages in each of the choices you can make. Having sex with friends may indeed complicate the relationship, but it is much more comfortable (and for me fulfilling) to have sex with someone I know. While strangers may seem to be safer so as not to be found out, friends can certainly share your desire for discretion. Another choice with advantages and disadvantages is whether to seek out a couple or individuals to play with. It may not be as easy to find another couple where you and your husband both equally like the other potential play partner. And usually there are rules that need to apply equally. Looking for individual play partners allows for each of you to find the best match. And you guys can get started with one before you have found the other potential play partner(s). Another question is whether one or both of you will play alone. We were that way from the beginning and it has worked out well for us. The main advantage is a practical one - there aren't as many schedules to coordinate. Another reason is if one of the play partners doesn't want the spouse to join in or participate, at least in the beginning. (In our case it was always the other girl; hubby's play partners usually were squeemish about me watching, let alone participating. That's why our current gf is a keeper, no such inhibitions.) Most here, however, strongly advise against it, especially the combination of friends and playing alone because feelings may develop. Feelings for us have developed for our play partners, but it is a feeling of caring, more than we had before, but nothing that makes us feel threatened.


    Some will point out that finding a sex partner for a woman is much easier than finding one for a man. That is true for just sex and nothing else, but if you teo are looking for a man that you will be excited about and your husband will be glad for you to enjoy, it will probably take just about as much time as finding him a sex partner. While I have always had my bf from before my marriage as my partner, hubby for a while was more in the swinging situation. But it was a thing where I found the girls for him. I recruited from my unmarried friends and acquaintances, where girl talk about sex SLOWLY led to talk about hubby, and if she showed interest in him I would suggest that it could be arranged. I was patient and never pushy, but ultimately over several years found five women that serially became long-term regular sex partners with him. We remain friends with all of them and their current bf's or husband.


    Good luck. Think it through and go comfortably, but definitely go, you will find both sides of the experience well worth it.
    Last edited by couplers; 11-03-2010 at 01:17 PM.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Another newbie

    I understand the natural conclusion that your swing partners be near your own age. Lots of reasons for this among them when you were dating you probably were attracted to guys your own age and your vanilla friends are probably your age and have similar family situations. Most of us make our friends from school, work, or our kids activities. But,swinging presents an opportunity to meet people of all ages. Certainly there needs to be a physical chemistry and we would be uncomfortable playing with a couple who was our parent's age, but that leaves a lot of couples. The thing about swinging is that you can learn a lot from your partners. Sometimes experience more than makes up for their being a little older. As for the question about swinging with vanilla friends or strangers as has been suggested it depends on your vanilla friends. For us strangers was the way to go. First, it could not ruin a good friendship and second, it offered more discretion. LA is a big area. If the people you play with do not know your real names and where you live than there is almost no chance of anyone you do not want to know to learn of your swinging. We have become friends with our swing partners rather than swinging with our friends. For us this has worked well. As an example most of our partners and lifestyle friends came from our profile on Swing Life Style. A couple who put on regular house parties saw our profile and invited us. At those parties we met people who we then became friends with. They now know who we are and where we live and we do vanilla things with them as well as lifestyle things. Hope this helps answer some of your questions.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Another newbie

    Thanks for the replies everyone. We really appreciate it. We're not locked in to "only 20 somethings", but I personally don't want to go too far out of my age range. I'd say somewhere in the early 30's (say, 33 just to pull a number out of thing air for reference) would be fine with both of us. I wouldn't rule anyone out based on age, but I think the 20 something to early 30's would be my preferred man if/when we go hard. After reading a bit more, I guess my next question is in general, are parties open to couples like us, who just want to have sex in front of people the first time, or would that be considered a faux pas? From what I've read, some parties label themselves as hard swinging, where intercourse with others is aexpected, but other than those types (which we would avoid at first anyways), how common is it for couples to just go there to be watched by others? I can really get behind the idea of other couples/men watching me, and we talked last night and agreed it would be a lot of fun, but don't want to be out of place or have any misunderstandings with anyone when we don't want to have sex with anyone else. I'm fine with other people having sex in the same room, I just think starting off with 'soft swinging' would be a perfect ice breaker, and give us both a good idea about whether or not the next step is right for us.

    Edit- I should add that we did an "interview" with a club in L.A.. They were incredibly friendly and welcoming, inviting us to come to an event on this coming Saturday night. It's a lingerie party, which I have been to before (although not at a swingers club) so we're leaning towards going since it seems so laid back. If we go, is it going to be odd if we don't do anything, even with each other? I'd love to dive right in, but I'm half expecting to just go mingle, and not even observe other couples, instead just using it to get acclimated. Of course, if things went right, we would go with the mood, but, it seems very laid back, with a dance floor and a nightclub style atmosphere, leading us to believe it would be fine. I forgot to even mention it on the phone since my adrenaline was pumping just from the interview, and they said it was very non committal, and there were no obligations, but I want to make sure it will be considered normal and we won't be an outlier lol
    Last edited by Alicia84; 11-03-2010 at 08:10 PM.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Another newbie

    Will it be rude to go to a house party and soft swing. The answer depends on the party. As you noted some parties make clear that they expect everyone to full swap. In that case yes it would be rude. It I were you before I went to a house party I would ask the host. Just tell him/her that you soft swap only and ask if that is OK at their party. Even if they say yes you will probably have to say no to some offers and state you soft swap only.

    What about a club. Usually clubs are much less intense. For one there will be a bigger crowd so no one will really know what you do or don't do. Again you may be hit on and you just have to tell them your boundaries. At every club we have been to, and this includes LA, no means no. If after you say no, someone persists just talk to one of the club employees they will handle the problem. If I were you I would go to the party and have fun. I consistently advise people who are new to set their boundaries ahead of time and agree to not pressure for a change at the party. The party atmosphere can get very hot and one of you may be tempted to ask to change your limits. Usually this is not the time. After the party when you discuss it is the best time to change the limits. The other thing I advise is to go with no expectations and to agree to give it at least three times before you decide this is not for me. It is not unusual for folks to be overwhelmed their first visit and it takes a couple of times to really evaluate how they feel. On the other hand you may have a wonderful hot time and know it is right for you.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Another newbie

    Thanks for the reply JM. We're locked into going now, and we've set our own limits. No swapping will be happening, but if the mood is right and we hit it off, some light touching is as far as we'll go. We're planning on just enjoying the club, dancing, and having sex with each other. I'm nervous in a good way, so this should be a fun night. Thanks again, I'll report back after!

  10. #10

    Default Re: Another newbie

    Hi Alicia84:

    I hope things went well for you! It sounds like you're in a similar situation to Mrs & I. We're both in our 20's and just starting out. However, we're in a MUCH smaller place than LA. There is a regular meet/greet/dance at a hotel about 2 hours away, but that's it. We've been trying to meet other couples online. Have you considered signing up with a site?

    Best of luck,

    ~Mr.Geekchic

  11. #11

    Default Re: Another newbie

    I'd say if you feel like you might be comfortable checking out a club, then go for it. You already know that playing with friends (or attempting to) can complicate if not destroy friendships.
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

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