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Thread: Advice needed please on first time experience

  1. #1

    Default Advice needed please on first time experience

    My wife and I love each very much. We've been married for 15 years and have the most incredible sex together. We adore being together and have a wonderful level of communication and care for each other.

    We'd been speaking about swinging for some time. It was originally my idea, but we talked about it, and she said she wanted to give it a go.

    So last August, we took the plunge. We went to a swingers club, and within 15 minutes started having sex with each other in the orgy room. It was great. Soon other people joined us, and we were having a good time. Then a couple joined us. The guy started stroking my wife, and she looked at me, and I said fine. The guy's wife started kissing me. It was all going great, although I did feel that the guy was more attracted to my wife than the woman was attracted to me.

    Then anxiety performance set up. My erection disappeared. I told my wife, and we got dressed and went for a drink. The other couple joined us and we started chatting. I said should we try again, because I really wanted to try a full swap. So we went to another room, and swapped.

    All was going fine again, until I went inside the other woman and lost my erection again. Then I heard and saw the other guy taking my wife from behind. I went down on the woman and gave her an orgasm, but things were not going great for me. I felt lost and confused. My wife seemed to be really enjoying herself, but then she saw I wasn't going too well, so came back to me.

    We got dressed again. The club was closing. My wife gave the other guy a big hug, which gave me a small pang of jealousy. We talked a lot that night. She was feeling frustrated because she hadn't had an orgasm. I was feeling ok, until two days later.

    I woke up and suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of being very upset. Fortunately, we were on holiday together for a week, so we spent all of it talking. We talked, and talked and talked. We also had lots of amazing sex together.

    I felt very upset for three weeks afterwards. I didn't feel any resentment or anger towards my wife. In fact, I loved her even more than before. But the image of her being taken from behind by the other guy was stuck in my mind. I felt we'd gone way too far, way too fast. Everything else about the evening: having sex in front of others, kissing the others, soft play, felt natural and fun, but the full swap and the loss of erection felt traumatic.

    Anyway, I got over it in the end and our relationship has become much stronger. We love each other more than ever. She's the most wonderful person in the world. We went back to swingers clubs three times since then and had lots of sex together including some soft play, but no full swaps.

    However, every few months, the feelings of being upset come back (such as now). I feel fine, then all of a sudden, the thoughts of that evening come back and I feel rotten and regretful. I feel that I went too far, that I stupidly ignored all the warning signs, that I let myself and my wife down by not knowing myself well enough. I feel that I broke every rule in the swinging book, and that had we gone slowly and carefully, things could have been much better. I feel very disappointed with myself.

    I also wonder whether swinging is for me? I'd love to become a care-free, enthusiastic, active swinger and believe my wife would benefit from this immensely as she's a very sexual person. But should I just forget it all?

    Has anybody else experienced similar situations? How have you reacted? What have you done to make things better? I didn't think I was the jealous type, but maybe I am? Or maybe our first experience was just too fast?

  2. #2

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    There's a lot of possibilities here. I think you're on the right path, wherever it leads. Lots of communicating with your wife, and not pushing it for now are both excellent ideas. There are many swingers in the lifestyle who never full swap. There's no reason to feel that you have to full swap.

    The experiences you keep having sound like a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder. That doesn't mean you're broken. Identifying it, and working through it perhaps with some professional counseling may help.

    To say this is jealousy is probably not the right way to describe it. Regardless of whether you are 100% in favor or 100% opposed, watching another man have sex with your wife is a moment of serious, overt input to your brain. You weren't ready for this, and it was too much for you at that moment in time.

    I would definitely, emphatically resolve this before ever full swapping again. And, it's ok if you don't full swap. Do what you are comfortable with.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    I had similar feelings for a while after our first full swap. We did it horribly.

    Separate rooms, I was so worked up I rushed my end, etc etc. I was very jealous and upset about the whole thing for weeks after.

    Then it passed and I felt like I was 'cured' of not only this jealousy but all jealousy over sexual things. It was a great feeling which hasn't left me even though its 10 years later.

    Knowing your love and your marriage is NOT based on sex is really a wonderful thing. So I can't tell you what can help you personally, I can't tell you if for you it will pass, but if it does its worth it.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    I'm SO glad you posted this. It sounds very, very similar to what my husband has experienced. I don't know if I have any advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

    We've never full swapped, and what you are describing is one of the reasons that I think we never should. We've had some really hot, fun soft swinging experiences and when it is good it is GOOD. But there have been a couple of times when my husband is left with this really deep feeling of what I can only describe as sadness after. Then he'll be fine for a while, but then for no reason, days or weeks later the sadness will hit him again (or like you said, these feelings of being upset).

    In both cases it was in response to something really mild...some hip grinding once and then kissing the next time. In both cases, when he tries to explain to me what is going on he describes the "passionate look" in my face--it isn't the actual act that bothers him. It is the look that was on my face in those moments that keeps coming back to him. We have nearly 30 years of history together, were teens together, married young...I think (I'm not really sure and neither is he) that the sadness comes from the fact that there was this part of me that only he knew until recently that others now know and he can't get back. I know he too looks around and wishes he could be carefree and enthusiastic like some of our swinger friends. But that just isn't him and part of what I love about him is that sentimental side, so I can hardly complain.

    Because of this we've wondered if swinging is really for us. We still don't really know...but there is obviously something about it that is working for us because we keep going to the clubs and it has definitely spiced up our sex life.

    The answer for us sounds pretty much like what you've been doing already...we've taken a couple steps backwards and are just proceeding forward again slowly, a baby step at a time.

    If you aren't comfortable full swapping, don't full swap! Believe me, no matter how much you think your wife would "benefit" from it, I bet she feels the same way I do...I would NEVER want to do anything to hurt my husband. He and our relationship are far more important to me than any swinging experience! I happily proceed at his pace. I'm sure she does too.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    Deffinately moved way too fast and didnt communicate enough beforehand. I dont even count my one and only full swap because it was more of a full rape orchastrated by my ex. (just one of the many reasons we arent together anymore). I agree that a sex therapist can be a great help, and your wife could get advice on helping you cope as well. Im sure she may have feelings of guilt and become frustrated not knowing what she can do for you. But look at the bright side, you are both still together and in love. An experience like this can easily destroy a marriage if not addressed with proper care and understanding. I have all the faith in the world the two of you are going to work through this, concidering that fact and the fact that you are here asking for advise in the first place. Blessings to you.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    We had a rocky start, too. Since we started our journey in this lifestyle, the most important thing Natasha and I ever did was give ourselves permission to forgive ourselves and each other for the inevitable mistakes that will be made. It has been smooth sailing since then, and I don't just mean in the lifestyle.

    Boris
    Sex is like air. It's really not that important unless you aren't getting any.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    Watching first hand your wife not just have fun, but really get off sexually with another man she barely knows is a moment of truth for your self esteem. Never before have you faced this. It doesn't matter how much you imagined or fantasized about it, that moment is when you find out whether you are the only man who can sexually arouse her or not.

    Intellectually it's easy to wrap your head around "of course another man could sexually arouse her." Yet thats nothing like actually seeing it in front of your face, hearing it, knowing it. Yes she is a sexual creature, but up until that moment she's only been sexual for you.

    You can and will get over that. But it may take some time and you may go through repeats of that feeling. What is important, as others have pointed out, that sexual arousal is not love, is not relationship, is not marriage. It does have a lot to do with self esteem the first time you're faced with it.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    I would be willing to bet money that what is bothering you isn't the fact that your wife was enjoying sex with someone else, nor the image of that happening. I bet it is that she was enjoying sex with another man while you were having difficulty getting and keeping an erection. It is a very primal thing to feel like a man who can sexually satisfy a woman. So to have an issue while your wife is enjoying sex at the same time could be a difficult thing to get over.

    I'm no therapist though; this is definitely something that would be good to talk to someone about.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    Your love for your wife is palpable. Her actions suggests she feels the same way about you. That's the most special thing in your lives. Treasure it.

    The key question is whether swinging is going to enhance your relationship or erode it.

    As other posters have pointed out, being confronted by another man having sex with your wife creates dissonance. On the one hand, you are swinging for the best reason, because her pleasure and excitement is so important to you. That is an expression of love. In contrast, another man (or woman) is giving her that pleasure. That is perceived--on some level-- as a threat to your love.

    Resolution of the conflict depends on whether you can separate the pleasures of sex from the pleasures of love--and even if you can, whether you want to.

    The depth of your love makes it possible to ask the question. The depth of your love makes it difficult to answer.

  10. #10

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    Tom - I recognize many things in your story. If you look at my past posts you'll see several dealing with the difficulty I had after our first (and second...and third) encounters with another couple. We had previously only engaged in MFM threesomes which is what my husband likes best. We decided to try full swap with a couple and to make a long, long story short (you can read all about it in my other posts) I had a completely unexpected and unwanted reaction to my hubby being with another woman. I wanted to be ok with it...thought I would be ok with it...but was definitely not ok with it. It was a very visceral, hormonal kind of reaction that I had no control over no matter how much I told myself that it was all fine. We ended that relationship last month and I still wake up in the night seeing images in my head of them being together.

    I hope that you are able to get past this if full swap swinging is what you want. For us we just had to accept that we are not built for it. Maybe that will change in the future, but I kind of doubt it.

    Good luck!

  11. #11

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all your advice. It's really helped. I've arranged to see a counsellor on Friday. I've suffered from anxiety issues in the past about completely different things, and this feels very similar. I've been waking up this week with a sense of oppression and intrusive, unpleasant thoughts about that night in the club. I definitely agree that I went way too far, way too fast.

    It's reassuring to see that I'm not the only one out there experiencing this kind of reaction. SheerBliss, I've read your postings and could definitely relate to them.

    Slevin's comment above definitely rings true: the combination of seeing her enjoying herself while I was having such a confusing time made a very negative mix. It's possible that had I been able to perform, I'd be looking back on the whole thing with a very different view.

    Please keep up the comments and advice. I'm very grateful for your support.

  12. #12

    Default Re: Advice needed please on first time experience

    Mrs and I have been to club twice. I've yet to manage an erection, though I did manage to orgasm once. I understand the frustration of watching your wife get pleasured without being able to get there yourself.

    Performance anxiety/stage fright is very, very common. You think that being in a room full of women ready to take you on would be exactly what you dream of. But somehow it all falls apart. In the two intimate swaps we've done there hasn't been a problem. But we also played the arousal game for a while ahead of time. It makes a huge difference for me. Separate rooms might also be an option you want to consider. As much as you think watching your wife would be exciting, it may prove to be an distraction... especially if you're having issues with the hydraulic system.

    Hopefully the two of you can work through this. We're all hoping for the best.
    You say "oral fixation" like it's a bad thing!

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