Had 1st time, a small problem.

[Jeffislearning]

My wife of 2 yrs (together 7) were recently invited by a couple who are good friends to share their bed after a night of heavy drinking. We hadn't considered swinging or even talked about it before.

Anyway, a full swap never took place, but my wife became so into it (including F/F action which she always told me was disgusting) that I have mixed feelings between eroticism and jealousy of the other man - mainly that he can service her better than me. I've read the other posts on this topic, but I could use a little personal advice. We have a very strong relationship, and we had good communication afterwards (including some great love-making! - she's back to our "first date" horniness 7 yrs ago).

I also am not super-attracted to the other woman, and didn't do much with her, but I would like to try again, this time without so much alcohol. I feel that I was a little bit left out, as the other three saw much more action than I did.

Am I jealous? Do I need to communicate more? Should I be more assertive, as the other man was? My feelings are mixed. My wife wants to do this again, also more sober as the F/F thing was apparently her favorite part (as well as mine). I'm a little apprehensive about what feelings will crop up the next time, but I'm willing and I want to see my wife fulfill her fantasies.

Sorry for posting so long, but is there any advice?

Thanks!

[Alura]

We'd suggest y'all slow way down and learn more about the lifestyle rather than just charge forward and hope for the best.

Y'all seem to be communicating well so that doesn't seem to be a problem. Go to the New Swingers forum in the archives and read and discuss. You seem to have run into many aspects of swinging you haven't thought about which y'all need to talk about so y'all are sure of each other's feelings.

Of course, swinging is new and exciting to both of you at this point so "slow down" is probably not the advice y'all are looking for. It won't take long to learn what the two of you need to know.

Make sure both understand and agree on the difference between "recreational sex" and "making love."

Good luck! I hope the lifestyle fits y'all well!

Mr. Alura

[Jeffislearning]

Thank you for posting back so quickly. Yes, I guess slowing down would be a good idea. It's wierd how so many feelings cropped up in me in so short a time with no preperation, yet my previously "reserved" (so I thought) wife took to it so readily. She seems to be a natural to the lifestyle, from what I've read here - seems to fit the mentality.

I want to discuss these things with the other couple, again good friends, and we'll see them again in March at least if not sooner.

I suppose I'll stick to discussing these things with my wife, and maybe make some ground rules that we can both be comfortable with next time. (at least for the time being!)

Thanks again, and is there any other input?

[biblonde]

Well may i suggest no drinks the next time...or at least stay sobber. The first time this happens you will get some feelings you arent sure about especially if you never even talked about it before. It is normal....but make sure you talk them through and be open and honest about how you were both feeling. As for her always saying the f/f was gross then getting into it...i said that for 21 years to my hubby before confessing that i had always fantasized about it. She may have had mixed feelings on the subject before but felt safe to explore once in the heat of the moment. It is hard at first to admit fantasies such as that if you arent exactly sure how the hubby will take them.
I agree with the slowing down some...have lots of open and honest talks to make sure this wasnt just a heat of the moment thing for you both. Read lots of posts from this forum it has so much info to offer!!

best of luck to you both s

[Jeffislearning]

Thank you Alura and Biblond both!

I talked to my wife a little bit more this evening, and I appreciate your posts, you've both been a big help.

I told her about this website tonight, and she is interested in reading some of the posts. I think this will further both of our sex lives....

Thanks again!!!!!!!!!

[biblonde]

My best advise to both of you is to talk talk talk. This lifestyle is for some but not for others. I know for us it is great even with some not so good experiances. This all started for us with a game of "what is your fantasy" which made us both feel like we could say what we really wished for without the other getting upset,,,I then suggested we look into it. We are now comfy enough with talking openly about our fantasies and it has brought us closer. We love living them out but it does bring up different feelings, some of jelousy at first. But for the most part it is a major turn on. we both know that we arent going to leave each other for a playmate and that this is only "sex". As my hubby says sex is a sport...make it a team one. Make sure before you venture more into the lifestyle that you set some ground rules for each other and stick to them...yes they change as time goes on and you are more comfy but never change them unless you have talked about it first. And never agree with something because it is something you think the other wants..that never works and feelings get hurt. It took us time before we were both comfy with everything...it takes a lot of trust from both of you. Make sure you both get what you want out of this without hurting each other because first and formost your marrage comes first!!!

I wish you the best and suggest you read as much on this board as you can and ask what ever you wish.. the people here will give you every angle of every question you ask !!

good luck!!

[hotcpl4unfla]

No one ever said that when you "swing", you have to always swap with the other person's S/O. Swinging has different definitions for everyone. My wife and I discussed this before we started getting into it, and realized neither of us would be mentally prepared to watch the other have sex with another person. My wife is like yours, in the sense she loves the F/F action, and it is an immense turn-on for me to watch her get off in this manner. So anytime we "hook up", we make sure the other couple has the same objective as us. Surprisingly, many do! We have discovered many women in relationships are bi-curious, and the men are voyeuristically inclined to enjoy this view. We also love same room sex with other couples; we find it very erotic. There is no swapping in our experiences, and we are very happy with the way things are. The main thing is, have a fun time, and don't let any posts or other people tell you what a true swinger is. "Sexually liberated" may be a more appropriate title for us, I guess. Don't feel pressured to perform a full swap because "that is what all the swingers are doing". If you're both having fun, and your sex life is better as a result of it, then keep it up. But if you feel uneasy about certain things, don't force yourself to tackle them just to live up to someone else's definitions.

[JustAskJulie]

My concern is that you said you weren't really attracted to the female but willing to try again anyway. I feel like if you do this and things don't go well (or go along the same lines as last time) that you will resent your wife because you were with someone you weren't really attracted to while she had a good time.

Perhaps this couple should be kept at friends status while you continue to learn more about the lifestyle and about what you are both comfortable with within it. And then maybe look for another couple that you are BOTH attracted to down the road.