A cautionary tale... Our First Experience - Page 2

IndyDuet · 10-20-2002, 05:22 PM

I have a another spin on things. In addition to feeling like we are asking for it, I think a lot of women are like me, in that they don't want to disappoint someone or hurt their feelings. We want everyone to be happy...or at least everyone else...even at our own expense.

I found myself in a situation at a club not long ago, where a woman literally grabbed my by the thong and dragged my back into a room. She was drunk and I wasn't far behind her. I had participated in giving her a lap dance for her birthday, and when she decided she must "have me" I continued to say "no" nicely, instead of forcefully. Unfortunately my husband didn't pick up on my signals, or forgot that that really isn't my thing and wasn't much help..(we have since discussed and resolved the issue and he understands that while I may be able to say no to him or our kids, saying it to others is not as easy for me and at times I will need him to step in).

We are the same women that end up serving on committees and such when we really don't want to or even have the time to, but have difficulty saying no, thinking we need an excuse not to, other than simply not wanting to. I don't think this is a problem most men deal with.

Maybe it's just my problem, are there any others that also have this difficulty saying no?

Angie

yhungry · 10-20-2002, 08:37 PM

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by JustAskJulie:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by <User>:
 But when we discussed it, she said that she "was asking for it" but the position she was it, with her butt up. I said, "wait a minute". That's not what this is all about. You can wave your ass in the face of anyone you want to at a sex (swingers) club, you make the boundaries. The lesson here is that women need to understand that just because they're naked and in provocative position in a place where sex is totally acceptable, it doesn't mean that they're "free meat". She now understands. completely. Women: please understand this, you decide how far to go and you will be respected. If not, I'll open up a can of whoop ass!!<hr /></blockquote>This is an interesting slant to this whole thing and something that I don't think has ever really come up here.

I really thinks this idea that we (as women) may often feel like we have to go through with something because of the position we are in or the fact that we are already there ass-out naked, comes from things that have been grilled into us since childhood.

Whenever a woman gets raped and tries to go to court they defense always tries to find a way to show that she was "asking for it". I can recall many times my mother making comments to me about things I wore saying that I was just "asking to get raped". ETC.

It's funny how our society claims that "no means no" but when it comes down to it they always want to prove that "no meant maybe".<hr /></blockquote>Very true Julie. It is just like what our last President said. What is the definition of the word "is"?

BradAndJanet · 10-20-2002, 10:58 PM

Hi All. It's Janet. Sorry I haven't posted my perspective on this bad experience, but I needed some time to lick my wounds and put some perspective on the whole thing.

Our first and perhaps the biggest mistake we made was a lack of communication between Brad and I. We both knew we wanted to try this but never really sat down and discussed how we as a couple should go about it. We never really set ground rules nor did we review suggestions we had read from others about how to proceed. We never reviewed anything we had read to make sure we we both clear that this was the right thing for us to do at this time.

We both got to caught up in the fantasy of a MFM coulping, that we lost our heads. Our excitement overrode our caution and we let it get out of hand. The single we picked seemed nice enough, and I had talked with him quite a bit online before we all agreed to meet. Brad had talked with him some,but not as much as I had. I had set some guide rules with the single (ie. you must wear a condom) and we talked about fantasies and various different "sceens" if you will. I never got the sense that he was a wham, bam, thank you mame type of guy.

Brad and he made the "arrangements" for the meeting. I know that one of the arrangements besides dinner was an agreement to pay half of the motel bill. This is probably the point when we should have slowed down and looked at what we were doing. I don't know how many times I have read in this forum that going to bed the first time you meet is NOT a good idea. I am more catious than that. Brad is always ready for new sexual experiences, I however like to take thing a little more slowly. I allowed myself to get too sexually excited over the promise of a fulfilled fantasy, I got swept up in the moment and never looked back.

I never thought of the consequences of my actions or thoughts. I thought I knew what I was getting into and that I was ready. Boy was I ever wrong. It didn't take long for me to find out how under prepared I was for what happened. Saying no sexually has always been hard for me. I was told by my mother over and over again that "Sex was for the man." That coupled with sex abuse as a child as well as other negative sexual experiences, taught me to "pretend" to enjoy it so that it will be over faster, I hope. Unfortunatlly I never learned to say no really well.

During this enounter I did make a stab at getting the single to try and stop certain things like pinching my nipples so hard they hurt, I didn't feel like I had "right" to tell him to stop completely. If I had known that Brad was bothered by some of the things that were going on, I think that I could have told him how I felt and things might on either gotten better or ended right there.

One other thing is that our single broke the first rule early on. I guess I should have done something right there, but all I did was make Brad get him a condom. If there was any warning sign, I guess that should have be it for me. I had told him in depth how I felt about that subject, and that I insisted on him using condoms.

This encounter left me feeling used and abused. It will take some kind and thoughtful loving and understanding from my love to heal all the wounds this has inflicted. I came out of this encounter feeling cheap and used. I have learned a valauble lesson, but have payed for that knowledge.

I am not ready to explore the swinging life right now, tho the dream is still there. If and hopefully when I am ready, there will folks as nice as all of you seem for us to meet and maybe play with. You all seem as if you are having such a good time, so there must be some good folks out there. The difficulty as I see it is in the meeting of those who are like minded. Thank you all for your support and empathy

Janet

dave_susie2001 · 10-21-2002, 10:02 AM

Janet,

Swinging will be here when you're ready. Take the time you both need to heal and strengthen your relationship even further. I know it's hard to believe right now, but there are good people in the lifestyle. We've been through our share of thorns before finding the roses...but those roses that we did find... WOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

Remember too, that swinging isn't for everyone. If you decide that you don't want to explore the lifestyle, that's OK too. But keep on reading the posts and let us know your opinion from your perspective on what you read here.

Good luck to you both in what ever direction you decide to go.

Dave & Susie

Quin · 10-26-2002, 05:33 PM

Glad you told us your perspective on this, Janet. I'm so sorry that your first experience was with that jerk.

Do take all the time that you need. You may even find that swinging isn't the route to go for the both of you because it's truly not for everyone. One thing you will need to work on, regardless, is the ability to say NO to anyone about anything. I know that's very hard to overcome, especially for women, but once you do tell someone NO, the next time is much easier and even easier the next time after that. And that's just not in regards to swinging, that includes things that come up in our normal everyday life.

Quin
<img border="0" alt="[Smiley_sex]" title="" src="graemlins/smilysex.gif" />

2hornydevils · 11-22-2002, 10:51 PM

very sorry to hear about the bad experience.

this is something that we( or at least i) worry about with a single male. we have gotten a couple responses from single males and have not acted on any of them because of things like this.

hope your next experiences will be better.

P & J

ready2pla · 12-15-2002, 10:37 AM

Brad and Janet
Sorry to hear about your encounter!
My wife and I were in swinging relationships with good friends only we never had to worry about that. We had great sex together. with another male she was kept very happy which is how it should be.
We have only replyed to couples only adds to avoid what you ran into and I now see that is not the only fix, we never worried about any signals or communication.
Thanks for sharing your mistakes you may have saved us a lot of pain.

Swingers Ads	Swinger Pics	Swinger Stories	Shopping	Search Swingers	Swingers Clubs	Swinger Articles	Dictionary	FAQs	Swinger Links
Forums	Register	Swinger Events	Search	Today's Posts	Mark Forums Read	Chat Room [2]

10-20-2002, 08:37 PM	#17 (permalink)
yhungry Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 156 Location: Long Island Status: couple	</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by JustAskJulie: <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by <User>: <strong> But when we discussed it, she said that she "was asking for it" but the position she was it, with her butt up. I said, "wait a minute". That's not what this is all about. You can wave your ass in the face of anyone you want to at a sex (swingers) club, you make the boundaries. The lesson here is that women need to understand that just because they're naked and in provocative position in a place where sex is totally acceptable, it doesn't mean that they're "free meat". She now understands. completely. Women: please understand this, you decide how far to go and you will be respected. If not, I'll open up a can of whoop ass!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">This is an interesting slant to this whole thing and something that I don't think has ever really come up here. I really thinks this idea that we (as women) may often feel like we have to go through with something because of the position we are in or the fact that we are already there ass-out naked, comes from things that have been grilled into us since childhood. Whenever a woman gets raped and tries to go to court they defense always tries to find a way to show that she was "asking for it". I can recall many times my mother making comments to me about things I wore saying that I was just "asking to get raped". ETC. It's funny how our society claims that "no means no" but when it comes down to it they always want to prove that "no meant maybe".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Very true Julie. It is just like what our last President said. What is the definition of the word "is"?

10-20-2002, 10:58 PM	#18 (permalink)
BradAndJanet Only slightly cracked... Join Date: Jul 2001 Posts: 7,071 Location: Seattle Status: Married Couple	Hi All. It's Janet. Sorry I haven't posted my perspective on this bad experience, but I needed some time to lick my wounds and put some perspective on the whole thing. Our first and perhaps the biggest mistake we made was a lack of communication between Brad and I. We both knew we wanted to try this but never really sat down and discussed how we as a couple should go about it. We never really set ground rules nor did we review suggestions we had read from others about how to proceed. We never reviewed anything we had read to make sure we we both clear that this was the right thing for us to do at this time. We both got to caught up in the fantasy of a MFM coulping, that we lost our heads. Our excitement overrode our caution and we let it get out of hand. The single we picked seemed nice enough, and I had talked with him quite a bit online before we all agreed to meet. Brad had talked with him some,but not as much as I had. I had set some guide rules with the single (ie. you must wear a condom) and we talked about fantasies and various different "sceens" if you will. I never got the sense that he was a wham, bam, thank you mame type of guy. Brad and he made the "arrangements" for the meeting. I know that one of the arrangements besides dinner was an agreement to pay half of the motel bill. This is probably the point when we should have slowed down and looked at what we were doing. I don't know how many times I have read in this forum that going to bed the first time you meet is NOT a good idea. I am more catious than that. Brad is always ready for new sexual experiences, I however like to take thing a little more slowly. I allowed myself to get too sexually excited over the promise of a fulfilled fantasy, I got swept up in the moment and never looked back. I never thought of the consequences of my actions or thoughts. I thought I knew what I was getting into and that I was ready. Boy was I ever wrong. It didn't take long for me to find out how under prepared I was for what happened. Saying no sexually has always been hard for me. I was told by my mother over and over again that "Sex was for the man." That coupled with sex abuse as a child as well as other negative sexual experiences, taught me to "pretend" to enjoy it so that it will be over faster, I hope. Unfortunatlly I never learned to say no really well. During this enounter I did make a stab at getting the single to try and stop certain things like pinching my nipples so hard they hurt, I didn't feel like I had "right" to tell him to stop completely. If I had known that Brad was bothered by some of the things that were going on, I think that I could have told him how I felt and things might on either gotten better or ended right there. One other thing is that our single broke the first rule early on. I guess I should have done something right there, but all I did was make Brad get him a condom. If there was any warning sign, I guess that should have be it for me. I had told him in depth how I felt about that subject, and that I insisted on him using condoms. This encounter left me feeling used and abused. It will take some kind and thoughtful loving and understanding from my love to heal all the wounds this has inflicted. I came out of this encounter feeling cheap and used. I have learned a valauble lesson, but have payed for that knowledge. I am not ready to explore the swinging life right now, tho the dream is still there. If and hopefully when I am ready, there will folks as nice as all of you seem for us to meet and maybe play with. You all seem as if you are having such a good time, so there must be some good folks out there. The difficulty as I see it is in the meeting of those who are like minded. Thank you all for your support and empathy Janet
	__________________ "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain All about us...

10-26-2002, 05:33 PM	#20 (permalink)
Quin Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 1,136 Location: Ohio Status: Single Female	Glad you told us your perspective on this, Janet. I'm so sorry that your first experience was with that jerk. Do take all the time that you need. You may even find that swinging isn't the route to go for the both of you because it's truly not for everyone. One thing you will need to work on, regardless, is the ability to say NO to anyone about anything. I know that's very hard to overcome, especially for women, but once you do tell someone NO, the next time is much easier and even easier the next time after that. And that's just not in regards to swinging, that includes things that come up in our normal everyday life. Quin <img border="0" alt="[Smiley_sex]" title="" src="graemlins/smilysex.gif" />
	__________________ One thing about me is that I'm consistant in my behavior, my thoughts, and my posting. I don't sell out or change for any reason outside of my own self wanting to. What you see is what you get: today, tomorrow and every day after that.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

10-20-2002, 05:22 PM	#16 (permalink)
IndyDuet Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 12 Location: Indiana Status: Couple	I have a another spin on things. In addition to feeling like we are asking for it, I think a lot of women are like me, in that they don't want to disappoint someone or hurt their feelings. We want everyone to be happy...or at least everyone else...even at our own expense. I found myself in a situation at a club not long ago, where a woman literally grabbed my by the thong and dragged my back into a room. She was drunk and I wasn't far behind her. I had participated in giving her a lap dance for her birthday, and when she decided she must "have me" I continued to say "no" nicely, instead of forcefully. Unfortunately my husband didn't pick up on my signals, or forgot that that really isn't my thing and wasn't much help..(we have since discussed and resolved the issue and he understands that while I may be able to say no to him or our kids, saying it to others is not as easy for me and at times I will need him to step in). We are the same women that end up serving on committees and such when we really don't want to or even have the time to, but have difficulty saying no, thinking we need an excuse not to, other than simply not wanting to. I don't think this is a problem most men deal with. Maybe it's just my problem, are there any others that also have this difficulty saying no? Angie

10-21-2002, 10:02 AM	#19 (permalink)
dave_susie2001 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 284 Location: Michigan Status: Married Couple	Janet, Swinging will be here when you're ready. Take the time you both need to heal and strengthen your relationship even further. I know it's hard to believe right now, but there are good people in the lifestyle. We've been through our share of thorns before finding the roses...but those roses that we did find... WOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> Remember too, that swinging isn't for everyone. If you decide that you don't want to explore the lifestyle, that's OK too. But keep on reading the posts and let us know your opinion from your perspective on what you read here. Good luck to you both in what ever direction you decide to go. Dave & Susie

11-22-2002, 10:51 PM	#21 (permalink)
2hornydevils Registered Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 3 Location: Quad Cities, IL Status: couple	very sorry to hear about the bad experience. this is something that we( or at least i) worry about with a single male. we have gotten a couple responses from single males and have not acted on any of them because of things like this. hope your next experiences will be better. P & J

12-15-2002, 10:37 AM	#22 (permalink)
ready2pla Here to Stay Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 80 Location: kansas	Brad and Janet Sorry to hear about your encounter! My wife and I were in swinging relationships with good friends only we never had to worry about that. We had great sex together. with another male she was kept very happy which is how it should be. We have only replyed to couples only adds to avoid what you ran into and I now see that is not the only fix, we never worried about any signals or communication. Thanks for sharing your mistakes you may have saved us a lot of pain.

LinkBacks (?) LinkBack to this Thread: http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/first-time-experiences/573-cautionary-tale-our-first-experience.html
Posted By	For	Type	Date
First Time Experiences [Text Version] - The Swingers Board	This thread	Refback	08-11-2010 09:52 AM
First Time Experiences [Text Version] - The Swingers Board	This thread	Refback	05-06-2010 03:48 AM

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
A cautionary tale, of developing feelings and doing the right thing	The Fuse	Swinging Experiences	7	04-23-2007 09:34 AM
Disillusioned: A Tale of Two Swingers	delectableduo	Misc Swinger Questions	38	05-16-2005 02:34 PM
A tale for single males.	curiousagain	Singles & Swinging	29	02-10-2005 05:06 PM