Help First MFM experience sort of

[eric1010]

Long story short. My best friend of 15 years came over this past Saturday which has been a ongoing thing for the last couple of months since we moved back down to Florida. Anyway, my wife and I have been talking about the lifestyle and threesomes etc. over the last 2 years and I have gotten her interested in the MFM threesome to this point and that is about it. So my friend came over this past Saturday and one thing led to another, drinking ensued and the next thing that happens is that my wife, friend and I started hanging out on our yacht that we have parked in the back of our house since we live on the ocean and all of us had quite a few to drink. My wife leads my best friend down to the cabin, tells my friend to sit on the couch, kneels between his legs then unbuttons his pants and pulls his pants and boxers to the floor and feverishly starts sucking off my friend. My friend was in shock and with a look of approval I told him that it was ok. Anyway, my friend got into it and my wife was definitely into it and going crazy. Here lies the problem. This was our first experience and it was started by my probing. My wife and I are completely straight also just to throw that in. So my wife was giving my friend oral and this of course got me going by watching and so then the intent that I had was that my wife would trade off with both of us and then ultimately what I had envisioned was that I would have sex with her while she was giving my friend oral and then we would trade and then if she was comfortable enough maybe even try to do DP with her. What I envisioned happening ultimately did not happen. What ended up happening was distractions from a couple of the kids knocking on the doors etc. and my wife paying more attention to him then me and the rest went down hill from there. The next day I took my wife out to lunch because what happened the night before was killing me and I wanted to talk to her about what had just happened so we went out. I asked her how she felt about the experience. She said that she had fun, that it was a little weird because it was our first time. I asked her if she felt guilty in any way and she said no because this is something that I initiated with our many talks that we had. I told her that I didn't have any regrets about the experience. I told her that the only thing that bothered me was that I felt left out. She said that she was sorry and that she told me that it would take her a little while to get used to being with someone else since she and I have been married 13 years and that she hadn't been with anyone else in the last 13 years. I asked her what she meant by that and she said that it was weird for her to have me there because I was watching and trying to get involved. Basically, what she was trying to tell me is that she would feel more comfortable being with him alone for the first time before she would feel comfortable about doing a threesome with me included in the mix. What do all of you think about this? My wife and I love each other very much, have excellent communication, have a great sex life and family life etc. My friend has been married 14 years and has 1 daughter himself. He is happily married. I trust both of them immensely. My friend is like a brother to me and that is why this took place in the first place because my wife has a trust with him and I do as well. I want advice from both men and women on this issue. Husband's would you let your wife be with another man alone for the first time so that she would feel more comfortable? Ladies would you want to be with another man alone for the first time if you were in my wife's shoes? Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

[dnmnms]

Plan, plan and then plan some more would have been my 1st suggestion. But now since the ice has somewhat been broken my honest answer (coming from a female) is I am not sure.
I can see both side a little. However, if this is something that you both have wanted then not sure why she wouldnt want you there. Obviously she got into it somewhat.
I am gonna let the guys answer this one but just wanted to add my little 2 cents for what its worth.

Melody

[slevin]

I'm not sure that it matters whether anyone else has, or would, be ok with a situation like that. All that really matters is whether YOU are ok with the two of them being together without you there. If you're not comfortable with it, then it definitely shouldn't happen and if you and your wife have as close and open a relationship as you say then she should be totally fine with that.

For me there are a few red flags in what you wrote. I'm not saying these are issues or not, just that they raise a red flag for me:

- She focused on him and not you; even after pointing it out she stated she'd rather be with him alone at first.
- Your friend is married yet his wife is not involved in this. Recipe for disaster.
- You are doing this with your very close friend. It always seems like a good idea to do this with someone close to you like that, but the reality is definitely far different. Some people have made these situations work great for them, but the vast majority end in broken friendships. Add to this that he is married and it gets even worse.

If you are totally cool with them being alone then go for it. Given your circumstances I wouldn't be comfortable and I'd probably back off.

I'd be interested in hearing her reaction to you telling her that you aren't comfortable with that and suggesting to find someone else to join you that isn't already a friend (but that she got comfortable with before getting sexual).

[slevin]

One other thing (and you're really the only one who can tell here since you were there). The fact that she took the lead in making the leap, focused on him, was uncomfortable with YOU there trying to get involved all makes me start thinking that she had been wanting to fuck this guy long before you brought up the MFM idea. This was her opportunity and your fantasy of MFM didn't mesh with her fantasy of fucking him.

Also, the way you worded things feels like you got her to open up to the idea of your fantasy. You had a specific script in mind you wanted to happen. In my experience the best times happen when what we are doing is also her fantasy and that we understand what turns us both on, but don't necessarily have a script.

Couple of things to think about.

[eric1010]

Ok to give a little more background on this. I am the one that brought the lifestyle up to her and I am the one that kind of egged her on about my friend etc. What happened this last Saturday was not scripted. It was something that probably would have happened eventually with everything that my wife and I had talked about and I knew that she would not want to have a MFM with a stranger starting out the gate. She has only really known my friend on a limited basis up until about two months ago when I started inviting him over just about every weekend. I do understand that having a friend in the mix could be a recipe for a disaster however, I will say that the three of us have had a couple of conversations together since this all took place and have been open and honest about everything. Nobody feels like oh god what in the hell did we do or anything like that. The only thing that is uncomfortable for me at this point is whether to let my wife and him be together alone for the first time so that she gets more comfortable with the idea. This is not going to be the two of them running off together for a weekend. I will be there if it happens just not in the same room etc.

The whole point of the threesome thing for me was to see my wife get pleasured completely in every way possible which would be a huge turn on for me. Not being there kind of throws that idea down the toilet make sense?

[Dienekes]

Well really its about what you all are comfortable with. Personally, i aint playing alone, and neither is my lady. If we dont play together, we wont be playing. But that is my comfort level. Maybe someday i wont care one way or another, but i cannot envision my wife having sex with someone else and me not there. Just would not work for me, i would totally freak out.

In addition, you have yet to mention anything about your friend's wife. Which seems to indicate some apprehension about discussing what has happened and may happen again...Bad road to walk man. If the ladies arent cool with the whole thing, its going to blow up in your face sooner or later.

Good luck
Dienekes

[slevin]

I understand that you brought the topic up and you suggested your friend as the guy and you started inviting him over. On the night it happened she took control and made it happen. It leads to my other questions and analysis. Personally, if my wife was ignoring me during something like this and told me that *I* made her uncomfortable with my presence I would be worried about what was going on. My wife and I are focused on making sure that we are both comfortable and we go out of our way to ensure that. We also trust in each other that if anything is happening that we're uncomfortable with we will speak up in the moment. It will either get resolved right there (if its not a big deal) or we'll stop what is going on. No questions asked. If she wasn't totally bought into that I don't think I'd agree to any kind of swinging.

It is great that you are talking openly with your friend about this, though you obviously didn't talk to him before the first encounter. When I say that you run the risk of permanently damaging the friendship I don't just mean that someone might get regrets the next day. I am talking about an enormous amount of issues that may come up; emotional attachment, his wife finding out, someone changing their mind, situations changing (you start traveling, they start wanting to see each other alone all the time), he gets divorced.....this could go on forever here. My point here is that with someone who is not connected to you right now, if something was to come up due to the sexual relationship then cutting ties with them is not as important to your life. If things turn sour with a guy who is like a brother to you, well that is a major impact on your life. Are you willing to risk that? Being willing to risk it is the only way that doing this is worthwhile. If you think there is no chance of that happening you are fooling yourself.

My wife and I swung with a couple that were good friends with us. We talked openly about everything, we were all up front about what was going on, how we felt etc. All before we even did anything at all. After playing a few times things got very tense when the other girl decided she didn't want to swing at all anymore and her fiance kept trying to push her to keep playing. things crumbled very fast and for a long while we thought we had lost two good friends. Even now, long afterward, things are strained to a degree when we're together with them. There is no longer a comfortable fun vibe like we had prior to even talking about this.

It is a real risk, especially when it seems like that won't happen.

I know I didn't really tackle the question you are asking, but I think there are other important things here for you to consider and think about. The two primary ones are: should you be swinging with your best friend and what are your wife's true intentions here?

Whether you think you need to think about those or not, I hope it all works out for you! I look forward to hearing updates on your situation and hope to see some great positive stories about how it all turns out.

[LikeMinds321]

back to the Board. Good to see you post!

From what you've said to this point, I think the least of your concerns should be whether your wife plays alone with your friend - but I'll get to that later.

First, this guy is married and I'll presume he and his wife aren't swingers and haven't discussed having sex outside their marriage, especially with you. So what you and your wife did was invite him to cheat on his wife and he took you up on it.

Think about that. If you and your wife had never discussed swinging or sharing yourselves sexually with others, how would your wife feel if she discovered after the fact that you just got sucked off by the wife your friend? Put yourself in this other woman's place, she isn't likely to be happy about what her husband did with you and your wife.

It's risky enough playing with friends who are open to swinging, who have discussed it, and together tell you so, but it's incredibly shortsighted and disrespectful to help a friend cheat.

Alcohol seems to have played a big role in breaking down your barriers. Would you have done this without being under the influence? Probably not. Another reason why drinking less is best when making important decisions.

Your mention of "a couple of the kids knocking on the doors" concerns me, too. Another rule most swingers stand by is do not play when kids are around to catch you in the act.

Now to your question about your wife playing alone with your friend. I say forget it, because he is your friend and he's married.

If you would search for a single male swinger for her to play with, it's a possibility. But even then my suggestion is to not start that way. Her verve with your friend and sole attention to him is why I think solo play is not a good idea. I think the chance is too great that your wife could be swept away by starting out playing alone and it could do more to pull you apart than bring you closer in your mutual decision to swing.

LM

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by eric1010

Husband's would you let your wife be with another man alone for the first time so that she would feel more comfortable? Ladies would you want to be with another man alone for the first time if you were in my wife's shoes?

When we decided to swing we were both open to allowing the other to play solo, under certain circumstances. Those being that we each would have to approve of the partner, we'd have to meet them beforehand, and since our interest was primarily couples play, we would first play with the couple - as a couple - and then move on to solo play if all were open to it. This approach works well for us.

Both of us are more comfortable when playing in separate rooms or solo, but that isn't reason enough to do it without all the steps that follow up to it, as I described above.

When we began swinging, we felt it was important to know how we would feel starting on this journey together, observing each other having sex with others. You never know how you will react to that sight until it happens. We also wanted the experience together so that we could discuss it afterwards. What one of us sees and feels can be different from the other even when we are just feet away on a bed playing with a couple. We liked each other's input on how we felt the play went, what we both thought of the people and everything that surrounded swinging. It kept us feeling close and focused on helping the other fulfill a fantasy. This is why today we still start out together when playing with new people.

LM

[amid]

I agree with some of the other posters that there are quite a few red flags. One big one is that you and your wife allowed a married friend to cheat on his wife. This makes you and your wife cheaters too since you promoted it. This isn't what swinging is supposed to be about. Your wife's introduction into the lifestyle surely got off on the wrong foot. From my own personal experience I would say I could understand her not paying full attention to you, this happened (or seemed to happen to us the first time we had a full swap play). My wife seemed to think I spent too much time with the other woman. She was with the other man.. and I have to admit that it was all new to me and I was into the other woman. But we talked about it a whole lot afterwards and she was good with it after we talked. With this couple I have allowed my wife to play solo with them and the same has been offered to me. But it was with the couple and with everyone's knowledge and permission. From where I sit I see too many things wrong with your scenario. Swinging is about us not about me.. I think you two need to do a whole lot more talking and no more playing with this particular friend. You also need to really discuss what this means to both of you and about the cheating aspect. It's not about cheating, or flying solo it's about sharing.

[lustylearning]

I have to agree with the others, there are so many red flags in this scenario. Opening the floodgates may be fabulous fun, but what happens when you can't close them?

If you want to explore this fantasy, you may want to do it through a neutral meeting ground, like a website or a club. It's not guaranteed to be totally comfortable and would require some acclimation, but it is a more controlled sort of risk taking.

[iapr]

Swinging is something couples do together as part of their sexual dynamics as couple. Taking a buddy off by yourself and leaving your spouse behind because it's "more comfortable" is just fucking another man.

Finding a legitimate single on a swingers website or swingers club for an MFM is also swinging. Fucking your husbands pal while his wife is home alone and unaware is adultry and just plain crass and will get you an invitation to the Jerry Springer Show and someone is going to end up getting whacked with a shoe.

This is just not a good situation no matter how you slice it.

[Second of 2]

"Swinging is something couples do together as part of their sexual dynamics as couple." [LOL - I messed up the quote thing]

So true, so true! MFM or FMF what ever the mix everyone should be on the same page. As in the case of all our experiences it is mutual to stimulate the dynamics of our marriage. In short, we get off on it, before, during and after. Sometimes it comes after adult games, parties or even by random encounters; but whenever it happens it is because we all agree.

As for the "private one-on-one in the other room bit", we have never done that in a threesome situation. It's always true simultaneous action. It's so hotter that way.

I'd say you've opened the lid to Pandora's box. Now the question is how to close it and get on the right foot. Perhaps a total change of venue and participants would help. Be careful if she doesn't agree and keeps pushing to do it with your friend.

[sexcupid]

I think one of the main problems (besides the cheating friend) is that you had a very specific scenario in mind and when it didn't play out the way you wanted it to you weren't happy. Going in with too many expectations or a very specific fantasy can lead to disappointment. I mean, even if your wife was aware of the very specific scenario that you had planned out, she obviously got caught up in the moment.

As for your wife, sure...one on one play is most people's primary mode of having sex and trying to figure out the logistics of adding the third person in can be overwhelming. I mean, some folks do develop 'tunnel vision' in what they are doing and fail to notice anything is amiss unless you say something.

Only the two of you can figure out where your comfort levels lie as far as playing alone and continuing on with the swinging (with actual swingers).

And what the hell were you thinking of playing where there were kids around?!? That is a huge peeve of mine (particuarly if they are awake and can try to barge in/interrupt things).

[JTcamp05]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

As for your wife, sure...one on one play is most people's primary mode of having sex and trying to figure out the logistics of adding the third person in can be overwhelming. I mean, some folks do develop 'tunnel vision' in what they are doing and fail to notice anything is amiss unless you say something.

I agree with this part at least.... First time, you were there, relax and let her feel comfortable.....if you don't she might be turned off by the whole experience .... it is something you pushed for!