First time experience was a bad one. - Newbies preyed on at club

[magiriano]

Anyway, we've been lurking and posting here for awhile now but now we're in a spot where we could use some advice.
Been an active member on a few boards to know that by the end of this discussion there'll bee too many advices to follow.But mayber we don't need advice but just to vent?
Anyway, we've been flirting with the idea of swinging for years, and a couple of months ago we made the first step: we went to a swinger's club.
My wife seemed a bit skeptical about the whole thing, but once in she seemed to like the atmosphere, the erotism th omnipresent sexuality and lack of inhibitions.
We ended up having great sex with eachother in the playroom and had a couple of weeks of awesome sex after.
As we were walking out the club she mentioned that she still doesn't know why would people have sex with others. I had to be a smart ass and tell her that they probably started out just like us.
Anyway, we went to the club a couple more times and just watched others while being watched playing with eachother.
Then one night at the club, our table became somehow popular, we had a great time, met some new people, tried to make a new couple confortable by telling them about our first time there and how nobody talked to us.
Anyway, we went to the playroom, decided to play with eachother as usual, but since the swing was taken(we wanted to try that) we ended up in the big pooltable size bed.
Shortly after some other couples came and before we knew it the whole room was now an orgy.
While I was having sex with my wife, I felt that she was very turned on, so I motioned to a guy that was available that it was ok to have oral with her.
She went for it and that was so arousing that shortly after I felt the need to see her having sex with another man, so I went and got a hanfull of condoms, placed them on the bed next to the guy and told him to use one and have sex with my wife. I watched as he put on the condom and entered her, then I noticed a lady next to us and she said it's ok for us to play.
At one point however, I tried to kiss her but she wouldn't so that turned me off and decided to go back to watching my wife with another man.
Then I realised he wasn't wearing a condom, I asked him why isn't he wearing one and told him he needs to stop .
I didn't wanna make a scene since it was our first time with other people and I was affraid my wife will freak out thinking I had a jealosy fit.
I know I have a bad temper and didn't wanna scare her. So we just left the club.
Soon after, we found out that the couple we slept with are known as predators, that they don't play nice and are banned from any other club in town.
All our online friends wished they were there to warn us. My wife is still breastfeeding and wasn't on any birth control then. We don't believe in abortion and the two of us have unprotected sex with eachother all the time.We do have young children and wanna be able to raise them and we need our health for that.
We decided to keep playing and we went to a new club that's a bit more selective of it's members. We don't wanna ever go back to the first club.
While it's too late to undo what's done, confronting the guy over the bareback issue doesn't make sense to me. It's my word against his, he'll simply deny it. Some friends told us that the owners of the club wanna talk to us about this issue.
Anybody and their dog knows that these two are bad news, and that they prey on newbies, since the experienced won't have anything to do with them. They are banned from all other clubs yet the owners of this club didn't banned them and didn't care to warn us about it.
Other members didn't warn us about them either.
We've been thru hell the past 3 weeks waiting for a negative pregnancy test, and it is negative.
But we have cold sweats with any itch that got or not to do with the crotch area.

It sucks tho, it was our first experience and totally not what we were looking for.
We changed clubs and our friends are asking us to go back to the first one but we just don't want to. We think it was the owners duty to keep us safe and they didn't do that when they allowed people with a bad rep, that were banned from other clubs to be members and didn't at least warn us.
We feel they sold us out for an entrance fee.

[ncmd_couple]

If the owners of the club want to talk to you, it is most likely because they want the story straight from you. What they will do after that will tell you a lot. I'm sorry that you had a bad first experience.

S

[SnowwwWhite]

I just hope that you both will get full STD tests and confirm you're clean before playing again. That's only fair to the people you now come into contact with. Especially if you advertise yourselves as disease-free or give people the impression you only play with condoms.

If I was about to play with someone who said they only play with condoms it would be extremely disturbing to think they had recently been compromised and hadn't been tested to clear things up... and were continuing to play and put themselves out as a clean, condom couple. At this point, they wouldn't know for sure they were clean and could be exposing other couples who are also trying to play it safe.

So sorry to hear about that bad first experience for you guys. But thanks for sharing. I'm sure your experience will help other people be more aware of what's going on, especially when playing with people they don't know. You sound responsible and conscientious and it shouldn't have happened. Hope you didn't get exposed to anything. Did your wife have any idea how he managed to take the condom off while you weren't looking?

Definitely talk to the club owners. It could save other newbies from the same experience you had. You expected others to be looking out for you, now it's your turn to look out for other potential victims and help put an end to these predators.

[VegasLee]

First, talk to the club owners, they sound like the responsible ones here, they are wanting to know the FACTS from the people involved rather then going on hearsay from others.

Sometimes people will say all kinds of things about other people to newbies, like someone is a predator or they have been banned from all other clubs. It may or may not be true. Also, club owners don't normally warn everyone at the door about others. They are dealing with adults, not school kids and should not have to be baby sitting anyone.

Since you invited others to start playing with your wife I would think you should have been there watching over her and being with her. Your new but you are also going to have to take some of the blame for what took place. It was your responsibility to keep things under control and the way you wanted them for you and your wife. If I ever let things in a group room get out of control with my wife she would kick my ass and that would be the end of the play. Everyone has to take responsibility for their actions when playing in the adult world.

I will agree that others had a hand in this but so did you and a big part of it was the way you handled the whole thing.

If you want the owners of the club to have the facts, talk to them. If not, go to other clubs and forget this ever happened and watch yourself next time.

[magiriano]

Originally Posted by SnowwwWhite

I just hope that you both will get full STD tests and confirm you're clean before playing again. That's only fair to the people you now come into contact with. Especially if you advertise yourselves as disease-free or give people the impression you only play with condoms.

If I was about to play with someone who said they only play with condoms it would be extremely disturbing to think they had recently been compromised and hadn't been tested to clear things up... and were continuing to play and put themselves out as a clean, condom couple. At this point, they wouldn't know for sure they were clean and could be exposing other couples who are also trying to play it safe.

So sorry to hear about that bad first experience for you guys. But thanks for sharing. I'm sure your experience will help other people be more aware of what's going on, especially when playing with people they don't know. You sound responsible and conscientious and it shouldn't have happened. Hope you didn't get exposed to anything. Did your wife have any idea how he managed to take the condom off while you weren't looking?

Definitely talk to the club owners. It could save other newbies from the same experience you had. You expected others to be looking out for you, now it's your turn to look out for other potential victims and help put an end to these predators.

We decided to keep going to the clubs because we like the adult scene, however have a complete STD test done and after hearing from others that is a common thing with man trying to go bareback in the lifestyle, we both think we wanna keep it soft - oral/same room sex, no penetration.
That might change, but not soon.
BTW, another couple we've been chatting with had a similar experience a couple of weeks back, after play she found the unrapped condom on the bedside table.
That's a shame.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by magiriano

We decided to keep going to the clubs because we like the adult scene, however have a complete STD test done and after hearing from others that is a common thing with man trying to go bareback in the lifestyle, we both think we wanna keep it soft - oral/same room sex, no penetration.
That might change, but not soon.
BTW, another couple we've been chatting with had a similar experience a couple of weeks back, after play she found the unrapped condom on the bedside table.
That's a shame.

We have not found that men are always trying to go bareback. There may be a subsection of guys doing that, but everyone we've seen in the clubs has been using condoms. Are we just still too new to have seen enough and are in for a surprise? The more experienced swingers we've talked to (that we weren't talking to about hooking up with) have all said they use condoms exclusively unless they have a long standing relationship with a couple.

Also, I find it hard to believe that a woman won't realize there is not a condom being used until afterwards. My wife can tell right away that I'm wearing a condom and can totally tell the difference between sex with a condom and without. Completely different feeling. Also, if it is important to both of you to wear condoms then you should make sure that you're watching the guy put it on before you go back to what you're doing.

All of that isn't to say I am putting blame on either of you for this at all. This was all on the shoulders of the guy, you told him to wear a condom and he didn't. Completely his fault. All I am saying is that if you go back to doing full-swap you can take measures to ensure that your condom only rule is being adhered to.

[twohots4u2]

Like VegasLee, I feel that my part when we swing is to make sure Tina is safe. Our first swinging experience was at a club, and after we had played with a guy for a while, I realized that he was moving up to put his bareback cock in her. He had just finished making her cum from oral, her legs were spread wide, she was so out of it that her eyes were glazed, and she was not making any move to stop him. It was then that it hit me, when we are swinging, I had to make sure that she was safe and protected. I stopped him about an inch from entering her. He was upset and did not want to put on a condom. Shortly afterwards, he and his wife got up and left. After Tina realized what had happened, she thanked me profusely and said that she felt in a daze, knew he was about to put his bareback cock in her, but could not move a muscle or say anything.

Since then I have had to hand condoms to a number of guys or remind them to put one one before they entered her. Since she is sensitive to being pounded, after an experience where the guy's pounding hurt her, I also had to tell quite a few to, "Take it easy, not so hard, it makes her sore and she will stop."

So, don't feel bad that you have to watch out for your wife. It is just part of the experience.

[magiriano]

Originally Posted by slevin

Also, I find it hard to believe that a woman won't realize there is not a condom being used until afterwards. My wife can tell right away that I'm wearing a condom and can totally tell the difference between sex with a condom and without. Completely different feeling. Also, if it is important to both of you to wear condoms then you should make sure that you're watching the guy put it on before you go back to what you're doing.

I heard of women not knowing they been raped while they were asleep and I never believed that either, I thought their notion of sleeping involved passing out from alcohol/drug abuse.
I'm glad your wife can tell right away, mine didn't.
After all we haven't used a condom in over 7 years.
And while you're reading, you skipped the part where I said that I did watched the guy put it on then penetrate her.
That's not even the point, watching/not watching the guy.
After all he could've been a magician and make the condom dissapear thru some magic trick, and pull it out of his nose at the end.
HE IS KNOWN FOR BEING A PIG, YET ALLOWED IN WHILE ALL THE OTHER CLUBS IN TOWN BANNED HIS ASS! We should've been warned about his behaviour right after we WERE ASKED TO AND WE PAID our membership DUES.
It could've very well happen with somebody else on a guest pass. But it didn't, it happen with a member of the club known for acts like this .

[slevin]

Originally Posted by magiriano

HE IS KNOWN FOR BEING A PIG, YET ALLOWED IN WHILE ALL THE OTHER CLUBS IN TOWN BANNED HIS ASS! We should've been warned about his behaviour right after we WERE ASKED TO AND WE PAID our membership DUES.

Perhaps the owners were not aware of this couples previous behaviour. Perhaps no one has gone to the owners with their story first hand. I know you said that others have told you this couple is notorious for that, but if I was the owner of a club and all I ever heard was rumors with no one being willing to tell me first hand I would not ban someone or warn others of them in the absence of actual verified events. I don't know the situation here specifically, but it sounds to me that either the clubs owners don't care, or they didn't know/didn't have enough 'proof' to do something about them. I would definitely go talk to the owners of the club and then you'll know for sure what the situation was and whether you need to avoid that club altogether or not. I imagine it will also feel good to know that you've done what you can do about stopping the situation from happening again as well.

If I owned the club then if I felt the need to warn people about a couples behaviour they just wouldn't be allowed in the door.

Also, I don't put my faith in the clubs owners to be the arbiter of my safety. You did the right things by telling him to put the condom on, watching him put it on and stopping it when you saw he no longer had one on. Sucks that you ran into someone like this, but I think with the knowledge that there is that potential you can be more aware of the interaction to ensure that it doesn't happen again. That isn't something trying to tell you that you should continue with doing full-swap; you should do whatever you're comfortable and happy with. It's more a comment on how I'd look at the situation if we continued to want to do full-swap, but didn't want to fall into another bad situation.

For us, we've chosen to take more time to get comfortable with people we swap with rather than doing it the same night we meet people at the club. Not to say one is better than the other (since many folks meet at the club and have a lot of success with that), it's just what has worked best for us and has made us the most comfortable with the situation. We've still have a few bad experiences, but fortunately nothing as serious as someone not wearing a condom.

[good times]

Originally Posted by magiriano

HE IS KNOWN FOR BEING A PIG, YET ALLOWED IN WHILE ALL THE OTHER CLUBS IN TOWN BANNED HIS ASS! We should've been warned about his behaviour right after we WERE ASKED TO AND WE PAID our membership DUES.

Actually, no, not only does the club owner have no obligation to warn you of this persons rumored behavior, but he could be in some serious financial trouble if he did. The club owners only recourse with customers like this is if you complain about him personally, and your claim is substantiated by other evidence, he can boot him out of the club. But, failing any evidence to warranty kicking him out of the club, their is nothing he can do. But again, under no circumstances can a club owner tell another patron that one of his members has a bad reputation. Spreading unsubstantiated rumors about paying customers would be one of the quickest ways to lose his business that I can think of.

I know several people that have been kicked out of one of the local clubs. This does not mean that the next subsequent club he goes to will automatically kick him out. As long as they learned their lesson and behave appropriately at the new club they are fine. If they continue with what got them kicked out of the first club, it usually isn't long and they get kicked out of the next one though.

What it boils down to is that, at a club, your interaction with others is solely controlled by you, no one else is responsible for your actions or what happens to you. And, contrary to what some others here have said, under the setting you describe (public play/orgy room setting), we have seen this type of thing happen often. The problem is that in these orgy type settings their is a lot less communication ahead of time. I have seen, many times, someone get pissed when in a public play room when someone they invited to play didn't automatically use a condom. My first question always is, "did you tell him ahead of time that he was expected to use one?" If not, then who's fault is this? Contrary to popular belief, less than half the swinging population regularly insist on condoms for play.

Now don't get me wrong, I have seen this type of predatory guy you describe many times. But the fact of the matter is, like the others have said, the only way something will get done about him is if you report it to the club owner. And it is true that it may be your word against his. But even if yours is the only complaint, it will get noted, and if someone else lodges a similar complaint, it won't just be your word against his any more. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me, in this case, if the reason the club owner wants to talk to you is to substantiate a claim someone else has made against the same person.

[JustAskJulie]

Club owners can't/ won't do anything about someone unless they know what happened. They aren't likely to just take word of mouth or rumors (of what may have happened at other clubs)... if they did that then anyone would get kicked out everytime someone had some small beef with them. (ie. someone refuses to have sex with someone else so they decide to make up some story to get them thrown out of the club). In some cases, clubs do keep in contact with each other and let each other know who to watch out for, but even then a club is not likely to ban someone based on what happened at another club without some sign that it has happened (or is likely to happen) at their club.

The club owners NEED to hear from you what happened. If anything like this ever happens again anywhere tell the club owners/hosts IMMIDEATELY. As it is, they do want to talk to you about what happened, so talk to them and be honest. Don't hold what happened against the club itself. You've been having a good time there. There are bad people in swinging and you will encounter them at every club you go to. You have to swing defensively and in the end it is always up to you to make sure that you are safe and that others are staying within your boundaries. The club owners can only do so much, and they can't be standing by to hold your hand and make sure that you don't encounter the big bad wolf.

[2inSanDiego4u]

You need to talk to the club owners. Make your case, and have them talk to your wife too. Tell them that they have a problem on their hands, and that this couple will result in many more couples not attending their club in the future. If they are responsible club owners, they will do something about it. Good luck.

[jjtrindc]

Let us say, first and foremost, that guy was a pig! But we were a little taken aback that you didn't stop him. I would have tackled the guy had I found him doing bareback penetration with my wife - or even a friend for that matter. One thing about swinging is that you can be "diplomatic" but never shy about telling your potential partners what your ground rules are. If they don't like what your boundaries are then what's the point of swinging with them? You wouldn't be friends with a vanilla couple if they didn't respect you right??? We don't believe in the three strikes rule. Heck, we barely believe in the one strike rule. You even begin to do something we didn't agree on and we get dressed, say sorry, and move on. "Heat of the moment" arguments are crap when it comes to our safety, security and sanity. Never never never hesitate to state up front what it is your boundaries are and then stick to them, even if it means an uncomfortable confrontation.

As for the club owners. Don't walk...run and report this couple. It's your responsibility to fellow club goers.

As for STD's, we agree. Get tested. Twice. Even if you only do "soft swap" you are at risk of infecting others. That's a basic scientific fact. We're not going to go into all the details, but would encourage you to speak with a physician who can give it to you straight and has the degree to back it up.

Sorry for the bad experience. Just remember this lifestlye is only increasing in popularity because of the number of people who are having so much fun!

[magiriano]

Thanx everyone for all your input.
The complete bloodwork/STD check came clean so no worries about that anymore.
As for the club, we ever went back again we will however talk to the club owners about it eventually.
Right now neither one of us feels like calling them since we feel they should've screened their members more carefully.
It might not be the textbook right thing to do but it's the way we decided to cope with it.

[NumbskullsX2]

You are responsable for whatever situations you and your wife get into, not the club owner. Try getting to know people a little but before you hop into bed with them and this probably won't happen again.